How do i reassure my wife that i do not want to be a full time woman?

[DonniDarkness]

As ive said before i am open with cding to my wife...over the years i have purged and denied my fem side in cycles....at the last cycle i decided it was really making me unhappy to suppress these urges and is affecting my life in a worse way than just being a transvestite. Weve talked many times about it and she has supported my experimentation over the years

This morning she sat down next to me and layed down some questions and i only had partial answers if any at all.
Now her honest and completely understandable questions have stirred my self esteem issues

I dont want to ask them here for her (Aside from my title question) as i am trying to get her to join the site, so she can have her own account for support.
During our discussion i had re-mentioned to her that there was a Spouse and loved ones section for support but she said she feels that she is invading my privacy and support. Also said that she would just get answers like "we need to communicate" and we already communicate. She has the same fears as other members here and i want her to realize that crossdressing is not my "Gateway to Womanhood"

I also want to add that our whole discussion this morning was a very difficult one and she put alot of effort and thought into not hurting my feelings

I could use some help

[Katesback]

Well a lot of CDs actually are TS.

On the other hand a lot of CDs are not TS. All the more reason for your wife to wonder. How can you concretely say you are nothing more than a CD?

Perhaps one answer might be to say that you are quite comfortable as a man who occasionally presents as a female. Nothing more and nothing less.

She will then draw her own conclusions. You really wont have any CONTROL over this process (all too painful) and she will either come to terms with your traits or she will not.

What is NOT appropriate is that one person makes demands on the other and then there is misery.

Katie

[Blaire]

Easiest way to is to not be full-time if you don't want to be. Keep your head out of pink clouds and listen to her.

Reassurance solidifies every day she gets her guy time when she wants/needs it.

[Sheila]

Donni, I appreciate your wifes repsect for your privacy and I applaude your attampt to get her to join here and then to get her to join us in FAB.

Yes some CDers are TS in Denial as Kate says & YES SOME ARE NOT, and some do not know right now where their road will lead, it may lead to realisation that they are indeed TS BUT IT MAY NOT

Some times I think those that discover they are TS become like ex smokers attempting to convert all and sundry to their side

[JulieC]

i want her to realize that crossdressing is not my "Gateway to Womanhood"

Time, and continued assertion.

I've told my wife this several times. She's always believed me about it, but it provides a definitive border for her and I think that helps her. My wife doesn't want a wife, she wants a husband. She absolutely fine with her husband being something other than 100% male, but she doesn't want a wife. I have zero desire to transition, and I've told my wife that many times. I have a small desire to see what it would be like to live 24/7 for an extended period, but I can't wrap my brain around the idea of living that way indefinitely. My wife knows all these things, and she's comfortable with that.

All you can do is keep repeating what you know. Over time, as your wife becomes more comfortable with her sense of who you are to her, she'll eventually become accustomed to the idea that you are you as you are, and you don't want to transition. Time.

I also want to add that our whole discussion this morning was a very difficult one and she put alot of effort and thought into not hurting my feelings

It sounds to me like your wife is a wonderful person. Make sure she knows it!

[Rianna Humble]

Perhaps one answer might be to say that you are quite comfortable as a man who occasionally presents as a female. Nothing more and nothing less.

I agree with this part of Kate's contribution if it is true for you. Sheila was right that some of us do not know where this road will lead, but if you are comfortable with your point on the road, then this is what you need to reaffirm to your wife.

I'm one of those who didn't know but have discovered that my personal journey has a different end-point, but that's just what it is my personal journey and I would not attempt to proselytise you. What makes this such a great site is that we are all different but we are able to concentrate on what unites us rather than what divides us.

[DonniDarkness]

How can you concretely say you are nothing more than a CD?

Because i enjoy being a guy too....i really and truly dont want to be seen all the time as a woman. However there is a part of me that is all girl.....i enjoy things from both of these aspects of my life and personality. I feel i see things from a girls perspective with a mans instinct. This is really hard to convey when we crossdress.

[Kate Simmons]

I'm not sure that is entirely possible Donni.

