What we are or what we are not

[Sarah Doepner]

I was writing an email to someone to get a speaker for an upcoming meeting of our support group. When I finished reading it I realized that much of the note was attempting to define crossdressers by what we are not. We are not gay any more than the general population, we are not all drag queens, we are not pedophiles, we are not serial killers who wear the skin of our victims under a delicate lavendar cami, we are not . . . .

Is it possible to explain to a "civilian" in our society what a crossdresser is without spending all that time distancing ourselves from all the stereotypes that seem substitute for reality?

[kellycan27]

Do you feel the need to explain yourself? We are just people like everybody else. I let people judge me for myself. If someone wants to jump to a conclusion about me..shame on them, and their loss. I am sorry, but feeling the need to explain yourself in my opinion is like saying that you are doing something wrong and you feel the need to re-assure people that you are not.
Contrary to what a lot of people seem to think around here, it has been my experience that the majority of people don't care one way or another about us.They may be taken a back at first, but once they get to know a little about me, they are fine with it. Not everyone thinks that we are perverts and pedophiles. Sometimes I think the we are our own worst enemies. We don't need to have society keep us hidden, we do a great job of doing that on our own. All we really need to do is get out there and show people that we are NOT different then they are. Not everybody will accept us, but who cares about those few? Even a lot of the ones who can't accept us aren't going to do anything about it, and hey.. they are entitled to their opinion.

Kel

[AllieSF]

Kelly said it all for me. The only explanation that may be needed is that I, you or us are crossdressers, meaning that in varying degrees we like to wear women's clothing. Let them ask the questions and respond accordingly. I have had zero issues going out on a regular basis interacting with everyone. The problems, or maybe better stated, the perceived problems that others talk about and fear are really the rare situations and not the norm.

[Karen_Ski]

Sarah, the other gurls here have given you excellent advice as to what we are. Sadfly thre is still a large percentage of the population you have to start with "what we are not." Just tell them of yourself and what you are and how you feel about this aspect of your life. Good luck I know you will do us all proud.

[Ms Deidre]

Karen has given you some excellent advice here Sarah. You should also explain the difference between TG and TS. I am pre-op and have known for many of my 56 years that I was born the wrong gender. I love men but do not see myself as gay but rather a normal heterosexual female attracted to men. Maybe people like me complicate issues for those of you that are "just" TG but we are as much a part of the community as you.

One other point you might make is the reason crossdressers are seen as gay is the gay community was where we found acceptance years ago, far ahead of the mainstream population. The gay population knows of the rejection and the humiliation mainstream has tried to pile on them and transgendered people have felt the same persecution, that is one reason the TG community still closely identifies with the gay community. Come to think of it is called LBGT; Lesbain, Bi-sexual, Gay, and Transgendered.

As Kare said Good luck and do us proud!

[Roberta Young]

Sarah good post. let me apologize for society as they know not what their doing to us. luv Roberta

[erickka]

Great post, Sarah. I still believe that the general populus is afraid of their own shadows, let alone anyone or anything they may perceive as different. IMO, until people are able to open their minds and hearts, I feel that, unfortunately, we'll be explaining until the cows come home. I am to the point, that if someone pre judges me, you aren't someone I would like in my "circle". Take me as I am, a real person with real feelings and emotions, and we're all good.

[tamarav]

[SIZE=4]Oh this is so true.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]I work as a hair stylist, dressed, and meet many people daily. I don't offer them any explanation of anyting but I will answer their questions. I used to ry to explain what we are and where we fit into the strange category but no longer. People can just draw their own conclusions, make up their own stories and get on with thier lives because I certainly am.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]It really is funny to watch people once they realize what I am, they can get so wierd...[/SIZE]

[5150 Girl]

I think the best way to combat sterio types is to prove them wrong/
When I go out I just do normal every day things, in a normal every day manner. I know that's easy for me to say, as I kinda "blend in" for the most part, but I do get read on ocasion, and I guess I'm counting thoe few that do read me to tell others how otherwise normal that dude who looks like a lady they saw in WalMArt was...

