How to educate people about crossdressers.

[Hope]

I have had pedicures done by a nice woman and one comment that she has made to me, is that she hopes that I do do not crossdress. I was lying to her when I said that I do not. I really wanted to say, yes. I was afraid to say otherwise due to her strong negative feelings towards a CD.

It absolutely boggles my mind that so few people think before speaking. How on earth can you answer a question like that? I probably would have asked her something like "If I were a cross dresser, it would be pretty awkward right about now wouldn't it?" And then I would never go back to her for her services again. Rude employee = lost customer.

Of course, that is what I would likely do - what I would hope I would do is different... I would hope I would patiently, and calmly have a conversation with her about her bias and do some education. If I could just live up to the expectations "Ideal Me" has for me...

Seriously thoughts like this go back to the concept of the dreaded "P" word.

I guess I just shake my head. There are only so many ways to tell people to be themselves. I guess some will just slip through the cracks and never REALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps for some people doing "the dreaded "P" word" IS being themselves? If not passing is who you are, and how you are comfortable - then that is exactly the right thing for you. But not everyone here is you. Some of us are not comfortable being a dude in a dress. Some of us feel most comfortable passing. For some of us, who we are is women - and being understood that way is legitimate.

Shake your head all you want, there is no excuse for this chip on your shoulder.

[Rebecca W.]

again, the explanation to why we cd shouldn't be in the form of a letter but in the form of a discussion because i think spoken words are more powerful than anything thats written. in a one on one encounter i think the best way to approach your argument is to explain the reason behind cross dressing in terms of biology/science. for instance you can say that your feminine side is more dominant and thats why you appear more feminine, which is a natural trait that can not be a choice. so thats what i am. just like its normal to be taller than average, which is not a choice either is it?????? i wonder.
in other words if you are 100 percent hetero macho man and you like to wear female's clothing than there is really something wrong with you. your feminine side must be really kicking your ass if you can't wait to get home from work just to put that skirt on and enjoy who you really are. other wise why would you do that???

Your response is so real and so right on the mark with my feelings on dressing. I am a man and always will be, but I have a calming feminine side that needs to be able to express her feelings. Being here is opening up that closed door on my life as Rebecca.

[QUOTE=Hope;2058005]It absolutely boggles my mind that so few people think before speaking. How on earth can you answer a question like that? I probably would have asked her something like "If I were a cross dresser, it would be pretty awkward right about now wouldn't it?" And then I would never go back to her for her services again. Rude employee = lost customer.

That is why I opened my closet door and joined this site, it is the amazing support! Every step that I take in womens shoes from now on, will carry with it the comments that I have received from all of the wonderful people on here, like you.

[AmberLynn]

After reading thru everyone's post about haveing a letter about why we do what we do and we not being pervert's and such but still have a desire to explain to people about us I have a question,and be honest now. who in that same sitution at that min would say,yes i am a crossdresser does that bother you? I know i wouldn't. As for a letter,i think more of a pamplit to be given out at a function for cd's in your area. I have givin a lot of thought to this over the last few years.

We all want change right? we all want to be except the way we are are. but alot of us hide "my self included" behind dark curtins in are home's and let the jerry show dictate what we are I want to know, Is there a way to get a public event,A really big public event where we as cd's can come forward and tell the willing to listen what we are and what we do and dispell the myth's. Like i seen here in the qc they are haveing there annual gay pride parade,why couldnt we as a people organize are own form? I relize this has gone off topic,but Im starting to relize that if we want to be excepted outside are home's we are the ones that will have to make it happen

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

who in that same sitution at that min would say,yes i am a crossdresser does that bother you?

Been there, done that. Over 10 years ago, I never let myself get into the situation of being asked. Now, if someone asks, I give them an honest answer.

Mind you, in spite of the long hair, long nails, very shaped and tweezed brows, lack of facial and body hair and pierced ears, most people either don't even think of the possibility or don't say anything.

alot of us hide "my self included" behind dark curtins in are home's and let the jerry show dictate what we are

I guess I'm lucky to have no idea what you mean by jerry show. Obviously not Tom and Jerry.

[sonia_dargency]

Let them read you. Smile. Say, "Hello." Offer that it's a nice day to go shopping. Be a friendly person.

Most people don't have a chronic problem with crossdressing; it's not really something they even think about most the time.

But, when they come across it, it goes down better if you're a "friendly guy/gal/person in a dress" instead of some "unknown, er, thing."

Relate to them in a positive way so they can respond in kind.

I agree,

I shopped around a little and dared to say it was for me (in drab), and because I was confident, joyful, I had great reactions from some ladies SA who saw me as a cool person to be with rather than a freak pervert.

some forgot I was a man and chatted into fashion details of my choices like I was a girl (still in drab...)

