Maybe telling my mother

[DiannaRose]

This is a tough one for me. I'm trying to figure out if (and how) I should tell my mother about me.

Here's the skinny: My wife and I are separated (mostly). This is a bigger deal than it sounds because, of my four brothers' and mine, my marriage has been the most stable and therefore seen as the "happiest" of the lot. My mother has expressed on several occasions how pleased she is by that.

So we don't want to lie to her and tell her things are still all hunky-dory when they're not. (As an aside, my wife and I are still living together for the kids' sakes, and we're still best friends. We're just not "together".)

But--and here's the clincher--my mother's going to want to know why, and again, I don't want to lie to her, either directly or by omission.

Now, before you all jump on me and tell me I shouldn't reveal my secret to my mother, to protect her from painful news, and the like, let me say that I don't think she's going to be entirely surprised if I tell her.

Back when I was in college, she cleaned my room and found my small stash of clothes. Most came from bags of her old things. Not a lot, but enough. Neither of my parents confronted me or even talked with me about it.

No, that's not entirely true. My dad and I did have a conversation, the next weekend when he came to school to bring me home for the weekend. That conversation went like this:

He: "Your mother cleaned your room."
Me: "Uh-huh."

...that's it. At the time, neither of us were willing to expand on those few words. It's actually been bothering me for the last 25 years or so--that they never brought it up, never gave me an opportunity to talk about it, which just reinforced my need to keep it buried down until, two decades later, it came out at the absolute worst time it could have.

I don't blame them...it was what it was. But I do need to close that particular open issue, one way or another.

My therapist and I will be talking about it before we go visit my mother, so I'll be getting her (my therapist's) input first. I'm feeling a little anxious about the trip to mom's because of this. Guess I'm just looking for a little advice and encouragement.

As another aside, I am NOT planning on telling my dad yet. He is a lot more rigid in his thoughts and a lot less "giving" with his emotions. That's a whole other battle. This one is enough for me for now.

[sissystephanie]

Dianna, as an older(77) CD I am going to give you some advice. I told my late wife before we married, and we had almost 50 happy years together. I couldn't tell my parents because they died when I was a very young lad. An Aunt and Uncle raised my sister and I and they never did know. I believe that was a big error on my part!

I think you should tell your mother, and let her know everything about your situation. You did not say whether the CD activites are a problem with your wife, or if it is something else. My guess is that it is the CD'ing. I do commend you for staying together for the children! That counts for a lot, in my opinion!

Do remember, your Mom may tell your Dad even if you don't! Moms and Dads do tell each other lots of stuff!! Good Luck with whatever you do!

[mklinden2010]

What's your crossdressing got to do with anything in all this?

If you want to tell Mom your marriage is having a rough patch, fine.

But, if the CDing has little or nothing to do with the problems, what's the big deal?

You may be concerned that her hearing of it later may may strike her as a "secret" that undid things and she may not like not having had that fact in hand.

Still, this has been going on while you had the "model marriage" - one assumes.

So, other than telling her so that she DOESN'T mistakenly put to much into CDing as a reason for anything, I suppose it's up to you if your bring it up at all.

My Mom, by the way, thought it was kind of cool that I had a "life" and had no problem at all with my wife going along with it.

"Good couples make room for things."

PS

Oh, I see from your other posts that this may be a case of your wife going one way (towards someone else) and you going another.

Well, OK, if you think things might work out like that then you might want to bring it up so it's not such a big deal down the road. It's not an unkind thing to do.

And, the kids... Keep a good relationship with their Mom, no matter what, and you'll be a hero.

Good luck.

[Lorileah]

OK, Dianna you where I stand on this. It is a bigger problem to keep it a secret because if and when (and you know it will) it comes out the repercussions of telling a lie or living a lie are a lot bigger than owning up to it. I understand that some people are scared for whatever reason to tell anyone. That is mostly in internal problem with who they are and how they perceive the world "should" view them. These are the same people who go around all "woe is me...no one understands me." yet they sit here and say keep mum.

If the conversation leans to why, speak up. The trouble with not telling the truth is you have to remember what you said as a cover. It can get complicated. Then later if someone else's story does not match yours you will have to make story 3. Get what I am saying? If it doesn't come up in conversation you won't have to bring it up.

Of course there are some here who will tell you to say you are a serial killer instead of telling the truth.

