Is it possible to live with your significant other and explore your femme side.

[mscatie85]

Hello Everyone,

I am just about a month away from having my wonderful girlfriend of one year move in with me. I am really happy but at the same point wondering how things are going to change. I know for a fact that my free time is going to be all but used up at least for the first couple of months. Now my girlfriend knows I like to dress as a girl once in awhile as a way to escape my male persona. For the most part she is okay with it now, a few months ago I couldn't say that. She can at least tolerate it as long as she doesn't see it or forced to participate in it.

I guess I feel that I want to explore my feminine side a little more and I fear that I am not going to have that chance once she moves in. That I will have to hide this from her saying I am going on business trips when I am actually taking time off to become Megan. I fear pushing the subject is only going to cause turbulence that causes major waves in our relationship.

I am looking from advice on how to approach the subject with my girlfriend.

So what are your thoughs about the topic above?

[Alice B]

You have to be totally honest with her and sit down and talk. Establish rules that you both can accept and live with. And, I would consider doing this before she moves in. You will both be far happier in the long run. Be sure to address her fears and concerns, as well as your desires.

[kimdl93]

All I can advise is patience, honesty and consideration. I told my present wife before we were engaged. She was ok with it from the beginning, and as long as I didn't expose her kids to it, she was fine with me dressing at home. That has become easier now that the kids are out of the next. Beyond that, I think if there are aspects of dressing that you can share with her, if you can express and enjoy aspects of femininity besides dressing, and invite her participation to the extent that she's comfortable, then over time you may find that she's increasingly willing to be invovled.

[Sara74]

Megan,
Trust me. You do not want to start off your relationship by living a lie. She already knows, but not to what extent this side of you is. I have been in several relationships and had to "hide" Sara completely. No one has ever known and it is very hard to deal with at times. Do yourself a favor, and her for that matter and seriously sit down and have a discussion about it. You do not want to have a happy home suddenly torn apart by a discovery that should never had been kept a secret in the first place. Consider yourself lucky that you have someone that at least is"OK" with all of this. Take your time and go slwly with it and maybe she will open up to the idea more as time goes on. But in my opinion, hiding it is only going to bring you pain and sadness.

[krissy]

i was totaly honest with my wife .she used to be involved with women before me i thought it would be perfect for us both ,BOY was I wrong.the first time she saw me dressed she freakd

[Holly]

Megan, I have a question for you. Why do you want to pursue a relationship with someone you fear won't allow you to be yourself, someone who would thwart your desire to learn more about yourself? This doesn't sound like the stuff longterm, committed, loving relationships are made of. My suggestion- put it on the table now. Better to discover there is a major incompatibility before longterm commitments are made by either party.

[JulieC]

I guess I feel that I want to explore my feminine side a little more and I fear that I am not going to have that chance once she moves in. That I will have to hide this from her saying I am going on business trips when I am actually taking time off to become Megan. I fear pushing the subject is only going to cause turbulence that causes major waves in our relationship.

I wouldn't lie about what you're doing. You've already gotten over the biggest hurdle that many CDers lie about; telling your SO. If you can get over that, you shouldn't lie to her about your crossdressing at all.

If your living arrangements are such that there's an area she can be in, and you can be in while dressed, you might say "I'm going downstairs, and spending some Megan time. Come join me if you'd like." Or something like that. Don't be ashamed of who you are.

She knows, she's agreeing to move in with you. Just continue to be up front about your needs, wants, and desires. Make sure you remain very interested in and respectful of her needs, wants, and desires.

[Jonianne]

......as long as she doesn't see it or forced to participate in it.....

Congratulations on finding someone that cares for you, but from personal experience, this doesn't sound too promising, .....yet.
Of course she shouldn't be forced to participate, always respect her boundries, but going into a relationship having to hide, so she doesn't see a significant part of who you are, is not healthy. And likely won't last. Have more discussions with her and talk about and see if there can be reasonable boundries and groundrules set for both to abide by, that could be expanded in time when you both are more comfortable.

