Might as well still be in the closet

[minalost]

This post is directed at all our sisters (and anyone else who might have an opinion on the topic) who have wives that know about their crossdressing but don’t want to be involved.

Do you just dress as you please? Or do you make sure to only crossdress out of her sight?

Do you talk about your crossdressing activities or is it a complete “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?

Do you feel guilty about your crossdressing activities, even though they’re not a secret; and if so, why?

What, if anything, has really changed – good or bad - by coming out of the closet to your wife?

Do you feel like you are still in the closet?

I’ll go first:

I only dress when she’s not at home.

The last time we talked about it was over 2 months ago. I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to cause her pain; and she doesn’t bring it up, I THINK, because she’s hoping it will go away. Or maybe she’s trying to avoid causing ME pain. This one is still fuzzy.

Yes, I STILL feel guilty about crossdressing. Why? Because I’m STILL hiding it from her; even though she knows. Sound silly doesn’t it? I also think it’s because I have an activity that specifically excludes the one I love the most in the world, and that just feels wrong.

Good changes: I don’t have to hide my things quite a vigorously. I don’t have to worry about her drawing the wrong conclusions if she finds some of my femme things lying around. I’m not lying to her. Bad changes: the pain and confusion she feels from all the years I did hide it. Other than this, nothing has really changed. I still sneak around to buy my things, and I still sneak around to dress in them.

YES, YES, YES, I feel like I’m still in the closet. See “sneaking around” above. Also, humans are social animals. We want to get together with other like minded, and sometimes not so like minded, people and socialize. When I dress at home I’m alone. One of her boundaries is that I not go out in public while dressed, so I stay home: alone.

Okay, enough whining! Part of my problem is I’m still recovering from my last purge and it’s taking too long. I’m really not ready to go out in public yet, but I will be soon, and I’d like to do it with my wife! Maybe I can talk her into going to another town? I know there are no support groups in our area, I’ve checked, but Minneapolis/St. Paul is only 5 or 6 hours away, maybe I can join a group out that way and visit every few months.

Anyway, thanks for listening, all those who made it all the way through this really long post!

[StaceyJane]

My wife knows about my crossdressing and is okay with it she just doesn't want to see me as a girl.

I can respect that and I don't around her. Today my wife came home early from work and she called me from the driveway so she wouldn't come in on me dressed. Good thing too because I was full on Stacey when she called.

I'm hoping one day I can share Stacey with her until then I will respect my wife's whishes.

[Kathi Lake]

Mina,

We sound very similar. My wife told me years ago that she didn't want to know about it, and she didn't want to see it. Whether or not this was a reaction to seeing me dressed, I don't know. I have tried to honor her request these past 15-20 years or so.

Fast forward 20 years (boy, is that an understatement! ) and I hit 45. I suddenly realize that I have wasted all of that time - when I could have been out and about - by dressing indoors. I swallow my pride and my fear and creeeeak open that front door and step out into that bright, beautiful sunshine. I haven't looked back since.

My wife knew something was up. She knew that I was buying more, going out more, being more. At one point, she got past the "embarrassment barrier" and confronted me. She said that by not telling her, that I was in fact lying. I reminded her that she had told me not to tell her. Didn't matter. I was still in the wrong. Sigh.

That is essentially where we are now. It is, as I said, the only downfall of my crossdressing. She and I are a bit more open about it - she mentioned that my shopping would have to ratchet down a bit if we get the new house - but there is still an emotional barrier to discussing it further. Instead, I see her glancing at my smooth hands and arms, my brows, my chest, my clothes. She took the lip gloss from my car and put it into her purse - you know, typical passive-aggressive behavior.

Do I feel guilt? Yes. Not for dressing. I have no qualms about that whatsoever. I feel guilt for causing my wife pain. I feel guilt for being less of a man in her eyes. I feel guilt for doing what was asked - leaving her out of it. Am I angry at this woman for the way she feels? Not in the slightest. I love this woman with all my heart, mind and being. She is my everything. She just has a little personality quirk - she doesn't want to see her man as a woman.



Kathi

[jenifer m.]

my wife and sister know about me and i wear mostly fem things in or out of the house .with or without her,but she gets very uncomfortable when we are out and i want to look at girly things,or buy something.she said she would prefer i buy my things when shes not around.plus shes not too thrilled when i wear any makeup around her.although i do use my eyebrow pencill in front of her,and she says nothing.maybe she just needs more exposure to my fem ways so she gets used to it.but i dont want to take any steps backwards either so i guess time will tell.

[mklinden2010]

Since I fall under the "and anyone else" clause, I'll repeat what I've been saying all along...

