Telling my SO the truth about my CDing

[gina richards]

Is there any advice I can get on Coming out to my SO.She has been my friend and partner for 20 years now. we have been through alot of good and bad to gether. any advie on how this should be approached?

[StaceyJane]

Take a look at this thread.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=13841

[charlie]

Hello Gina!
Welcome to the forum! I hope you get as much advice and propping up as I do by coming here. If nothing else, it is just good to know that you are not the only person going through what we do. Look at Marla GG post on the front page of "male to female crossdressing" at the bottom just above the threads. She makes many great points to follow. On top of that print all the positive information that you can about crossdressing. My wife read it all and still asked questions. The fact that you have been doing this for years behind her back and not telling her about it is going to be the biggest hurdle. Tell her you know this and regret it. She will call you a liar and a hider for omitting the truth. Good luck! The truth will set you free, but it will hurt for quite awhile too! At least she did not find out, you are telling her.

[suzypier]

Hi Gina, It’s like flipping a coin. It could go very well or it could become hell. It’s the reason why so many crossdresser have decided to stay deep in the closet. Think about it before taking a decision. Suzanne

[Bonnie Lawrence]

Gina,

Suzy is absolutely correct: no one can predict how coming out to a wife/S.O. will play out. If you do choose to disclose, try to be appropriate, loving and open. The forum threads on this issue are excellent. Best wishes!

Bonnie

[wendy68]

Give it serious thought --I told my wife three years ago and last week she went to a lawyer.

[Cheryl James]

Good luck. I hope that it goes well for you. I didn't tell mine (she would have never married me). I buried my true self for the first nineteen years. She discovered my secret due to carelessness with the history on our internet browser, At that point I came clean and felt a sense of relief that she knew. Except, she hates it. Some girls are lucky, some aren't. I'm in the latter group. I hope you end up being in the former.

[pj]

Think about it before taking a decision.

Give it serious thought

I would hazard a guess that Gina has been thinking about it. For 20 years.

Just to add a positive voice, I waited 11 years, and while there was a bit of "why didn't you tell me sooner?" it wasn't that bad, and overall things turned out great.

After 20 years you should know how she feels about this kind of thing, or how open minded she is. If you think it could turn out well, trust your instincts and take the plunge.

Read the thread that StaceyJane posted a link to. As long as you're prepared to answer a lot of questions, you should be fine. You might learn something about yourself by answering her questions. I did.

[docrobbysherry]

as it does with MANY of us, Gina, I wish u luck and hope your SO is VERY understanding and accepting!

[AKAMichelle]

Good luck on telling her. Many of us have done it with success while others hit a brick wall. Hopefully yours will lead to an accepting SO.

[Sallee]

good luck I guess my advice would be to tell her you are still the same person and that CDing is part of who you are and what makes you who you are. But beyond that after the sit down is all said and done DON"T get carried away with CDing if she accepts and don't take it to extremes. Try to keep life as it was maybe your cloths can hang in the closet but don't let your life style change appreciably.

[Sandra]

Wow after 20 years, it's not going to be easy for either of you.

You have to be honest with her, tell her everything about your cding and how it affects you. Answer all her questions but if you don't know the answer then say so, don't say something because you thinks it's what she wants to hear.

Expect tears and maybe some ranting, listen to what she has to say her worries and concerns.

Maybe you could suggest that there is a private section here just for wives/partners, where we support and help each other.

Good luck

[Katesback]

After talking to a number of Wifes of CDs I can say that a recurring complaint and point of contention is not so much finding out that they are married to a CD.

The problem is that often after finding out the news the CD thinks that there is acceptance and all of a sudden the SO is being EXPOSED to the CD aspects to an extent that is FAR more than they would have imagined.

Also another topic is that the SOs come to realize (often before the CD is willing to admit) that they are ACTUALLY married to a TS woman.

I hear them saying "I married a man and that is what I want".

I always encourage people to do whatever it takes to be happy. On the other hand it is wrong to assume other people will be supportive of ones endeavors.

Katie

[Nicole Erin]

I always encourage people to do whatever it takes to be happy. On the other hand it is wrong to assume other people will be supportive of ones endeavors.

Katie

That is true, sometimes our own TG sisters seem to have it in for us.

[Shelly67]

It's the reality of communication in the most delicate , considerative manner . You've both been thru a lifetimes worths of ups and downs , good and bad . Only you truely know how you're wife , life partner will react .Perhaps if you first approached the subject , say you saw something in an article on trans / crossdresser people and gauge the reaction she will give . If you then decide to go further ....... then do it carefully , slowly and be totally honest in a calm private setting . Most importantly - LISTEN .
Please please try to see it thru her eyes - the deception , the mistrust - "why didn't he trust me enough to tell me " is the very first question that will emerge and may develope into anger . The second ...well , it'll most certainly be about meeting others ... in disbelief and rage .Your sexual preference may be put to the score too . Please believe this - no matter what the initial reaction is , there will be a multitude of questions to come if you do own up . You're gonna have to sit down , talk , and talk some more .