[mscatie85]

Thanks to everyone for your reply. Your advice is helping me to formulate how to tell her about my thoughts and desires. While I disagree some peoples view that I should table the plans of moving in, I can at least respect your opinion. I just don't want to throw out a years worth of an otherwise great relationship with my girlfriend just because I want to have more time to explore my femme side but at the same point it might be the only way I get to without years of a rocky relationship because of my lifestyle.

Thank you all for your comments, please keep them coming if you feel you can add anything to the topic.
Megan

[MichelleL]

Megan, I agree with several other people here that you need to alk about this up-front, before she moves in. The stress of trying to limit your expression and/or hide it from her can become overwhelming. This really is something that needs to be discussed early. The ability to talk through the issues and each of you being able to be supportive of the other's feelings can really provide a strong foundation for your relationship.

To paraphase an old Chicago saying, "Talk Early, Talk Often."

[Sparkles]

If you have to hide any part of yourself that is not a good beginning to any relationship. I would get her used to and accepting of you dressing with or without her before I made the move of sharing a living space.

[Hope]

You don't want to give up on this relationship because you have already shoveled so many resources into it that you don't want to walk away... Think carefully about this before you shovel more resources into a relationship like that. "I don't want to loose my down payment" is not a sentiment you are going to see in a Hallmark card.

I understand not wanting to throw away a years worth of relationship over this issue, or any issue. A year of your life is a serious investment. But there is opportunity cost. As long as you are with this woman, you can't be with any others. And you already know that this woman is not, as the kids used to say, down. So while you are pouring MORE resources into this relationship, trying to make this investment pay off down the road somewhere, you are giving up the ability to invest in another relationship that will be much more likely to pay off.

You have to know when to cut your losses. This MAY be that time.

You haven't said how long ago you had "the conversation" with this girl, only that it doesn't seem to have gone particularly well, and that she is definitely less than accepting about it. That may be ok, to the extent that this is not the end of the story, but it is not good news. It may be a product of how you introduced this to her, and it may be a product of how much time she has had to decide what this means. Everyone deserves 6 months or so to come to terms with this sort of a thing, but if you are approaching that mark, and she still isn't willing to even see you dressed, it is time to cut her loose. Seriously. I wouldn't have a friend who treated me that way, much less some one I would refer to as a "Significant Other."

We know that this is not an issue that is going to go away on your side. The question is: is this is something she is going to grow into or not? If not, it is WAY better to put your resources into another relationship, with a person who is going to actually love you for who you are.

[5150 Girl]

If my SO hadn' moved in wih me, I might still be in the closet

[Kelly Blaine]

Megan, I have a question for you. Why do you want to pursue a relationship with someone you fear won't allow you to be yourself, someone who would thwart your desire to learn more about yourself? This doesn't sound like the stuff longterm, committed, loving relationships are made of. My suggestion- put it on the table now. Better to discover there is a major incompatibility before longterm commitments are made by either party

Exactly as Holly said. I agree totally!

[RhondaLynn]

If my SO hadn' moved in wih me, I might still be in the closet

I know where you're coming from, 5150! I'd known my SO for ~10 years, dated a few times, & lived w/ her for 4 years before she found out. It was ROUGH, but we somehow made it through in one piece, except I left the closet behind somewhere - I got tired of being confined to my room in my own house & said "This is me - i'll do as i please - it's the same me as you've known for years - so accept it or g'bye...", or something along those lines...

My advice would be to take a smoother route than we did, but i'm not the one to be giving advice on anything, by any means.

All i can say is that you have to be true to who you are and how you feel, but at the same time, be aware of her needs & don't push too hard at the wrong time(s). A little can go a long way, but a lot will get you nowhere.

I enjoy our lives together as they are today, but at the same time, I think i could be just as happy if not happier living alone. I don't know - the grass is always greener, as they say... It is nice to have someone to share this part of me with though, however accepting she may be at any time.

