Am I ugly?

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I sent the following to my wife this morning in an e-mail. The response I got was a wonderful loving, caring response but I won't post her response for her privacy. She believes the opposite, but this is MY view of myself.



After reading this, I want you to know that I am NOT putting this out there for sympathy. I just need to tell you this so I can come to reconciliation with it. This is my informal therapy.

Thinking back to when I was about 9 or 10 years old, I remember thinking I was ugly. That feeling stuck with me through the years. I was teased some but nothing too unusual and it wasn’t about being cute. I was teased about normal stuff (like having my pants too short). I had many girl friends that told me I was cute, etc. but I never felt that way. In eighth grade (14 years old) I was invited to a birthday party only to find out I was the ONLY boy there. The interesting part was that I was OK with it. And the girls loved having me there.

I’ve always been more comfortable around women & girls than I have around men. Now that I’m married to a wonderful woman and I have two beautiful daughters, I still feel that I’m ugly or not sexy sometimes. I know my wife loves me and tells me I’m cute & sexy, but I still don’t feel that way, until I transform into Kim. When I’m Kim I know I’m not the prettiest girl out there, but I still feel like I am pretty.

I guess that’s why I want to be a girl sometimes. I want to be pretty. I picture all women as pretty & I want to be like them so I can see myself like I see them. But in all of this, I don’t want to lose my wife & kids because of my need to feel pretty. I would rather live as an ugly male than live as a pretty female without my soul mate and the product of our love, our children. I hope she understands this.


Thanks for reading.

Hugs,

[Chickhe]

You look nice in your avitar. When I dress I think I look good maybe half the time... There is a filter between the mirror and you called a brain. Take photos from all angles and lighting and look at them a day or two later and you will see your opinion changes. I'll take ugly if it means passing, but generally what's most important is feeling good.

[Shananigans]

You are lovely. You shouldn't even be worrying. But, I have to disagree with you when you say, "I guess that’s why I want to be a girl sometimes. I want to be pretty. I picture all women as pretty & I want to be like them so I can see myself like I see them." I know plenty of GG's that are both horrid on the inside and the outside. None of that really seems to apply to you...so, be your beautiful self.

[SherriePall]

Kim -- You are a pretty woman. No arguments, please. As for how you look en drab, I'd rather not know, but if it's any consolation, I always feel much better about myself after I put on "my face" and throw on my hair.
I, too, am stuck in this inbetween world for the same reason as you. My wife puts up with me even though she doesn't understand. At this time I could not ask for anything better.

[TiffanyTgirl]

You are what you feel. when you are transforming, you are creating something and you feel pretty. and you are right. How ever, when in drab, you don't think so. Ok I know that I don't have movie star looks, but my SO is good looking and she thinks I am, so I must not be ugly. Give yourself credit. I neither think I am something I am not, nor do i put myself down. I think you make a cute girl, so it follows that you are probably a decent looking guy. Hope this helped.

[Roxanne_Alternate]

Everyone is beautiful in some way or another. For me, it's personality before looks. One must never judge a book by it's cover. I have often found that the prettiest girls have the most rotten personalities.
Your personality is so much more important than your looks. It's sad most of us don't see it that way.

[Kaz]

Kim, your avatar is great; you look very pretty indeed.

I do empathise with what you say though. In drab I feel so completely unattractive, though yeah I am still with my partner (33 years now) and have 3 great daughters and a grand-daughter of 3. But I have felt crap about myself all my life. As Kaz... the problem is I know I look awful (well, some pics work out okay - you don't get to see the 100s and 1000s that don't make it!), but I FEEL great! I have even gone walkabout as Kaz.. sometimes it has worked, others not so good (though that was probably me).

You look great though and I hope you got a great response from your SO.

Kaz xx

[Kim_Bitzflick]

Girls thanks for the affirmations. I wasn't looking for it, but thanks.

[NicoleScott]

Kim, I'm sure you weren't fishing for compliments, but you got some anyway. I agree; you look great.

I never considered myself particularly handsome nor ugly. Very average looking. Fortunately, a few girls in my life must have thought I was cute. Ask 100 people where I (male) rank on an attractiveness scale. Ask the same 100 people where my wife ranks. I guarantee she will score higher. So I somehow married "up" in the looks department. Of course, there's more than looks. Anyway, I live with what I got, in male mode.

In female mode, it's different. I'm able to change my looks to a greater extent than I can in male mode, and I do. Not everybody likes how I make up and dress, but I do. I have been out some, but mostly stay in, so I don't have to comply with anybody's fashion rules. I do what makes me happy, and I like the result. Again, it matters some but not much to me what others think. I know what I like, and I do what I like because it makes me feel [that I look] good.

