For the Under 25ish group ONLY: MtF, FtM, and their SOs.

[ReineD]

Some of the FABs are wondering if the younger generation feels as reluctant to tell potential partners about the CDing, (or if you are or think you are TS - revealing the full extent of it as well), as did your counterparts in prior generations who did not have the advantage of the internet to let them know they were not alone.

And, if you do feel freer to tell a potential partner, does this also extend to feelings of being better accepted in the mainstream? By your peers? By people of all ages?

As far as you can tell, have things changed or are they pretty much the same?

Thanks for your responses!

[Schatten Lupus]

I kinda hesitated before I told my fiance (she was just my gf then). I knew she wouldn't be a bitch about it, as her mom done very well in raising her daughter to be understanding and accepting of others. But I didn't know if she would want to stay with me or not. She told me she wasn't sure if she would be able to handle it once I started to transition, but she would try. Found out later though that her mom has dated a few crossdressers, and I'd have to say the whole thing has made those two closer, and it also kinda jump started my relation with my future mother-in-law. She has even said that I am just as much of a daughter to her as her own daughter.
From thier, my fiance told a few friends who she knew would be ok with it. One of the girls she told has an uncle who is a crossdresser, and another is just all round a very good girl, and has accepted me as one of the girls. I was rather shocked, appauled, speechless, puzzled, and confuzed during and after the first time I got to sit in on actual girl talk.
As far as family goes, my sister I'm fairly sure she will be ok when I tell her she ended up getting the little sister she wanted. My dad I have no idea how he will take it, and I probably never know because he keeps his feelings and emotions tightly sealed up. My mom will probably have a bad initial reaction, but will warm up to it. My brother, should we ever get back on talking terms, will take it very bad. He is probably going to be in prison though (fifth pot possession charge) at least until I go full time, so I guess comming out to him will just depend on the circumstances.

[Ze]

I'm mainly speaking hypothetically, but I feel "freer" than I think the older generations would when coming out to a potential partner. Of course, I'd have to feel them out first to see if they were a safe person to tell. Not to say there still wouldn't be a significant amount of stress and pressure, too.

For family, hell no. The area I currently live in and the family I was born into is...risky to tell. So I won't be doing so until I'm geographically far away from them. Then if they disown me or want to kill me in the name of God, I'll be roughly six hours away from them.

When it comes to general friends and stuff, however, I think people need to be wary of how "friendly" the younger generation comes off. Although I'm sure there are many more accepting people than the other generations, my generation also seems to consider transpeople and gender bending to be trendy. And just like the current environment trend society is going through, I worry what will happen when it loses its sparkle and we're found to be just as boring as everybody else.

Basically, having a trans friend can be considered hip. You become their trophy. It's not the best feeling in the world.

[Midnight Skye]

I was still terrified beyond rational thought of telling my perspective wife. Despite the better acceptance society was gaining (at the time). I still was unable to face the reality that I was transgendered. My perception was, that when I married a woman I would be fulfilled and all of these feelings would go away.

Reality is... I was so afraid of being transgendered that I didn't look up anything on the internet. Not once until I was ~23 and realized marrying my wife didn't fix anything. It was at that point I did frantic research online and started actually reading what I always new was true... but couldn't face.

From there though... coming out and finding myself has been easier than living with the mess all those years. The wealth of online information and societies higher acceptance make coming out a less frightening process (than it would have been, say 10 years ago).

And at least where I live at. Acceptance has been fantastic. I can only assume its because the older generation has paved the road. There are more transgender folk in real jobs, there's a transgendered woman on Obama's administrative board! And TV... while not the best portrayal of transgender folk... at least we exist on TV now. CSI in particular has bounced across transgender plots a few times... mostly because we have a set of unique problems and circumstances which regular folk don't have to deal with.

