have you integrated your 'selves' yet?

[Jay Cee]

I tend to view my femme self as an almost entirely different entity. I'm sure that this has a lot to do with guilt, denial, and whatnot. I'm pretty sure that this is also what has kept me from getting everything I need to do a full out femme look.

I don't really have any excuse on the home front - my gf is totally supportive. She does have some concerns about my being a TS instead of a CD, and to be totally truthful, I have no idea how far I will go.

Have you integrated your identities? If so, do you have any tips on how to go about it?

Thanks

Jessie

[NathalieX66]

I am me 100% all the time.
You like what you like...you go with it....life goes on.

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm just thinking as I write, so this could mean nothing. I may have been fully integrated all my life, but building walls out of fear. I've always been a "nurturing" parent and supportive of friends. Crying has always been much too easy and at times the girl stuff has been soooo much more important than the guy stuff. Despite all that, I've built walls to keep much of that from people who I fear would take it the wrong way. Family who would isolate me, co-workers who would have caused problems in my career, friends who may have seen it a problem and ended relationships that had been foundations for my life.

The process recently has been taking these walls down and letting the whole personality show. And it's a slow process, but moving along anyway.

[Chloe Renee]

I for a long time was trying to make two lives coexist. The last few years I have found it increasingly harder to separate them. Integration has been easier than i expected. I think the hardest part was admitting that I was ts. On some level it was becoming, integrate or go crazy.

I recommend going slowly, especially with a SO involved. My wife has been supportive but still has reservations as we are going forward. The hardest person to come out to has been myself.
You might wish to contact a local support group, or LGBT center. They may have free counseling.

[AllieSF]

I am pretty much myself in male or female mode. When en femme, I try to be more patient, drive slower, with some success, and act more demure as a woman would. I do seem to be a little more extroverted when en femme and will target someone to go talk with about anything. For the time being, I have no identity issues.

[Lexine]

Like you I consider my girl self to be a separate person - but it's not because I'm ashamed of her. It's because I wanted to ensure everybody that I'm still me and, while my girl me is in fact me, the boy me still exists as I have no intention to do HRT or GRS. I'm basically being mindful of other people's comfort levels.

One way I integrated her into my life is by creating her own online identities. I think that it helps people think that while the girl mode is me, it is an entirely different facet of my personality... at least thats how I see it. I also have to take the initiative to reintroduce myself to people if I've met them at least in one of my modes and explain to them what's happening. The explanation should be factual, but not too detailed. Basically, just enough information so that they can empathize with my situation.

Bottom line, be honest with people, be mindful of how they understand the situation (read: explain to them your situation as if you're attempting to explain it to an alien from another planet), set up a separate online identity, and take care of the people who accept you regardless of the situation. Those are the ones worth keeping.

Hope this helps!

[suzy1]

I am two people, Suzy and the other me.
But I have never suffered any guilt or denial. I enjoy two lives instead of just one. How good is that!” Two for the price of one”
So why integrate? Am I missing something?
I’m not that bright.

Have fun, SUZY

[Danni Bear]

JC,
I don't know that I've integrated two halves into one. I have always just been female, not physically when younger but now yes. So I guess integrating into a whole person with two halves is part of your happiness, and works for you. Then that is a perfect setting.

love
Danni

[kimdl93]

I'm myself all the time - there isn't a different person present when I'm dressed. That being said, I can't be sure about 5 years from now - perhaps I'll be dressing more or less, perhaps finally be comfortable going out in public. Having a supportive SO helps - I know she'll be there with me either way.

[Gerrijerry]

I have always been only one person. more sensitive etc. I only kept my male look for the family (kids while they were young). Fear, job, the usually reasons many have. But while in female mode over the years I did apear more and more female. Seems that does happen over time no matter what you think. Then it changes your male look to feminine over time also. One day you just look in the mirror or someone tells you when you are out dressed as a male. Miss may I help you. That is when it is too late to hide anymore. Take it from me I am telling the truth those that love you and are real friends will not stop being there for you.

[AKAMichelle]

integration is an ongoing process. I have made it about half way so far but I am still working on bringing Michelle and my male self into one.

