>> After that, the habit stuck, and here I am now. A shrink I see thinks that maybe it is that I rely HEAVILY on CDing [as opposed to causal as I did before that year of hell] as a means of coping with the deep emotional wounds I had sustained in the past. I agree [and figured it out before the conclusion was drawn by him].
>>The long rant above has a purpose.
>>Now that I am in this relationship, I feel like that which I turned to CDing for in part is being nourished, but to tell her soul - regardless of how tolerant she is / seems to be - runs the risk of her wanting to get as far away from me as possible, thus landing me back at square one-and-a-half. Seems like a catch-22 to me.
KC,
That’s no Catch 22, that’s just a fact. A Catch 22 would be “you can’t win either way.” That is not really the case here. Fact is, you just don’t know how it could turn out. The only way to find out is to try. If there is a sure way to screw up, however, it is probably to say nothing and wind up getting caught, “lying” later. Now, that’s a “catch.”
If you tell her, if you tell anyone anything about anything you think or feel, you run the risk of them, the other person, deciding to split. You could say you don’t like dogs, ice cream, democrats… anything… and people can and will vote with their feet.
But, they can vote all sorts of ways. A lot of times you say something and they say, “Really? Cool!” But, nothing ventured, nothing gained. And, in this case, as many can tell you, you really don’t want to get into a long-term relationship where you are hiding some basic feelings, thoughts, and actions from your presumable best friend.
I think in CDing, and escalating your CDing, you found something that worked and you managed to get past the worst of that year. In the process, you found out just how effective things like CDing can be for survival and mental health. You found out something about your abilities and potential and you value what you are doing as something useful to you.
Even without the roommate, people are pretty smart and many have started down an unmarked or mis-marked road only to discover that they liked what they were doing and wanted to continue. People, in any event, are adaptable and will tend to use what works over and over again.
I see CDing as an interesting thing in my life. Not always a plus, and sometimes a minus. But, it is one of many things that I know how to do, how to employ, so I try not to ignore it, spend time shoving it away, or, pretending, "I'm not like that." It's just part of who I am and what I do. Life will go on, the planet keeps spinning…
There are upsides, such as being able to "get" why you wouldn't want to walk in heels in the rain to the Mall's door. Why some chairs are just awful to sit in. And, how hopeless it is to expect to get any work done in some clothes. Not to mention how someone can literally be a slave to fashion in clothes that look good but feel like chain mail on bare skin.
For your GF to know you, she needs to know something about what you do and why you do it. My SOs have never rejected me for CDing. In fact, after some head-scratching, all have been supportive - some overly so!
Most women, by and large, by nurture if not by nature, wind up in support roles for infants and children and thus are accustomed to seeing the “real man” behind the green curtain – who turns out very often not to be the same person he lets everyone else see. Your SO in life will support you because you are you – and nobody expects perfect. They will work with you as you work with them.
Since you are in a dating situation, keep in mind the institution of dating is all about trail and error – with most people getting passed over in favor of the next one until something sticks. And, when something does stick, there’s a lot of “practicing on each other” that will naturally take place. So, you might as well get onto the next round with this GF and see how things go. Life, for a long time, is trail and error – then things settle down for long periods at a time.
Marriage, when you get around to it, is not really about tying you to another person; it’s really about defining the relationship and protecting it from others. You know the part about “Let no man put asunder?” Well, you and she –as the case may be - have the right to have your marriage without interference from others. What you do, what you work out, between yourselves is your business.
Again, the institution of marriage is actually a mansion of sorts, with legal locks on the doors and windows that keep other people from interfering with YOUR lives. You can get out if you want, but others are not allowed in… See how that really works?
Good luck in being you and working out a good life with yourself and others.
Be proud of what you get done – and use every tool you have that seems to work in your pursuit of happiness.
Results, in a lot of life, matter a lot more than methods.
Be happy.
Originally Posted by ~Michelle~
I couldn't have said it any better