I'm an adult. I relized - after a while - that I needed to talk to my SO about this and just told her what needed to be said. And, then I did what I needed to do - which was get on with my, our lives.

She heard me, thought it over, looked at what there was to see, and went on with our life too. I respected her and the relationship enough to speak up and she trusts me to be mindful of "our" relationship and to do what's best for it, not each of us.

This means, if tension comes up, my taking steps to make us both more comfortable. That does not mean ignoring problems, or, hiding them.

A few days back someone asked about how to tell his SO. I said, "Just open your mouth and start talking." The answer to the question about the tension around the house is the same, "Just open your mouth and start talking." You'll learn how to deal with things and steer them in productive directions, I hope.

Since she's already upset about your not telling her sooner, apologize again - "I was younger and dumber." And, since you think she's upset now about something related, talk to her about that too. Nothing is going to get better until you get better as solving problems like this.

This isn't going to be the only thing that comes up in life. The basement will flood, the kids will wreck the car, you'll buy too many lottery tickets, she'll loose her keys nine times and you'll have to go get her - in the rain, or, the snow, or, when the AC doesn't work in your car and it's 120 degrees...

Just learn to deal with life well and you'll see that all problems ask of you the same thing: to do something useful about them.

Do that, and you'll be more hero than zero no matter what you wear...

Oh, guilt?

No, not unless I'm essentially playing hookey when I should be doing something else. This long post, for example; I didn't plan the time for this today... Oh, well, I'll hurry something else up.

But, going out/staying home/visiting support groups/shopping/etc.? That's up to you. Try it, you might like it. Then again, maybe not. The thing is, if it's something you want to do, to try, you'll have to make the effort it takes to work it out as you both go along.

Make your own life. Both of you.

She can speak up too... Show her how.

Good luck.

[SuzanneBender]

She said that by not telling her, that I was in fact lying. I reminded her that she had told me not to tell her. Didn't matter. I was still in the wrong.

Women just when you think you are one you realize you still don't have them figured out!

My wife knows about my femme side and asks me to not express the external side of Suzanne around her. All my female wardrobe is in my closet and I still feel like I am in there with it. The world knows and accepts Suzanne; My wife knows Suzanne and is wrestling with acceptance of her; most of my friends and others that know my male side do not know the real me and have not been given the opportunity to accept or reject Suzanne.

Do I feel guilt? Not for being who I am. I feel guilt for not initially telling her about this before marriage. Then I told her and I let her take herself down a path of thinking that this is just a quirky hobby. It is much much much more that that. Now that she realizes who I really am she shows some empathy but also an enormous amount of pain. I see her looking at me and longing to have the man she married rather than the woman inside. That causes enormous guilt and sadness. I can't be mad at my bride. She didn't sign up for this tour. I shanghaid her. just wake up everyday hoping and praying that she realizes the woman inside is a better partner than that shell of a man that she married could ever be.


Darling this is a wonderful thread and its not that long. Trust us Kathi and I know long posts

[WandaRae2009]

Do you just dress as you please? Or do you make sure to only crossdress out of her sight?

She wants no part of it, so I can only dress when no one is home or when I travel which isn't often enough.

Do you talk about your crossdressing activities or is it a complete “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?

Don't ask don't tell. It only comes up when she comes across something she doesn't want to see. It has been a couple of months since anything was discussed

Do you feel guilty about your crossdressing activities, even though they’re not a secret; and if so, why?

Not so much any more. It is makes me unhappy that I know it makes her unhappy, but the guilt is gone since I came out to her

What, if anything, has really changed – good or bad - by coming out of the closet to your wife?

As i saaid above, the guilt is gone, I don't have to hide everything as deeply, If she finds something, she gives me a hard time, but it is a lot less stressfull

Do you feel like you are still in the closet?

Yes - She and all of you are the only ones that know. Because of this site, I have gotten up the nerve to go out, and can't wait to do it again.

[DiannaRose]

I was going to answer your questions, Mina, but reading through everyone else's answers I realize you've already gotten mine!

My wife knows but doesn't want to see. She accepts that I'm going to start going out dressed (to CD-safe places at set times), even though she doesn't want to think about HOW I'm going to get dressed. She also doesn't want to think about where I'm keeping my clothes, or what I'm buying. She's getting better about accepting some of these things, though. Three months ago she couldn't handle the idea that I was talking on-line with other crossdressers. Today she's saying I should go out with them (once a month is the deal, for now). She WOULD NOT, however, want to hear I have a femme name, though she MUST suspect it, since when I talk about my friends I always use the pronoun "she", and she's heard some of their names. hehe!