[bobi jean]

each one of us is an individual. Unique in our own way perhaps, but not unlike everyone else on earth. crossdressing is not a reason (or cause) for us to become something we are not already.
cross dressing will not cause any one to, rob, kill, rape, or commit anyother crime, unless that person is going to, or willing to, do so in the first place.....
It is a shame that some assholes do use cross dressing to commit crimes, but cross dressing is not going to MAKE any of us do something we are not willing to do in the first place. IT IS A SHAME THE WORLD POPULATION (IN GENERAL) CAN'T BELIEVE OR UNDERSTAND THAT.......
Hell, most cross dressers are afraid to leave the closet, not to mention going outside, but maybe when we all stop hiding behind closed doors, or use the dark of night to go out, they will begin to understand a little better.
It is not a crime to be a cross dresser, nor is there any shame in being a cross dresser.
I AM WHAT I AM, because I want to be! how about you?

[VikkiVixen7188]

I just tell people that a crossdresser is a person who wears the opposite clothes of their given gender.

Thats what defines a crossdresser.... how did that become confusing?

[carolinoakland]

When I give presentations I describe a crossdresser as usually, but not allways, a heterosexual male who enjoys dressing in the clothing of the opposite gender, also confused witha transvestite which is the clinical defination of a usually heterosexual male who dresses in the clothes of the opposite gender for the purpose of physical gratification.

[suchacutie]

Let's see if I can make it short and sweet, but without labels (this is for MTF only):

We are ordinary men who have the need to express the femininity within us.

There could be other qualifiers such as:

Our expression of our feminine selves runs the gamut from casual to intense, and from private to public.

Actually, thinking about how to talk about who we are is rather fun!

tina

[mklinden2010]

I like the simple explanation:

"A crossdresser is someone, male or female, who dresses in..."

But, realistically I am coming to prefer something like:

"A crossdresser is someone, male or female, who dresses in clothing of the opposite sex for a variety of personal and practical reasons. They may find it fun, they may find it physically exciting, they may find it an escape - like some people like wearing masks at New Year's, and they may do this for all these and/or a lot of other reasons besides.

Bottom line, however, crossdressing is something that some people do enough to make it a significant, and thus defining, use of their time and interests. They still have jobs, families, and community activities, but this is something each person so defined fairly uniquely does - pretty much like anyone does anything for any reason.

Why play football? Why cook? Why go to dance clubs? Why read books? And, what do people call you when you play football, or, cook, or dance, or, read a lot? Labels tell you what someone does, but not everything about who they are..

Crossdressers, come in different stripes. Just as some people freshwater fish in lakes and others in rivers. And, some are saltwater fishers - which can be onshore, near shore, or, out to sea. There's crossdressing, and, then there's crossdressing...

If you take male and female crossdressers and line them up, you can't tell just by looking which crossdresser type you may have. Could be a fetish crossdresser, a TG person, a FTM crossdresser, someone making a fashion statement...

The thing they all have in common however, is that they are people. So treat them like anyone else and you'll find they're actually just like everyone else. Which, of course, they are, because when they aren't crossdressed you don't know any more or less about them than you know about anyone - until you get to know them as people.

[kellycan27]

Sarah, the other gurls here have given you excellent advice as to what we are. Sadfly thre is still a large percentage of the population you have to start with "what we are not." Just tell them of yourself and what you are and how you feel about this aspect of your life. Good luck I know you will do us all proud.

I am curious to see where this information about many or large ( or whatever adjective is used) percentages of the population or "society" is intolerant or against us? I just don't see it. I don't see it in my day to day interaction with the mainstream, nor do I see it in the posts where people have gone out in public. I don't see news stories or read about it in the newspapers. I don't hear about it from the cder's and transsexuals or transgendered people that I hang out with. I don't get it from my mainstream friends,co-workers, or clients. Oh sure, once in a while ther may be an incident, but the way that a lot of people describe it.. you'ed think that there was some kind of organized movement where tons of us were being rounded up and tortured or persecuted. Are there statistics or have the mainstream been polled? studies conducted? Can anyone direct me to where I might be able to see or read about this for myself? help!

Kel

[sherri52]

We are them only in the clothing of our opposite gender.

[Nigella]

Kelly

I don't believe that such information is available, or if it is it would be accurate. As you say, in day to day encounters I have had the odd "look" or comment, but no out right animosity directed towards me or my SO.

