Do most crossdressers hate themselves?

[Raquel June]

I don't get to this section very often, but I was browsing around and clicked on this thread:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...d.php?t=132426

And I was struck by the part, "She hugged me and said this is a part of who you are and just be comfortable with who you are." This is the kind of advice I see now and then, and everybody seems to agree with it but doesn't really seriously think about it.

Look at the average crossdresser. In the closet. Often married. Often hiding it from the wife, or at least on sort of a "don't ask don't tell" policy.

Face it. Most crossdressers hate themselves. They are ashamed of being a crossdresser. They try to hide it. I've seen a million posts about someone who gets married to a nice girl, trying to suppress their crossdressing instead of deal with it. A few years later they get caught. How is the wife supposed to react? This is a habit you're ashamed of. It's your dirty little secret. You wish you could stop. You expect other people to embrace your crossdressing when you yourself are obviously disgusted by it?

I was in a support group which encompassed both trans and CD people, and we wanted to volunteer in the community. We had trouble because we were basically seen as perverts so people didn't want us to be publicly associated with them, and they definitely didn't want to let us around kids. This is a horrible and mostly* unfounded stereotype about people with gender issues, but we need to look at ourselves. If we think of ourselves as deviants and are ashamed and hate ourselves and essentially have the same degree of disdain for crossdressing as we do pedophilia, then how do we expect others to treat us any better than pedophiles?

Crossdressers get busted by their wives and it turns into a major issue in their marriage, and they blame their wife for not understanding them. Give me a break. You don't understand yourself. You don't respect yourself. Your only outlet is talking on this forum and waiting for your wife to be out of the house so you can keep your shameful secret to yourself. How exactly do you expect to be treated any better than a total freak?

I know there are a lot of crossdressers who get out now and then and have fun and have a good family life, but then there are the deep-in-the-closet ones...

I mean, I'm on estrogen. I pretty much live as a not-quite-passable woman. But I used to think of myself as a crossdresser. It's a little taboo to talk about how blurred the line can be between CD and TS, but honestly I think a lot of crossdressers are transgendered girls without the self-respect to be themselves when anybody's watching except maybe a very small and very safe circle of friends.

It's hard to be comfortable with yourself. I spent so many years telling myself, "I know all I need is confidence." Well, that's pretty damn hard when all you want to be is a pretty girl just like any other girl wants, and yeah, nobody's as pretty as they want to be, but you're staring in the mirror at a 6-foot-tall hairy person with a penis and a receding hairline. Ouch! I went through a period of being suicidal and I was still afraid to be myself most of the time. That's ridiculous! I didn't care whether I lived or died but I was still too afraid of what people thought of me to leave the house most of the time. When I would go out and people would react negatively to me, it was never a big deal. I was still always glad I was trying to be myself. But the next day I would still want to lock myself inside even though I didn't even know what I was afraid of (since people who were mean to me didn't really bother me that much). So I know it's horribly difficult to be confident, and it can take years. But it's important if you're ever going to be happy. If you're ever going to understand yourself. If you're ever going to be comfortable.

I guess I would say I'm still kinda transitioning. I'm currently in a pretty great lesbian relationship. Is it because I was up-front with her about these issues? More than that, it's because she already knew about me through mutual friends, and the first time she saw me I was wearing eyeshadow in public. I'm not bragging. I've had tons of horrible relationships and the only person I can blame for that is myself. But this relationship works because she knows the real me and she's totally attracted to the real me.

I guess my point is that I see a lot of complaining around here. I see complaining about GGs not understanding. I see complaining about society not understanding. That's not the problem. The problem is with your attitude towards yourself. There's something to the cliche, you have to love yourself before other people can love you. The world has plenty a-holes in it, sure, but it's not that bad. I live in the John McCain state and am surrounded by cranky old Republicans and Mexican machismo, and I really don't get hassled much except by the kind of obnoxious people who are going to try to make anybody miserable whether or not it's a guy in a dress.

I'm not saying every crossdresser is an unenlightened transwoman longing to get estrogen injected in her ass. I'm just saying be true to yourself. Be confident. Think of what could bring you true happiness and be that person. You'll lose some family. You'll lose some friends. But guess what? One day you'll look back and say, "OMG, why did I care about those jerks?"

