How long have you hidden your crossdressing from your wife

[MichelleA]

I have been married for 40 years. About 5 years ago I told my wife about my crossdressing. It was one of those things ( I am happy it happened, I felt like a big weight was taken off my shoulders ). She reacted typically. She was surprised and said that she wished I had told her before we got married.
She is the sweetest person, and we have that situation where, she knows I cd, but tolerates it so long as she doens't see it. She has even bought me panties in the past and has given me her old jeans to wear ( rather than give them to goodwill ). I dress when she's not home mostly.

I want to tell her more ...I want to so bad to tell how much I love to dress and how I want to share it with her....but I simply not only do not know how to approach her, but I just don't know what to say. I am desperately seeking help.... honestly.

What better place than here ? This forum is heaven to me. I learn so much here and I am so happy here.

Any sisters have ideas ? Advise ? Thoughts ? I love to correspond and keep in touch with sisters here...so please feel free to " guide me " so to speak ....

I love being a cd... but I also love my wife and maybe I can learn to share this with her....and being even happier.....

I love being a member here amongst such wonderful girls....

Michelle

[SouthernBelle.GG]

My husband was able to keep it from me for almost 2 years. I found his stash of femme clothes in the trunk of his car(my car was in the shop) in a trash bag. I thought I would be nice and throw it away at the convenience center on my way home, but decided to look just to make sure it was trash. Imagine my shock!

A lot of things started to make sense at that moment, but I did go through the list of usual questions for my own sanity. After our initial talk, he refused to talk about it again. Yes, for a few years afterward I would bring it up every so often but he would get very quiet and moody. I felt this was something he just wanted to keep private and to himself. And I was okay with that for 21 years.

What changed? I have no idea. All I can say is I felt this deep need to know more. This not talking about something that I knew was so important to him started really eating at me, but I was scared to death to bring his CDing up again by now. And he has told me that he thought I had just forgotten. HA!

I had a blog and I shared with my readers - without telling them specifics - that something my husband loved to do alone and that I was always fine with, was now hurting our marriage because I wanted to be a part of it. I blogged that I felt like maybe the marriage wouldn't be able to continue if he didn't open up.

He knew I had a blog and I knew he read it from time to time. Maybe this wasn't the best way to communicate my feelings, but what's done is done. He did come to me and he has opened up. I understand so much better what he's gone through all along. He understands better what I've gone through too. We talk. We laugh. We listen. It hasn't been smooth sailing the whole time, but it's so much better than before. Been married 24.5 years.

Didn't mean to make this such a long answer, but I do like to ramble at times.

[Nina (uk)]

Over thirty years is a hell of a long time to hide that one.
I have hidden it for 7 years now and i can safely say that i have almost had enough of the lies. Writing this message right now is just another one.
Me and my wife are in our late late 30's and i feel like i am at a turning point in my life where the indulgance to dress is realy strong and thats its something i accept and wish to continue but more importantly my wife has the right to know at this stage in our lives so she can either make it or break it with me and choose the path that fullfills her life before it is too late. Hiding it is to decieve me and my partner of a better fuller life. I love her to bits but It cant go on much longer.

Nina....

[sonia_dargency]

I think it took me about 13 years to come up with a straight talk about loving to dress in women things; we had a few incidents, fantasy plays and I blurbed it a few times before, still.

It has been in and out for years, some times of total acceptance, some of total rejection, and everything in between by bits of a few months at the time, then a long period underground.

I officially came up to her a year ago and we tried to talk about it but something (I don't know what) happened, she went ballistic like I rarely saw her, saying that she did not want even know about it, she ranted about all that happened in the past, that I was sick. that crisis lasted about 3 months while we barely talked or only to bark at each other.

The strange part is that we talk about our deepest feelings on a regular basis, our parents, our families, how we perceive a loved one or what matters the most in life, and we agree about almost everything; so THAT being off topic is a mystery for me.

And I don't need to leave a cue for her to be upset about CD. For Valentine's Day, I dressed in my best male clothes, she interpreted it as she did not dress up as much, and "I bet you would have loved to dress in fishnets and heels instead of me!" came out and the night was ruined not long after that. we still don't talk...

Yet I could not be hidden the way I was before.

[cindychan]

[SIZE="2"]My X was unaccepting and made my life hell. She knew about the C/ding 3 months into the relationship. After 7 years of marriage she snapped and told everyone about my femme self among other bs things. She even wrote about it on her social networking accounts.
On to brighter things......
My second wife knew about it before we even met in person. I spilled my guts to her in a couple of emails and she totally accepted me. She has been my best friend ever since. I mean why hide it? If the person truely loves you they will accept c/ding. Life is short. Be Happy. Crossdress.[/SIZE]

[Staci G]

Been together 10 years now, I talked to her she tried the don't ask don't tell for about a minute. She is very verbal about her feelings and her hatred for CDers in general. She has caught me with mascara or eyeliner residue and went off. Just yesterday she said I look like I have mascara on (I didn't) I calmly said I do not and it has been a while. She went ballistic of course. So in my marriage I find it better to hide than to tell. Someday I know I might get caught but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

[StephanieH]

I never hid it, I just didn't do it for a very, very long time. Hadn't put on women's attire since I was a teenager and was married for ten years before I told my wife I really needed to start doing it again.

