Confussion, both gender and issue...

[CdChloe]

Hey everyone,

my SO seems to not realise what it really means to me to CD. She seems to think it's a sexual thing because I mainly do it when I try to meet up with other CD TG girls and guys, that's not the case. For me it's more a comfort thing, I feel more comfortable in feminine attire, and as for meeting or using dating sites to meet others like me, it's that I would feel more comfortable with them because I know that they are the same ad won't ridicule me.

My SO is accomidating of my dressing, but has said before that there are more times when she needs me to be her husband and that sometimes she just doesn't want to see me. Lately I've tried to dress more, I rarely dress anyway, and she has told me again that she is ok with it. But I can't tell whether she is just saying it to make me feel better or whether it's one of those times where she feels wierded out by it.

She says it turns her on a little bit, and I know that's true, but as I said how do I know it's not one of the times that she feels repulsed by it, in effect by me? I refuse to ask persmission to be myself. Even if at times I get messed up and caught up in the opposite side of the coin where I even put myself down!

I know I'm not the only one who does this an I apologised to everyone I've never met or even have met for the things I think about us sometimes but I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels like that sometimes.

[Kathi Lake]

Chloe,

Communication is the key. If she says she is all right with it, and you're getting signals that she's not. Talk!

If she says she is not all right with it, talk!

Keep it open. Keep it honest. Give her her man when she wants (that is what she signed up for, by the way), and be the girl when you can.

Keep on loving her. Oh, and did I mention the whole talking thing?

Welcome, by the way!



Kathi

[sissystephanie]

Welcome to our family, Chloe. We are a large group with many ideas!

The point that Kathi made about communicating is probably the best idea for you at this time. Talk to you wife, and then talk some more. Honest communication between husband and wife, or between man and SO, is necessary for any relationship to endure.

Stay on the Forum, and maybe get your wife to also come online.

[ChloesWife]

Think it's pretty obvious who I am I just wanted to clear some things up, since it's so hard to talk about it face-to-face (for him, not me) and this seems to be the only way we can communicate openly (which I hate, by the way)

my SO seems to not realise what it really means to me to CD. She seems to think it's a sexual thing because I mainly do it when I try to meet up with other CD TG girls and guys, that's not the case. For me it's more a comfort thing, I feel more comfortable in feminine attire, and as for meeting or using dating sites to meet others like me, it's that I would feel more comfortable with them because I know that they are the same ad won't ridicule me.

Well this is news to me. It wasn't a case of me thinking it was a sexual thing. You told me it was. Maybe things have changed now, but you never told me. We have to communicate more, bubby.

My SO is accommodating of my dressing, but has said before that there are more times when she needs me to be her husband and that sometimes she just doesn't want to see me.

The first part is true. There are times when I would prefer my husband to just be my husband. Sometimes I just need some "normality" (whatever that is) and I won't hide that. However, I have never said that I don't want to see you and I'm offended that you would think so.

Lately I've tried to dress more, I rarely dress anyway, and she has told me again that she is ok with it. But I can't tell whether she is just saying it to make me feel better or whether it's one of those times where she feels wierded out by it.

I already told you that I'm saying it because I mean it. If you feel more comfortable in ladies' clothes, then do it! If I feel uncomfortable (again, I won't lie and say it doesn't happen), I'll tell you and we'll work out how I can deal with that. I'll take myself away so you can be you, I won't force you to get changed. If you show yourself to me more, I'll get even more comfortable with it.

She says it turns her on a little bit, and I know that's true, but as I said how do I know it's not one of the times that she feels repulsed by it, in effect by me? I refuse to ask persmission to be myself. Even if at times I get messed up and caught up in the opposite side of the coin where I even put myself down!

I will never be repulsed by you, stinky feet and all You don't have to ask permission. You don't even have to let me know beforehand!

I know I'm not the only one who does this an I apologised to everyone I've never met or even have met for the things I think about us sometimes but I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels like that sometimes.