It isn't a bad or illegal thing to wear clothing. It is who you are and mom's love you no matter who you are...barring the serial killer or being a writer thing

[Stephanie Miller]

I differ in my thought pattern from the others a little. O.K., maybe a lot.
My wife and I have been married for over 30 years. (Yes she knows Stephanie)(You like how I used the third person there? Kind of like I wasn't really me )
Back to what I was getting at - after 30 years I still feel it is none of my parents business about any of my wifes and my rough patches. They use to ask (out of concern maybe or just curious) about those patches but I would just say I would rather keep those private. For my wife and I to deal with.
No lie. No omission. No cover. Just none of thier business. Nore did it become any of thier burden to carry as well.

[DiannaRose]

Thanks Ladies!

As I said, it's not an easy one for me. I've thought of telling her "we're just going through some things and we'd like to keep it private", but that feels wrong to do. If we were less close to my mother, maybe, but as close as we are it would still feel like lying.

My usual plan of action is to leave the "why" answers until I am asked, but you can't hear that your son's "perfect" marriage is on the rocks and not ask "why", so I know it's going to come up. And to be honest, I feel (strongly) that I'm supposed to tell her.

I'll keep you all posted, for sure.

...It is who you are and mom's love you no matter who you are...barring the serial killer or being a writer thing

"Mom, I'm a crossdressing serial killer. What? You love me anyway? Awww...you're the best, Ma! By the way, I'm writing a book. What? Leave the house? But you just-- Ow! Stop pushing, Ma! Ma, put down the baseball bat, Ma! Ow! Hey! Okay, I'm going! Ow!!!"

[AKAMichelle]

I can definitely relate here. My wife and I are getting a divorce. I have never told my parents even though they have caught me crossdressed more than once. I have thought about telling my mom, but I expect her to act much like my wife. Ashamed and ignore it. So I have never told her.

But like Lorileah I think you should tell her if the occasion presents itself. I have started telling others because I am tired of living a lie. Everytime we tell them something wilder to cover up our cd'ing, we just makes things worse for ourselves.

[eileendover]

after 30 years I still feel it is none of my parents business about any of my wifes and my rough patches.

Any issues between my wife and I are nobody elses business, including parents. We both feel that sharing those issues is violating a trust between the two of us, and we'd only share such personal information if we both agreed that it was OK. Otherwise, it feels a bit like one partner is tattling on the other.

Personally, I would certainly not offer up to my parents the fact that we may be having problems, and if asked like "so how are you two doing?", I'd simply say "doing fine, mom."
my

[Gillian]

Since the turmoil in our lives I have sat and thought about telling my mother as well and feel I want to share this with her but I too am incredcibly concerned by her reaction as she did find a small stash of mine when I was about 15, and like you it was removed and apart from a small "I cleaned up things for you" comment it was never raised.

I think mothers in general are more accepting of such things if yours is anything like mine, you should be fine, however this is a monster step and once hte Genie is out that bottle,,,,,,,,,

I look forward to hearing how things develop with this one.

[Rianna Humble]

In the end it i up to your conscience, Chicklet, whether you tell your mum or not. From what you say, you and she are very close so you should be able to judge whether it is the right time to tell her.

Sometimes we can be surprised by our parents' attitudes - as you know I didn't expect my 88 year-old dad to take it at all well and I couldn't have been more wrong!

It isn't a bad or illegal thing to wear clothing. It is who you are and mom's love you no matter who you are...barring the serial killer or being a writer thing

Lori's quite right, your mum will still love you even if you are a sci-fi fan

At least you will be able to discuss this with your therapist and my thoughts will be with you.

[Jonianne]

.....my marriage has been the most stable and therefore seen as the "happiest" of the lot. My mother has expressed on several occasions how pleased she is by that......

Dianna, you havn't mentioned whether or not the crossdressing is a major factor in your in-house "separation". If it is, then I wouldn't expect that your mother would be giving you much support, as far as your crossdressing goes, especially since she sees your marriage as being the most stable. I would imagine she will probably suggest ways on how you ought to try to get "cured". You know your mother, is this the likely scenario? If it is, I don't know that it would be the best thing to put her in the loop at this time, if it is her support you need.

On the other hand, I am against keeping secrets from the ones most important in our lives and the truth will always make it to the light. Eventually she will find out. Just be aware of what may be on the road ahead.

[Sally24]

I've told a number of people in the family, but not my mother. My reasoning is.....back in my youth, she was the only one that knew "something" was going on. She found my sisters clothes in my room, pinned up so they fit me. I figure that if she didn't want to discuss it then, she doesn't deserve to be part of it now. Just my take on it.

Your feelings about the whole situation are probably totally different from mine. Good luck with it!