Don't live your life with excuses. Don't tell yourself you can't be yourself because of other people. I see all the time people making themselves miserable for the sake of relationships that are probably doomed to begin with. And I'll bet a lot of these people are in relationships that would make them miserable and fall apart even if there weren't any gender issues involved. Everybody has issues with their parents expectations, and often feels like they're living their life to satisfy others, even non-crossdressers! And if anybody wants to be happy they have to say screw everybody else's expectations, I'm going to be me.

I'll go disappear again for another few months


* I say mostly because I've met a lot of crossdressers in bars who are married men who like to sneak out and crossdress to cheat on their wives with men. People pretend this doesn't exist, but I've seen about 100 instances of it in the past four years. These people degrade women, degrade crossdressers, and if anybody's a pervert they are. I know that for every one of them there are problably 500 crossdressers who stay home and keep it to themselves instead of going out and trying to hook up, but there is definitely some foundation for the negative stereotype for crossdressers.

[Rianna Humble]

I can't quantify it to say whether "most" cross-dressers hate themselves, but I believe that we all go through self-doubt and possibly self-hate at some stage in our development as CD's.

There are enough negative influences out there to drive many of us into the closet. For myself, when I was younger I fell prey to propaganda that made me feel that there was something shameful about my need to dress contrary to my physical gender. In consequence I fought it for far too long.

I can't join you in condemning those who were afraid to tell their life partners at the outset and who now find it difficult to come out of the closet. The tales of marriage break-ups and the like are numerous enough to make even the most courageous blanch.

Faced with all of those condemnatory influences and the fact that the gutter press in nearly all countries likes to portray us as sub-human momsters, can you wonder that the most difficult thing for many cross-dressers is to accept themselves?

You are right to a certain extent when you say that society won't accept us if we don't accept ourselves, but unfortunately you are overlooking all those of us (myself included now) who have learned to accept ourselves and who are striving to present an acceptable image to society. It is not those of us who lack enough confidence to peek out of the closet door who are hindering society from accepting us, it is sheer bigotry by large groups of self-righteous cisgendered people.

I'm glad that you are doing relatively well despite the area where you live, but let's not forget those who stepped out of the door and got beaten to death for the privilege.

Whether someone on these forums is "just a cross-dresser" as one thread put it, on the way to transition, or somewhere else on the gender continuum, we all need to feel that we can live without fear. What we don't need is the condemnation of one of our own pushing people further into the closet.

[Raquel June]

There are enough negative influences out there to drive many of us into the closet. For myself, when I was younger I fell prey to propaganda that made me feel that there was something shameful about my need to dress contrary to my physical gender. In consequence I fought it for far too long.

I can't join you in condemning those who were afraid to tell their life partners at the outset and who now find it difficult to come out of the closet. The tales of marriage break-ups and the like are numerous enough to make even the most courageous blanch.

Faced with all of those condemnatory influences and the fact that the gutter press in nearly all countries likes to portray us as sub-human momsters, can you wonder that the most difficult thing for many cross-dressers is to accept themselves?

I'm not condemning everybody, but now that you mention it... What are the reasons someone would fail to mention this to their partner?

1) They're ashamed, they hope this is something they can suppress
2) They're just dishonest and want to keep secrets from their partner

The excuses you listed might sound good good, but let's compare it to something obvious. What if you're a black man and you only date blind women because you don't want to tell them you're black. You're ashamed of being black, and you tell the blind women that you're white.

Is it OK to lie because there are negative stereotypes about black people? Is it OK to lie because some people wouldn't want to date a black person? Obviously not. You need to get over the self-loathing and accept yourself.

If this was common practice, obviously blind women would dump guys who lied about their race most of the time. Because blind women are mean? Because they don't sympathize? No, because they've been lied to.

This is a ridiculous example, but my point is I think your arguments are invalid either way. Certainly black people could say there has historically been "gutter press in nearly all countries likes to portray us as sub-human monsters".



I'm not saying confidence fixes everything. And I think you missed my overall tone -- I absolutely am not being condescending. I'm a pretty big wimp in many ways, and I've had the support some really good friends and more recently a wonderful partner, yet still my biggest obstacle has been developing the confidence to be myself in the world.

Living in fear sucks. Whether it's fear of people finding out about your crossdressing, or a transsexual's fear of transition and how society will respond. Especially if you're trying to be out of the closet, people sense fear and attack it.

I'm glad that you are doing relatively well despite the area where you live, but let's not forget those who stepped out of the door and got beaten to death for the privilege.

Certainly. I don't think I would've made it if I was born a few years earlier.