All in all... at 16-18 in the tiny town I lived in. I couldn't even muster the courage to come out or admit what I was. Now I look back and wonder why... and I realize even something like this forum "was created in February 2004" It didn't exist. Things have changed for the better... both inside and outside the internet.

Still I feel for those who can't blend... many members of our society hate anyone who is different. And even family is willing to throw some of us out on the street. While things are better... things still aren't fair (EDNA still hasn't passed). Job quality is much worse for us unless you're one of the lucky few who sits on a company that has written acceptance. We still have a long way to go.

It should be noted... I'm still not completely full time... so there are some pains I still have to experience.

[Elsa von Spielburg]

Yeah, I think it's an advantage of the time we live in (and also, of course depending on the people you associate yourself with), but I'm out to my GF of 2 yrs and both my brothers (18 and 23). My relationship has either not changed or gotten stronger, so there was nothing to the negative in telling them. But still, this is because I trust these people and know them SO well. Other people of my generation, some of my classmates, for example, I know would be downright awful about it. So, I dunno if it's a societal thing or I just got really lucky.

[Erica S]

My fiance doesn't know. And since - for unconventional circumstances - we live far away from each other at the moment, it might take months without seeing or meeting.

This time I use for CDing. But about coming out for her~ might not be an issue, I guess. I think she would accept it, but as I'm personally being torn apart by the sole sexual dressing <-> everyday life dressing -thing, I just can't (at least yet) bring myself out to tell her that.

So this goes very well with the questions about being accepted - I cannot be accepted if I don't accept myself in the first place.
And I have changed from what I was, say, few years back when I didn't even dream about CDing.

[<3 Keri Lynn <3]

I would say at first I told myself I wasn't going to tell anyone cause it was "socially wrong" but now after finding out so much more. I don't want to tell anyone for the reason to make them feel uneasy if they were not accepting but they aren't going to go so far as to throw stones, like I know for a fact my family would be accepting 100% but I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I did tell my sister which she is fine with but I still feel uncomfortable when I dress around here so I stopped doing it. Now if she sees me she'll just smile and keep going

I think things have changed and are still changing, Transgender TV shows (TRANSform Me) have been popping up also there was a Transwoman on House a few weeks ago and nobody really made a big deal out of it, House got her to mess with Wilson and his Ex-Wife.

I'm not a religious but, God Bless the Internet or Bless Al Gore

[angelfire]

I think that generally, younger people are more accepting today, but it is not a hard & fast rule. There are still plenty of people who aren't accepting.

I am single, so I can't say for sure yet, but for me, I have already decided I need to tell whoever I intend to be with about it before we get too involved. I don't want to make the same mistake many have about lying about it for years and hiding and worrying. I don't want to eventually come out and then have all the troubles that many of the older members have been through with telling an SO after many years of marriage. Some are accepting and fantastic, but many are less than accepting, and feel they were lied to. I simply feel it isn't an option to hide it like that.

Is it going to be easy for me? I doubt it, but its something that I will have to do when the time comes.

[WalT]

Well, my girlfriend happens to know I'm FtM, considering the only time I feel comfortable in guymode is around her and we've known each other for almost seven years.

The one other person I told, well, responded pretty negatively (been over this a thousand times, don't want to keep on repeating myself over what that jerk did to me). I told him before we got serious, but apparently even then isn't good enough with some people.

I've yet to tell my parents but to be honest, I think they've been expecting it for years. During puberty I think my parents breathed a sigh of relief when I started dating (dated guys during high school; didn't know any girls that were actually bi or gay, and the one girl I had a huge crush rejected me big time ._.; of course, they don't know I'm pansexual and honestly I don't feel that's their business).

I'm facing the inevitability that they will notice. I'm hoping my parents will take it well; I've done remarkably well in school, and I'm the first one in my family to go to college.

I haven't told any "friends" because I do not have many and do not feel like alienating them. It's a shitty cycle; I don't have many friends because I'm not out but I kinda don't want to come out since I don't have a big of a support system as I want.

