I'm sick of the going back and forth from my wife.. one day she's outwardly all fine and accepting of it, even so far as helping with putting on makeup,etc, even kissing me while I'm crossdressed, but then another day she's hostile, angry and verbally abusive expressing her dislike of my crossdressing, making me feel ashamed and guilty for exploring and participating in this side of me that was buried away all these years.. and well, it appears she's not 100% accepting and now I'm rather confused, because I don't know how she really feels, cause when she expresses her dislike, it's when she is drunk, but even before this crossdressing, it was always something else she would verbally abuse me for, and well, I told her "stop drinking all the time and I'll stop crossdressing", but deep down.. I don't want to stop, and she even commented that "No you won't.. you can't and you're gonna get worse" and so badly I want to scream "WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ME", which feels strange, because just a couple weeks ago I didn't even know I had this side of myself, and here my wife is asking me "why do you want to be a woman so bad" and it's rather hard for me to explain cause I really don't even know the answer.. and I say to her "this is who I am" and she says "No it is not", so, who the hell am I then, what am I supposed to do... am I supposed to just go back to being the somewhat miserable person I thought I was before and pretend I'm f---ing happy..
Yeah, I crossdressed, but when I did, I loved it.. I loved how I felt.. it felt right and it felt good, so I did it more and more and kept finding these pieces of myself like I was a puzzle, and finally I was beginning to see a picture, and I saw her in the mirror and she is beautiful and I love her...but now my wife wants to mess it all up and put the pieces away and I feel like I want to f---ing puke.
I'm just so damn confused and sometimes I even want to cry, cause I want to know who I really am and I don't know the answer.. Ok.. now I'm crying.. Sorry for the long run on rant.