In hindsight... I was pretty stupid

[mklinden2010]

Quote:
Originally Posted by mklinden2010
>>You both knew that and you both, for your own individual short-sighted reasons, made "rules" for PERSONAL behavior. But, in writing or not, you can't waive your rights to your PERSONAL thoughts and personal actions. If you have an itch, you have the unalienable right to scratch it - "contracts" don't apply.

Question:

Would you apply the same logic to an alcoholic? Never mind that they have promised their SO that they will no longer drink, if the urge comes over them, they should break their promise and return to alcoholism? That would be the logical outworking of your reasoning.


This may sound a bit harsh, but reality sometimes bites...

Yes, I would and do. If you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic. What YOU do with that knowledge, for all I now care, is up to YOU. Once I know that, I try to sort out if you're a biological or conditioned alcoholic and gauge my support or lack of it accordingly.

And, again since this is example is up to me, I'd hit the door BEFORE this known alcoholic drank again. To me, and having lived with this, I would not put up with it again. Fish gotta swim, drunks gotta drink. I no longer care to be much involved with such people: "Drink faster so I can get out of here!"

I would not, however, (allow myself to) bust the bottle over the drunk's head, set the drunk on fire, or, come up with new rules and punishments to further complicate the situation. It does the drunk no good to beat them up, they're doing that just fine to themselves and it takes up a lot of my time.

The OPs SO may or may not decide to act along the same lines in the future. The OP may decide to modify his behavior one way or another based on all these posts.

Just be happy, people - and be happy without making each others lives, or, your own, hell.

"If you're having problems, it may because you are a problem..."

Note the word "you" carefully - at all times.

[pj]

the betrayal was met by a measured response...

Wouldn't a measured response be deliberate, regulated, restrained, carefully considered? Smile characterized the response by saying, "the shit went down," which sounds to me like the opposite of measured.

Nitpicking aside, it seems odd to me that so many people are defending such an extreme and frankly weird reaction to what is essentially a minor thing. There are degrees of rules. Every rule isn't equally important. If they were, we would be sending people to death row for running a stop sign, or using the wrong fork for their salad.

But then the original post is a little odd too. I would think someone would post that in here to get some support or empathy or whatever. But to describe what happened and then say, "but I'm cool with it" - I don't get that. I mean, I get it, I just don't...I dunno. What do I know. Judge not and all that. But since everyone is throwing in their two cents...

[AmandaM]

It seems like your girl is hostile to any attempt to further your femininity. That could become a problem for you if the desire to feminize more becomes overwhelming. Maybe you could discuss this and possibly alleviate her fears?

[Sheila]

But then the original post is a little odd too. I would think someone would post that in here to get some support or empathy or whatever. But to describe what happened and then say, "but I'm cool with it" - I don't get that. I mean, I get it, I just don't...I dunno. What do I know. Judge not and all that. But since everyone is throwing in their two cents...

YOu know there are loads of threads around that I don't get, but I don't need to get it to extend an empathy for the poster & or their SO depending on the subject.

The poster while okay with the reaction of their partner is also aware that if boundaries are broken again ............... not discussed and moved but[SIZE="4"] B R O K E N[/SIZE] then his partner is out of there, & wanted to warn other people to be careful not to push boundaries, now she could have left it until someone else had broken agreements and said yeah that happened to me a few weeks/ months ago, I could have maybe warned you ............ she didn't .......... she posted and got a lot of flak for accepting/thinking her SO's reactions were in her eyes fair ......... and was called a rather nasty name in the process

[pj]

wanted to warn other people to be careful not to push boundaries, now she could have left it until someone else had broken agreements and said yeah that happened to me a few weeks/ months ago, I could have maybe warned you ...

Okay, I get that.

But I think it's good for others to provide their opinions of the SO's behavior, because sometimes you can be too close to a situation, or too used to a situation, or too new to a situation, and not have any perspective on how you're being treated.

I'm sure we didn't get the full story anyway, and only the two of them know what really happened (and their memories of it are probably different as well). But it was good for Smile to post it, and I think it's good for Smile to read the feedback, rough or gentle.

And I thought the "pussy whipped" comment was a joke - that's how I read it anyway. But of course you have to be careful with text. It's hard to convey humor sometimes.

[Di]

Ok I get the boundries thing....but the way you explained it...I got what happened and why in the shaving (ffs how girly would she feel all hairy ick).......S0 what I do not get how and why she overeacted in such an mentally abusive way? You told her and was sorry because you understand she wants her man......but she doesn't seem to want to understand you.
Hope she will think about it and see she overreacted Big time overreacted.

[Katari]

be happy she didnt walk out.

And this to the "your P-whipped people"
-Theory question-
If your SO kept taking her credit card and maxing it out every time you paid it off, even after she swore she wouldnt do it anymore. And then the statement comes in with it maxed out yet another time....What would you do?....Take it away maybe of or cut it in half? HMMMM, your thinking now, huh

Different scenario? yes
Principle is the same though, if you cant be trusted with it than you dont need to be tempted with it.