[GwenPH]

Well my GF knows of my dressing. I told her early in our relationship and as the years go by she almost seems indifferent to it. I do not dress as I would like to for a few reasons, first I just don't have the wardrobe. I'm very hesitant to try and buy things on my own, even after all these years. While at the same time she rarely participates in any shopping trips on my behalf. I have only fully dressed around her 2 or 3 times in 8+ years of being open about it.

It's not too often I bring up the topic of crossdressing. I sometimes walk around in heels in front of her, but we don't really talk about it. I would like to talk about it more, and plan to keep working on that. We did discuss it early on, as it wasn't met with wide open arms. We have come a long way since day one. Sometimes when we are out shopping , I'll say I like some random piece of clothing as we pass by. The response is usually "you like that dress, for who? you or me?" That's about as close as it gets to talking about it lately.

I do have feelings of guilt about crossdressing, but I'm not entirely sure where they stem from. It seems growing up having to hide it for so long, makes me feel like it's wrong.
Even though we all know it's not. It does seem to have faded to some degree as I get older, and I look forward to guilt free dressing in my future.

What has changed for me the most after I told my GF, was that I lost most of the anxiety I carried while hiding it from her (although I didn't hide it long).
Worrying about where I put those shoes or that skirt was gone. What if she came home early, didn't worry me anymore. I didn't have to do any more secret loads of laundry either!

I do feel like I'm in the closet, but that is more self imposed since I just haven't ventured out dressed (yet). That and the fact that no one, outside of the GF knows of my crossdressing.
I'm still looking for that CD friendly place to make the debut, then I can at least crack the door open.

Thanks to all for taking the time to share and listen

[Billijo49504]

My wife knows, cuz I wear only womens clothes. What I call fem drab. Every morning it bra and panty time. I'm a 42C, so I really need to wear one. Last Sunday we went shopping together to 2 malls. So not in any closet...BJ

[sherri52]

You are still in the closet but at least the door is open. With any luck some things will change and your wife will open the door further. If you love your wife you will let time do the talking. You might have to put the clock ahead every now and then.

[SAMANTHA727]

Do you just dress as you please? Or do you make sure to only crossdress out of her sight?

I dress as I please, I have an all girl day one time a week. On that day I play the house wife make the wife dinner as she works all day. She checks me out when she gets home and tells me how I am doing she knows that I want to be passable so we can go out together as girl friends. Last week she told me I was going to get pick up by some guy, I think I need more work before I try and go out but looking forward to the day.

Do you talk about your cross dressing activities or is it a complete “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?
We talk about it she said I should take the classes down in Seattle on how to be a lady.

Do you feel guilty about your cross dressing activities, even though they’re not a secret; and if so, why?

No I have no guilt getting to love the new me.

What, if anything, has really changed – good or bad - by coming out of the closet to your wife?

I think we are closer now as I have no secrets from Her and I am trying to be the best for her always.

Do you feel like you are still in the closet?

Yes I feel in the closet only because I want to go out and pass and have fun, something I have not done at this time. When I do start getting out I will feel the that closet door has opened for Me.

thanks for the post Samantha

[Debbie37]

Been there done that...I know where you're coming from and it's not a fun place to be. I tried hard to keep my dressing underwraps and yes we tried the don't ask don't tell thing. It didn't work for us...she didn't like it and I didn't like feeling like a freak. In the end the conclusion led to divorce. Not happy about that outcome but mutual happiness made it necessary. Don't mean to sound so glum but I've everything you've talked about and it still led to divorce. Good luck to you and keep us updated on how things work out.

[Greymancd]

My wife knows because I told her. We went to counselling and she has decided that I can dress but she does not want to see me dressed. I stopped for a few months but the feeling was always there. One day we were cleaning the closet and there happened to be askirt and top she put on the bed for me to put away. At that momtent I could not resist and I put them on. after that I wanted to dress more one night i ded dress and then I told her since that was the deal anytime I dress I tell her. She was upset I waited a couple days before telling her but we reiterated the rules. I can dress and if I need to dress when she is home she will leave and let me do it. She is away for a few days so I dressed last night makeup, wig , breastforms and all. I loved it and had so much fun. Tonight I am dressed again and loving it it makes me feel so loose (in a good way) and relaxed. When I call tonight I will tell her and keep it in the open. Maybe one day she will accept it more but for now I accept this.

[Lynn Marie]

I really feel for you girls. When my ex found out, I purged and we never talked about it. Then again, there was a whole bunch of other stuff that we never talked about either. All these areas that were out of bounds. So after a while we really stopped communicating at all. That was pretty much the end. Then I realized that we really didn't even like each other.

