Its getting more intencenad much harder to deal with...

[Myojine]

So lately by lately i mean the last 6months, ive been having my gender depression swings as usual except ive noticed a drastic change in them, and possibly alarming.

each and every time i would swing into a depression i would cry my eyes out write a suicide note that i would never finish, wake up the next morning and then a few days later i was happy again. vented the bottled up emotions, and went on my way to do it all again the next swing.
the usual Up down like the heart beat moniter in a hospitle. but then something started to happen... i would swing in to my lows like usuall except each time it would take longer to come back up and my mood has never gotten back up, getting lower and lower each time.
the intencity of the depression is getting stronger and im having a very hard time controlling it like i used to, as some may have read, last month i let slip that i was a transgender to my military unit. even though the peopel that know are willing to help... i still feel like utter shit and like they look at me completely different now. and even small things that didnt bother me before are starting to weigh on my mind and hurt alot more then they used to.
The forum that i moderate for is very well away of my transgender status and i always take a female stand point, identifing as a lesbien, and i get constantly harassed for it there.
a recent post

theres a bunch of these floating around now, observe.

I have observed more of those Myojine. Unfortunately for you, though, you aren't one of them. Preference for being called a "she" rather than "he" doesn't change that fact and scalpels don't change your nature. Just the reflection in the mirror and the formalities at the gates. But in the end, you are still a dude who likes girlie anime (some very...young...depictions no less) and a penchant for broadcasting "Transgender" all over the forums in your sig as if this is a Pride forum. Just facts man. BTW...fixed your typo. :roll: .

As for "girl gamers"....hahaha. 95% of gamers are male. 95% of all "female" avatars are male. Oddly enough that is an exact ratio that says girls aren't really high on gaming these days.

it cuts pretty deep...

im currently in the process of getting help via military insitution(because the suicide word got thrown in) but im not sure what they can do to help, i mean i need to see a gender specialist who is just going to tell me to transition anyways which is something i cant do right now unless i ask for a medical discharge...but then that brings my whole finacial situation to the ground....

i dont know what left there is to do...
last night i was thinking to myself...

maybe i should just accept the fact im a man and i should marry some woman or something.
ive noticed a big change in my sexual standpoint as well ive lost any intrest at all in men, completely and utterly, as well as i have "toys" but that now lay untouched because the just dont work for me anymore.

*Sigh i dont even know what im doing.... am i jest venting, asking for help? pleaing? i dont understand...*

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Myojine, thank you for being open enough to share your difficulties with us. I don't have any easy answers (so that's why I'm not a millionaire!), but I do think that you should get some counselling to help you to deal with the depression.

I'm guessing that as you are posting here, you don't need to be told that transition is a long-term answer. I understand your worries over losing your job etc., however, I don't think that a Gender Counsellor is just going to tell you to do anything. Their job is to help you to discover the right way forward for you ad not for them.

As for the jerk on the other forum, he obviously does not have a clue what it is like to be transgender, so I would ignore him.

[Mariah]

*hugs* don't know what else I can do. but you can pm me and vent all you want.

Mariah

[Carole Cross]

i dont know what left there is to do...
last night i was thinking to myself...

maybe i should just accept the fact im a man and i should marry some woman or something.
ive noticed a big change in my sexual standpoint as well ive lost any intrest at all in men, completely and utterly, as well as i have "toys" but that now lay untouched because the just dont work for me anymore.

*Sigh i dont even know what im doing.... am i jest venting, asking for help? pleaing? i dont understand...*

I thought this when. at 16 my secret was discovered and I lost my confidence to go through with my transition. As many have found out, myself included, this is not the answer. It only causes years of misery and, if you marry and have kids, can destroy a family. it is a very tough life we live but if transitioning is the only answer then you have to be prepared to lose everything, including your job and family. In most cases that does not happen.

Sorry to sound a bit brutal but can you really see yourself being happy spending the rest of your life as a man ? We have all been through what you are experiencing now, wondering if it is worth risking everything for your future hapiness. I do hope you can overcome your current bouts of depression.

