Confused..very much so.

[tiffanytrapt19]

First off, this thread has some minor sexual parts to it. and second, I hope I put this in the right place, if not I apologize.



Ok..here goes, deep breath.
Well I have been crossdressing since the age of 3 and I LOVE it, I love everything about it. I am currently dating a girl that is completely supportive of it and often helps me..but there have been things happening lately that I don't know what to do about.

When dressed as Tiffany I feel and want to be a girl. That includes all the stuff that comes with being a girl..ALL the stuff if you catch my drift. And with a girlfriend I can't have that one certain thing I have been wanting lately, and I REFUSE to cheat on my gf..ever. But I don't want to break up with her because I love her very much and I love how supportive of my cding she is.

I mean if she was just willing, I'd be fine but, we tried it once and she said she'll never do it again because it felt wrong to her...But I want it, and every time we do..stuff..together I can't help thinking about it, and I can't ejaculate for her because I'm so confused and thinking about it at the time...I just don't know what to do..and i know you girls always have had great advice for me and others in the past. I look forward to your answers.

xoxo
Tiff

[KristinSkye]

Sent you a PM.

[BobbiU]

Well, 2 thoughts I have.

The 1st is, life and relationships are all about comprimise. If you enjoy 99% of what you have from a CD perspective now, and have a supportive SO, you're very fortunate. There is a great chance she had to make comprimises in your CDing, what comprimises have you made for her? Could this be one of them? Do you want to rish losing what you have now?

The 2nd, regarding the aspect that you're missing, I can tell you for a fact, that good things come to those that wait. I have seen many changes in my SO over the years, because I did not push certain parts of our relationship too hard, too fast. So, it's possible down the road, with little hints, suggestions, chats, etc, the boundries can expand.

So, Hope this gives you somethings to think about.
Good luck in your though process.

[juno]

It may be that she associates your interest with being gay, which makes her wonder why you are with a female. It is the same sort of confusion that often occurs with learning about crossdressing. Give her time to work out her feelings, and reassure her that you really do want to be with a woman, even when you are playing the role of a woman.

Juno

[crossdrezzer1]

comprimise,, try a certian toy on her that has the same look on both ends,,if you know what i mean and while she is occupied with the feelings you have the other end to play with,, I toned it down as much as possible and hope i didnt offend anyone,,,that is my suggestion to satisfy your cravings and keeping your relationship with her,,, dont push it on her or she will leave you,,remeber you are her man,,let girl time come but not always or she will run for the door

[ReineD]

But I want it, and every time we do..stuff..together I can't help thinking about it, and I can't ejaculate for her because I'm so confused and thinking about it at the time...I just don't know what to do..

Thanks for your honesty, Matt, and you did a beautiful job describing your issue without being overly graphic.

I may be reading more into your post than there is, and if I've done this please accept my apology and ignore the rest of my post.

The first flush of romance (with its accompanying sexual high) in any relationship does go away after anywhere from 2-5 years. But the glue that enables relationships to remain intimately connected over time is sexual compatibility. True, there are some long-term couples whose bond is not sexual. They have a more emotional, platonic bond which can also be very deep, and it works well if sex together is not a priority for both of them, but this is not for everyone.

How we see ourselves sexually is fundamentally who we are. Your gf wants to be intimate with a partner who, as a man, gets off on the fact that she's the female: a symbiotic relationship where the two complement each other to their mutual advantage and pleasure. But you want the same thing she does, so it's difficult to complement one another at the same time.

I've read research and other resources that describe TGs who, like you, cannot be fulfilled sexually unless they imagine themselves to be the woman, with all the appropriate toys and actions. These are TGs who at some level reject the male role in love making, since the priority is to try to experience the same thing as the female.

As sad as the prospect may seem that you and your gf may not be sexually compatible, IMO it is better to come to this conclusion earlier in the relationship and in life than later.

You may need to part ways with your gf in order to experiment with your sexuality to see what sources you, what truly makes you feel complete as a human being. It may well be over time that you will discover you do not like to be with men ... or you may discover that you cherish the female role with men more and more as you experience it, and your life direction might change.

But IMO it would be a mistake to not deal with this honestly with your gf now. You do not want to "pretend" to take on a sexual role that does not fulfill you for her sake, and she would not want you to pretend either. This would spell disaster in your relationship in the long run.

I wish you all the best in figuring it out, and I understand how confusing it must be. But relationships do atrophy after years of not addressing such issues, which ends up being very sad for both partners.

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Tiffany,

All of the girls who have responded to your request have provided wonderful ideas and suggestions. I would take a slightly different take on your question and thus your situation and suggest that you might do well by locating a therapist who specializes in gender issues and scheduling a couple of sessions. This would allow you to discuss your feelings, issues and performance problem with a professional who is trained to evaluate you and provide guidance.