[stefanie]

i think we all have different journeys and acceptance points of ourselves....we are learning.

I have found the more i have become comfortable with myself as a person, i was seeing my physical, emotional and what seemed to be an effort of trying to keep separate identities really became more like one.....i have found the best of 'both' sides so to speak and have come to really cherish it.

so for me, it was more about just learning about me, becoming comfortable in my own skin and then going with the flow....getting out, meeting people, enjoying the freedom of just being a girl.

perhaps worry less about whether integrated or not and just learn about yourself however you might want to go about it.

[Tracy X Cruz]

For me... I find I have to kinda fight integration.

All my life I have tried to live up to expectations and social norms... but starting with moving out and going to college I started realizing I had more freedom then that. And since then I have been breaking those walls and doing/acting the way I felt was most natural and right which has lead me to the point I am in now... and this is where I am finally splitting things... not because I want to but because I feel even if my Girlfriend/SO understands, even if my friends understand... I can not go to work dressed. Certain specific parts of my life need me to stay drab old Ralph Cruz, that isn't stopping me from doing small things like shaving my legs and arms and such. But I am finding more of a need to separate my life now rather then jeopardize my income.

I will say I am integrated mentally, I am a girl inside... and have been for a long long time even my Girlfriend said to me when we talked about all this "It doesn't surprise me at all, I mean the first thing I figured out when I started dating you was that you were more like a girl then a boy, and once I accepted that you made a lot more sense to me."

So end result... be your self! at least on the inside, figure that out and let the outside match where ever you feel comfortable doing so. And as your bravery goes up you will be able to express your self more and more on the outside with confidence!

[ReineD]

I'm very much wanting to follow this thread, but I'm having difficulty with knowing what integration means. It seems to be different for everyone depending on their gender ID and where they are along the continuum to self-acceptance.

Some examples:

For a TS it may mean getting rid of the idea that the femme self is separate, and coming to embrace her as the TS's core while eliminating any false male masks.

For a CD whose male self has had difficulty accepting the CDing, it may mean acceptance that he sometimes has urges to be femme and not feeling as if he is a freak for expressing her.

For other CDs who've felt the need to put on a huge male mask in order to hide the inner femme, it may be that they haven't given themselves permission to experience certain emotions in male mode, so integration might simply mean allowing themselves to cry when they're sad, or enjoy a chick flick, etc, even in male mode.

For other CDs who are dual-gender or have more a propensity to be androgynous, it may mean combining all aspects of their male/female psyches into one and presenting this at all times.

Jcameron, which one are you? What are your goals and what is it you would like to achieve with integration?

[Jessica Who]

Yes, I have and trust me it feels so much better. It probably varies from person to person, but the way I have been able to achieve it is by putting my guy and gal clothes together in my closet and dresser as a start.

In addition, I had to do some soul searching as well as some form of trial and error. It can be a difficult process, I actually wrote an article last year about merging my male and female sides to form one person, you can read it here if you wish -> http://www.jessica-who.com/2009/04/i...crossdress_28/

Also, other little things like keeping my eyebrows shaped no matter if I am crossdressing or not have helped, but I think the large portion of it is mental. I wish you all the best

[randumbness]

There are different ways to "integrate." I agree with Reine D, because "integration" is different with everybody. I feel I am not one that integrates, and it's not because of humiliation or a mask. I believe I have two different genders, and when I portray them, I portray each one. So when I'm Tina, I'm Tina. She may be a lesbian, but she portrays female energy. When I'm Marc, I portray male energy. So it's different for everyone. Try going full out, and see what happens. You won't know until you try.

[LitaKelley]

Does wearing stockings and lingerie to bed without makeup and wig count as integrating? I do that often.. Sometimes when I can't dress, I wear these under my regular clothes so, technically I'm both at the same time...

[Charleen]

I'm me and TG. One for all and all for one. At this point I only dress male for work 'cause that's who they expect to show up. No problem, I'm still me as I still have my nails long and polished, wear earrings, 6 finger rings, mascara, and my hair long as well.

[tricia_uktv]

I used to thing I could and tried to integrate bith sides. I know feel this is impossible. My femme side is far more outgoing, has totally different principals and is far nmore egocentric than my male dide.