We talked a lot, got her books, and she's been very accepting. After she understood and was okay with it, I began dressing once again and we're both having fun - she wears my shoes a whole lot more than I do!

I don't think it's wise to keep secrets like this from someone you're supposed to be sharing your life with. But, that's just me.

[pernille d]

so far the count is 22 years with out being found out ,of cause there as been very close shaves, but i could maybe get a job at NASA " CHECK,CHECK double CHECK "as run an almost milatary operation afterwards to make sure i have not missed any thing ,

As i read this thread some one pointed out something i had not thought about before and that is not how long you have been keeping it from someone but maybe it should also include " how long is it that we have not been confronted" as i could have been found out a long time ago but nothing is said ,(what a let down to find out in years to come that they had always known)

[Stephanie Michelle]

I told my wife before we got married. It was a few months into the relationship. She was OK with it and even helped me with things. After several years she toloerated it. Didn't care either way, but if I took up too much time she was upset.

[Ruth]

My wife found out when we'd been married about a year - her response was sheer incomprehension. I was insecure in our relationship so I said I'd stop, and more or less went underground for a very long time, CDing only occasionally when she was out of the house.
But a few years back I felt that Ruth had to come out into the open (this after about 25 years in hiding) so I told my wife about her. She was more accepting this time, having been in therapy herself; also she said she had a feeling about me but couldn't quite pin it down - my confession of CDing made sense to her. She doesn't exactly like it but she tolerates it - it's not so much 'don't ask, don't tell' as 'don't bother me, just get on with it if you must'. I think we're closer as a result, but it's not all roses.

[Prissy Linda]

I told her on our second date, she asked a lot of questions and I answered honestly. I gave her time to think it over, there were more questions but I made it clear that I have strong feminine side that wasn't going away. She asked me how long I had been dressing like a girl, I told her I had dressed since I was 5 years old. We dated for a long time, I would show her my boy side which she liked but she also saw my girl side or a mixture of both. She knew who I was, We have been married for over 30 years.

Linda

[Nicola2876]

I've hidden Nicola away from my wife for over ten years although my therapist really doubts that she doesn't on some level know about my cding. I'm pretty sure she doesn't because I'm sure she'd go ape if she found out.

[Toni_Lynn]

Well --- I hid my crossdressing my the first woman I was married to -- I hesitate to honour her with the title "wife" -- until 2 days after I asked her for a divorce. Hmmm -- do you detect a touch of bitterness here

However in the case of my total soul mate, the one with whom I truly have a marriage --- I have never hid my crossdressing from my wife. And she is the only one who matters, for she accepts me as I am

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[WandaRae2009]

It was 24 years. Then she found something, thought it was someone else's and there was an affair. She had no clue, but said a lot of things now make sense. Once I dressed for a Halloween, and she said it now made sense how much I got into it. It's been two years since and she has learned enough that it isn't going away, so she tolerates but is not accepting. We have met with a therapist that helped a lot. We are in the don't ask don't tell stage. It was a relief to a point. I hated hiding something from the person I love so much. If she asks questions I answer them truthfully.

I'm probably not as careful now, and have accidentally left things that she found. Each time she seems to get less upset. She will still ask from time to time if I want to transition. And I answer truthfully, no. We discussed telling the kids 17 & 20 at the time she found out with the therapist. She agreed with my wife not to tell them just yet. It is a rough age, and we didn't want to burden them.

I'm amazed at the number of similar stories. Like many others here, I thought the urges would go away once we were married. Now that I am getting older the urges are getting much stronger

[Kelli Ann]

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and she has no idea that I dress. I dressed a little bit before we met during my bachelor days in my one bedroom apartment but after we were married I thought the urge would subside, but just like everyone else it only got stronger.

I started dressing again about 2 years ago, mainly when my wife and daughters would go out of town on overnight shopping trips which usually happens about 2 or 3 times a year. I have purchased many new items of women's clothing and accessories but have not had the chance to use them.

I have so much pinned up energy to dress that it is really getting to me. I know that I will always have the urge to dress and it will get stronger with age.

I am giving subtle hints to my wife like keeping my legs shaved, which she really likes, so that hint is a plus. I have told her that one day I will fill her in a "personal secret" that I have always had. She often asks me to reveal the secret but I haven't yet as I guess I am trying to cushion the blow.

I want so much to tell her and for her to accept this part of me.

I really love my wife dearly and I know she loves me but I have to express my feminine side. I just cannot keep it pinned up any longer.

I think what I am getting at is that I am ready to tell her and I think it will happen soon. If she loves me like she says she does then she should accept me for who I am.

