same ole stuff

[Brooke Ashley]

i posted this on the teen forum, but id also like to just see what any of you more experienced ladies had to say as well .

well you've probably heard it a million times and certainly a few times from me. but right now, im just so lost and confused. like this feeling im experiencing, its like i feel trapped and annoyed. its hard to describe, maybe some of you have faced it before. i just really dont know what to do anymore. i havent dressed (even put on undies) in so long and its mainly for the reason that my parents know and dont like the idea of crossdressing. since this is, i feel guilty just thinking about doing it. idk why either. i mean right now the urge to dress is slowly killing me as i keep holding back. im sure the level of urgentness will go away eventually and ill be fine where i am again. but i honestly dont want to keep living this way. its like every time this happens i die a little more. yes, i could just go dress and be done with it. but i dont think that will solve anything really. just doing it wont help. what i really need is just that acceptance that if say i wear a cami and some short shorts to knock around in in the house. the worst part is, i dont think it will ever happen, the acceptance that is. to add on to that, its just so hard, because you either put up with keeping it away to make your family function like old times and just suffer yourself or you make yourself happy and thus making the people you love around you unhappy. yes, i know that in the end you gotta do whats best for you. but thats also my dilema, i love my family so much, i dont want to hurt them. so for now im just sucking it up and trying to keep it hidden. but i really dont know how much longer i can last. anyway, really really needed to rant and get some of this off my chest. thanks for listening to all my ramble :P

[Mikaela]

I don't want this to sound dismissive, but you are young. At this point in your life, aside with everything else we go through, your identity is still tied to your family life. Often, there comes a time of independence and then of settling down to a relationship or marriage, and then another time of independence (divorce, widow, etc).

For now, you live in their house, sp you probably need to live by their rules. You are also in West Virginia, so that's indicative of regional mindset, too. (As a former Marylander, we just assumed you were all related)

If you don't have their support, when you are able to move out, you do your own thing. If you can do it now, do it now, too. Until then, it sucks because the reality is you may never have their acceptance and if you wait for that, you may be waiting a long time. On the other hand, if you don't ask for it, you may be waiting longer.

I'm not religious, so for me, the point in living is to live. I don't look for support from my family in this, or my career, or my hobbies. If they do, great! But I don't force myself to live like they want me to. If I did, I'd be a doctor, with a wife, 2 kids, live on the same street as them, and a bunch of other horsecrap.

Your family, like it or not, raised you to be you AND to be better than them. Most parents want better for their kids than they had. They can either accept and support your choices, and give you a hand when you slip in life, or they can fail at their parenting. Either way, I don't see how that is your fault if you 'hurt' them. If that does hurt them, F them.

I live on opposite sides of the country from my parents. It has its downsides, but it has its pluses, too.

Good luck Brooke.

[sterling12]

You are nineteen? OK, have you come up with A Plan to achieve Independence? That Plan almost always involves getting an education, via college or learning a quality trade that will let you earn some MONEY! Then, you can rent an Apartment, and earn enough to buy clothing, food, and wheels.

Trust me, unless your Parents are really sick, they want you to achieve this Goal! No (Sane) Parent wants to actually see their kid hangin' around The House at thirty-five. But, unless you get a Plan, you just might be that person!

Whom Brooke will become? You just don't know, until you achieve Independence. So, the sooner you get started, The Better! A year, two years, ten years, it probably seems like an eternity at your age....it isn't. If you doubt, do nothing, and watch how quickly The Time passes you by.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[DonniDarkness]

I come from a household where religion reigns supreme, when i was growing up, i was required to do ALL things with the family...this included church 3 times a week, despite the fact the i did not believe in the same things they did.

I was goth/punk and into metal music at 14, and i was living with the epitome of the southern baptist paper doll family. I was not accepted for that, i was told i was a sinner, headed for hell, and made to feel guilty for not being the same as the other kids.....and all this without even telling them that i am BI-sexual and a crossdresser......which they are still clueless to.

My step-mother and i still fight and argue to this day and i am going to be 31 next month. She still has a hard time accepting me for who i am, how i raise my family, where i live, who i befriend.....everything......hell, she even burned my sketchbook full of drawings and poetry on the basis that it was (and i quote) "a demonic conduit".

However, i stood up to my mom a few times when she pushed me too hard in HER direction. Stood my ground, civil, and respectful.

If your parents know of your crossdressing and are not accepting, then you have to stand up for "YOU"....respectfully

I share my story not to discourage you, but to give you another perspective into acceptance.

Like i said we still argue about many things, but she has eventually accepted that i will always be different from her.
We love each other and support each other even in things we do not agree with. And that is because we love each other.

Your family loves you and wants to see you be the best you, even if they do not agree with your path, they will support you if your making positive ground. I know this now, because i am a father.......a wicked cool rocker dad too i might add

Try not to be "Woe is me" about your dilemma, make some goals for yourself, because at 19 you dont have long left hunny; youll be out of the house before you know it.