As a guy, my self-image is just ok. Nothing to celebrate, nothing to mope over.
As a girl, much higher self-image. Just a fantasy, of course, since it's just part-time.

[Freddy12]

Kim,
You are a very pretty girl. More importantly, you are a lovely person. Inner beauty is more important that outward looks, but IMHO you have them both. It is easy to be critical of your own looks, but please recognize that you are not objective. Believe that you are pretty. While others saying so may be nice, you need to believe it yourself. You are pretty.

[kimdl93]

Hi Kim,

Interesting and revealing. I suspect that many of us have felt somewhat out of place at times, and especially different - which we interpreted as "deficient" or "wrong" or "bad". I'm sure many of us also that we liked being around other women, enjoyed dressing like them...and some of us wished we could become women to some degree...while this reinforced the notion that we were flawed. A full realization of our identities, including the feminine part, often doesn't come until we've also invested heavily in our traditional roles as male partners and parents. We shouldn't have to give up a loving partner or a family to fully be ourselves, although we know that many of us have faced this as well. I'm so happy that your wife is supportive and understanding...and that you can have all that you deserve as a whole person.

[AKAMichelle]

we all have a bit of those feelings in us. We feel pretty when we are a woman and I'm sure that that has something to do with our desire to dress.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

If it's any consolation, after spending a total of 1 second of looking at your avatar, and from reading the content of your post you definitely are not ugly.

[Kim_Bitzflick]

If it's any consolation, after spending a total of 1 second of looking at your avatar, and from reading the content of your post you definitely are not ugly.

Thanks. I know the female me is pretty. It's the male part I view as ugly.

[danielle.cd]

just remember theres alot of pretty ggs out there that dont look so pretty without there makeup. then the ones that look beautiful with no makeup and hardly ever where any dont seem to be so stuck up either just my two cents , i pretty muck agree with every thing u said

[Ashleythenewgirl]

You are not ugly. You are actually very cute and have a great smile. Plus your hairstyle is really a good one for you. Shall I go on?
Interesting you should post this as I have had some new feelings since accepting my crossdressing desires. Once I tried on that wig for the first time, I felt that I was on the road to being attractive.
And I can totally relate to how you feel. I once had an ex girlfriend tell meI was not "gorgeous to the hilt or worth dying for." Those are her words from 17 years ago. Yeah I still remember them.
It has stuck with me.
You have nothing to worry about cutie!

[docrobbysherry]

I thot if I married a beautiful woman, our CHILDREN would be pretty!

Unfortunately, BOTH of my ex's daughters resemble their DADS!
And, in MY CASE, DARN!

R U ugly? I'm keeping my opinion to myself! People that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!

[Helen_Highwater]

If you're ugly, I'm the one whose face caught fire and they put it out with the back of a shovel; as they cruelly say in my neck of the woods; or; has a face like a bag full of spanners.
In you avatar I see a young atractive woman. What a burden to live with! If only we all had such a heavy weight to carry.
Your wife sees the person not the facade. She chose to be with you and continues to be with you for the person you are.
Anyway, who wants to look like Tom Cruise?

[Elle1946]

My beauty isn't what I see, but I how I feel inside.

[7sisters]

My dear sweet friend, no one is ugly and everyone is beautiful in his or her own way. Please do appreciate what you have. You are elegant and poised. And you are a good human being. That is all that matters in the end.

[Sophie86]

It's weird. I felt that way growing up too, but when I look at (some of) my school pictures now I think, "Damn, I looked good!"

Of course, I don't think I look good now as a male--most of the time--but I suppose when I look back in 20 yrs....

I have wondered if I do this because I can't see myself as attractive unless I am presenting as a woman. I doubt that's the primary reason, but it may be one small factor.

Glad your wife was so loving and supportive.

[janice murray]

not at all!

[t-girlxsophie]

I see Women working behind the make-up counters in Dept stores,their faces plastered with makeup,and wonder how do they look au naturelle.Looks alone dont define ppl,whats in ones heart can make you a lovely person.As for myself I dont consider myself pretty in any way.but when my wife says I look lovely I feel like the most beautiful person in the world

Sophie xx

[Chari]

Beauty comes from within and is always in the eye of the beholder! Viewing your avatar and reading your posts, it is very doubtful that you are an "ugly" individual, but one that judges yourself too harshly! Some moments in our life we may not feel, look, or perform in a beautiful manner, but we are always in our heart & soul an amazing creation.

[linda allen]

Kim -- You are a pretty woman. ..........

I'll agree with that.