When is it going to far?

[Lucy_Bella]

I was chatting online with my wife last night, a girl I was was seeing came up in our conversation. As some of you may know I am seperated from my wife and she is starting to come around again.
The girl I was seeing was at one time seeing women, my wife brought up how this girl dressed like a man, I really didn't think she did. So it brought up the crossdressing subject ..
I explained to her, dressing up for some doesn't relate to sexual preferance and I had no room to judge this girl ..She thought this girl was trying to emulate a man ,I'm sorry she was short built like a woman and how can I say this? The way she dressed was just her choice and had nothing to do with wanting to be a man.. I know for a fact she didn't want to be a man.

I wish my wife would be more opened to this subject, she grabs onto stereo type beliefs and so fast to pass judgement ..How can you get someone to understand when they have a one tract mind?

[~Michelle~]

If you can't convince her and on top of that, she has no urge to do some of her own research, then you're basically out of luck and she will never be convinced. It has often to do with a person's character, some people are quite insecure and just don't like to hear or find out that they are wrong.

[docrobbysherry]

You're separated from your wife, and NOW you're trying to, "---make her understand"?

If u care THAT much, why r u separated?

[Lucy_Bella]

You're separated from your wife, and NOW you're trying to, "---make her understand"?

If u care THAT much, why r u separated?

No Doc ..I can't make anyone understand...This goes way back and has alot to do with having to stay in the closet while married to her cause she never wanted to deal with it.. I never hid the fact I cd'd she was just never accepting of it. I told her if we where going to try and work things out she needs to understand that cding is a part of my life..

[tinalynn]

She grabs on to stereotypes and doesn't listen with an open mind simply because she doesn't want to. She doesn't understand what you're trying to tell her, or do any research on her own, simply because she doesn't want to. All of that should tell you that she won't change her opinion.

It appears that you're trying to work it out with her and insist on being open about CD'ing, which is good. But if she won't listen - or care enough about you to be open about it - then move on. You're already separated, why go back to a situation you admit wasn't working for you?

[eluuzion]

I wish my wife would be more opened to this subject, she grabs onto stereo type beliefs and so fast to pass judgement ..How can you get someone to understand when they have a one tract mind?

Knowledge and Understanding are two entirely different things.

Understanding and Acceptance are two entirely different things.

A "one trac mind" is often the way a person describes another person who is not responsive to efforts to change their current position or beliefs. It is often a case of two credible, but opposite stances on the same issue. It is not always a competition to determine right or wrong. It is many times a discovery of incompatibility that cannot be resolved. Each partner must decide on their own if they can live happily with the difference, or it is critical enough to end the relationship.

Each one should respect the other's beliefs. Sometimes that results in separation. If one is unhappy, the other will be by default. So logic suggests that both should seek happiness...on different paths. (not a decision to make without exhaustive efforts to find compromise first).

just my opinion...

[Sheila]

Lucy from having read your previous posts while your wife knows and accepts (to a degree) that this is part of who you are, I think it may be a case for her that knowing and living with are going to continue to be two different things, sometimes love in itself is just not enough to continue in a relationship, this may be end up being the case in your relationship

[SheriM]

Hi Lucy,
There are many who have ingrained feelings about certain things.
If one has sexual issues or is transgendered or a crossdresser.
There is often no attempt to understand.
The classic example is the feeling towards gays - as in "He's a fag"
It's unfair and even cruel. I don't believe that gay people "choose" to be gay. Being gay is a product of genes or environment or whatever but it's not a consious choice. There are many people that are very critical without ever trying to understand or even realize how hurtful their words actually are.

The same can be said for crossdressers, at least to some degree. I don't choose to have the urge to crossdress and thus don't choose to be a crossdresser.

For those that don't make an attempt to understand, it is fortunate that they were born "normal".

I hope one day that your wife will understand and realize that being different is not "bad" - and there are many that are "different" and depending on your vantage point - different is normal.