[NikiMichelle]

Just a couple of thoughts and comments:

1. - be very happy that she is involved with your situation and is an active communicator. It means she cares about the situation and puts some thought into it on her own time...she is not in denial.

2. - in order for you to be able to answer her you need to know the answer to her questions yourself. You need to work on this statement "i only had partial answers if any at all".

3. - do keep communicating.

[Lexine]

Donni, I feel for you girl, I really do.

I think your idea of having her sign up for the loved ones part of the forums would help, but I imagine you'd want a more immediate solution.

I'm not sure what her questions were, nor do I intend to pry, but your reassurance to her that you're the same person she loved needs to be re-established. Often times duality tends to confuse people into thinking that you might be someone you're not, and I feel that there will be times that these need to be re-stated from time to time. There might also be extraneous factors, but I'll lead you to discover that on your own.

Sorry if this advice doesn't really seem too specific or what not, but know that we all hope for the best!

[suchacutie]

First of all, Denise, it is VERY possible. I live it every day, and I have read about it on this forum over and over. I very much enjoy my male self. There are so many very "male" activities that I so much love! I also enjoy the male/masculine perspective of life. I just love "slaying the dragon" for my wife, solving the problems, fixing the stopped-up sink, and...this is important...I love being her husband!

On the other hand, there is this feminine creature in me we call Tina. So, back to the initial idea of this thread, my wife and I discovered Tina 5 years ago, and the centerpiece of our exploration of Tina has been that 1) Tina will never get in between us as husband and wife, and 2) my wife is Tina's girlfriend, mentor, and confident. Now, there are some other agreements that come from these principles, and some from me. For example, I am not comfortable mixing my masculine and feminine selves overtly. Tina is a third person who we talk about as not only as physical entity, but an emotional and psychological entity as well, as in, "What would Tina think about that?".

One interesting outcome is that I've been able better to identify my masculine self, whereas before my two gender identities were mixed! This brings me to my suggestions for making it clear that you are bigendered and not interesting in losing your masculine identity:

1) Keep your gender selves separate. Your feminine side should be different as the psychology, the emotional makeup, the physical makeup, the voice, and your deportment should all be different in the two gender presentations.

2) Encourage help from your wife in understanding how your femme side feels, how she looks, acts, sounds, thinks, and what she does! Together work out a life for her that's different. Keep your male self as the husband she expects.

3) Of course, and this cannot be violated (in my opinion), when she wants her man, she gets him! This happened to me just yesterday when I got home early in order to transition (nails take so long to really harden) but when I got home my male self was needed. Tina had to wait (hopefully for just a few more hours).

4) Lastly, don't do anything to put your femme self first. She's not, afterall, from what you've said, and over time your wife will help you to bring out your femme self. If your wife feels in control, every aspect of your life will be smoother. Also, take an interest in your wife's emotions, psychology, deportment, stresses, pressures, etc. After all, you do want to know how to be feminine in an effective way, and who better to ask than your wife. To me, this is one of the biggest assests of being bigendered: the real emotional understanding of your wife!

Ok...I've blithered on enough. As you can tell, I'm passionate about my bigendered nature and I love making it work! I love the extremes of gender and there is no way I would want to give up either of them!!

good luck with this, and if your wife would like to contact me directly or through this site I'd be more than willing to correspond if it will help.

best!

tina

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Donni

Speak to your wife again about joining the site

If she is worried about your privacy. You can always apply to join the GM section and post in there if there is anything she would rather not see.

I am sure by talking to others here she will find we have a wide range of people, a lot of whom like yourself have no intention of becoming a woman full time.

[KayC]

Please encourage her to come here and get ten posts in and apply to the FAB section. It is a safe private place where she can openly address her concerns and hear from us. As Reine shared elsewhere, I think she said it was less than 2% want to transition, so her odds are pretty safe, coupled with you what you say. It's not invading your privacy and support for her to be in the FAB section as it's just us GGs over there. It sounds like you have a wonderful wife that wants to understand but is understandably, scared.

[DonnaT]

Because i enjoy being a guy too....i really and truly dont want to be seen all the time as a woman.