[Shananigans]

If I am catching your drift, I've been there and done that...

Okay. I am going to be rather upfront, so this might get to be TMI. I'm not ashamed though, so whatever...

My SO wanted to have sex with other CDs. I was open to the idea of a threesome, but he informed me that his fantasy only involved him and another CD. I told him no way. Then, he agreed to the threesome. But, by that time, I was finding out he was posting on Craigslist trying to meet up with other CDs in our area. He sh*t in his nest and now he won't be getting that threesome. Our conditions of staying together were just me and only me.

When we first got together, he told me he'd want to have sex with me wearing a strap-on. I said not only no, but f*ck no. I just didn't want to feel masculine like that. It was weird.

I'm guessing this is what you are referring to when you say that you and your SO have tried things, but she just doesn't like it.

My SO and I ended up getting a strap-on...I decided to try it because I enjoyed being in a dominate position when he was dressed. (But, I will Not wear it unless I look ultra-feminine).

But, if you SO has tried it and is uncomfortable with it, you cannot force it upon her. You have to ask yourself what means more to you. Experimenting? Or, being with a person you love?

I'm very much attracted to women. There are things that I can do with a woman that I can't do sexually with a man. If you catch my drift. At the end of the day...I know I truly love and am turned on by both men and women...but, it means more to me to be with the person that I love.

I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me.

[tammygirl79]

I couldn't have put it any better myself! All the girls on here made great points, but Shananigans nailed it on the head!!!!

Just keep one thing in mind Matt. We all have our fantasies, and sometimes we get to live them out, and sometimes we don't. Remember what is truely the most important thing here.....you are atleast lucky enough to have an SO that is supportive of you....a lot of us girls don't even have that. Be greatfull for what you have and if along the way she opens up to more possibilities, then great. But if she doesn't....don't jeoperdize what you have....cherish it instead!

Good luck to you

[Tiffany Kaye]

First, I applaud the commitment that you and your GF are trying to build and the faithfulness you display that is necessary to see it through. I've been with my wife for 8 years now (part of it dating) and she has known about Tiffany for virtually all of it. While we experimented a bit early on, I think it was mostly out of her curiosity. I'm very much like you and want my experience to be wholly feminine in the bedroom. As much as I would like to tell you that we give and take, and we've grown together in our desires, sadly it hasn't been the case in my situation. It makes things tough when you truly care for someone but don't have that intimate compatibility. It is something I've struggled with throughout my adult relationships and all I can say is that you have to try to find ways to love and give to one another that respect the other person. It's a two way street and I just hope the two of you can find ways to meet in the middle. I know I feel blessed to have my spouse, knowing that she cares about me as a person and wants me to be a complete person even if she does not feel that she can always be a part of it. Remember what you have in an accepting and loving SO and try not to pressure her too much. You will find the right way together.

[gabe]

I am with you on being a girl and ALL the stuff part. Been there, done that and still doing it. It is incredibly intoxicating in our relationship. You did not indicate the duration of your courtship, as others have mentioned, with time and trust a lot of things can be possible. Trust does not develop over night. I would never do anything without my SO and vice versa. We would do everything for each other unconditionally, but it does take time.

[Danni Bear]

Matt, my wife and I considered it at first but it just didn't feel right.
We are both now transitioned her FTM and me MTF .
40+years together me male and her female and was perfect we thought. now me female and he knows what I need and I know what he wants, because we both have had that time as the other. do I think all should travel the same road as we did ?? no how you and she progress is a decision that you two have to make. Just know that openess is key to everything talk and keep talking to each other.



Danni

[Shari]

Wow, quite the enigma, and quite the corner you find yourself in.

I may be reading too much into this, but I get the feeling that your life will never be complete until you find out what's on the other side of the fence. You may well be denying yourself what you truly want and need.

I'm not advocating a break up, but I would suggest you don't go through the rest of your life wondering about something you wanted and never acted on.

[KellyG]

You say you've been "currently dating" which gives me the feeling this this relationship is fairly new. So maybe you really just need to give it more time. So far so good, right?

On the other hand you say you've been CD'ing since age 3. Wow! So this is a fundamental part of who you are, and it makes me think that you are going to need this special thing in your life. Only you can know, but I'm doubting whether you can compromise it in the long run.

I'm not advocating leaving your loving relationship, but I do have to say this bluntly: I think many of us CDs tolerate less than we need/want/deserve simply because accepting SOs are hard to find today. All relationships require compromise, but many of us may be compromising "too much". So then the real problem is that we're still living in the dark ages--it's nothing wrong with us. I think many of us are feeling your pain in our own ways--and we're with you! Expect this issue to ease up as society becomes gradually more enlightened.