[AKAMichelle]

I fought this one for years with my wife. Everything is Black or White. Gray is only shades of Black and White. I am shaking my head as I am writing this in disbelief that I did this for so long. My wife will never understand and I have accepted anything in my life which differs from her perspective. So I am preparing to file for divorce in July after I get back in town from a business trip.

I wouldn't rush things with another girlfriend. You need the time alone after a divorce to heal and re-find yourself. When married you become defined as "US" and it takes a long time to become "ME" again. Take the time and you won't jump from one frying pan to another.

Plus the head games from the wife will always be there until you get yourself straightened out and quit rethinking your decisions. Until you quit thinking you might have made a mistake then you are going to stay on the roller coaster. Get off and find yourself. Then and only then you will know the right decision.

[Lucy_Bella]

I fought this one for years with my wife. Everything is Black or White. Gray is only shades of Black and White. I am shaking my head as I am writing this in disbelief that I did this for so long. My wife will never understand and I have accepted anything in my life which differs from her perspective. So I am preparing to file for divorce in July after I get back in town from a business trip.

I wouldn't rush things with another girlfriend. You need the time alone after a divorce to heal and re-find yourself. When married you become defined as "US" and it takes a long time to become "ME" again. Take the time and you won't jump from one frying pan to another.

Plus the head games from the wife will always be there until you get yourself straightened out and quit rethinking your decisions. Until you quit thinking you might have made a mistake then you are going to stay on the roller coaster. Get off and find yourself. Then and only then you will know the right decision.

Yeah AKA,
I know you feel the pain..It's been over two years for me on this seperation..Shelia Thanks and I agree..I feel as if I am carring dead weight with me when it comes to her..It's like a never ending nightmare. She comes on like she is good with it , then does the ole 180 and I fall for it everytime..

Maybe I am desperate for ..wel to be loved , or be in love..

[linnea]

I don't think that there is a single answer to this question, but I think that for most people going slowly is the best approach. It's hard for some people to process ideas that are very different from their usual thinking, so they fall back to the safety of cliches, stereotypical ideas and images, and social mores that are very traditional. That's a hard combination to affect.

[Joanne f]

It is always possible that by your wife trying to understand this girl and the way she dresses and her sexuality may have something to do with subconsciously trying to understand you more without her directly thinking that she read you wrong on why you need to do it .

[Virgin_CD]

Personally, It sounds like a big manipulation to me, her difficulty" in understanding and her "Working" you keeping you on the defense. I was seeing a marriage and family counsellor with my exwife once and she said to start answering my spouses EXCESSIVE questions and arguements with because I felt like it! It was one question after another and I was totally defensive trying to appease her and it gets to a point where they don't deserve infinite answers. Esp if there is stuff that she can do on her own to discover, and she isn't interested in doing that. And even that would be ok if she just took stuff on faith that an answer will become apparent later, or if she just "took it in stride". WOmen are famous for this sort of manipulation technique and I am not saying she is evil or doing it on purpose, knowingly, but it is a bad habit that you must both work to break. If she doesn't want to inquire and show genuine interest in understanding CD, than I wouldn't waste my time trying to hard to explain it all yourself. It's bad attention (and it's better than no attention?). I was in a gay bar a few weeks ago, accross the street from my hotel and I struck up a conversation with a lovely woman that admitted she was lesbian, with a rare male encounter. So I fessed up as being a CD. Her eyes lit up and she told me that CD's make the BEST lovers and relationships because they are intouch with their fem side, feelings, better communicators, etc... And she (debbi) was gorgeious a thin Sandra Bullock... I'd have bought her home but I am faithfully married. But we had a wonderful conversation. Her love of CD's is not uncommon and I have heard that sentiment coming from several women. Your wife is LUCKY... lucky you are not the A type that beats the wife every now and again, or Gay and not interested in the female form, or a rapist, child molester, homicidal, scizophrenis, dyslecic... and so on... SHE IS LUCKY and her vasilating back n forth is just BAD behavior. Hey, you want a date with Debbi? If I were a single man, I would start dating lesbians for this very reason. Find a sexy feminine les and she will love you dressing up and your fem side and her enjoying each other... going out together (to lesbian bars?).