We are our own worst enemy because we put all the blockages in the way.

[sissystephanie]

I have been a Crossdresser for most of my 70 plus years! Since my wife, who alwys fixed my wig and did my makeup, passed away 5 years ago, I no longer go out trying to pass. Now I just dress feminine and go out as a man!

The odd thing is, that in all my years of Crossdressing I have never had any bad comments made that I could hear. I have had a lot of compliments about my clothes or shoes, but nothing bad. So, as has been asked before, who is it that makes these comments? In the last five years I have gone virtually everywhere dressed as a female, but looking like the man that I am! No bad comments or remarks from anyone!! If people do ask me why I dress like I do, I simply tell them that I do it because I like to! That is the truth! I dress simply because I like to, not for sex or any other reason!

[sterling12]

My question would be about The Speaker you are trying to entice. Would it make any difference to The Speaker? Would Your Group's Sexual Needs have anything to do with The Subject of The Talk?

If you can't answer "Yes," then it's unnecessary! And, If you COULD answer "Yes," then I would wonder about The Motives or Mindset of Your Speaker.

I don't think we need to go out of our way to explain "how straight we are." It tends to piss-off other people in The LGBT Community, and it's really no one's business what we are doing! Explaining that we aren't Pedophiles, nor all Drag Queens, seems to be kind of nutty. Would somebody from The Kiwanis Club be making statements like that? So, why do we need to do it?

People are slowly but surely learning whom we are, and what we are about. If we spend a lot of time screeching about how "heterosexual" we are, we certainly run The Risk of being in a situation where people will probably assume, "The Lady doth protest too much!"

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Rachel Morley]

I think you have a valid point. We often can be our own worst enemy by saying what we are not .... which then in turn (whether they were thinking it or not) kinda brings to the fore a tentative association of what we were trying to get away from - with me?

If I ever chose to try to explain how crossdressing is for me, I usually follow along similar lines to Eddie Izzard when he says it's "male tomboy" and "male lesbian" ... in the sense that I'm a guy who acts (sometimes looks) and likes things that are normally associated with what girls are usually all about.

Quote: "Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.” - Eddie Izzard

[Dalece]

You know ladies all your points are correct. Have them ask questions on who we are I'm really surprised at how born GG can see the woman in me that i was born in a wrong body. and those who critizie you fro who you are or what you wear, Ask a woman don't you crossdress your self you wear male clothes don't you. Look at some of those clothes some woman wear there male jeans t shirts and even boxer shorts. I hope you understand what i'm trying to say. I am very happy to be who mI am now and the more I find out about myself it is easier to slip on my panties, nylons and put the bra on and slip that dress over my head. yes I'm proud to br a gurl and a transgender. Sorry got me started will now stop.

[Annaliese2010]

Is it possible to explain to a "civilian" in our society what a crossdresser is without spending all that time distancing ourselves from all the stereotypes that seem substitute for reality?

Begin with the beginning. The outside reflects the inside, where it all starts. Briefly explain how there are some ppl who are born different from the majority who enjoy a sure and certain sense of being male OR female. Because as for any 'rule' there are exceptions, and so it is for gender identification. Some ppl who look mostly male by the attributes so clearly visible to others, i.e. how their bodies look, nevertheless have a sure and certain sense that they are more female than male relative to the normal societal definition of what is 'male' and 'female'. Explain that this is so by virtue of how they feel inside, that this is something you're born with, that it therefore runs to the core of one's being and so, one's inner mental/emotional states, as they manifest in a way that is spontaneous and natural for that person i.e. it is not contrived but simply is the natural way one thinks and feels, and thus, by extension, how one behaves, dresses, and in other ways expresses that which one is on the inside. Also...some males have a sure and certain sense that they are both male and female i.e. where there exists within one a much greater than average natural bias towards feminine attributes but that this does not overshadow or necessarily eclipse everything that is male in them. Thus such individuals have some mix of both genders blended inside them, and their challenge is to discover how to best express this in a way that is natural, even tho they do not so easily fall into either one or the other gender, but are a hybrid of both. This is more challenging from a dressing pov and forces one to get more inventive, and sort of define a look for oneself.