So i say- Good for her, for one; standing up for herself, and two; giving you another chance.

Be her Man now

Keep your chin up,
-Donni-

I agree with Donni
Keep your head up high now and show her the respect when her respect grows back. There is no such thing as pussy whipped when all the items are on the table (like they were) I am happy to see that there are still such Men/Women out there that have the gumption to be honest and sinsere in thier relationship.

Katari

[Nicole Erin]

Would you apply the same logic to an alcoholic? Never mind that they have promised their SO that they will no longer drink, if the urge comes over them, they should break their promise and return to alcoholism? That would be the logical outworking of your reasoning.
.

I do think if an alcoholic promised to quit drinking and started again, then yes, that alcoholic SHOULD have his wig cut in half.

I know at AA meetings, all the alcoholics have to cut their own wigs in 1/2 if they have fallen off the wagon again.

Let's look at other people who had to cut their wig in 1/2 -
The person Robert palmer was singing to in "addicted to love"
Politicians regularly have to cut their wigs in 1/2 when they break promises.

Bruce Willis, in the movie "Armegeddon", had his wig cut in 1/2 when he told his daughter he would have to break the promise of coming home (scene was deleted from the final release.)

Loan sharks cut their clients' wigs in 1/2 when the loanee fails to pay on time.

So in hind sight, maybe it is justifyable.

[Alison-Mary]

Hi Smile

I love this post as it epitomises the struggle a lot of us CDers go through when battling between our intellectual and emotional sides of our being.


When in a rationale frame of mind it is very easy to consider the impact any action you take will have on those who are nearest and dearest to your heart, especially if they are not wholly comfortable with the feminine side of your nature.

However, when the emotion takes over (is this the pink fog?) and you are faced with the delicious prospect of having two beautifully silky smooth legs, by a few simple strokes of a lady shave razor, then you are in the zone, and nothing else matters.

I understand why you did this.

Does it make it right? Intellectually, probably no. Should you be forgiven, probably yes - but that would take a leap of faith and understanding from the one who loves you.

I'm sure in your subconscious you knew the consequences anyway, and this was a way to bring something out into the open, and a means to further confront the dillemas you both face.

Then again, i could be talking complete crap, in which case completely ignore - i have had a few glasses wine tonight, so who knows.

Hope it works out well.

Love
Alison

[Von]

Perhaps what she's asking of you is unacceptable to you. Maybe even impossible. You had an opportunity to weigh that before you agreed to it. She expects you to live up to the terms of the agrement, and ultimately, to your word. If she can't expect that, then what you can be counted on for becomes uncertain in her mind. Quite logically.

I certainly understand that circumstances change, and people change. At least she's given you a choice. Through your actions you'll eventually make that choice. The right answer is only for you to say. To this point it sounds like she's compromised at least as much as you have. But if you can't live without shaving you know what the consequences are. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

The real lesson is not to make promises lightly. Just my opinion.

[foofeyGG]

It would have been her choice to feel THAT betrayed. Her feelings are hers and that is fine. Walking out, if what he did was a deal breaker for her would have been a better reaction than what she wound up doing. I consider it unhealthy, abusive behavior.

If he was her kid and he broke a rule, that reaction would have been some child abuse right there and would have traumatized the poor kid -- so she treated him worse than one should treat a child.

It's their relationship, and my .02 which doesn't matter, but I thought I'd post mine. I don't think "punishments" have a place in adult relationships. He did not take her feelings into consideration and broke an agreement and she should feel disappointed and decide what she wants to do with their relationship from there, but all the dramatics is just a sign of sickness to me.

...not that it can't be repaired though.

[Pink Person]

Nicole Erin is funny and has a point. Wig cutting might be the right way to respond to many different broken promises and other bad behaviors. Parents, police officers, and the courts should incorporate this useful tactic in all of their strategies for maintaining private and public order.

Please add “Cut up his wig!” and “Lock up his clothes!” to any other exclamations you use to demand justice when other people do morally offensive things like shaving their hair or murdering someone.

[clandestine322]

I do realize their were rules but I thought the man was head of the household? LOL I wonder if anyone else here thinks that in a marriage where the man is a crossdresser the traditional role of the man running the affairs and the woman being subordinant seem to reverse?

[Kelly DeWinter]

I have to admire your candor, and taking the impromtu punishment for breaking boundries. It shows respect. That said I would be really concerend with the cutting up of the wig and taking the clothes and locking them up. It shows a anger side that needs close watching. I hope you talk before such actions are taken and you both agree on them.