Whether someone on these forums is "just a cross-dresser" as one thread put it, on the way to transition, or somewhere else on the gender continuum, we all need to feel that we can live without fear. What we don't need is the condemnation of one of our own pushing people further into the closet.

When people say "just a cross-dresser" in that context, they mean a true crossdresser who has a lot degree of actual transgender feelings, so I hope ya don't take offense.

[mklinden2010]

I wouldn't say that most crossdressers hate themselves.

But, I would say most are pretty dumb about what they are actually doing - and that leads to them and everyone around them eventually and endlessly hating the entire situation.

Crossdressing usually just doesn't work very well as a life - for a number of reasons. These are just a few:

In terms of just "the look," for example, most men lack female bumps and curves and they're larger, on average (mostly taller) than most women. And, they lack the same hair, skin, bone structure, etc. of most girls and women. Same with the voice, the hands, and the basic plumbing... No amount of cloth and paint is going to change their basic look and presentation.

In terms of bearing and attitude, most crossdressers have never been girls, so they have a difficult time presenting as women - even large women. And, most (in my experience) don't even think to practice before they go out in public. And, when they do go out in public, they're dashing out to a support meeting or gay club which isn't anything like "real" life for anyone.

In terms of politics and causes, most crossdressers are either ignorant about the ocean of information they are swimming in and/or fail to apply themselves to fitting in with life. They'll talk sports, tell old jokes, over-play the "femme" voice and behaviors and wind up offending people - as a minor annoyance to others - by being neither fish nor foul in terms of who they might be to relate to... And, it's clear to people around them that, "This soul is a bit confused..." Tolerance is not the same as acceptance.

I am a crossdresser. I am a better crossdresser than I used to be. I was fortunate, I think, in that the women I was involved with insisted that I not look foolish when I dressed, that I support women's issues, and, that I be the same person all the time - no highs and lows because I was dressed/not dressed. Having respect for women/the underdog/everyone, knowing the politics of work, pay, civil rights, weak vs. strong... All that made me a better person - who cares about the clothes? Women, "real" women, wear skirts and dresses and so forth, but they'd be who they are without skirts and dresses.

I got over being ashamed, confused, angry, disgusted, scared, and so forth when I got past the play acting and the erotism of crossdressing and realized that trying on different roles and clothes was actually crosstraining to be a better person, a better human being. My SOs fight for my presence. I don't mean they compete for my time and attention, I mean they value it so much they "cleave" to me as a valuable person. I can dress as I like and do what I want - but it's because I am open with what I am doing and why I am doing it and they nod and say, "That sounds like a great idea. You're a good person doing good things and I can support that."

It's not what's on your back or hanging from your hips that matters - no matter who you are.

It's what's in your head.

No, not your heart, your head.

The heart beats so that the head can do it's thinking.

Think and the world will think with you.

[Kate Simmons]

If anything CD's hate the fact that they don't understand their feelings. Most have been brought up to believe men have to act a certain way. When we get in touch with our feelings we discover that is just so much hogwash but that is where a lot of the conflicts begin as we assume we cannot have the softer feelings. It takes time to become comfortable with ourselves in that respect. Sometimes we have to literally live out the role to integrate the feelings. Once they are accepted though, they can be integrated into our overall self. Then we become empowered to become whoever we want to be. So I wouldn't say we necessarily hate ourselves, just the fact that we do fully not understand why we have these feelings and we are sometimes hard pressed to express them.

[DonniDarkness]

Raquel, for the most part you are right and i agree with 90% of your post. The whole 'cowgirl up" attitude is inspiring to say the least. Some of us are just plain happy not having to deal with coming out of the closet to the world.

to your question: Do most crossdressers hate themselves?

I went thru a period of serious self-loathing....about a 3yrs ago i purged all of it on the grounds that i was "sick" and needed help. I was having identity issues as a man and felt that it was my crossdressing that was fueling my inadequacies. Before i purged i did my own research, trying with all i had to come to some kind of a conclusion as to why i am like i am. The internet proved to be of no help really at the time, because all i could find when trying to research transgendered people it always led me to porn or those "chat" sites. Finally it left me with this gross feeling that i was a perverted deviant and that crossdressing was putting me on the path of the downward spiral......in the end i purged....i had no one to talk to, (at the time my wife knew about my dressing, but i was so full of self-loathing i was ashamed to ask her for help).........