I guess I could have continued to endure the rest of my life. She could have endured too. If I'd stayed I'd be wealthier, but in fact a whole lot poorer. Our parting has actually made both of us happier and more successful and much more at peace with ourselves.

I surely don't advocate divorce. That's way over the top. I did wait until my daughter was out of the house and made sure she was okay with it. She actually had wondered for years why we stayed together.

Talk before it's too late. Waiting won't change things, it just seems to drag things out and they are still the same. Just seems like somehow you need to show your wives that you are the same sexy, responsible, good loving man she married with a little quirk that could prove to be highly erotic.

Then again, what do I know?

I wish you all the very best for sure and hope it all works out for everybody.

[minalost]

Mina,

Do I feel guilt? Yes. Not for dressing. I have no qualms about that whatsoever. I feel guilt for causing my wife pain. I feel guilt for being less of a man in her eyes. I feel guilt for doing what was asked - leaving her out of it. Am I angry at this woman for the way she feels? Not in the slightest. I love this woman with all my heart, mind and being. She is my everything. She just has a little personality quirk - she doesn't want to see her man as a woman.



Kathi

Kathy, you seem so happy and beautiful all the time, it's sometimes hard to believe your life isn't perfect! I guess we all struggle sometimes.

Darling this is a wonderful thread and its not that long. Trust us Kathi and I know long posts

Thanks Suzanne! I know this was short compared to some posts I've seen it was still long for me.

It’s nice to hear from others in the same boat.
To clarify: I don’t feel guilty about crossdressing, I just feel guilty for hiding it – even though she knows. The silly mind games we play with ourselves…
Love you all!

[Kathi Lake]

Thanks, Mina! No, my life isn't just shopping and makeup and sunshine and kittens. See, I am a real person!

Like everything in life, it's a matter of risk/reward. For me, the positives of dressing far outweigh the negatives. If that balance ever changes, I will change accordingly.

Kathi

[mklinden2010]

Interesting to read other people's responses.

Seems to me the SOs have every reason to be upset with most of what is reported.

I am the same person no matter what I wear. I do not go around saying. "Whoo-whoo!" ad naseum if I dress as a train engineer. I might go around saying, "Aye, matey!" if I dressed as a pirate - and it might be funny... For awhile. Diversion is fun... Exploring is fun, to a point.

But, in any case, I don't go around applying oil to the kitchen chairs, wiping down all the brass in the house, or, actually hack people to death and steal their booty...

If people are dressing up and putting on different voices and personalities, or, acting significantly differently when dressed, their SOs are getting a circus of personalities to deal with... That would unsettle anyone.

A tuxedo has no more influence on my personality than a three-piece skirt, top, and coat "work suit."" I don't express a DIFFERENT (femme) personality, I express my own in a different way.

No wonder so many people are having problems CDing - and living with CDers.

"I wanted my life with you to be a freeway through life, not a three-way for life!"

Be yourself, not several selves.

[Blaire]

My wife certainly prefers that I don't dress around her, but it's not disallowed, and is slowly getting more open. I travel enough that I can try to keep a decent schedule of dressing away from home, and many of my destinations are to great CD places, so I plan accordingly so everyone's happy..

We decided to try and keep it low key at home. We have two young kids, and she doesn't want to have them in the loop. Since kids can't really be overly discrete, and I live in the conservative middle east, I'm fine with that. Eventually they'll figure out that the fuzzy slippers with the 4" heels are too big for mom

[SuzanneBender]

Seems to me the SOs have every reason to be upset with most of what is reported.

Be yourself, not several selves.

Your post grabbed my attention. I am not sure that its all that easy for a lot of ladies. We bury who we really are from an early age so we don't get chastised, beat up, lunch money stolen and shoved in a locker. That fear is inculcated and we are taught that to hide who we are is to survive.

I personnally replaced a lot of things about the real me with things I thought would "cure" me. In that case a lot of us become some of the manliest men around.

There is bound to be a change once we own up to who we are. I know there is a balance between those two worlds, but you don't find the center of gravity until to tip the object to far one way and too far the other for awhile.

I see your point about acting the part, but a lot of us are not "acting" the part. We have commitments, for what ever reasons, that prevent us from being who we really are 24X7.

[Mackenzie]

I have purged 5 times over the past 10 years. I don't do my crossdressing behind my wife's back. She was very reluctant at first, now she fully accepts it because I enjoy it.

I talked with her last night for over 1 hour and the same this morning, expressing my feelings of guilt. I feel like I am two people trapped in one body. I really enjoy dressing as a girl, but then later I feel that I have relinquished self-control and sensibilities that I used to have.

