I sent the following to my wife this morning in an e-mail. The response I got was a wonderful loving, caring response but I won't post her response for her privacy. She believes the opposite, but this is MY view of myself.
After reading this, I want you to know that I am NOT putting this out there for sympathy. I just need to tell you this so I can come to reconciliation with it. This is my informal therapy.
Thinking back to when I was about 9 or 10 years old, I remember thinking I was ugly. That feeling stuck with me through the years. I was teased some but nothing too unusual and it wasn’t about being cute. I was teased about normal stuff (like having my pants too short). I had many girl friends that told me I was cute, etc. but I never felt that way. In eighth grade (14 years old) I was invited to a birthday party only to find out I was the ONLY boy there. The interesting part was that I was OK with it. And the girls loved having me there.
I’ve always been more comfortable around women & girls than I have around men. Now that I’m married to a wonderful woman and I have two beautiful daughters, I still feel that I’m ugly or not sexy sometimes. I know my wife loves me and tells me I’m cute & sexy, but I still don’t feel that way, until I transform into Kim. When I’m Kim I know I’m not the prettiest girl out there, but I still feel like I am pretty.
I guess that’s why I want to be a girl sometimes. I want to be pretty. I picture all women as pretty & I want to be like them so I can see myself like I see them. But in all of this, I don’t want to lose my wife & kids because of my need to feel pretty. I would rather live as an ugly male than live as a pretty female without my soul mate and the product of our love, our children. I hope she understands this.
Thanks for reading.
Hugs,