...we need to work on your spelling and grammar

Thanks everyone for watching us air our problems in public

[Tasha McIntyre]

Thanks everyone for watching us air our problems in public

Well, hopefully this will trigger an honest and open discussion at your house this evening.

Let's hope any follow up posts are full of positives

Good luck

Tash

[SarahLynn]

stinky feet can be cured. Wash every day, more often if possible, use desonex powder on feet and in shoes. Change shoes at least three times a day. wear white cotton socks if you must wear socks, and forget about the fashion thing when it comes to dressing for business it's important to keep the feet clean and oder free.

SarahLynn

[Stephanie Miller]

We are here for the two of you - however that may be. And if it's helps for the two of you to communicate via the site by all means do it!
But if it bothers either one of you ( hint, hint to Cloeswife ) then maybe the two of you should get separate e-mail accounts and e-mail back and forth. Some people just have an easier time writing their thoughts more-so than face to face.
However it happens keep communication doors open!

[joann426]

Y YES I WAS ALSO THOUGHT MY WIFE WAS OK WITH MY DRESSING TO UNTIL SHE SAID (I WANT A DIVORCE ) BUT SHE COULDNT DIVORCE ME CAUSE I DRESSED ONLY BECAUSE SHE AND I WAS INCAPABALE AFTER 35 YEARS AND NOW I AM A FREE WO MAN IT IS IN THE AIR I KNOW ALOT OF UE IS GETTING ONE SO BE CAREFUL

[ReineD]

Welcome, Chloe & wife! (ChloesWife, we need to work on a proper name just for you )

Honestly, I think this little thread should be made a sticky, if only to illustrate the difference between what she says and what he hears. lol. Believe me, the two of you are NOT alone in getting your wires crossed. Kathi's suggestion to find ways to communicate effectively is of prime importance in any marriage, but especially when it involves crossdressing. Unfortunately, oftentimes the CD feels reluctant to discuss things in great detail, for fear of spooking his wife.

At any rate, I think you're both off to a good start, and ChloesWife, good on you for coming here to spell things out and set them right. And Chloe, do resign yourself to answering all her questions, even if they are asked more than once. If you don't know the answer to a particular question, that's OK too. You can always get back to it. But you live inside your own skin so you understand yourself perfectly, but most of us GGs have no clue how to even begin understanding our CD partners. We've only just known binary gender all our lives, and it is hard to understand the motives, needs, and desires of CDs. So when communication between couples is not adequate, it's easy for the GG to fill in the blanks by herself with all kinds of stories that may or may not be true based on things she's picked up from other CDs in this or other similar forums.

ChloesWife, you should join FAB (click the link under my signature for details and the procedure). FAB is a great place to get support from other wives.

Welcome to you both!

[Kathi Lake]

Chloe'sWife,

Thank you so much for "muddling through" as your user title says. That you care enough to actually try and muddle through, rather than giving up (or giving in), speaks volumes on your love for your spouse.

I have learned that communication is one of the most important things when this rears its head in a marriage. Not only for the information that each of you gain about yourself and your partner, but for the closeness and honesty that a marriage requires.

As Reine said (and this woman is a Godsend to us!), understand that he may not have the answers you need right now. Accept that, but never stop gently pushing Chloe to do whatever it takes - introspection, being honest with himself, or whatever it takes - to find those answers and then communicate them to you.

You also need to understand that this is new to him - the lack of secrecy, that is. For so many years, society has told us to bury this part of ourselves, to fear it, to be ashamed of it. Learning to talk about it is hard.

As others have offered, let me also add my pledge of support. Many of us have already "been there" and would love to share what worked for us, what didn't, and also our support for you both. It's a wonderful community that you've joined. We hope you feel welcomed!

Kathi

[Tina2]

Chloe's wife,

Thank you for posting.

My wife is accepting of me, but I have this fear that she is repulsed by it (and by proxy me) and she only tolerates it because she loves me.