[eluuzion]

When I finished reading it I realized that much of the note was attempting to define crossdressers by what we are not.
Is it possible to explain to a "civilian" in our society what a crossdresser is without spending all that time distancing ourselves from all the stereotypes that seem substitute for reality?

Actually, using that "negative" approach is an effective technique for writing speeches, mission statements, etc. Whenever you get "stuck" or find you "can't start" or are "lost" as to topic and content, if you just turn it around and list the things you are not, or do not like, etc... What is left is what you ARE, or DO like. Well, that was interesting, but we are not writing novels here, eh?

So, whenever I am faced with "defining" myself or a group of people...

Defining myself= I don't represent anything definable, nor do I feel you can "define" a person. You simply make your own judgments based on my actions
and character.

Defining Crossdressers...Similar explanation. No two people are identical to the extent that they could be "defined" in any all encompassing manner. What is possible is to simply say they are a diverse group of people that share a common interest...crossdressing.

Best I can do...

[Stephenie S]

Originally Posted by Karen_Ski
Sarah, the other gurls here have given you excellent advice as to what we are. Sadfly thre is still a large percentage of the population you have to start with "what we are not." Just tell them of yourself and what you are and how you feel about this aspect of your life. Good luck I know you will do us all proud.

Kelly wrote:

I am curious to see where this information about many or large ( or whatever adjective is used) percentages of the population or "society" is intolerant or against us? I just don't see it. I don't see it in my day to day interaction with the mainstream, nor do I see it in the posts where people have gone out in public. I don't see news stories or read about it in the newspapers. I don't hear about it from the cder's and transsexuals or transgendered people that I hang out with. I don't get it from my mainstream friends,co-workers, or clients. Oh sure, once in a while ther may be an incident, but the way that a lot of people describe it.. you'ed think that there was some kind of organized movement where tons of us were being rounded up and tortured or persecuted. Are there statistics or have the mainstream been polled? studies conducted? Can anyone direct me to where I might be able to see or read about this for myself? help!

Kelly is absolutely correct here. This information is hard to find because it doesn't exist. There is no data supporting the theory that most of the world hates crossdressers because most of the world DOESN'T hate crossdressers.

The FACT is that 99.9% of the people in the world don't give one sweet flying patootie WHAT you wear. They are FAR too wrapped up in their own problems and concerns to devote more than a passing glance your way. Those who have actually gone out all know this. Those still closeted DON'T, obviously.

Look girls, by now, EVERYONE has seen Oprah. Everyone knows about crossdressers. And guess what? People who WORK with the public see crossdressers often. As hard as it may be for some of you to imagine, you are NOT the only crossdresser in the world. Crossdressers are EVERYWHERE. Crossdressers go to the store, they go to the gas station, they go to the bank, they go to church, they go to the movies, and they ride the bus and fly in airplanes. Anyone who works with the public has seen and dealt with crossdressers in the course of their job. You won't be the first and you won't be the last.

Get with the program guys! NOBODY CARES! You are just not that important. Get over yourself. Rob a bank, and maybe you will attract some attention. But drive to the convenience store in a wig? NOBODY CARES!

Auntie Stephenie

[Sarah Doepner]

Thanks all for the great and thoughtful responses.

I made the post partly because I had just realized how much I was responding to questions that were not posed by the potential speaker, but have been lingering in the back of my own mind. The speaker is very familiar with the GLBT community, but didn't seem to have a clue about where crossdressers fit in or what Tri-Ess was. It kind of blew my mind, so off I went attempting to provide the background needed before they show up with an something like an HIV awareness talk that wouldn't meet our needs at all. It seems the stereotypes in popular media that tend to be exaggerated or totally wrong get the play, not good examples like Kelly or Tamara or so many other girls on this site.

And you are right about people not really caring if it doesn't directly effect them. We have many more stories about girls going out without incidents than stories where there were problems. Has anyone ever counted the stories and compared Column A with Column B?

Finally, I saw my own need to begin defining myself in a positive framework. I've spent too many years letting fear, stereotypes and misinformation take the lead. I guess it should be obvious that being myself and honestly answering the questions only when they come up, rather than projecting my fears, will be much more positive for me and other Crossdressers. And if no one asks a question I'm just fine with that.