Three years later.....i was seriously unhappy, had no outlet for stress, romance was dwindling and my unhappiness was being read by those i love. My wife asked me one day when we were argueing "Why are you always so effing unhappy, Don?"....i didnt have an answer....i felt numb...the only answer i gave at the time was tears welling up in my eyes and at that point i was nearing complete emotional break down. She assumed that it was her i was unhappy with. (which was resolved long ago) But in the end it was my denial and self-hate that brought me to this place in life where i was just a shell of a person, bi-gendered or not. Eventually i forced myself to accept that even if i was a deviant, i needed to accept it, because it was emotionally killing me to be ashamed of myself for something i really didnt want to share with anyone but my wife.

My point tho Raquel June, as we grow up in society we are taught to be the same as everyone else, we grow up, we realize that we are different and a lifetime of repetitive "normalcy" pressures us into being ashamed of who we are.
These pressures are what fuels the self-hate and self loathing, but without working thru these emotions, we would never have accepted ourselves for who we are. In retrospect they are actually what drives most to "come out of the closet" to the extent where they feel comfortable.

So do i hate myself now......yes and no.....yes, because i am pissed i have put myself thru needless shame over 15 years of dressing in the closet..........no, because i have accpeted who i am and i am putting tremendous effort into being more courageous towards my goals and femininity.

-Donni-

[Katesback]

In a more diplomatic set of words I pretty much agree with the original post. I wound not say that CDs hate themselves but I would say that a lot see being a CD as a negative thing. I am shocked at how those that are in this catagory will typicall blame everyone else and the big bad world for thier own issues!

I marvel at how so many totally ignore the fact that sooo many people have come before those that are in the closet and came out and succeeded in whatever dreams they had. Be it TS or remaining CD or whatever.

I marvel that girls like Jennifer and PHilis who are on this very site are totally out in the public and with some encouragement from me have realized that the BIG BAD World is really not what they thought it to be.

I marvel at the excuses.... that they use to justify the extreme uniqueness of thier relationship!

What really breaks my heart though is that sooo many NEVER live up to thier potential. I have to remind myself that being trans is no different than human nature. There are those that do and those that dont.

You have to ask yourself what faction you fit into!!!!

Katie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I beleive the point is well taken...there is alot of self loathing, shame etc in our community..

but i also believe that you are being too harsh on folks...we are taught from our first moment that being feminine and girly is not just wrong but is bottom of the barrel wrong...growing up is hard enough, but when your entire youth is spent being shamed for what you are, then getting out of that rut is a lifelong endeavor,

my approach is that I won't judge anyone that is struggling with it

[Tora]

Hate, NO. The challenge of this activity, is added stress. Todays world offers enough natural stress, without looking for more. When I met my bride, almost 40 years ago, this topic of crossdressing, was deep in the closet. I thought marrage was the cure. My wife, as most people, was not prepared to deal with the topic when it came up. We are dealing with it. Crossdressing is not even the most stressful item, anymore.

[sometimes_miss]

I think you're mistaking 'hating ourselves' with 'hating how the rest of the world thinks about us'. I may not be thrilled about being a crossdresser; after all, it's made my life very difficult as far as finding a romantic partner is concerned. But I certainly don't hate myself over it. Would I 'choose' to be a crossdresser in my next life? No. I don't think anyone would choose anything that would make life more difficult than it already is, or choose anything that would limit our choices in other ways either. Financially, who in their right mind would choose something that requires spending vast amounts of money on two wardrobes? It simply doesn't make any sense.

So, no, I don't think most crossdressers hate themselves, any more than the rest of the population does. Some do, some don't.

[TGMarla]

It's an interesting post, with a lot of good points and some real harsh truths. But "hate" is a very strong word. I don't think most CDs hate themselves. I think there is a certain amount of self-loathing that goes on, and certainly some regret with the lot in life that has been handed them, but still, "hate" comes across as too strong.

I don't think that the primary reason that CDs hide this from SOs and other people is due to self-hate. I think it's just easier to keep it to themselves, that's all. It's a couse of least resistance. Not everyone is a militant revolutionary about their transgender nature. Many prefer to keep such things private. And fear of the unknown is always there as well. This does not equate to self-hate.

I can personally relate to much of what is in the original post. In fact, I'll wager that much of what is posted there hits a nerve with a whole lot of our population. But the blanket statements therein do not cover everybody adequately. We're all different, and have different motives and goals.