No better statement can help the cause of crossdressing than showing that it makes people better, I think.

[Starfire Jade]

Letters wont help. If you truly want to educate people our IMAGE needs to improve as in stop wearing panties at gay pride parades and scaring children.

What I like about this website is the pictures uploaded here are moderated, But if you want a true look at our "community" as a whole then go to myspace where its anarchy. Make a myspace account and look at all the crossdressing groups on there, look at all the members. When you do you will know why people are "shocked" at us.

[Janet K.]

Your comments are so true Starfire Jade! I am a member of myspace and facebook, and there are tons of people that give us respectable crossdressers a very bad name out there. You Tube at times can get pretty bad as well.
AliceJane-Jerry show is the Jerry Springer show--an atrocious show where they round up all of the scum in the US and give them their 15 minutes of fame. They are always having the cheaters, molestors, rapists, and thugs on there with the only purpose of the show being to shock the audience.

[Lorileah]

who in that same sitution at that min would say,yes i am a crossdresser does that bother you?

Me. But I always say to them, don't ask questions that you really don't want to know the answer to. If they really want to know after that, we talk. If they really didn't want to know, they do now because I told them in a round about way and gave them an "out" to not go into further detail.

As for a letter,i think more of a pamplit to be given out at a function for cd's in your area. I have givin a lot of thought to this over the last few years.

Honey, you aren't selling Mary Kay or vinyl siding. You aren't running for office. You are able to speak, so use that ability. You aren't trying to sell anyone on this. Just explain it if they want to know. If they don't don't force it on them as it will just give you a bad image. You could never explain everything in a pamphlet anyway. How do you list stuff.
Do you list bullet points? Have them fill out a questionnaire and then answer it? Make sure you cover the big questions. What is a crossdresser (go back through the 100's of posts here I am sure you will get a definitive answer...not). Are you gay, straight, bi, ambi, auto? Do you want to be a woman (do all CD's want to be a woman?). Do you hang around women's restrooms? Does your wife/GF/children know?
Do you think your pastor (or religious leader...or diety) approves. Do you get a sexual kick.

See it is too big a can of worms to make a handout. We understand your idea here. You want to get the word out. But handing out a leaflet is not the way to go. If you insist, try it for a week. You think they look at you funny now? They will take your pamphlet with the tips of two fingers, hold it out at arms length, shuffle the children behind them, smile nervously while backing away like you were a bear trying to steal the picnic basket.

We all want change right? we all want to be except the way we are are. but alot of us hide "my self included" behind dark curtins in are home's and let the jerry show dictate what we are

Getting angry is a good start. When you see injustice,you should be angry. Now direct it toward good. The "Jerry" show is entertainment. The TG community in the entertainment area fits two basic genre', Clowns and psychopaths. Sympathetic portrayals of us are few and over looked. Unfortunately as long as the majority of people see us as clowns and psychopaths (when was the last newspaper article you ever saw that said crossdresser saves bank, instead of man in dress robs bank? You never see man in three piece suit found sitting near school). With every civil rights movement it started with the "I am not taking this anymore" attitude. Then stereotypes had to be dis-proven. Most these things were so outrageous that when we look back on them we can't believe that anyone believed them. Our first obstacle is to show that we have this as an innate part of our being. When we keep having people who even in our own community say that we can give this up or that it is OK to hide this because we don't HAVE to be this in public (can you imagine other civil rights groups saying that...I don't HAVE to be (religious or ethnic) in public, I can pass as something else...read history of the last 50 years and you'll see that the same idea was pushed), it is hard to dispel stereotypes. Just blend in...ha! It starts with us. (to paraphrase a really bad quote from a recent sound bite "How is that hidey closety thing workin' out fer ya?").

I want to know, Is there a way to get a public event,A really big public event where we as cd's can come forward and tell the willing to listen what we are and what we do and dispell the myth's. Like i seen here in the qc they are haveing there annual gay pride parade,why couldnt we as a people organize are own form?

Why not use that platform? We have hung onto the gay's coattails for a long time. They are giving you the stage, use it. But don't let the clowns and drag queens upstage you. And don't "dis" the gays by shouting "Listen to me!!!! I am who I am ...oh and by the way I AM NOT GAY..ewwww!" that's not helpful. There are groups who participate in these types of gatherings who are not flamboyant drag queens (who get the press because they are flamboyant). Join them. However, some of those groups need a lesson in acceptance also , what's with the caveats to join like you have to be heterosexual?