Kelly

[busker]

I think what is missing here is a mutual agreement about the potential punishments that should have gone along with rules to be agreed upon. If I speed in the neighborhood, it is going to cost me 70 dollars--I know that up front--so I don't speed. Failing to have my drivers license requires only a visit to the PD. Easy fix. I do think that the "punsihment" was rather over the top for the "crime" and I have to admit I would be p....d beyond belief. It does sound a bit controlling and I think that if it doesn't resolve itself shortly by apologies all around, it could very ugly later on. What happens with mis-step no 2? Does Smile now live in fear for the next 40 years or until death do them part? . Does Smile get locked in the closet without food for a week? Doesn't sound like adult behaviour on either of their parts.
There was university professor about 40 years ago who did some experiments with people who gave"electric shock" (simulated, but they dind't know it) to those who would not obey--he lost his job as a result of the experiments but he did prove that there is an overwhelming "OBEDIENCE TO AUTHORITY" in ordinary people.. This sure reminds me of that experiment. Cutting her wig was not much different than shaving her head as a colaborator.
I don't think that that sort of SO is what I would call accepting. My opinion fwiw.
Mandrake out of water.
living without strings attached
ps having read it again, I find that the "do it agian and I'm out of here" implies that the rules have been broken before and this may not be a first offense. Did we get the whole story here? I'm not certain we did. If it were me --I'd do it again!!!!!!!!!

[KrazyKat]

I'm glad you understand what happened and love your SO and you've agreed to do what it takes.

Just to share, I could never cut up something that costs a lot of $$$$(wig) and I don't have any will power when it comes to making my SO happy, even though she always makes me out to be the "Bad Guy"!! I might talk a tough game, but I'm a marshmallow inside, especially when I see the pain in my Sweetie's eyes, the pain of not being the person they need to be.

Just to share my thoughts. Best wishes to you and yours finding common ground!!

[Satrana]

-The wig, was a cheap (£10) costume item, that did the job.
And in fairness had lost about a quarter of the hairs through brushing. So it's reall neither here nor there.

With respect Smile you are missing the point and are trying to defend the indefensible. The act of destroying someone's personal belongings in such a spiteful way is abusive and controlling. Ask a professional if you do not want to believe the members here, you will still get the same answer.

If she had made the rules without my consent and will, then you may have a point with the whole mother daughter theory.

That has got nothing to do with the rules but the way she decided she had the right to punish you which was out of all proportions with the broken rule. Again ask a professional - this is not how loving adults deal with matters.

I overstepped the mark.

Since you stated that you immediately owned up to it voluntarily and apologized for what is a minor indiscretion, you should have expected no more than a heart to heart talk about feelings and boundaries.

It's the same sentiment, youre doing something that the other partner sees as wrong within a relationship setting.

Your analogy is way off. This is about you accepting rules and punishments for things you should not have to compromise on in the first place. These are items your SO would never agree to be enforced on herself. Does she have to get your permission to re-style her hair? If you are not happy with it can you destroy her things and lock away her clothes?

If the answer is yes then the two of you are perfectly matched. If the answer is no then you need to sit down and discuss how unhealthy this reaction was. People are people, we disappoint and break rules from time to time. How you deal with this signals who you are as a person. Understanding and forgiveness is at the heart of love not vengeance.

[Tamara Croft]

You're wasting your time Satrana, Smile doesn't get it, will never get it, because it's quite obvious she likes being treated like a child... most of us can see it, so maybe one day she'll wake up and smell the roses... I just hope the wife doesn't push her to far and she lashes back in ways one wouldn't contemplate thinking about... because like the wife, you can snap, just like that.

[Michelle123]

I decided in my early 20's, that I would be upfront and honest with any woman I had a serious relationship with. I would wait a reasonable amount of time, then I would have the "talk" with them, explaining that I am cd, and that it is more of a "need" to do this, as opposed to just a desire.
I have shaved my legs since I was a teen, and I would never agree to let the hair grow back for the sake of a relationship, or any other reason.
In most cases, it woked out well. My breakups were for other reasons, or perhaps a combonation of severl reasons.
But my point is, I could never make any compromises when it comes to my crossdressing. If my girlfreind could not completely accept it, we would go our own ways. I would rather be alone than to be with someone and have to sneak around to dress, or to have limitations on my dressing.
My current situation is rather unique I think. My gf of over 10 yrs. accepts me dressing, But she relates it to more a sexual thing, and cant understand why I just like to dress in feminine things even if sex isnt involved.
I just feel more "natural" in womens clothes. She has even asked me if I wished I would have been born female, and I answer her honestly and tell her "yes", I do think I would be happier as a real woman. This confuses her of course. She has asked the usual followup questions. Like "then if you wish you were a woman, then do you also wish to be with a man"? I have explained that I do not wish to be with a male, and that if I were a woman, I would hope that I would also be lesbian.
It is all so very complicated, as we all know. And very hard I am sure for others to understand it.
But, back to the reson I responded to this thread. Bottom line is...I could never be happy with someone who doesnt FULLY accept my need to dress, anmd I would attempt to persue such a relationship.

ooops. In the end on my earlier post, I meant to say that I would NEVER attempt to persure such a relationship........