I Feel like the biggest fraud!!! I denied my true self twice today

[Inna]

Hey hon, like I almost always do I find a positive and light note in every story and let me tell you, you were only one more denial from Peter. Saint Peter denied Jesus three times and look at Christianity today. Hon you did what you had to do and if taking bible as reference you will be a great woman and will embrace and delight everyone with your lovely presence. Just give it a time, Amen!

Love you, you are so beautiful, no wonder they were wondering!

[Danni Bear]

Barbara,

No way should you be ashamed., You did what any of us would do in that situation. Hold your head high and when the time comes, then you tell not before then.
Love
Danni

[Christy_M]

As everyone else has.said, your first responsibility is to yourself. Self preservation is the most basic need. How you develop on this path has to be based on your own readiness. My own macho facade would have defended my masculinity at the expense of my true self.

You should be comfortable knowing younger in control of your own destiny and not small minded people who can't get past personal differences that ultimately make the group stronger. This is the whole purpose of organizational diversity. Do not be ashamed of your actions. I think you have done what most of us who have been closeted for most of our lives would have done.

[lavistaa62]

Love yourself.

[Annaliese2010]

Do you think I made a mistake?

Are you independently wealthy? If no than nope; if yes than yep. But that's just my op. For questions like this it's entirely your call. On the other hand one has to eat, pay bills, have a place to live, own a car, buy clothing, makeup, glitter & glam. And that takes money, honey. And that means staying gainfully employed. And that generally means not 'rocking the boat'. So...depends on top management & how progressive or backwards they are. And on you, depending on how much you like living a relatively happy, predictable, comfortable life or being miserable as an unemployed activist fighting for 'the cause' (rah rah rah sis boom bah, 36-24-36 hike!). Those are the exigencies of life. It is what it is... (sigh)

But aww...sorry you are so upset sweetie. [hugs]

[Patty B.]

You have to make a living, need the job, health insurance. I know the environment you work in, back stabbing, rumors, lots of testerone. I'd rather not have to keep this side of me from the world, but still have to pay the bills and would rather not have to adopt an amish lifestyle. I kind of know your the experience, you've still got to work, you acted approiately. Just my opinion.

[Susan4]

I think one of the most encouraging, and positive, aspects of your experience is that, as you told the story, there was a group of co-workers defending you.

That's great. And, if you ever do come out, on your terms and on your schedule, they'll probably still be there for you.

Hugs
Susan

[RachelDenise]

Barbara, work environments are tough. You have to work and being uncomfortable at work is difficult. Just because the local weasels decided that you were the talk point of the day doesn't make your personal life any of their business. I'm happy you had people in your corner, but the loud and obnoxious ones always seem to be more prevalent. If you want to tell them, do it when you're ready. Stay safe and be positive but stay out of the discussions. Look to us for support. We accept you here and wish you all the best!

[Angiemead12]

I agree! Come out when your ready not because your pressured too. I slowly pick and tell who I come out too as well on my own time and confidence!

[Fab Karen]

The simple answer to this kind of question ( why does he do that? ) is "because I like it." If you don't feel like discussing your sexuality, then just don't. It's unclear if you're saying you told gay jokes, but if so, at least to people with a brain in their head ( sounds like most of them don't), it'd look like you were trying too hard.

[Elsa Larson]

IF presented with what you dealt with, I hope I would have the presence of mind to ask them:

How would you treat me differently if I was gay/trans/effiminate? Why?

I'd try to work in my quote: "What's between your legs and what you like to do with it is your business, not mine. Please give me the same courtesy."

If things went downhill from there, I'd go home and curl up until I stopped shaking and crying.

I had the advantage of being out at work (state government) for most of my career and never had any negative repercussions.

[Gerrijerry]

I also don't think you could have done anything else. Don't fret on what you did or said. However I think that it is true that if the conversation was taking place some may be looking to prove there point. Just hang in there. You might try next time to just go up to the person who says you are gay etc. and tell him " Hey what is the problem when you and I had sex last week you were happy" That puts them on the defensive to defend that they are not gay or CD as you laugh about it. Everyone will realize how studid the entire thing is. You can then (if you ever want to) tell others in your time and in your own way.

[erickka]

I don't think it can be called that. I think you erred on the side of caution. I don't know your circumstances with your co-workers, but I do know that you are the only one that can tell when and/or if the time is right. Don't beat yourself up over this, life is too short to stress out all the time.

[KayleeDahl]

You must have felt like you were hit by a truck walking into that room... I don't know how well I would have kept my stuff together!

I'm lucky in that I compete in triathlons, and everyone at the office knows it, and some even donate to the causes the races are for. This takes care of 99% of anyones "why is 'he' doing that" kind of Qs. Hang a few race numbers in your office/cubical, and ur all set.. hehehe Athlete adds back the macho points plus 1 that shaving takes away!

I think you did the right thing, there is nothing that obligates you to tell them anything about your personal life that you don't want to.