[Veronica_Jean]

Myojine,

I am not an expert other than my own experiences, but I do know of a few things that may help you find a path.

The military no longer looks at mental issues (their concept) in the same way they did for a long time. Today they are of the mind that things happen and the responsible act is to seek help. This is an indication of someone "doing the right thing" rather than hiding it, or running from it. I know of an officer that is dealing with issues due to the death of one of his children. He had two choices, Self-report (which does not go on his permanent record), or be referred (which then requires his CO to monitor) and is on his record. I told him he had nothing to lose by going, since it was going to be forced on him and he may gain something from it anyway. I think the same may apply to you.

I would point out to your "friend" that there are better men than he that were trans, and ended up transitioning. I am referring to Dianne Schroer and here is a bit about her:

For her whole life, Diane knew she was meant to be a woman, even though she was born a man. In 2004, Diane began to transition from male to female. She also retired after 25 years of military service as an Army Special Forces officer, where she had spent her career specializing in counter-terrorism operations.

Talking about her position in the Army she tells the HRC:

The responsibilities, I thought, were tailor-made for the experience that I had. It involved looking at the threat that we were facing as a nation, assessing our capabilities, determining the new capabilities that were being developed and how to incorporate those, or what would be the best way to incorporate those, into an overall strategy against the war on terror.

I was hand-selected to created and orchestrate a 120-plus person classified organization in the Department of Defense to do essentially the very same thing. And I think we did that very successfully for the two years of my tenure there.

So tell your "friend" that an Army SOF Anti-terrorist officer with 25 years military experience and leadership always felt he was a woman, and has transitioned.

Also for you, please realize that going down the path of trying "to be a man" simply delays being forced to make a decision because this feeling you have never goes away. In my opinion we are born this way, we live this way, we die this way. We have no choice about that. We can decide how we deal with it, and to that end we get to choose to be miserable, kill ourselves, or transition into the gender we feel we have always been.

I hate seeing good people kill themselves instead of finding the path that brings them happiness. Especially when it is because of the actions and misunderstanding of other people.

So please, seek out some help. It may help your career and if it leads to a discharge it will make it honorable. You never know what "bad things" will lead to an incredible future that you never could imagine was possible.

I have sent you a PM to give you a personal illustration of my last point above.

As was said by others above, trying to find ways of dealing with your depression through being a man just brings others into this that later will have to endure unexpected events when you can no longer stand to deceive yourself and those around you. I feel this is not a good choice and there are many illustrations of the issues it creates all over this forum.

I wish you well and hope you think this through to the best possible outcome for yourself.



Veronica

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you have a number of choices to make..and they are hard choices...

when i realized i was in trouble, i felt just like you in many ways...
I felt like I was trapped and I couldnt do anything productive about my life
i undulged my sorrow as my own...everything else in my life wasnt my own...i was living totally and completely falsely, but my depression was MY OWN!!!
i have seen so much of this in our community

here's whats important..

I CHOSE to stop wearing it on my sleeve....i CHOSE to accept things AS THEY ARE, and move forward with my life, and let me have something of my own

...but I realized that I was in charge of ME...This was the only thing i could chose...i didnt chose to be this way...i just am...but when i stopped making my life about my bad luck, and my shame and the costs of being ts, my life totally changed for the better

reading your posts, this is the most important change in your life that you can make..the good news is that its totally YOU in control of this...the bad news is that it seems like the whole world can be against you..the other stuff is hard, the costs are high, and you are in a particularly unfriendly environment...

but life is long, and if you make this CHOICE, i can't tell you that it will all be ok..or that it will happen quickly...but i can promise you that it will get better...

for a while in my own life, i DIDNT WANT it to get better...i WANTED to suffer, i felt like i DESERVED it, and looking back, I can't imagine why I felt that way, and it saddens me to see this is happening toyou

I hope this helps just a little bit.