I relize this has gone off topic,but Im starting to relize that if we want to be excepted outside are home's we are the ones that will have to make it happen

You have learned well grasshopper. Now channel that to do good. But not with handouts. At least not in everyday life, save it for PRIDE. Pamphlets will work well there. It's hard. It is an uphill battle that we have to face, made even more difficult by having fractions here who don't want any part of the others. Remember the song "there is the green one who won't accept the red one for living with the fat one trying to be the skinny one." Then it says "we got to live together..." When we learn to accept ourselves, then we can help people accept us. That means let's quit the I am a CD not a TS and vice versa arguments and the dress to pass only group.

Frustrating ain't it?

addendum: to Starfire Jade. The smallest group can make the biggest noise. The Myspace people are not representative of the majority no more than skinheads represent middle America. It is what people WANT to look at that gets the biggest number of hits. It is making statements like that that are not helpful to those who are closeted. When you display that attitude, then the people who are scared to come out, don't because even YOU as a member of the TG community make a big deal over the small minority who are using this as a sexual fetish (Sorry DRS). I don't search MYSpace for anything ( I do have an account...in Karaoke...but I don't think the people there are really representative of musicians in general....see my point?) but there is probably several CD groups who don't stand naked in the street wearing heels and panties that you just haven't found. I know there are several on Facebook. Don't be putting us all in the same handbasket. We have society doing that for us already.

[rmills400]

just don't be creepy! i've turned older women who are initally against crossdressing into believers... they would nod their heads when i would make a purchase but not say anything... i held my ground and still frequented the store until they began to talk to be as normal. one day she asked me who all the clothes were for and i pulled out a greta picture of myself and how good i looked and she was amazed. now she greets me with a smile every time she sees me

[Sweet Jane]

why not educate people about crossdressers by being a paragon of society who just happens to dress like a woman....giving out a letter to people will make you seem like a nutter in reality, so how about letting your actions speak for themselves...

still from what I see, theres lots of crossdressers educating their spouse, and society....unfortunately they are telling them that a crossdresser is a dishonest cheating sexual deviant who dresses like some slapper soliciting and has no family values....

yes, we are judged by our actions, just make sure your actions give the impression that you wish to convey

[sonia_dargency]

Any group has a normal composition - that means its distribution follow a bell curve with the few nasty on one side, a mass of idiots in the first middle half, a mass of OK people in the second middle half , and a few awesome at the other side.

Crossdresser are no exception.

In the past, I had a similar issue, facing the popular idea that martial artists were violent people... yes, some don't get it and do it wrong, giving bad press to the ones who do it right.

I had people making nasty comments when I was training in a public space but I got over it and have shown them that it goes beyond punching and kicking.

This is how I try to educate my wife and SA I deal with, crossdressing makes me a better person, and they can benefit from it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

No one cares unless it is in their face...

there are VERY few people sitting at home right now thinking about transgendered folks and getting all upset..

however, in the moment, many of those same people will have all kinds of thoughts and reactions that make us feel terrible and it causes alot of fear, guilt and shame in our community..

going activist, blasting emails, writing letters etc are just not likely to have a big impact...it needs to be one on one..

starting with loved ones, then friends, then colleagues, then the jerkoff at the pedicurists...we can just tell our stories

each conversation can emphasize the very real and very NORMAL condition we "have?"....who cares why we like to dress or feel that we must live as women..

there is no rule that says you have to do this..its a totally reasonable choice to keep it a secret in most cases, but if you do want to make a difference , and you are comfortable with your own self, then i beleive one on one discussions are the way to go.....for those of us transitioning there are large groups of people that we can talk to...isnt it better to hear it from you and see how happy you rather than get the info in the gossip world??

so far out of well over 100 people, i've had 4 that said they dont understand and dont want to continue our relationship...i know the number because each one hurt to a varying degree...

however all of them wished me luck and heard my speech...and you know I can talk!!!

as far as strangers if it comes up i don't shy away and i've talked on the forum about a couple of nasty episodes and i was lucky enough to turn them around by keeping my cool...

anyway..its a pretty important concept for us and if we talk to enough people we may get the tipping point started and folks will let us be ourselves in peace..

[AmberLynn]

thanks for the wake up call girl's,though i dont want to ride on coat tails,i may have to venture to the pride parade and just let it be out there. maybe the more people see us the more excepting they will eventully become

[Lissa Stevens]

When I had my first pedi I asked her right away if I was her first. She thought I meant man getting a pedi and said no, but I made sure she knew I meant crossdressers. After we talked a bit about it the subject never came up again. I was accepted as any other person who wanted her services.