[Freddy12]

Dianna,

I wish I could advise you, but I just don't have the wisdom it takes. You are the best one to assess the plusses and minuses.

Perhaps saying just a little, like "We're breaking up because we are growing apart and seem to fight over things. It's really painful and hurtful for me to go into it, so please can we leave it at that?" could work if you decide to go that route.

It's obviously up to you, but realize that you have and will continue to have the support of all your friends here.

[msniki48]

Dianne,

If you want to tell your mom, i hope it is because you want her support, and as your mom you feel you can share anything with her...at least thats why i told my mom. the other side of the coin is that she is of another generation, and to her, unfortunately, it was more about being embarrased by her friends possibly knowing [i was thinking about transition] more than i was down and depressed with my current possition. we both cried, i took 2 steps backward, she knows, but doesn't talk about it. you know your mom better than anyone, talk to your therapist, and decide, also, i don't know if your dressing to present as a woman or not, but explaining transgenderism, might help, so she understands it is not a fetish for you, but real life.

think hard girl, you will find the right answer...don't get guilted into the wrong move

[DiannaRose]

Thank you all, deeply, for your input. I know my situation is different from everyone else's and I can only do what I feel is right, but having your feedback and your stories really helps.

I will definitely keep you all posted!

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I am going to play devils advocate here on the other part of your post. I don't think it's true that your parents never gave you the opportunity to talk about it. Your dad brought it up and you said uh huh. It really sounds like both of you were waiting for the other to talk about it. You also both assumed that the others silence meant that he didn't want to discuss it. It could very well be that for all these years your parents have decided to let you come to them about it when you felt ready rather than confront you with it.

[DiannaRose]

It could very well be that for all these years your parents have decided to let you come to them about it when you felt ready rather than confront you with it.

It could be, Ryan. I know I was confused and scared by the feelings I was having at the time, but talking about feelings was not generally an option with either of us. I'm projecting back through the years wishing *they* would have broached the subject then, because I didn't know how to and it would have saved me a lot of anguish through the intervening years. But it is what it was.

If nothing else, it's taught me how important it is to help your kids learn how to express themselves.

[mklinden2010]

RD,

I admire how you are weighing the responses as you make your own call.

Two things I'd like to note...

First, parents lose, and know they lose, power as their children become adults. But, it's part of the "fair trade" for having children/having parents. Children have to take up that power and begin interacting "adult to adult" until the power is equal or both sides or the generational process ultimately fails - the child doesn't become truly independent, and, it's the parents' fault. If you, the child, doesn't live their own life, the parents wind up with MORE worry about their kids than they probably need or want - and there is not much they can do about anything since their kids are now "legal adults" married, with kids, with jobs, with mortgages... Mum's the word - at a basic minimum - to keep the peace. Meanwhile, you, as an adult, can signal your own mind and intentions fairly easily - a word here, an opinion there, a bumper sticker on your car... They take the direction for what it is and steer a new course with you. If parents oppose their adult children too much, the repercussions for them are pretty harsh and their ability to manage anything further erodes. Win the battle, lose the war. Not smart.

Second, based in past experience the CDing/other guy thing may be a "half-loaf" dynamic for both you and your wife. Be careful about that. It may be "better" that she goes her way and you go yours but neither of you may really want to do what you're doing, how you're doing it. She may wind up going for a new deal when she'd rather have the deal she had/could have. You may wind up doing more than you intended in your direction and further away from what you wanted while you both think, "It's the best we could do," or, "It's for the best." Maybe not. It may be no more than "coping" with the pain of the present. That may be fine. But, these choices, these half-a-loaf solutions, will build in their own set of problems to deal with... Probably for many years down the road. I hope you both can work it out and stay together, but whatever you wind up doing, work it out as fully as you can so it makes sense years from now too.

Good for you for hearing all sides and proceeding carefully.

Good luck.

PS

A third thing... Finding new friends and new support for you CDing may exceed your previous wildest dreams. But, it's like being a first-time sports fan or opera fan. It may be fun and exciting to find a gang or a group to hang out with and do some things with, but the thrill wears off. Especially when you realize that the new friends and new venues have their own problems and you have to buy tickets, t-shirts, and drinks constantly - while other things in your life don't get done. Nights out can't support you and "good time friends" are just that and not much more. No one's fault that there's more light than warmth in some things, but be careful about "sustainable" activities versus "new, fun, and, different."

You and your wife seem like good folks. You're certainly trying to tackle things together - which is a sign of a good couple.... Good luck to you all.