[Satrana]

Why would you want your GF to move in and not have this issue more firmly resolved? Is it not better to get things right from the beginning rather than have to muddle through this later when it is more difficult to deal with because you are already living together. It is way easier to deal with this now before you begin spending all your time together. For example while you can respect her wish not to be involved you should establish that you will want to CD 1-2 times per week and she has to make private time available to you. Also you should not be forced to hide any of your feminine clothes but have them stored normally in drawers and the closet etc. Being afraid of raising these issues now will give your GF a false perspective that CDing is something she can ignore altogether because it will have no impact on the relationship - but that is not really true is it?

[Josey]

Can;t add to what has already been said. Many of us played our cards close to the chest while at the same time, little by little, our activities as a CDer expanded as our SO became comfortable with it. Bottom line: Go easy!

[Sandra]

Please talk to her more about your cding...if you don't and she finds out that you have been lying when you've been having time as Megan then things are not going to be very good. It could end up with her not being able to trust you you.

[AKAMichelle]

I think the answer is definitely yes even though I wasn't able to experience it

[mscatie85]

I just wanted to update everyone on the situation, Last night when my girlfriend was over we got into a conversation about the fears of living together. That was when I brought up my crossdressing again. I made sure to tell her how much it was a part of who I was and that nothing would ever change that. After my rant she came up to me and kissed me, telling me that it was only clothes and that she is proud to have a boyfriend like me and would be supportive no matter what. Ever since then she has been kind of excited about it, asking my dress and shoe size, telling me that I could borrow her things.

I feel like I have won the lottery but then again I felt that way when I first met her, thank you all for your advice.
Megan

[MichelleL]

Megan,

That sounds wonderful. Keep communicating.

[Jamie391]

Megan, I totally agree with the majority, BE HONEST! Try to slowly, get her to be more involved as time goes on, but don't try to live out a lie, because in time she will figure it out, and it won't be pretty. Good luck! You at least have a good start that she is aware.

[BRANDYJ]

Megan, I have a question for you. Why do you want to pursue a relationship with someone you fear won't allow you to be yourself, someone who would thwart your desire to learn more about yourself? This doesn't sound like the stuff longterm, committed, loving relationships are made of. My suggestion- put it on the table now. Better to discover there is a major incompatibility before longterm commitments are made by either party.

Holly, you said all I wanted to say about it. I would never consider moving a girl in that from the get go has issues with my being TG. This will end in a disaster and the pain for both is not worth it.
To start a relationship with a lie will end that relationship with some hard truths.

[Shananigans]

I mean, it certainly is possible. My SO and I lived together for a year and we enjoyed Camie time. But, she also felt comfortable enough to "dress down" and just come to bed in a slip or a nightie. But, we had already discussed these things. She would have her own place for her things...and she could dress when she liked. (I did have some rules with the leg shaving/clogging up the drain/picking up the bear fur out of the bathroom when you are done). Again, they were things that we talked about. Now, to be really honest with you...if she says she is okay with it as long as she doesn't have to see it...wow. That's not promising at all. It doesn't sound like she is very accepting. Talk to her about where you would keep your femme things. See if she is okay with you even keeping them. And, talk to her about when and where you would be dressing if she doesn't want to be around it. I'm glad to hear that she is has let you borrow some things and is being supportive...but, is she still saying the "I don't want to have to see it" thing?

[mscatie85]

I just wanted to clarify the situation between me and my girlfriend. We had a good talk a few nights ago. I expressed my fear that when we live together there would be no time to dress up as our schedules are two closely related. She reassured me that no matter what she fell in love with the person not the clothes. She has even gone as far as to allow me full access to her clothes. I stated to her that initially I will try to keep things out of view to ease her into it. Since the conversation we have had our little jokes about it which is nice but we have also had more open communication about the topic. I still feel there is some uneasiness about the subject but only time will tell.