As for me, I made peace with my crossdressing by making the choice to keep the life I have made with my wife, and therefore keeping the CDing to myself. This does not mean that I hate myself. Rather, it helps bring me some peace of mind over it all. It does not make the desire for womanhood go away, but it does keep it within a certain reality check for me. And I'm willing to live with that.

[Sweeterica]

Do we hate ourselves? I dont see that most of us do,if we enjoy the transformation to our girly world how can we hate ourselves. I agree we may hate how people react to what we do,why people do react so terribly has always baffled me,its not as if we harm people is it.
Some of us may feel frustrated with loved ones that dont fully accept what we do,keeping things in the closet as a lot of us do can be both exciting and frustrating.
Hate ourselves well for me its a big NO.

[DonnaT]

Without any statistics, most is only a guess.

I, for one, never hated being a CD/trans.

There are a bunch of reasons we don't come out to our SOs, besides hate or embarrassment.

When my SO and I were dating, CDing was the furthest thing from my mind. During the first year of our marriage, since I had access to the clothes, it became an issue once again, and I came out to her. No deceptive intent, etc.

[gemsay32]

Why can't cross-dressing be a fetish? Why does it have to mean so and so is somehow transgendered and should be a women? I'm happy to admit here I'm a pervert and have used womens clothes in private for pleasure. When I was a teenager, I used to masturbate in private. I didn't want anyone to know. It's stupid to suggest to me that something I do in private for pleasure is something I should do in the open. That's like telling a teenager that when they masturbate they should open their door, proudly enter the living room where their parents are, and masturbate in full view so that they can accept who they're as a person and not hide anything. Umm, some things SHOULD be hidden!

Anyway, I think society is just afraid of cross-dressing. When people are afraid of something it's usually because they don't understand it. They automatically assume you're somehow related to pedophilles or serial killers. That's a natural instinct, and if you think about it, makes a lot of sense. In the wild, if an animal hears a branch break, they freeze. That's because they don't know what broke the branch. Maybe it's a predator? The goal of society is not to vanquish fear so we no longer feel it, but to understand and manage things so we don't fear them. So the goal is to get rid of darkness and bring in the light, but only to a point. That's why couples don't have wild sex in public - in fact, it's against the law. We all know what sex is, but we have enough self-respect to know that it doesn't belong in public or at the workplace.

And just in case you're wondering, I have a religious background. So any kind of sexual thought used to make me feel guilty because the bible is relentless about it. In fact, even getting turned on by a girl you see is a sin in the bible. Similarly, some homosexuals feel shame because they're religious and feel that homosexuality is their fault. Many christians feel homosexuality is a choice, and brings shame to you. Additionally, when a christian of this sort sees someone who doesn't feel shame, they're appalled. To them that's proof that the devil, the most evil thing in the bible, has blinded the individual. When it gets to that point, they'll go out of their way to protect their children from accepting homosexuals so that their children do not become blinded too. So it's not just society that brings shame to people.

A lot of it is just about what people think. If they view the behavior negatively because of what they've learned in life, it's not as simple as flipping a light switch to reverse how they think. For example, some men might view cross-dressing as a weakness. This world is still a very man dominated world. Even though the developed countries have worked hard to get women involved, it's still very man dominated, particularly in government, military, executive roles - what matters! So a man like this that has the inclination to cross-dress doesn't want his wife to know because he wants his wife to think he's strong and man-like. To change this, you have to convince him that cross-dressing is not a sign of weakness. You also might have to convince his wife that cross-dressing is ok if she doesn't like it. For example, she might find the whole thing unattractive and discouraging. It might be impossible to change it. So the guy might have to restrict himself.

I once heard someone say, "If I change what you know, I change what you do." Thoughtful!

[docrobbysherry]

When I say "I'm simply a CD", I mean I'm NOT TG! Or, don't feel like one, anyway. Otherwise, why say that at all?

R u going to argue with me about being a perv? Go ahead! It won't do any good! Because I FEEL LIKE ONE!
The day I DON'T feel like one, is the day I'll feel GOOD about my dressing!

I don't think coming out of the CLOSET has as much to do with CONFIDENCE, as it has to do with SACRIFICE!

Like many others here, if I came out, here's what I stand to lose, or damage:

Many, (most?), of my friends. Of course some would stay in touch. But, as they're family folks, I'd become an "embarrasment" to them!

Some of my family, ( See above).