That's mainly all you can say, for sure.

My wife has the same fear, and after 34+ yrs, I still occasionally have to reassure her that I like my guy side, and am quite comfortable with being a man.

Note that, even though there are some SO's here that can tell her not to worry, there are many stories on here that can cause her to worry. So we can not guarantee that if she joined the forum, she would have an eased mind.

[Alice B]

What I did for my wife was to research the web for all the articles on cross dressing I could find that fit who I was and how I felt about dressing. I then printed them and gave them for my wife to digest. We than sat down and had some open discussions and I answered all her questions with complete honesty. I strongly assured her that I did not want to become a woman, or live as a woman, but that I did feel the need to express my female side and that I truly enjoyed getting dressed and it relaxed me. I made sure to assure her that I would do nothing to cause her embarresment or grief.
'
After all that we arrived at a working arrangement. This was almost 5 years ago and over time I have backed up what I said and she has become more and more accepting and now allows me to dress and go out. I do not know how strong your relationship with your wife is, but honesty always wins. Good luck.

[sterling12]

I begin to believe that you have to "reassure" over and over again. Maybe Humans need that kind of repeated validation, and it is always an "open-ended" question. Remember, your Dog feels a need to be constantly petted and reassured, maybe it's important to give your wife The Same Consideration.

But, you have been doing that....right? Over how many years? OK, if your still at Square One, somethin' ain't workin'!

I'll ask a silly question, but it requires self-examination. Do your Actions say something different than your words? Granted, your not going to stop dressing, and that would be The Ultimate Sacrifice; but I think you all need to generate some Candor about what Criteria will mitigate her fears. Maybe it's something simple, but unsaid. If we don't ask, we may never find out.

Could you change tomorrow, want to go down The TS Road....of course! Humans are constantly "evolving," because we are "Thinking Animals." But after all these years, The Odds are very small. She could also "change" tomorrow and leave you; you don't have any absolute assurances either!

So, we go back to The Simple Stuff. Make sure she understands you love her, but also make sure that she understands that your femme self will always be around. Remember, it's probably some of those Femme Characteristics that attracted her in The First Place. If she really thinks about it, she may realize that "banishment" is not going to be in her best interests.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[trisha59]

How often does she see the male you? I could understand her feelings if, for instance, the first thing you do when you get home is dress. Perhaps she just wants to see the male more often.

[Jonianne]

How do i reassure my wife that i do not want to be a full time woman?

I can only speak from my own personal experience. I allowed myself to openly think of the possibility of wanting to transition and I gave myself the freedom to be OK with myself if I did desire that. After a long time of journaling and soul searching it finally dawned on me that I am exactly who I am. I know that I am a male crossdresser and not a TS woman for several reasons.

1) As a child I never even thought about wanting to "be" a girl.

I started crossdressing when I was 7 years old and always, all I wanted to be able to do was just be able to wear female cloths on occasion. Never did I even think about wanting to actually be a girl in all my childhood. I never considered that untill I was in my thirties.

2) Checking my feelings, while doing normal work stuff, I rarely felt like I wanted to transition.

I would spend a lot of time driving on my job and have plenty of time to think. For a long time, I would question myself while thinking (not drinking) and driving and say, "Would I want to transition and live as a female right now?" Unless I happen to be in a serious pink fog, the answer 95% of the time was "no".

3) Knowing my own mind, I don't "think" like a female, for the most part.

Although, I believe, my thought processes sometimes put me closer to females than to males, in general I know I think like a guy. Don't ask me how I know, I don't have the word vocabulary for it, but I know I am a guy inside. Don't necessarly like it, but accept it. Now emotionally, I know I am closer to females than males, but I still know I am a guy, and I couldn't live daily trying to "act" like a woman. Even when I have gone out dressed, I still feel and act still mostly like a guy.

4) It's a pain to stay dressed and go out for more than a few hours.

I love getting dressed and to go out to a park or to dinner, but it doesn't take long befor it gets old and soon I have the attitude of "OK, been there and done that" and it's time to change back and just be me in my normal male mode.

5) Physically, I am very male in appearance and somethings are not going to change.