Now, on to solutions:

1. Your loving SO has accepted many of your feminine behaviors and desires but this one thing is arguably the most feminine of all, and perhaps it crosses a line for her. But what if you could compensate by being more masculine in other areas? Then a balance is preserved.

2. Maybe she also has the complimentary issue. She doesn't want to feel too masculine but this one thing crosses the line to where it makes her feel WAY too masculine. So if she could somehow do it without feeling "masculine" per se, then maybe she'd be OK with it. Some of the previous replies address this. For example perhaps she can be dressed/adorned in a particularly feminine way and/or maybe you can use that symmetrical toy.

Here's a suggestion that addresses both 1 and 2. I have no idea if it would actually work for the two of you, but I'll put it out there anyway. Suppose you emphasize your masculinity via some role-playing in which you become more dominant than usual and she becomes more submissive. I'm not necessarily saying full-on BDSM, but if dom/sub relates at all to masc/fem for you two, then this might actually work. Once you establish that you are the boss and she's your beautiful little plaything, then she has to do whatever you say. Get what I mean?

Good luck, and the two of you should never forget that it's all about love, and all these intimate variations are just different ways of expression/experiencing love.

[carrie-ann]

1st honesty is the best policy.2nd communication is the key here.3rd comprise on both sides. Sounds like she has so you have to too. If you both really love each other you will.4th counseling if need be. Good luck to both of you. Remember everyone is different no two couples are the same. No two people are the same. Even though my wife a.d i are married we are still individuals. That's why all above is so important.

[Shananigans]

I'm not advocating leaving your loving relationship, but I do have to say this bluntly: I think many of us CDs tolerate less than we need/want/deserve simply because accepting SOs are hard to find today.

I'd be careful with that. In my experience and with other GG's on this forum, it has been quite the other way around.

[kimdl93]

If I am catching your drift, I've been there and done that...

1) My SO and I ended up getting a strap-on...I decided to try it because I enjoyed being in a dominate position when he was dressed.
But, if you SO has tried it and is uncomfortable with it, you cannot force it upon her.

2) I'm very much attracted to women. I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me.

Lots of good advice above - these two points struck a chord with me. As in 1) above, my SO (now wife) knew I enjoyed to dress and play a fem roll in bed. Happily, as in 2) above, she acknowledged some bi-experience and continued to be attracted to women. I admitted I'd had some early bi experience as well.

So, it was great for us. I doubt our relationship or sex lives would be nearly so enjoyable if we hadn't these common desires. I don't know if you can learn to enjoy certain things...kinda depends on how one is wired.

[JulieC]

I'd be careful with that. In my experience and with other GG's on this forum, it has been quite the other way around.

I think there's a common perception among those with non-accepting GGs as partners that accepting GGs are hard to come by. The reverse of that biased view I think is also true.

I've said this before, but from my own personal experience (admittedly anecdotal) and various surveys here and posts by members here, that the majority of women will accept crossdressing husbands at least well enough to remain married to them, or marry them in the first place.

Roughly the bottom 10% or so will run screaming for the hills at some point. The top 10% will heartily embrace it, encourage it, support it, buy for it, ask for it, etc. The inbetween 80% is where most women are, and acceptance varies across the board within that 80%.

Another trend I see is that among crossdressers whose spouses DO know and are supportive, the vast majority wish their spouses were just a little more supportive.

In fact, that's been a point of discussion with my wife. She's very supportive, but I too can imagine her being more supportive. She's said "Ok, how?" I've told her in response that I don't want to tell her how, because I know she'll do it and I'll feel like she's doing it not out of her own decision and goodness but because I'm asking her to. I'd feel awkward about that. So, I let her be her and act as she wants to.

[Shananigans]

Lots of good advice above - these two points struck a chord with me. As in 1) above, my SO (now wife) knew I enjoyed to dress and play a fem roll in bed. Happily, as in 2) above, she acknowledged some bi-experience and continued to be attracted to women. I admitted I'd had some early bi experience as well.

So, it was great for us. I doubt our relationship or sex lives would be nearly so enjoyable if we hadn't these common desires. I don't know if you can learn to enjoy certain things...kinda depends on how one is wired.

I'm glad you two could acknowledge this and embrace it. It took a while for me to finally say I was bisexual. It definitely improves my sex-life with my SO. But, a couple years ago, I wouldn't have been able to say I was bisexual at all. I kind of hoped no one noticed, because it seemed like everyone around me Knew that I was bi. (Of course, they didn't. It was all in my head, but when I harbor a secret I just automatically think people can read me. I'm a really bad liar).

So, it's really awesome you two could come to terms with it and have it enhance your sex lives.

