I guess I'll start by saying that I don't know.
I don't know my sexuality. I tell my parents I'm straight and yet I'm into feminine guys.
I don't know why I shave my legs. I tell my parents it's just too itchy to let it grow back, but I've done that before. I can't bring myself to tell them I just like it.
I don't know why I don't go shopping. I tell my parents it's because I don't have the money, but it's really that I'm not comfortable shopping for feminine clothes in public.
I don't know why I don't try makeup. I just flat out don't tell my parents this, and I still let it bug me.
I'm a person with an immense guilt complex. After I started dating Jerret a few years back I worked up the nerve to tell my mom and dad, and Dad got into this Bible stuff and how it was a sin and Mom started telling me I was just making up for attention and that I was hurting them both and I ended up breaking up with Jerret. I didn't really like Jerret, but you get the point. More than anyone, my parents have dictated my decisions in my life even when they aren't around. I don't go try on clothes because I'm scared that my parents, who live FIVE HOURS AWAY wouldn't approve. I don't go ask about makeup and stuff because I'm scared of what people, what my parents, would say about me.
Hell, I don't even know how to meet people like me because I'm too scared to seek them out!
What I'm getting at is that I really have no outlet for who I am or how I feel. I don't know how to handle myself. If I have a crisis, I call my parents. If I have a financial decision, I call my parents. But I do have a crisis: I'm bi and don't know what to do about that. I do have financial troubles: I want to shop for more feminine clothes and makeups and hair creams and wigs and stuff but I don't because I tell myself I don't have the money.
The best type of glasses. The best kind of workout for a feminine figure. The best types of conditioners and creams and ways to hide my beard and how to put on eye makeup and how to relax and just be myself. I have NO outlet for that! I have a million-billion questions and there is no one in my life I can turn to. It hurts... I don't like that a part of me I am just discovering and embracing is being pushed back by this constantly nagging voice of my mom, "You're just doing it for attention."
I don't want to be a man in woman's clothing. I want to be a feminine man who looks "cute" rather than "tough" and who might pass as a girl to the casual observer. I don't have the body shape. I have a very square head and a lot of fat in the worst places (neck, love handles, and back) but I'm not comfortable going into a gym and asking for a personal trainer to "make me look like a girl." I'm not about to consider hormone treatments so breasts will grow and hips will get wider. I'm not about to do any of that stuff because I DON'T KNOW! And the reason why I don't know is because I'm so damn insecure that I have to ask my parents.
In the end, I hate lying to my parents. If I date another guy, they will know. If I start wearing a dress, I'm going to tell them. I respect them too much, but at the same time, I'm really really scared of how much this will hurt them... I hate hurting them and I'm making myself hurt in their place.
So... I welcome any advice. Thanks for letting me rant. <3