It becomes a painful obstacle for us all hiding ourselves away - the dreaded realization , that moment of pain has become a terrible burden of guilt . It becomes so stressful our partners certainly pick up on it . It's not meant to be a guilt sharing effort , but you could remark to her you simply cannot hide the stress away anymore , but have been living in fear of the response but need to talk .If you are now at this point , then maybe its time to act . You never know - she may already have a notion your'e up to something , be alert but in denial and fear .
I hope and pray if you do confide in her and her initial reaction isn't conflict then please please go slow . We seem rather self obsessed at times , we certainly love dressing our girlyness and all that comes with it ... But , theres times when it becomes too much - almost the only conversation point .
It doesn't mean she'll be ready to see hubby dressed straight off also. Think on . I won't ramble on anymore , but the subject is dear to me . I know only too well the way you must be feeling right now . Perhaps in light of this a gentle warning for you personally , should you decide to confront the situation : Be prepared for your own reactions . I've read a hundred times about the moment of spilling the beans ....the relief , the elation . It's like a moment of a pure adrenaline , then horror .... for me I nearly passed out .
Take care , good luck , and most importantly , take care of each other '

[Sheila]

Gina, Shelly67, has some very, very wise words in her post, (probably because they came straight from her heart having lived through the telling) reading it I could feel her fear and trepidation .

As an SO who discovered her EX partners dressing 2 1/2 years in to the relationship, I was angry yes that he had lied for so long, but I was hurt more, hurt that he claimed to love me, claimed to trust me, but hurt more so that because of my past relationship he had promised never to lie to me, but the overlying emotion was hurt, angry was a part but for a very short period, my EX is now my EX because he continued to lie (and not just about CDing), however despite all the hurt and pain, I decided to find out what dressing meant for my relationship, it took me months to come to terms with all sort & I really was okay with him dressing, I bought him stuff from the very next day, we shopped online for clothes, wigs, I bought clothes locally from charity/goodwill store, but he did push and push & push & he refused to talk, he wouldn't claiming he couldn't ............. accused me of trying to trick him by asking the same question several different ways ........... I did, but only because I did not feel he was giving truthful, complete answers (he wasn't I later found out ), so when you tell, be HONEST from here on in, don't be amazed if one day she hates it all, & the next is fine with it, or one day can cope with one thing that she hates the next, but is okay the following, this ride is not called a roller coaster for nothing.

There may be things you want/need to do with your body and she won't want you to do them ............. many will tell you it is your body, you have the right to do with it what you will, claiming "how would she like it if you insisted she grew her hair long, used certain creams & potions & perfumes everyday etc etc" ....... you haven't for the past 20 years, why should you alter that noe, and for the past 20 years she has got used to seeing the you, you have been visually presenting as, she will probably have a million thoughts running through her head for some time, one of them being "how did I not see this in the person I love ?, how did I fail to notice ?", she will be looking long and hard at you, your relationship, but as importantly herself.

You have known for many many years, please give her time to learn & come to terms with, what is for her a major new development & even person in her marriage (yes I know it is yours as well, she may never be comfortable with this, she may, she may never accept this or she may be completely accepting, many say that you are the same person you always were, she just now knows the whole you, for her she may feel she never really knew you at all & the well meant but hurtful phrase we often here is "IF SHE LOVES YOU, SHE WILL ........... !!!!!!!!!", this is not about, if she loves you, .... she does love the you she thought she knew, the one she has lived with for 20 years, but like I said ,she may well feel she never knew you at all .

I wish you both the very best, & when you tell her perhaps tell her about the site here & the FAB forum where she can come and talk to other SO's, some who have just discovered like her, some who have been with tg partners for a very long time, this is not the end of the world, but she may very well feel (even if for a very short time), that it is the end of her world as she once knew it, be gentle with her and yourself

[ReineD]

I also highly recommend Marla's advice that Stacey Jane suggested in Post #2. Read all the links in the bottom of her post as well.

Also, given the fact that you've been married all this time without your wife knowing, you will need to be sensitive to her potential feelings of having lost trust in you. Please do be patient, consider her point of view, and don't progress with the CDing too quickly.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

[Tracy_Victoria]

I think after 20 years no matter how you tell your wife it going to shock her to her boots. However only you know your wife!

your going to need to judge her general view of what we do, ie is she a constructive sort of person when people cross the boundaries of the norm, or does she tend to view them with scorn.

After 20 years you should know your wife, but there again she should know you and she clearly doesn't, so slowly and judging her feeling would probably better that hitting her sqaurely between the eyes with the whole package in one, without testing the water first.

It's not being deceptive, it being considerate, but you'll probably need to decide to tell her all in the end, or nothing ie if it has been a total secret for 20 years it will be a hell of a shock to her most likely, or she may have ideas but has never said anything, either way, you will be asked why, and as all the GG will tell you, honest open answers are always best. But as some TV will tell you, opening the door to some, has been heaven, to some it been hell. for me I told my partner before we got serious, and being honest nearly 17 years later my dressing is still in no mans land, ie Raksha understand it part of me, and what makes me, me, but ive probably dressed in front of her, less that five times.

Only you can choose which way you go, but either way, it will be a up and down rollercoster ride for both of you, with an ending decided by both, not just you.

[StaceyJane]

On other thing I might add is that I came out to my wife only after finding out that she had already know for about a year.
She said she figured I would tell her when I was ready.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I found honesty works best, with a large dose of telling her how much you love her and trust her with your secret.

[Bethany38]

Gina, there has been a whole lot of good advice given here. I do advise caution on how you approach the conversation. I can say I am one of the few people here who have had a good reaction from their wife/so. I came out to her seven years ago after eight years of marriage. I thank god that she has been a kind and supportive Wife.

[Tomara]

Hi Gina
The only thing I would like to add to all of the above information is to be 100% honest with her , take your time and answer all of her question honestly and openly.
I wish you the best of luck.
Tomara