The fact is I am very uncomfortable with my own desires to CD. I love CDing but I hate that I love it.

My main goal is to just become comfortable with my own feelings.

[Joanne f]

Hello Chloe,
and welcome, well at least this has highlighted one every important thing in a relationship and that is Communication is the key to understanding each other and your reasons for contacting others are quite normal and any other thoughts you both might have i am sure many have thought of them as well so you will not be the only one doing that , when we find ourselves in a new situation and are very unsure of things it can be hard to trust what someone else is saying but a little faith is sometimes needed, i myself went through a long period where i thought my wife was just saying that she accepted it and when i asked "how do i know that " she said the only way i can prove that is by time , and time has proved that , so communication is the answer and it is quite often that by doing that we find things out about each other that can make a relationship a bit more exciting (if that is the right word) at times providing it is done sensibly .
Anyway it sounds like you are both sorting things out which is good to hear .

[joanieb]

I guess the only way to know her truths is to have faith in her words.

I'm sorry, but I have read both sides of this and well. I think you are blessed to have a woman in your life that is willing to give you a life that you can be happy in. One common womanly traight is often making their man happy, She is happy making you happy. Try and recipricate some of that back to her, even if there are moments when you think she is uncomfortable, you have the power to change that by being simpathetic to her needs at the moment. We all do the best we can. Unfortunately sometimes our head doesn't want to play a game a certain way. Understanding that you aren't the soul proprietor of your life when you are in a realtionship is the majic that binds that relationship (it's true on either side of that relationship)

In my opinon, when you are involved in a relationship / partnership, your attentions should be prioritized so the relationship / partnership does not become underminded by ones activities outside of the partnership. Yes, you should have time for yourself to do the things you enjoy and if there are a group of girls you like to hang with great! But don't make them more important then your SO. It to me appears that you have.
One should never go outside of a realtionship if there are holes that will eventually be filled with hurt and frustration. You have to be honest with the lady that loves you. If you can't you are throwing away any chance at a life long love. People put up with so much expecting only a little in return for so long, and then they move on to something better. Your choice.

[DonniDarkness]

I just had to say, "AWWWWW"

Hey to you two!

Listen, when my wife and i have stuff that is hard to say to each other we sit in the same room and text message each other.
its silly but sometimes its hard to say but much easier to type, and the best part is that you dont have to answer right away.
it also give you time to collect your thoughts about what you are asked/discussing

Chloeswife,
Its sometimes hard for us guys who have "guy modes" to admit things even to ourselves. Chloes forum communication to you shouldnt discourage you, but rather think of it this way; it breaks the ice for future discussions and communication between the two of you. What may be first said in text may later be a great personal discussion.

Chloe,
"Own it, sistah"....and for love of god keep comunicating with your hunny. Be confident and be yourself.

Looking at a great start between 2 ppl,
-Donni-

[Diane Elizabeth]

Yes, it can be hard for us to say what we feel. It is ingrained from an early age that "men" don't show our true emotions (except anger). I have trouble saying what is in me to my SO. Texting is a great idea. I use e mail, myself.

[docrobbysherry]

The GOOD news is, that u BOTH seem capable of the kind of constant deep discussions and compromises necessary to make your marriage work! Chloe's dressing is simply ONE issue of the MANY you'll have to deal with, if u wish to remain together!

The BAD news is, once u feel you've worked out an important issue satisfactorily, you'll find conditions, or your partner, have changed!
Unfortunately, that will require that U BOTH continue to talk and re-negotiate the thorny issues between u! Because people and relationships r CONSTANTLY CHANGING!

As long as BOTH of u r willing to do that, your partnership will remain healthy!
However, when ONE of u gets tired of dealing with these issues, you're BOTH DONE!

Been there, done THAT!

[Ameli]

Thanks to both of you for posting your feelings here. Its been helpful for both me and my wife as we have similar issues to the ones you two are talking about in this thread. Its nice to know that we aren't alone with these feelings. Its inspiring to us! thanks.