[SummerJ]

I am of the opinion that one should tell their significant other pretty soon. I've been in 2 relationships ever, 2 years each and I told both of them and it really didn't affect our relationships that drastically. Really, honesty is the best policy, if you don't have any secrets, then you are usually a lot happier.

In all honesty, if I came out to a girlfriend and she rejected me, it would be for the best since crossdressing is part of who I am. But that hasn't really been a problem for me.

[angelfire]

In all honesty, if I came out to a girlfriend and she rejected me, it would be for the best since crossdressing is part of who I am. But that hasn't really been a problem for me.

Exactly, well said.

[Lauren KS]

I originally told my wife, while we were still dating, about my experiences when I was a pre-teenager. T also told her that sometimes I was still interested, and at some point bought some clothes. She is fine with it, and it is important to me for my wife to know and accept my crossdressing. However, for me it is private, and I have told no one else and wouldn't want others to know.

[Kokoro]

Aside from all the nerves that went with it, I recall coming out to my girlfriend was a rather smooth affair. It was something I'd contemplated for quite a while. She accepted it, but didn't really like it (thought it eventually came back to bite me when we broke up but that's another story).

I felt a lot more comfortable once the truth was out and managed to come out to a handful of other people after that. It gave me some more confidence, but I've never really wanted to go all out, to become accepted by society as a whole. My 'peers' didn't really think much of it and was another thing to taunt me on. (age group at the time was 14-16 year olds for ref).

From my experiences, I came to realise that what it is I do is strictly private, that I do for myself, and there is no real need to tell others. You could say I've retreated back into the closet since then, but I've enlarged it so to speak and no long feel confined, nor have the wish to step out.

[Aeva]

Well, I've found with three relationships; in one I was with the girl for almost two years but never said anything, and it ate me up the entire time.

The more recent two, I just told them right away at that point where you have a sense of how trustworthy the other is, but still before you've figured each other out right away. In both of these cases, the candid honesty was appreciated, and it never became an issue.

Moving away from romantic partners; I've told most of my close friends about my trans side, and the response has largely been the same (positive); it can be frustrating when it never comes up again in conversation, but then again, I don't really have conversations on how cisgendered one of my friends is either =)

I've come out to my mom, but not my dad; she had this mortified look when I first told her, but she calmed down a lot after I clarified a lot of things.


I think times are changing for the better. I don't think any of the people I've mentioned in this post think I'm sick, or some kind of pervert. I have not damaged any relationships yet by telling someone I'm a transsomethingornother.


Now, on the other hand, I am still very much in the closet, because I've been in denial about the whole thing for like the past 5 or so years; and I've established one sort of identity here at my school, and so it would be sort of a big deal if I suddenly decided to be out in the open. But I will be leaving here soon, so it matters very little. This is also a fairly rural school, and so it isn't as progressive as it could be. But the world is changing, and even places like my school are too, just a bit slower.

I think with coming out, you need to have the support from your friends before you just start to roll with it, otherwise you'll start sounding like Ze. Cisgendered people ARE capable of respecting you as a human being, as the are also capable (with some effort) to wrapping their mind around a fair definition of transwhatever. I think taking the time to build meaningful relationships is important, as is it to sit down and help those people understand you. They're not going to leave you once you start flying loose and free, haha. Or if they do, then you're bad at picking friends. I think if you start introducing yourself as "I'm a transsexual. Btw, my name is so and so" to complete strangers; yes, you are going to be very sensational and trendy.

But, in the world I see, I see one in which the overall beliefs on sexuality and gender has shifted dramatically over time, and that it is diverse and always broadening.