[Nigella23]

Society, the public, whatever you want to label those out there who aren't Transgender, CD's or whatever you want to label us, are in fact, just us, people. It's a sad human trait to follow the crowd, not to stand in the face of a popular opinion. The general population of Nazi Germany wasn't evil, nor apartheid South Africa, but it is now generally accepted that what those governments and people did was.
The point I'm trying to make is that people are generally more accepting and broadminded than we sometimes give them credit for, or they let themselves be. At a recent works dinner, of about twenty, mainly male colleagues, conversation turned to an employee who was absent and as is all too sadly typical for these sort of events it isn't long before everyone is discussing the absentees' sexuality. People were mostly being ignorant and whilst not being downright politically incorrect, offensive enough all the same. I decided to make a stand for my absent colleague, and what do you know, turns out the people round the table weren't the ignorant bigots that they seemed like earlier! As a group they were willing to follow what they were told was 'right' and 'normal', but once challenged and made to think as individuals, they were actually decent people after all.

[VikkiVixen7188]

I think we all define it diferently, and we all do it for diferent reasons.

So if you really need to do a note, just explain your definition and why you do it. No need to explain the whole thing. Some ppl dont really care to hear about it, doesnt mean they are hostile toward us, just they got other things a lot more important to think about.

When I have to explain myself, I just explain myself. I dont go out of the way to make ppl feel comfortable around me, they either are or they arent. Most of the time they are set on it and nothing I can say is going to change their mind so dont bother. Id forget it. We dont have an obligation to explain ourselves.

[Jamie001]

There is no reason to explain anything when you are getting a pedicure. So what if you want to wear bright pink? It is no different than a woman getting a tattoo (note that tattoos are considered to be masculine). A woman doesn't bring a note or make a big deal about getting a tattoo.

[Byanca]

I have had pedicures done by a nice woman and one comment that she has made to me, is that she hopes that I do do not crossdress. I was lying to her when I said that I do not. I really wanted to say, yes. I was afraid to say otherwise due to her strong negative feelings towards a CD.

Just say that this is an awfully mean thing to say. What if you actually crossdressed. If she had any idea how a comment like this could affect your emotional wellbeing.

[TNRobin]

Well, that was a pretty mean thing for such a "nice" person to say. Besides, it's none of her business. Sorry, but I lose my mind over stuff like this.

I got daring a few weeks ago and went to a salon for the first time for some styling, coloring and highlights. I went as a guy and I was explaining to the woman that was doing my hair that I had to be able to pass as a guy, but I wanted a nice style. She actually talked me into the highlights as I hadn't given that any thought and I like them.

Anway, so she obviously knows that I'm a crossdresser, and we're in the midst of the bible belt, and I said to her that there are just some people that are friends or that I do business with that wouldn't understand. Her response was priceless; "well, f*** 'em"

She's got all of my business now!

[sterling12]

OK, so now treat your next meeting as an opportunity. You have to choose your own words, but I think I would start The Conversation with: "You know, when I talked to you The Last Time, I wasn't completely candid and honest with you, and its been bothering me." "I AM Transgendered, and yes I Crossdress." I don't know why you were concerned about my crossdressing, but I 'd like to give you a little background about myself, about who I am, and why I am this way." "Maybe, if we both listen and understand one another better, this won't be a problem between us and we can be good friends." "First thing, why did you ask me about my situation last week, and do you have any specific questions?"

I'm sure you can think of a better way to put things into your own words, but you get The Idea. Keep it positive, keep it civil, even if SHE has a problem, you took The High Moral Ground, and you can walk away and find a new pedicurist.

For ALL OF US, these situations will become more and more common. As we step out of The Shadows, our biggest enemy will be ignorance, and that breeds FEAR. When given an opportunity to "Outreach," take it! Each and every one of us will have an opportunity to do our small "bit" for The Cause. Take hundreds and thousands of those "opportunities," and you have a real change in people's attitudes.

peace and Love, Joanie

[sometimes_miss]

I have this very strong feeling on wanting to educate people about crossdressing.

Good luck with that. Most people don't like being educated. Sure, if they are interested or ask I will volunteer information, but if I see any negative prejudices (you know the kind, the derogatory remark like 'Why in the world would any real man want to be a sissy?') I just let it pass. Too many people don't want their beliefs questioned, much less changed.

[Frédérique]

again, the explanation to why we cd shouldn't be in the form of a letter but in the form of a discussion because i think spoken words are more powerful than anything thats written.