My business. Which I've worked at for 30+ years.

My children. I can't predict ALL the effects on them, or how they'd feel about me if I came out. But, I can't think of ANY POSITIVE results for them.

All this, just so I can walk around in womens clothes in public? And, MAYBE feel good about myself someday? No, I DON'T THINK SO!

Raquel, I have the utmost respect for those like u, that learn to LIKE their CD/TG side. And, that r willing to turn their ENTIRE worlds UPSIDE DOWN, so that they can dress in public.
But, if u CAN'T understand why so many of us choose NOT to take that path, you're in DENIAL!
U can call me a coward, a hypocrite, a cheater, or a million OTHER invectives! None will be as bad as the ones I call MYSELF!

Personally, I don't HATE myself, but I can't imagine EVER being PROUD of my dressing! The best I can hope for is, to rid myself of the "pervert" title!

[pj]

Most crossdressers hate themselves. They are ashamed of being a crossdresser.

Hate and shame are two very different things.

Shame is created by forces outside yourself. It doesn't necessarily or inevitably lead to self-hate.

I've only been here for a short time, but I have noticed an interesting (and common) tendency among many people to think that what applies to them applies to everyone. I suppose that is human nature. And it is probably amplified here simply because this is a special interest group with a common unifying issue.

Saying "crossdressers hate themselves" is like saying, "crossdressers drink chocolate milk," or "crossdressers play with model trains." It's not true, nothing applies to everyone. If you hate yourself, that's a shame (get it? Har har). But don't assume that I hate myself. I know I'm awesome.

I'm just waiting patiently for everyone else to acknowledge it.

[Katesback]

I think that there is a point that some are overlooking. The main post talks about those that are unhappy, that complain and wine about thier situation. Thouse that go on and on about all the negative things in thier lives.

I believe that the author is not focusing her attention on those of you that are totally happy with the situation you are in.

I myself have always taken the stance to accept people for who they are. If they are happy then great. If they are trying to reach thier potential then I sometimes will help by encouraging them.

If they are contend to wallow in sorrow and DO NOTHING, then I give up and move on to those that might be willing to help themselves.

Katie

[KarenCDFL]

I can't say the most cross dressers hate themselves.

I have been a CD all my life and though I am not "out" to the world at large, I never hid it from SO's I have been involved with. I have never hated myself.

I told my wife over a year before we married and that was 16 years ago. My wife has said to me that she could never imagine not being married to a cross dresser because life would be not only too straight and boring but she always knows where my stash of spare unopened BOGO mascara's are!

If cross dressers "hate" anything, I would think that hatred is pointed towards the people that will not accept them to be who they want to be without fear, hatred and disdain.

But then again the people who tent to hate things, seem to hate everything.

[carolinoakland]

Oh come one, tell us how you REALLY feel...( <grin>I love you Raquel! if you can't say what you want it's not an open forum, so don't stop!) I have been seeing a rise in the postings about this topic. And I think that you get into trouble when you start saying "most'' or '' all '' Remember... " All poodles are dogs. But not all dogs are poodles".

I was at a point in my life that the shame and unhappiness gave me two choices...
Either I was a conflicted CD struggling with self acceptance.

Or...

A TS?

I had to resolve this... and well... voila! I"m a happy woman living her life everyday. I have had more life and happiness than in decades. I have laughed longer and harder in the last year or so than I can remember. And my relationships with people have become so much more and the new ones are deeper.

Isn't it grand that I figured it out?

But for some they aren't at the place where they can accept who they are, yet.

As for the complaining... I'd rather listen to a million complaining one's than hear that one of us gave up and took their own life because WE turned our backs on someone for not " getting over it and moving on ". We shouldn't berate them for their ambivilance or confusion. They are our sisters and brothers, and you love and help family...

Don't YOU?

[gemsay32]

I think you're mistaking 'hating ourselves' with 'hating how the rest of the world thinks about us'. I may not be thrilled about being a crossdresser; after all, it's made my life very difficult as far as finding a romantic partner is concerned. But I certainly don't hate myself over it. Would I 'choose' to be a crossdresser in my next life? No. I don't think anyone would choose anything that would make life more difficult than it already is, or choose anything that would limit our choices in other ways either. Financially, who in their right mind would choose something that requires spending vast amounts of money on two wardrobes? It simply doesn't make any sense.

So, no, I don't think most crossdressers hate themselves, any more than the rest of the population does. Some do, some don't.