And thats the part where you "live life according to you"

So kiddo, chin up, chest out, and put "some bass in your walk"

if you need any help or advice on things feel free to PM me

-Donni-

[AKAMichelle]

You may not like the advice, but here it comes. I think you need to get along as you must until you finish school and get a job that allows you to move out. You are lucky in many ways because you accept that you are a cd'er early in life. Many of us denied it until we were in our 40's or 50's. Part of our life was missed because we hide it from everyone. The hiding even cost many of us our marriages. So you have a chance to write your own history. Now yes it is hard now, but everything worth while is difficult to achieve. That makes achieving it so much more enjoyable because you made it that far.

Life is a journey and you should find ways to get through it the best that you can. Putting it in the closet until you finish school and move out is probably necessary in your case. but that leaves the rest of your life to be you in a way that many of us never knew. This will give you the motivation to finish growing up so you can be yourself. Your parents will just have to deal with who you become after you move out. That may be the only time that you get any level of acceptance from them.

[Kathi Lake]

Brooke,

Yes, many of us more experienced, seasoned, and - dare I say it - "older" members do indeed know exactly what you are going through. The need, the desire, the pressure - all signs that you are not living like you feel you should. It will get worse. It will get better.

Like others have said, you live in their house and by their rules. Unless you're willing to push the issue, this is the way it will be until you leave home. Out of respect for your family though, you are taking "the high road" and not dressing. All you are doing is making their lives easier at the expense of your own happiness. This is a noble thing to do, and shows the love you obviously have for your family.

I would remove the "guilt" part entirely from your mind, though. Although it may be strange or odd in their eyes, in your heart you know that you're doing nothing wrong or worthy of that guilt.

Hang on, little sister! There will come a time when you can do what you want, when you want. Until that time, continue to live within the "confines" of your family.

Kathi

[Debb]

OK so you asked us "more experienced" ladies for advice .. here goes:

You are so lucky, to be 19 years old and at least semi-comfortable with the word(s) "crossdresser". As Michelle says above, many of us denied or hid ourselves from ourselves until we were in our 40s or later. I'm one of those, I only began accepting myself around 40 years of age.

My folks, who I love dearly, assume that if you're a crossdresser, you're gay ... and that's Bad with a capital "B".

Keep in mind, being accepted for who you are is a two-way street. You don't have to just "put up" with your parents, you have to accept them. For the past nineteen years, they've had a son in their house, and "son" means certain things, like it or not ... as in, sons don't wear camis / short shorts around the house.

Yes, this is a stereotype, and for us a very hurtful stereotype. But it is something you gotta deal with.

Your parents can make you feel shame like nobody else on this earth can. It's up to you, though, to accept the shame, or to reject the shame and convince your parents through your actions that you're still the same wonderful person, no matter whether you're wearing a cami or a muscle shirt.

It's damn hard to do this, but I really want to emphasize that you are in a good position here. Your parents *know*, and that's HUGE. It's a huge burden to carry around, knowing that you can't be yourself around your parents, even at 48 years of age, and that's a burden you don't have to carry. The burden is fear.

An old saying from my military days: Pain is fear leaving the body. You're in pain now, and dealing with pain takes a few steps: you maybe take some ibuprofen, stretch those muscles, hydrate, and get back up there again.

So go ahead, stretch those muscles, just try to do it non-offensively. Maybe get a t-shirt or two (from the girl's section) to wear around the house... wear ear rings... low-key nail polish, maybe some lip gloss (not colored, maybe flavored). Keep all your facial hair shaved. There is a middle ground between keeping it like old times, and being openly confrontational.

Affirm to yourself, many times a day, that you can do this.

You can do this.

[DonnaT]

i feel trapped and annoyed. its hard to describe, maybe some of you have faced it before. i just really dont know what to do anymore. i havent dressed (even put on undies) in so long and its mainly for the reason that my parents know and dont like the idea of crossdressing. since this is, i feel guilty just thinking about doing it. idk why either. i mean right now the urge to dress is slowly killing me as i keep holding back. im sure the level of urgentness will go away eventually and ill be fine where i am again. but i honestly dont want to keep living this way. its like every time this happens i die a little more. yes, i could just go dress and be done with it. but i dont think that will solve anything really. just doing it wont help. what i really need is just that acceptance that if say i wear a cami and some short shorts to knock around in in the house.

I was born and raised in WV!

First, quit feeling guilty. You didn't ask to be transgendered. What is just is.

Second, just like a pressure cooker, you have to let off steam or you'll blow your top. Take the time, when available, to dress and relax a bit. OK, so it's not going to solve everything, but at least you'll be less stressed.

if that doesn't help, then

Third, either move out or sit down and have a heart to heart talk with one or both of your parents.