As I signed a note to a friend earlier today, "A Mess", that is what I have been going through today. I asked my precious wife last night if she thought I was a pervert and she said "absolutely not!". She expressed her extreme love for me, which was very assuring.

But as I told her, if any of my close friends knew about my crossdressing or my Pastor knew, they would hardly believe it because of the person I am normally.

I truly don't understand my motivations, and am trying to figure out if they are right or wrong.

Still "A Mess"!

Laced

[stacey.eyes]

I can identify with so much of this thread. My wife knows because she caught me, and since then it's been a gradual process of explaining what I do and why I do it. Most of the time it seems like she would just as soon not think about it, and I'm reluctant to push it. I'll hint at talking about it when there's an opening, but it usually doesn't go too far. At least I can hang my things in the closet now (in the back, out of sight). But I do wish she'd be a bit more curious or open about it. Next time I paint her toenails maybe I'll ask if she'll do mine!

[NicoleScott]

My wife knows, accepts, supports, and sometimes even encourages. I have dressed with her in the house, and she pretty much goes ab out her business, except for checking me out when I finish making up and dressing. She is usually complimentary, and I like that. But I really prefer to dress alone, as it is a personal and arousing experience for me. I really like to dress up when on vacation, in hotel rooms, etc. I know the limits of her acceptance: she does not want to participate, either in a sexual way or going out with me, and she does not approve of my going out (or would not if she knew). So I do it alone, by myself. Definitely Don't Ask Don't Tell. I'm very happy having a partner who accepts my cd-ing, even with the minor limitations mentioned.
So that's where I am. If I may offer my advice, for what it's worth: be careful about asking her to go out with you. If you insist, it may screw up her acceptance or tolerance. Take it slow. Take what she gives you and make the best of it for yourself.

[lacie]

Do you just dress as you please? Or do you make sure to only crossdress out of her sight?

I wouldn't say that I dress "as I please." Most of the time I'll just tell my wife a couple of hours in advance. I'll just say "hey tonight I'm gonna dress. Do you mind?" I normally dress about once every three weeks and it's from just after dinner to bed time. And then I'll sleep in a nightgown or slip. Once awake that's about it for a few weeks. The three week thing is pretty consistent with me but there are times when it's more frequent with some random times when I've felt the need to dress two or more nights in a row. And there are of course times when I'll dress while alone. Even though my wife is very accepting I still sometimes feel ashamed and slightly embarrassed. Because of this I sometimes suppress the need to dress, but the longer we are together the more comfortable I feel. Eventually I'd like to get to the point where I can dress about two times per week.

[I]Do you talk about your crossdressing activities or is it a complete “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?[I]

Yes we talk about it but the longer we are together the less it seems to be an issue. We're at the point where we've basically accepted that it's there and it's not going anywhere. We sometimes shop at thrift stores and she's cool with me buying a few girly things.

Do you feel guilty about your crossdressing activities, even though they’re not a secret; and if so, why?

Yes. As I stated in question #1, I do sometimes feel ashamed and embarrassed. I guess this stems from me feeling as though I should be the rough and tough masculine man at all times. When I'm wearing a dress it is so opposite of that. I think I feel that she might look at me when I'm in male mode and compare me to the "weak feminine Lacie." I know she doesn't do that and I can probably chalk that up to just me being paranoid.

What, if anything, has really changed – good or bad - by coming out of the closet to your wife?

It has brought us even closer and our trust with one another is the strongest it could be. Heaving no secrets is healthy in any relationship.

Do you feel like you are still in the closet?

Not with my wife. My best friend also knows and I'm perfectly content with only him and my wife knowing. As for everybody else I think I'll stay in the closet

[Alice B]

I dress as I please and usually out of her sight. My wife has become more accepting and open about my dressing, so there is some limited discussion and she will ask if I'm going out to "the club" (SRO in San Diego) on the weekend.

We receive a lot of catalogues and I will ask her about a clothing item I like for her opinion. Plus she does the laundry, including all my females clothes.

I used to feel guilty, but not any more and am not afraid to tell her when I want to dress. So I'm not in the closet to her or to a few special friends.

A lot has changed over the past two years. She is now fully accepting of my need to dress, to have my toe nails painted, a fully shaved body, wearing panties and making purchases of woman's clothing, shoes, etc. She is still somewhat uncomfortable seeing me dressed, but is also improving in this area. I can go out dressed and on these nights come to bed wearing a bra and my forms under my nightie with make up still on. I may even come to breakfast still wearing make up. She will lightly raze me about it, but that is all.

All of this has taken a few years to arrive at and the journey has been interesting. The key is to assure her I will do nothing to compromise her.