I'm kind of rambling now, but one thing I think is interesting is that the change I see in our culture has a lot to do with how interpersonal relationships have changed over time. I think we've come from making a few but very strong formal interpersonal relationships (baby boomers); to where we have the Millenniums: forming lots of informal interpersonal relationships, many of which are very strong and deep relationships, but many are also very superficial relationships and on the surface may look similar to an outsider. This isn't a sudden thing, either, but was a smooth transition over time ("gen x" has a lot in common with both), and from what I can see in younger kids (10 - 18 years), that this pattern is continuing. I think this is very significant, that the way society interacts with transpeople is dramatically effected by the way society interacts with anyone else. But any of this is only meaningful if you can avoid stereotyping an entire generation of people as being vain or trendy or the death of culture.

[MentalMercury]

I'm very open about being a part-time crossdresser. If I didn't have the internet, it would come up in conversation soon enough, but with it, anyone can just see on my facebook about it.

[Picklebob]

Back around three years ago when I first started dating my girlfriend, I was most certainly wary of telling her. I hadn't even begun to come out at the time and still kind of thought that what I was doing was wrong. Last spring, I took a class at my university on sexuality and kind of simultaneously found this site. I also ended up writing a paper for my class on crossdressers. Through all of this I eventually managed to come up with the courage to tell my girlfriend, and it went well. I would say that there has been no significant change in our relationship.

During the past year, I have realized that I fall more between genders instead of just being a crossdresser. I started to make use of the counseling service at my university and I have come out to around 10 people total, and I don't think it has changed any of my friendships. I also told my Mom, but that was when I was in the car on the way back to college after a weekend at home, so she didn't really get the chance to ask me many questions. I'll probably bring it up again once I'm home for the summer, just so she can ask any questions she needs to.

I'm kind of out to the world at large so I can also describe the reactions of people I don't know. My gender identity moves between genders, and I like to dress how I feel on any given day. One of the things I do when I feel more between genders is pair a nice guys button down shirt with a pair of girls jeans and a nice jacket. When I do this, I attract a bit of attention. Some of it is because people are confused and don't know what to think of me. Once or twice I have had people fail to disguise their laughter. Most of the time though, I haven't noticed any reaction at all.

[Thornton]

When it comes to partners, I live full-time as male but I don't pass 100% yet, so I think they'd know something was up before I even got the chance to say it. But later on when T has had time to take effect, I'd tell a potential partner early on in the relationship. With a little reluctance, but not all too much.

If the internet were not around, I'd still go thru with being myself, coming out when I did, taking the steps that I did. I love the support of knowing I'm not alone, but I still would've done this even if I thought I was the only one in the world. The only difference is that the internet has sped up my transition. I was able to easily find educational resources and people (doctors, therapists) I should go see thru the help of google. I probably wouldn't be on T now if I couldn't find information as fast as I can thru the web.

Do I feel more accepted by the mainstream? No, still feel like people still get their depictions of CDers and Transpeople from Jerry Springer, South Park, porn, etc. Hopefully, I'm wrong. Do I feel more accepted by my peers? Yeah. I guess. If they don't like me, they don't talk to me, and I don't care. People of all ages? I don't really feel like it's a matter of age, so much as it's a matter of location. Would a 40 year old accept me in New England? Probably. Would a 14 year old accept me in Texas? I doubt that.

And yeah, there you go.

[girlygirl152]

Unfortunatley, I still have not gained the courage to talk to my gf about it. I love her more than anything and i dont want to risk losing her so I just neglect it and only do it privatley.

[Schatten Lupus]

I am of the opinion that one should tell their significant other pretty soon.

That is how I feel. I put off comming out to my girlfriend for about a month because her birthday was about a month away from when I decided that I couldn't go on pretending to be who I'm not. I waited a couple weeks after her birthday, but ultimately I knew it would be better to tell her sooner than later since I figured the longer I waited the worse the situation could potentially be. It was just a couple months before our one year mark when I told her.