So the only wat to trully integrate is to be 24 * 7 femme.

I'm working on it

[Kaz]

Following up on Reine's post, i am not sure that we all have the same view of "integration"?

I am not out of the closet and a lot of my life is just this guy I've been forever, and I wouldn't want it any other way. He has some good friends, a loving family, a career and all that. But Kaz has become so much more important a part of my life, especially over the last ten years or so when I finally accepted she was not going to go away. So am I two different people?

I think not... I can feel like Kaz even when in boy mode, and often do... especially when I go though periods of not being able to dress as Kaz. A while ago I stayed away from home for a few days at a time, and rented an apartment rather than a hotel. On each occasion I lived as Kaz except when going to work, when I "crossdressed" to a male outfit, which I ditched the minute I got back the flat!

So maybe I am just me... I show different colours to suit the situation... chameleon? Or integrated?

[ReineD]

I can feel like Kaz even when in boy mode, and often do... especially when I go though periods of not being able to dress as Kaz.

Kaz, if you don't mind my asking, how differently do you feel as Kaz in boy mode, compared to feeling your guy self? How does Kaz feel when not dressed vs. guy self?

The answer might be insightful to the OP. It certainly would be to me.

[melissacd]

I see my male and female halves, if you can really call them that, as one and the same. As I have given myself the freedom to express the real me I find that I do not see any difference anymore, whereas when I was in the closet, way back when, there was a distinct component of my personality that stayed hidden and felt like another persona.

I am not sure there are different personalities, just hidden facets of all of who we are repressed out of fear about how others will respond to the authentic us. Once we develop a confidence about who we really are then - poof - instant integration - she is he is we is me.

Huggs
Melissa

[JulieC]

Have you integrated your identities? If so, do you have any tips on how to go about it?

I've always resisted the idea that I am two different people inside one skin. I am me, all of me.

It can be easy to encapsulate our femme selves under a name, and mentally do the same. When we dress, especially fully en femme, we look dramatically different than our male selves. Two expressions of gender identity, one person. Easy; two identities.

But, I resist that, and actively dislike it. I think it's unhealthy. It's like when I take off the femme clothes, I have to force part of my persona into a box and stuff it into a mental closet. "I'll let you out when you get tired of being in there and scream at me!"

No, I rather try to integrate all of me into my sense of self. It takes a lot of time, and some active effort. This has nothing to do with outward expression, but inward. I can be totally femme while externally appearing entirely male. It's all me, and I don't want to box up my femme aspects anymore than I want to box up my homme aspects.

[Jay Cee]

Thank you all for your wisdom.

I guess I should explain my current situation a bit more indepth.

I've never crossdressed in front of anyone before, until maybe a month or so ago. My gf and I were on a road trip, and I mentioned how I was just kind of tired of being a guy. We had a long talk, and ended up going shopping together for clothes for my "alter ego". The support I have received from her has been nothing short of amazing.

I am the one who is having a hard time accepting this part of myself. It doesn't help that I have this internal image of what I should be like (manly man, no tears, lots of emotional control, etc). Working construction is not helping, as it is a pretty non-tolerant environment. I am starting to feel a bit of resentment towards my occupation as a result.

Maybe integration was the wrong word, in a sense. Acceptance may have been more appropriate. I just feel guilt, shame, lost, and a few other emotions. I lock down everything that Jessie may feel, so that part of me doesn't get accidentally shown in public. The dressing, while it feels great, also confuses me greatly. I frequently fear losing my original self. I am afraid of living what may be more of a truth, because living what may be a lie is easier. I'm scared of the rejection of family and the few friends that I have. This is only amplified by part of me knowing that I will eventually crossdress in public. I can't explain how I know that - I just do.

I guess I should ask - how long did it take for you to accept yourself, and love yourself, for who you are. I thought I had myself figured out, until I turned down this road.

<sigh>

Thanks for reading this

Jessie

[carrie-ann]

I wish I could tell you everyone is going to like it they won't. What matters is your thoughts. If you worry about everyone else youll go nuts. I've lost some family members and some I thought were my friends. I had to be me I knew I would have to except what was going to happen. That don't mean I like how they feel but I have to be me.