[ReineD]

I'm not advocating leaving your loving relationship, but I do have to say this bluntly: I think many of us CDs tolerate less than we need/want/deserve simply because accepting SOs are hard to find today.

I'd be careful with that. In my experience and with other GG's on this forum, it has been quite the other way around.

This is why it's so important to make sure there is sexual compatibility. This means being very honest and talking to each other about your respective needs. There's no point pretending and sweeping either partners' needs under the carpet, both for the one whose needs aren't being met, and the one for whom the other pretends.

[kimdl93]

I'm glad you two could acknowledge this and embrace it. It took a while for me to finally say I was bisexual. It definitely improves my sex-life with my SO. But, a couple years ago, I wouldn't have been able to say I was bisexual at all. I kind of hoped no one noticed, because it seemed like everyone around me Knew that I was bi. (Of course, they didn't. It was all in my head, but when I harbor a secret I just automatically think people can read me. I'm a really bad liar).

So, it's really awesome you two could come to terms with it and have it enhance your sex lives.

The key was being open about it at the beginning of our relationship. Both of us had been in difficult relationships, gone through divorce and therapy. So when we met, we both understood how important it was to be open about ourselves in every respect - before we tried to get more involved. Exchanging the most intimate secret desires and experiences was key decision point for both of us...and I'm so glad we were on the same wavelength.

I also know what you mean about being self conscious about your sexuality...like many of the gurls here, I was certain that people knew or suspected both my CDing and my bisexuality. I think that some of it was just the burden of guilt feeding my paranoia.

[docrobbysherry]

I've been on this planet a LONG time, here's what I've learned so far:

1. Don't worry about your present relationship. One thing tho, DON'T marry her!

2. Your NEXT relationship MAY be better! Or the next, or the next, etc!

3. What's the hurry? You've got about 60 years to figure out who u r and what u want. Enjoy the PROCESS of figuring it all out! It's called, "life"!

4. Don't worry! Be happy!

[Satrana]

I have experienced problems in the past finishing the act as well for similar reasons where my cd fantasies got in the way of climaxing. In my experience my gf was quite angry that I could not finish as she took it as a sign that I was not attracted to her. I was not out of the closet then so I could not really explain why but she took it very personally. And the more it became an issue for her, the more it became a mental block for me.

I suspect that your gf will not hang around for much longer if you cannot climax. Women want continuous physical reaffirmation of your desire. They tend to feel cheated if you cannot deliver.

My own advice is to stop masturbating to fantasies of being penetrated. Ban them from your mind and train yourself to come in normal sex scenarios.

I am lucky that my wife despite of never having heard of a strap-on, found she enjoys the experience so we swap roles often. But I know she needs me to perform normally so as to reaffirm the husband/wife dynamic. Your gf is far more likely to give you what you want if you are able to give her what she wants.

[Shananigans]

Women want continuous physical reaffirmation of your desire. They tend to feel cheated if you cannot deliver.

That's crazily spot on. It's almost embarrassingly true. But, I know with my SO when he was having a..."mental block"...I was like, "What the hell is the problem? Is there something wrong with me? You aren't attracted to me, are you?"

Only I was saying that out loud.

Definitely helped his mental block.

I think girls just grow up expecting guys are perpetually turned on and ready for sex, so when you show any sign of being a more complex creature...it's startling. And, since every intelligent girl knows that guys really aren't that complex (clearly) and everything should be constantly working right in that department, we automatically assume that we failed somehow.

I generally have a very high sex drive, but there are rare times when I just want to be left alone. (AKA the guy did something wrong..doesn't matter what...he's just said or done something. And, it's all over for the rest of the night). Nothing that you are going to say or do is going to get me to go to bed with you. You could transform into Johnny Depp and I still wouldn't be turned on. But, I've never had a guy psychoanalyze me for that like girls do to guys when it's not going as intended in that department.

[LilSissyStevie]

Usually when we think about sexual orientation, we only consider half the equation. We only consider what we are attracted to: males, females, both, neither. The other half of the equation is how we see ourselves. And we can see ourselves sexually as male, female, both, or neither. There is also the matter of whether you are dominant/submissive/either/neither. I have come to believe, but have no real proof, that you mostly inherit these aspects of your sexual orientation and there is really not much you can do about it but find a healthy way to express it. If you feel the need to take the “female” role in sex, you can no more will or wish it away than a gay male can wish away his attraction to other males. Suppressing it will only end in tears. Of course, this is also true for your potential partner. I've been very lucky to find a partner that not only accepts that I'm a girl sexually but a submissive one, too. She didn't run for the hills but embraced it enthusiastically. Sometimes I can rise to the occasion (so to speak) and be her man but fortunately that isn't a big deal for her. I have other talents.