[charline4994]

Since I don't have a girlfriend I can't really say anything about a romantic relationship but I've told almost everyone I know and I would say that it is easier now rather than in the 70's. I remember commercials from the 50's (youtube) that was warning young people of the gay man who's sole purpose was to turn everyone else gay. Modern society is better but there is a lot of hate left and it is still hard to tell people. That all said I still think telling the people around you is the best policy

[Pink Pillow]

I would have to agree with Thornton's examples, add some factors.

All I can say, tho, is that it was amazing to finally tell my girlfriend that I do! I've needed someone I could confide in from time to time about my urges to go en femme. Now, I feel like I can truly BE my fem side because I have someone I can fully trust, and hold hands with sometimes, beside me. Best of all, she's my size.

I can't tell anymore how anyone will take what! I opened first (on purpose anyway) to an ex, who I thought would have been perfect. She's bisexual and is pretty outgoing, two good reasons I thought to try and open up. Figured she'd be accepting. Wrong! She took it very stand offish and made me feel like I ran over her cat or something for telling her.

With what I know now, I think I could tell a new(heaven forbid) significant other about my fem side... I don't think I could ever open up to any of my male friends though. And after how my ex reacted, I'll be reluctant to tell my other GG friends too.

[Naomi Rayne]

I have told my girlfriend of 2 years and a really good friend of mine. Although my girlfriend is having a very hard time accepting she is trying her best and plans to be able to fully accept this and allow me to have some fun with it. My friend accepted it right away and smile and said to me "So when can we go shopping?" i think in todays day and age its much easier to come out to people and bring them into your life.

[ReineD]

Thanks to all the young 'uns () for participating. It's just so refreshing to get your input! It looks as if the world has changed, even if just a bit. Keep your thoughts flowing!

Oh ... and any under 25ish SOs are also welcomed to share their views.

[sarahgk]

As I'm a reservist in the military, I can't really be out about my transgenderedness and I'm kinda in Aeva's boat where I've made a male identity for myself in school and being here in Missouri its just a little more conservative.. I have a lot of trans friends but do to connotations from telling people I'm in the military they seem to think that having a femme side would be far off.. I've even tried subtly mentioning it a few times and my friends act as if I'm only joking as they couldn't fathom it from me. I even told my girlfriend that I was confused about gender and she seemed all right with it but whenever I am femmenine around her or just mention wanting to do something girly she gives me the "no, you're a boy" kind of reaction but she seems to completely accept all the outed trans people as their true gender.. I dunno it seems if you aren't openly gay or at least metrosexual in your male identity then you can't be transgendered in the minds of those I am around, though the same isn't true for the FTMs, they have a LOT more acceptance.. I can't wait until this enlistment is over so I can actually move towards being more me, though if DADT is removed with safety provisions for transpeople then I would love to stay in as I love the job and the community, just hate that I can't be open about myself. And as I'm reliant on the military to pay for school I'll just have to wait until then.. I guess for those that transition earlier my generation is more accepting but at least where I live it is still a conservative world.

That's my ramble.

[Naomi Rayne]

Some of the FABs are wondering if the younger generation feels as reluctant to tell potential partners about the CDing, (or if you are or think you are TS - revealing the full extent of it as well), as did your counterparts in prior generations who did not have the advantage of the internet to let them know they were not alone.

And, if you do feel freer to tell a potential partner, does this also extend to feelings of being better accepted in the mainstream? By your peers? By people of all ages?

As far as you can tell, have things changed or are they pretty much the same?

Thanks for your responses!

I had no problem telling my partner. I just wanted to make sure she was the right person to tell before i made a mistake. There was no pressure and i felt perfectly fine telling her. I have also told a GG friend of mine and she thinks its great. Being a CDer i can only speak for myself but as far as my experiences go i have found it very easy to tell my girlfriend and GG friend, but in no way shape or form have any desire to tell my male friends because i do not wanna be looked down upon. This is something i feel horrible about because part of CDing is about blurring societies gender "rules", but i feel like my male friends would be much less willing to accept me. So things are better, but not much better.