[SIZE="2"]You have to assume that people can read, or want to read, or wish to be educated before offering any knowledge. I would prefer to do avoid enlightening anyone about crossdressing, simply because I know it's a pointless exercise, but I don't have the mind (or charisma) of an activist, and I dislike speaking in public... [/SIZE]

But I always say to them, don't ask questions that you really don't want to know the answer to. If they really want to know after that, we talk. If they really didn't want to know, they do now because I told them in a round about way and gave them an "out" to not go into further detail.
You aren't trying to sell anyone on this. Just explain it if they want to know. If they don't don't force it on them as it will just give you a bad image. You could never explain everything in a pamphlet anyway.

[SIZE="2"]Yes, my reply is always "Don't ask," but that response is for people outside of my immediate circle. I always make the connection with trying to explain why I make my artwork the way I do (and I have to do that all the time). If you don't know anything about art, or you aren't sensitive to begin with, why bother trying to define the undefineable for that person? On the other hand, if someone takes the time to stop and look at something beautiful, I can talk to that person about art. As far as crossdressing is concerned, if a person is open to the many ways you can be in this life, curious about existence and THINKING about how little time one may have, and be sensitive to tactile and beautiful things no matter what they may be, then I would talk about crossdressing with that person. A person must be predisposed to free and creative thinking if you want me to chime in on the issue at hand -- anything else is is a waste of time for me and the listener. It's difficult to explain emotional issues with words, unless you happen to be a gifted author or poet, and crossdressing deals with deep emotions. Can you explain joy to a joyless individual? Can you explain sensuality to a brute? Can you explain why you cry when you see something beautiful to a person who is blind to beauty? This is exactly why I keep my mouth shut (except in rare cases) and avoid confrontation. I really don't want to be reminded of the prejudices and ingrained negative thinking that pass for "normalcy" in the world today. Others who have better communication skills may try to educate the public in some small way, but you'll be swimming against a tide of rejection and futility. Some will relish the task at hand, but I don't have the stomach for it -- I get plenty of rejection in the art world, thank you...[/SIZE]

Good luck with that. Most people don't like being educated. Sure, if they are interested or ask I will volunteer information, but if I see any negative prejudices (you know the kind, the derogatory remark like 'Why in the world would any real man want to be a sissy?') I just let it pass. Too many people don't want their beliefs questioned, much less changed.

[SIZE="2"]Exactly. The presence of negative prejudice keeps me in the closet. I don't expect my lifestyle to be embraced by the public (especially here, in the Heartland) anytime in the foreseeable future, so I stay out of sight. The fact I'm an artist, unmarried, and don't go to church raises enough red flags for the family values crowd, so I don't think it would be wise to stroll down Main Street in my femme finery and attempt to advance the "cause" of sissiness. It's healthy to question everything, but few people see the benefits of this simple idea. As Benny Hill once said, "A man who dresses as a woman can't be all bad," but to most "normal" people it is all bad, and therein lies the problem...

PS -- It's nearly impossible to explain crossdressing to another crossdresser, let alone a non-believer...[/SIZE]

[Rebecca W.]

Here is how I can reply to so many wonderful letters:

Thank you all for such wonderful replies to my subject. You have really brought about a major change in my life as to how I will react to people. I agree with Starfire that there is an image that is portrayed through the media and the general public is not going to look past the perception of a crossdresser as some sort of abnormal behavior.

When I shop in the stores, I do not act any different than a woman or a man purchasing clothes. Just because I am shopping in the womans department and not exhibiting any unusual behavoir other than looking at clothes, why should anyone care. I do not anymore! I was out shopping today and I used my new attitude and it works just fine.

Now, thanks to all of the great feedback, I am prepared to answer any comments directed towards me. Nothing asked, nothing said. But if something is said, then something polite is said back. Basic education by first presenting myself as a person in control of my emotions and then to have the ability to discuss crossdressing in a civil manner. It will be tough for the first few situations that require a response, but I have so much support here that I will do just fine!

The media can work in your favor and it can just as well destroy the most upstanding person. I also agree that when have you seen a crossdresser in the spotlight for helping stop a robbery, helping out in a disaster, ect.?

I had more doubts about joining this forum than anything positve that I could think of. I was so WRONG. Every letter from the very first response to the posting of my introduction letter, to this incredible outpouring of support on how to educate people on crossdressers is fantastic. I too, had to change my perception of myself as a crossdresser. For a very long time I too believed that I was abnormal and not worthy of being accepted into our society as an individual, with a different way towards expressing who I am.

I may sound like a broken record, but everyone here has opened up a new chapter in my life as an individual. A person, that dresses in a not so typical style to be able to express a side of me as a woman. I will not suppress my feelings and deny who I am anymore.

You are all my friends and when I have the time I will bring up more subject matter to discuss on here. I know that I can count on amazing replies!

Thank you,
Rebecca
When I have more time I will reply back to each persons letter.