Exactly! There's a difference between hating society for how it views you and actually believing society and therefore hating yourself! In the former, it's like giving up (society is too big!) and just being left with anger and blame. The latter is just an example of being misled into believing what society says. The truly courageous see how society views them, sees the error, and work to change it and accept themselves in the process. To be honest, I find it hard to blame anyone. People go through a lot in life, and it's not wise to judge them unless you've lived in their shoes.

When I say "society", that could also mean religion or idealogy or personal opinion based on experience or etc. The point is, something is telling you what to think or do, and you must determine whether it's in error, and if in error, you must stand up strong to counter it, overcome it, and accept yourself. Not everyone will stand up strong, and many others will not notice the error in the first place in what society/religion/etc is telling them to think or do. And like MissDonni said in his/her post, sometimes it takes a while to "stand up strong, counter it, overcome it,..." It's not like flipping a light switch.

[suzy1]

If someone is doing something or living a lifestyle that hurts others, it’s wrong. For example, paedophilia, or serial killer. If someone is doing something that hurts nobody, then why feel guilty? We are doing nothing wrong. The guilt or self hate that some feel over C.D.ing is a result of this ill informed and prejudice riddled world.
I have never felt any self hate or guilt. If the majority of crossdressers have or are hating themselves I would be shocked and saddened.
Tell me that’s not true.
I know it’s not quite as simple as that but I think it’s a valid point.
I just enjoy myself as Suzy.

[suchacutie]

In this thread Sometimes Miss pointed out that if we could choose to be CD in the next life it might be better to choose NOT to be trans. After thinking about this for a while I must admit that I WOULD choose to be trans and would hope that I could start earlier than 55 this time!

Why? I was brought up in full guy mode and girly things were strongly discouraged, even though it seems I tried at times without understanding what was happening (playing with dolls, etc). So, here I am married for decades and suddenly my wife and I literally stumble across what we now call Tina inside of me. What are the consequences? For one, conversations that the two of us would never have had about every possible topic involving gender, femininity vs. masculinity, views of existence from the gender perspective, the issues of growing up as a boy or a girl, knowledge one gender has and the other doesn't (and wow are misconceptions out there in huge numbers) and on and on. Bottom line, we are open to each other in ways I could not have imagined, and every time Tina visits a new set of conversations appear! Yes, we do talk about the usual topics of makeup and all the trimmings, and those are great too (as they were last night).

So, would I choose to be trangendered? You Bet! And the future? After all, sex education in schools was controversial and fought over for a generation, so why not gender education? After all, isn't education really the answer?

tina

[Jessy]

Well the thing with me is that I have a huge fear of being unaccepted. I don't have a lot of friends left, and actually my family are the only people that have always been there for me through good and bad times. But I do need people, I do need social contacts very badly.

Now let's analyze that fear a bit. I have no clue who will be accepting and who won't. Fact is, I have only ONE shot at this.
If I build something and I mess up, all I loose is some time, some materials, and some breath on a couple of bad words, then I just start anew. If coming out as a crossdresser ends up badly, there's NO WAY back. And to be honest, although I wanna come out very badly, I have more to loose than I'm willing to risk.

In my area (Europe) crossdressers don't even seem to exist. Yes they do exist, but all very closeted. There aren't even support groups. Some people tried, but stopped because no people showed up. So I'm basically all alone in this part (except for online contacts), in a society that's for most parts unaccepting. Crossdressing is a taboo here. But many people don't even know it, except for the perverts being shown on TV stealing woman's underwear from backyards. And possibly some celebrity drag queens.
As for work, that's a real danger. Guys wearing long hair or earrings aren't even accepted.

I've heard a couple of times already that coming out would open doors, and I'd love to believe that. But I'm afraid to do it. Do I really wanna put everyone and everything I have now at risk for that...?

Oh and I don't have a SO. Never ever had any luck with that. So I really doubt if I ever do find one, I'd be willing to risk loosing her because of this...

[Vickie_CDTV]

If I remember right, there were chapters of FPE thoughout Europe back 20-30 years ago. Are they still around or have they folded?

[JulieK1980]

This doesn't overly relate to me, as I don't hide it from my wife, but I definitely don't hate myself. I'm rather happy being who I am. I also feel crossdressing has helped me to be a better person as well. I can relate better to people that are "different" and I'm much less likely to judge them for it.

I hate the 30 pounds I put on, but that's about it.... lol!