Dianna

[CdChloe]

You're welcome Dianna. I'm not sure about you but personally I find it hard to express my feelings face to face, Which is why both this thread and the main one from my wife in the "loved ones" section came to be

[Jenny Doolittle]

Wow! I feel like the proverbial "Fly on the Wall"

Hi to both Chloe and Chloe's wife.

Glad you are both talking Kind of.

I guess I have just one observation, this is how I feel and imagine that it is the same for others. I like to dress in the clothes of the opposite gender. It is not something I just turn on and off. The feelings within are always there and don't change and that is what is driving a person to dress. Dressing is the outward result of a female gene I have within myself.

Sure I can dress in the clothes of a particular gender, but it doesn't change how I feel inside.

I also am a firm believer in communication, No matter how you do it.

[Annaliese2010]

...I try to meet up with other CD TG girls and guys...meeting or using dating sites to meet others like me...

My SO is accomidating of my dressing...she has told me again that she is ok with it.

She says it turns her on a little bit, and I know that's true

She sounds pretty cool to me. I don't get what the problem is, actually. She's already compromising in a huge way and apparantly has trust in you by the way she's giving you the freedom to: meet up with other CD TG girls and guys...using dating sites. I mean...wow that's amazing, she must really care for you and your happiness.

So...I woould respectfully suggest that you just compromise back. Sometimes be your girly side, other times be your guy inside - in fact, most of the time be the guy she says she needs unless you can't, in which case there's a real problem cuz she won't get what she needs and you'll feel uncomfortable about doing what you need.

Ok...so now...not just from the pov of this specific CD-issue thingy, but in a much more general sense: How significant IS her happiness to you?

No offense meant by the asking, and I'm no expert beleive me, or maybe in a sense I am. See...I'm pretty much on the fence, or more to the point, on the outside looking in (hence, objective) when it comes to just about everything considered everyday-normal, to wit, marriage, family relations and friends.

So my 2 cents worth is: Sometimes the big pic can become overshadowed by some specific intense issue like this. That happens simply because we are.after all, as 'they' say "just human". And when that happens one can lose sight of the basic facts such as "I love my wife and she loves me, and I sure don't want to hurt her"; "Though we have our differences, she is the most important person to me"; "Because she's so sweet and so giving, I sometimes forget I need her as much as she needs me, cuz when I come to think of it, it's one big bad scary mfcin world out there, and to be all alone, really truly alone, as would be the case if she left me, would really truly to-the-core-OF-me suck!".

Thus, not only for her but your own safety and security, emotional stability and mutual happiness, it makes a great deal of sense to thoughtfully consider the following re(duh)ndancy: Compromise Fairly.

[Ameli]

I think that is really wise advice Annaliese. I think if we all give everything that we can and only take what we need, we could all be really happy. Enjoy the day.

Dianna

[Naomi Rayne]

I did not read the responses attached to this and i am sure what i am about to say most people before me have said but i am hoping i can help in some way.

Talking is the key to all of this. Having an explanation for her and being able to back that explanation up with actions is very very important. For instance you mentioned something about her needed you to be her husband. Clothes are just clothes and you are her husband no matter what you a dressed in and she needs to see that just as much as you need to show her that you can give her the same care and love that you always have even if you are dressed.

Talking was the main key for me and my SO. I still give our communication and my way of showing her things credit for why things work out well for us even though i CD and it was something she never experienced before and had to get used to.

[CdChloe]

Clothes are just clothes and you are her husband no matter what you a dressed in and she needs to see that just as much as you need to show her that you can give her the same care and love that you always have even if you are dressed.

I don't share your idea there the clothes and how I wear them to me very much define who I am as Chloe.

[ReineD]

Chloe, I think Lola was saying that you can be her husband even when you are expressing Chloe. I mean, you love her just the same no matter how you're dressed?

[CdChloe]

Yes I do