Every man has some kind of vice. Some men have affairs, are alcoholics, use drugs, commit violence toward their family, gamble, etc... I do none of these things. I just love to express my feminine side every once in a while and I feel it is nothing near the level of offensiveness the previous things in this paragraph are. This is one of the lines I am going to tell her once the conversation happens.

Well, wish me luck!

Huggs,

Kelli Ann

[PattiMichaels]

Thought I had covered my tracks well...until she found that photo file on the computer that I missed during my deletion frenzy. She almost called off the wedding. Slept alone in the back bedroom for a while.

Ultimately what is most important to you will prevail. All of our actions have consequences. You can't make someone like something they inherently don't like. I equate it to my hatred for onions...no matter what you do to them, I will still not like onions, ever!

[Claire Cook]

For me, about six months into our marriage. At first, I did not dress much. Now, after 41 years, I dress part of every day and she accepts me for everything that I am -- just as I accept her. Mutual trust is a big part of our marriage, and I probably couldn't bear the guilt of lying to her all of these years. I am amazed that some of you have done so.

[AmandaBlack]

Secret for 18 years now...a close call once or twice but I only dress when she is away...not "out" or gone for the "day".."AWAY", off visiting family or friends. She knows I enjoy sexy things and lingerie...just not the part where I'm wearing it! LOL. So, would it be that much a suprise to her? Likely not but I do not think she would accept it either. OK, time to log off and clear my "History"...

[Staci]

I have been experimenting with crossdressing for the entire time we were dating. Have been married a number of years now and we are actually headed away for the weekend and I am bringing my new long red satin dress, 3 swimsuits, and all the ammenities. It is much easier with her knowing than not knowing.

[Andy66]

You can't make someone like something they inherently don't like. I equate it to my hatred for onions...no matter what you do to them, I will still not like onions, ever!

Too bad some people are taught to hate onions, and are not open minded enough to try to understand the onion.

I'm amazed how many people here live with a spouse who makes them feel horrible every time she thinks she smells an onion. Or worse yet, those who hide onions on the off chance their spouse might hate the onions. Is that any way to live?

[Melanie R]

I told my wife one month after we were married in December of 1980. She immediately told me that she loved me and would accept and support me. Five days later we had show and tell with me dressed from head to toe. Her response was you need help - help with dressing, makeup, walking, talking, etc. 6 months later she helped to organize the first Tri-Ess chapter in Houston and served as the first wife to lead a CD organization. Then came four books she wrote that have helped many CD's and SO's. With her support and unconditional love, I have been able to travel the world enfemme as well as share this experience with thousands who have gone on 39 Dignity Cruises over the past 20 years. When I told her my first thought was that this second marriage was going to be very short. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to have the good fortune of having this fantastic woman in my life. I am truly blessed.

[Danielle76]

Living the lie is far better than the ultimate consequences.

Yes, I regret not being 100% honest but the alternative is disaster.

Yes, I have had some near misses but I have survived. However these near misses will be supporting evidence if the lie is ever uncovered.

Pragmatism 1, Truth 0, with time to play.

I am SOOOO in agreement with this! That's all well and good that some of you out there have wives that are tolerant, or even into it, but some of us have marriages that would be destroyed should our secret come out. I, for one, am content to never share this side with my wife. Especially since it's not part of my identity, it's just something that is sexually arousing.

[Marcie R.]

Thank you to everyone that replied to my question. I think after all the advice, I will still keep my secret. I feel if my wife knew about my crossdressing the marriage would collapse. We spend a lot of time with her four sisters and their husbands. We have always had great times together. I would certainly not want these people, along with our mutual friends to know about my CDing, so the only alternative is to carry on living this secret to survive. I've been very careful all my life and will continue to do so.
Marcie R.

[AKAMichelle]

I have hid it for 25 years. Even when she did catch me wearing some of her clothes some 20 years ago, I lied my way out of it as some kind of a fetish. So without any more information she believed it until I told her the truth. That was a tough couple of months. I had hoped that it would pull us together by putting myself out there so much. Instead it made the distance between us even greater.

I put all of the clothes up in safe keeping. No more purging here, and the other problems picked up steam. Now I am heading for a divorce later this spring. That's ok. We were hanging on by a thread and had been for many years.

[mklinden2010]

It took me a while to figure it out, but it's best to just speak your mind about things as you go along - with the person you're spending most your life (and hers) with!

When it comes to the current relationship, as soon as I had the first thought that I should mention it, I did. There was a short pause while she thought about it, but we've been happy with each other for many years now and CDing is not and never has been an issue with us.

In my last marriage (which ended with her dying 17 years into it) I hemmed and hawed when I should have just spoken up. She didn't like it that I beat around the bush so much early on, but she got used to what I was doing/wanted to do and life went on happily once the hurt feelings got addressed. And, whenever we had a scheduling problem, money problem, family problem related to CDing it was my job to speak up and get us dealing with it instead of stewing about it in silence. "Communicate, don't marinate!"

There are many ways to live your life. Living in the closet, for whatever reason, is not very close to the best way to do it for either of you... Money, kids, job, church excuses don't change that at all. It's a shame most people want to argue that it does.