Although I rant against the "passing" issue, it would still be important to me, if I wanted to live as a female, to be able to interact with most people without them knowing my birth gender. If I were more feminine in my appearance maybe I might have more of a desire to transition? I don't know.


Donni, think about yourself and really dig deep and the more you can express how you know you feel, with an internal confidence, the more she will feel it from you.

[Perlita85]

deep down u r a woman, just like th e rest of us

[giuseppina]

This isn't everyone's cup of tea, but perhaps some professional journal articles and conference papers would help. A university library supporting, say, 25 000 students would be a good place to start. Some are available for download at a price, like this one:

Surprise! Men Who Cross-Dress Are Similar to Men Who Don't

If you put this text into Google, it will find it.

[AKAMichelle]

that is a really tough one. The TG spectrum is moving target and while today you are no where near thinking about transitioning, next year you might be. That said makes explaining to her that you are only TG instead of TS hard. No matter what you tell her, show her there will always be something somewhere which will tell her you are TS because cd'ers are just TS women in denial. I personally don't believe that, but it is out there on the web.

With all of this said, I think the only way to convince her about how you feel is to tell her over and over again from the bottom of your heart. She may never fully believe. she may think you are in denial, but you must show and tell her in such a way that she understands.

[mapletree]

maybe you can re assure her by listening to her repsonses to your questions about her questions?

[DonniDarkness]

Some of you realize that these questions do not have yes or no answers and if they do it is only yes or no as an opening response and further explanations are needed so that either of us dont form our own conclusions

deep down u r a woman, just like th e rest of us

Geez perlita thanks for clearing that up.....i mean really if it were that simple.....

How often does she see the male you?

Trisha, everyday dear...

Do your Actions say something different than your words?

Sterling, What a difficult thing to do from my own perspective.
and the fact that im having to think really hard about it, shows me this may be more pinpoint to the situation at hand. Maybe my actions with dressing and being more open about it have scared her into thinking that i really want to transition into fulltime girl. When really im just still experimenting with what look i like and feel confident in for my girl nights.

I feel like i hurt ppl feelings here by saying im a fetishist vestite, just a cd, or part time girl. so many here have had some tough battles thru life, to be open and transition into who they wanted to be.

When i look at my femme self from my own mind i see her as an actress of sorts....let me try to explain....she is an extension of me....a harlequin of dark diversity.....my ultimate expression of the sullen girl....she is the dark diva that lives in my imagination and i portray her only with a fraction of the gothic elegance that my mind has given her....Her stage is the Night....and for all her life i have been her only audience.....and now my wife has her own seat in the theater.
The most important thing is: Its a show, it will end and the curtian closes for the evening, and Donni goes home to my dark mind. Fin.

i hope i didnt scare you.....but i feel i need to reiterate WHERE i stand as a Transvestite. i dont feel the need to pass in the world.....i do have urges to out sometimes, but only to venues where Donni can wear her goth attire and feel comfortable. But at the same time im not going show up at PTA dressed like Morticia from the Addams family.

Man ive got to slow this brain down a little.....

[Rianna Humble]

I feel like I hurt ppl feelings here by saying I'm a fetishist vestite, just a cd, or part time girl. so many here have had some tough battles thru life, to be open and transition into who they wanted to be.

Please don't feel like that. Your experience is no less valid than that of anyone else who uses these forums.

One of the things that makes this such a great place is that we are all unique with different experiences of cross-dressing and different reasons for why we are here, but we are able to concentrate on what unites us rather than on our differences (well, most of the time anyway).

You have every right to post what you did, it is up to the rest of us to try to help you.

[Jonianne]

Since you do have some lines of communications with her about it, the most important thing to do is to discuss and work out boundries and groundrules. They will give both of you a safe place to operate/play in and when she sees that you will infact live by those boundries, she will feel more secure. In time when there is more trust, the boundries can be rediscussed and your dressing expanded.

Also let her know that she would be so very welcomed to join the site by everyone here. I know the ladies in the FAB would love to listen and share their experiences. Maybe you could bribe her in some way to join?