Hugs!
Kaylee

[GingerLeigh]

I'm in a similar situation at work except nobody is either confronting me or defending me. I don't wax/remove hair. There is nothing visible in either my appearance or mannerisms, well that I'm aware of at least. I was outed by a medical procedure that made me talk under anaethstetic to medical personnel that know my coworkers. Nice huh. Now there are odd looks, snickers behind my back and vandalism to my car. I'm practically exiled as few people talk to me anymore. Tough spot to be in as going to HR or a lawyer with this would confirm the suspicion and likely bring it to light with my family. Sorry, enough about me.

Did you really want to be outed on their terms or would you rather it be on yours? You made the right call. Slamming the rest of the CD world sucks, but it is a way of defending yourself and deflecting the suspicion. Do what you have to do.

I don't imagine being totally out would be an easy way to live unless you plan to transition. Even then. Especially then. Those girls are tough!

[Ashleythenewgirl]

I for one do not feel you are a fraud. You do have a right to work in a safe environment at work and I think those who were critical of you were out of line.
You were placed in a very difficult situation and I think you handled it the best you could. Don't beat yourself up over it.
I hope you're doing better!
Ashley

[kimdl93]

I agree with everything said. Your gender identification and sexual preference are really none of their business, first of all. And second, if and when you chose to come out - is entirely your decision.

Obviously, some of the people there have noticed some things about you. Still, it really is a ridiculous thing for them to be arguing about! Don't they have jobs to do???

[KarenCDFL]

I would really love to ask the guy who started the this negative conversation in your office what color panties he was wearing that day.

I just find it pretty disgusting that people have to pick on the differences of others.

Glass houses and all that.

[Jamie001]

This is entirely UNPROFESSIONAL and ILLEGAL!! Your should complain to HR. It is harassment and you could legally sue the company.

I feel really sad. I denied my true self today. This morning when I got to work there was a big argument going on.

When I stepped in on the break room everybody got quiet for a moment then one of my coworkers told me that they were defending me against the ongoing rumor that I was being effeminate and gay.

There were two sides, one defending my masculinity and heterosexuality and the other side doubting on the reasons why I had my arms shaved and my brows waxed, They were arguing that manly guys don't do that.

Things were getting kind of heating up but I keep my cool all the time and acted like it everything was a nonsense and irrelevant but deep inside I was like I was falling in pieces. Then I denied being Gay or effeminate twice, I even made a few jokes about I think those were the ones that made feel even worse.

I feel really bad because I lost an opportunity to come out and be the real me but I think I the fear and insecurity won this time and that is why I feel like a fraud

Do you think I made a mistake?

[Chickhe]

You did the right thing. Except, you should follow-up by reporting the incident to your manager and HR... just that you felt uncomfortable. What I learned about work situations is to be very cafeful what personal information you share. A good way to quiet a group like that is to say...your SO likes you that way....and you are not going to argue with the person who makes your bed.

[Bobbie Bee]

You’re not a fraud Barbara, you were just being cautious for your own sake. We all have to weigh the consequences of our actions before we act and it was apparent to you at that the time and/or place it was not right for you. I think you made the right decision and I don’t see it as a bad decision. Hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon you pretty gurl.

[DonnaT]

I even made a few jokes about I think those were the ones that made feel even worse.

Do you think I made a mistake?

With regard to the jokes, yes, I think you did.

[Maxine_b]

Dear, whatever you do it should be on your own terms...not their's. besides, if you had spilled your guts and said this is me they would have used it to bash you over the head anyway. The only person YOU have to please is YOU! Do not beat yourself up over the perceived opinions of others. Or as Ru says, “Baby if you can’t love yourself…How the hell you gonna love somebody else”

[Lexine]

Barbara,

I was going to respond to this as soon as I saw it but I wanted to make sure that whatever I had to say was heartfelt and wasn't just echoing an already existing opinion.

For all the time I've been here on the forums, you've been very confident with your sexuality and your expression and that's a very admirable trait that I rarely see in the girls here. This event must've struck a blow to you quite a bit, considering that there's some uncertainty involved with how this would change the landscape of the work place should you actually come out.

I'm almost in the same boat, though my work isn't as testosterone filled as yours, but I felt that slowly finding people who will accept you for who you are helps. In your situation, if there were people defending me from other people, I'd wager that those might be the people who you should talk to and express what you feel inside and who you are inside. I can't guarantee that the reactions will be positive, but at the very least I'm hoping they'll be accepting. I came out to a lot of the girls here in my office, and some of the boys know but not all, but thus far they've been accepting of my situation even though I don't intend to go in as a girl to work.

I'm hoping that my post helped even in the slightest and keep us up to date on what's happening, k?

[Barbara Dugan]

Once again I want to thank everyone for your input and opinion. I really appreciate every single one comment

This was a first time situation and I wasn't' prepared to confront it. Today there were still some comments even one guy told me it was ok if I were gay no big deal. I know I am not the only one employee on this side of the rainbow... perhaps I should talk to them but hopefully things will settle down.

One thing I am pretty sure I will do this weekend is wax my brows the same way I am been doing it for the past months