[Traci Elizabeth]

What you need to do NOW is to go to the military hospital (its' free) and explain your depression & suicide letters and they will give you immediate help.

Also go see your Chaplin (free) and tell him about your depression & suicide letters.

Go to your squad leader, platoon sergeant, first sergeant, XO, & company commander.

ALL are available 24/7.

Don't put yourself through these depressions get the help you need to get out of them.

Do it TODAY!

[arbon]

maybe i should just accept the fact im a man and i should marry some woman or something.

I agree with what others have said and I think that is probably the least favorable option. I made that choice about 20 years ago rather than accepting myself and dealing with the issue then. Grinding my teeth for all those years and wanting to die inside but suscesfully being a man, I still ended up having to deal with it because it did not go away and was just killing me inside, and the older you get the complicated it gets with other people and commitments you have made in life.

As for the person that insulted you on the forum you just have to learn to let that stuff go and be comfortable with yourself. Or tell them to F*** Off and leave you alone.

I hope you get some help for the depression and anxiety. It is easy to loose yourself in that. Even if they cannot help with the gender issue there are meds to help bring that stuff under control, which will help you focus more on what you need to do for yourself.

Hugs and the best to you. Hang in there.

[Jessinthesprings]

Hey I feel for you. While I can't say I can compleatly understand what you are going through we all have our demons. Some are very ugly at that. I wish I could say just ignore the nay-sayers but you are right it cuts deep, but perhaps you can turn their ignorance into your strength. Use it to fuel a mission of information. At the very least if they still feel that way at least they've been educated.

Lovely how some hide behind the "God" banner to justify their hate. But I see them as lazy, scared children unwilling to accept how there are some people who don't fit nicely into a certain mold. Of course it would be easier to use God to champion support to transgenderisim... especially since there is no mention of it in the new testiment (once in the old, but interpratation can be a bit gray). Simply put love thy neighbor.

Stay strong and use the lord and the ones who hold you up for strength. There are more people who are indifferant or supportive than there are those who aren't.

As far as military comitment... just because you see a gender specialist does not mean you have to transition that very moment... or ever. I really don't think you can go at this alone and he/she will help guide you mentally to where you need to be.

somehow I feel like i am not making any sense... sorry about that. Sleep depravation does that to you.

[giuseppina]

i'm not a mental health professional, but this looks like a cry for help.

If the military psychiatrists can't help with the depression, maybe you can find someone who can help while you're on leave. While they are not a panacea, antidepressants may be helpful. It may take two or three tries to find one that works with side effects you can live with.

It may be that a medical discharge is the only way to restore your health.

Loss of sex drive and interest goes with depression. I lost interest in relationships too, partly because of depression, but mainly because of what I was seeing in the relationships around me (not nice). The last diagnosis I received was PTSD.

Good luck.

[Nicole Erin]

Dexion is probably some pimple-face geek who will never know the pleasures of a woman's pink highway to heaven unless the said woman is some 300 pound whale with chafing sores between her legs.

Some guys on the web are such nerdos, they think that if there is a woman on the web, they are like, "Beavis, we are finally gonna score..." when in fact the only lover they have to go to bed with is their right hand.

I wouldn't worry about some moron on a forum deciding what your gender is.

[Empress Lainie]

[SIZE=4]It is a very sad fact that there are many people who hate us because we are trans. The same can be said about gays, bis and lesbians.

The day I realized I was female in the wrong body, after 72 years, I began living as the person I was from that day forward and have never been happier.

I also realize that this is MY story, and it can't apply to others except in very rare cases.

It cost me my job a few months later when a hater that didn't know me applied for my teaching, and when I introduced myself as a transgendered woman he filed a complaint and the other hater fired me. There is a federal EEOC suit pending in my behalf. Hope it goes through before I die, I'm 75 now.

I learned from that, and since I have female ID I never let anyone know I am other than a born woman unless I really trust them and they wonder. To date, that is exactly ONE.

Of course, even though I hate saying or having to admit to it; "passing" has to be a factor in your favor to accomplish this.
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