A Day that could change everything

[AKAMichelle]

[SIZE=3]Here I am preparing to finally file the divorce papers and I am shaking my head is such disbelief. I don’t think that I have ever had things happen which leave me questioning everything in my life.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]My wife went yesterday and did something very sweet and over the top to help both of us. We were having severe cash flow issues waiting on some new contracts to be signed and she sold some jewelry which she had inherited and one piece that I gave her years before for cash to shore up our finances. We had been struggling for 2 weeks and were behind on some of our bills but we were holding our own. I was a little upset at her selling the piece that I gave her but I understood. The money really came in handy. This act of selflessness caused me to become a pile of mush. It led to so many conversations yesterday which got us back to talking in a way that no one could ever explain. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]We discussed the reasons for the divorce and secrets which she knew of but had never seen. It was pretty amazing all in all. She had come over to my house which she had never done so I showed her different pairs of shoes and purses that I owned. Then she went into my closet and we discussed my style of clothing where it was determined that I was imitating her style. I told her that I loved the way she dressed and I only wished to look as feminine as her. This set off a whole set of conversations where we discussed the meetup group that I run in Denver. The whole thing was at a level of understanding and acceptance that she had never shown before. I couldn’t believe the way this conversation was progressing. We hadn’t talked like this in many years. She even saw pictures of many of my friends and me. She had never wanted to see a picture of me before and she said it wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be, but that I did look my mom. Oh well at least I wasn’t an ugly oger. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]It was one of the best days that we had spent together. I took her to dinner and then we bought a movie which both of us wanted to see and I wanted to keep. She had agreed several weeks ago to go to a Halloween party with me dressed on the 23rd. So we bought her costume and I thought I would get a different costume but I like the original costume the best after all so later this week I will go back and try it on before buying it. We talked about being TG and she understood so much more than ever before. This left me wondering what to do next. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]This was a small issue which she said that she would never accept and all of a sudden she is accepting. I now am questioning my reasons for the divorce and whether or not I should try to deal with the bigger issues as well. I’m just not sure where to go next. I think the only prudent thing to do is wait on filing until we have a lot more conversations. We made so much progress in one day that it becomes possible to work through the rest of the issues. I still love her and probably always will, but I just know we have grown apart. We want totally different things in life and I am content to let her find someone else who will make her happy because together we are miserable. But today was so different that I have to go back 5-10 years before I can even remember a day close to this one. [/SIZE]

[linnea]

We often don't know some of the most basic things about our friends, spouses, and others until something very significant changes in our relationships. It's odd in a way, yet I think that it's probably normal and natural in close relationships where we often see what we want to see and overlook a lot.
It's nice that you had some very wonderful revelatory time with her.

[AllieSF]

Wow Michelle, you are in a very interesting situation. Unless there is a special reason (tax purposes, others?) i see no reason to not delay the filing. As Linnea said a significant change sometimes helps each partner break down their barriers and then start to understand and to talk honestly without all the animosity. It can be another opportunity to still make it work out to both parties satisfaction. Just remember you can enter into a different type of fog that could cloud each other's vision. But at our age we have time to make things work but not so much time to live life as we are, and we are different from what we were and portrayed to others. You both will still have so much to talk about. That is what is so fantastic, talking like two adults with no axes to grind. Good luck and I say Go For It! What do you have to lose?

[BRANDYJ]

I am really touched by your story Michelle. This is good news! My thoughts.... You still love her. She is now ready to accept and perhaps now understands many issues about you in ways you have not even thought of. Most important, it sounds like she still loves you. So I'm wondering why the talk about ending the divorce proceedings has not come up...yet. I understands that thing about growing apart and wanting different things. Been there done that with my now ex-wife. Now that I think back, it was more me growing apart from her then her growing apart from me. No, it was not the crossdressing issue. That in of itself was never a problem for us.
Well that was 5 years ago. Today I am in love with someone new. I will not let the same mistakes I made hurt the love I now have. But with that said, I still wonder if I had done some things differently, if I focused more on her would we, could we have made it work. I did love her and know she loved me too. I feel fortunate in that we are now friends...even after I hurt hurt deeply when I made the decision to move out and seek a new life. So to be honest, I regret many things I did emotionally to a very goo woman. To late to change it today and of course I don't want to change it. It's to late. I'm happy in love with someone that has taught me to be a better person, a better man. Michelle, slow down! Don't let this be you writing this 5 years later. Open up to her. Ask her if she wants to make it work. Tell her you still love her. With love, anything is possible if you want it to be.
I look at how your thoughts have changed since your last post about your wife. I have a strong feeling that she wants to make it work. Sure you can bot move on and find someone new. But love once deep in the heart, never completely goes away. So spend more good times with her. My guess and bet is neither of you want to end your close bond that now seems to have gotten even closer...or at least more open and honest.
I sincerely wish you luck and love my friend.

[Inna]

Michelle, weather you both are married or divorced your relationship with each other can very well still grow. Love knows no boundaries and to know each other without hesitations and secrets is sacred. Our culture dictates regimes we ought to follow but few ever question those commandments. Do what your heart feels is right, at the end knowing you have done what felt right is the way of life.
Love, ALexia

[GaleWarning]

It's cheaper to stay married and in five years' time you will probably be glad you did.
BTW ... does your wife feel the same way as you do right now?

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Michelle my thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife i do hope you can work things out.

Hugs,Love and Peace to both of you.

warmest regards

Giselle Reeves

[Ashleythenewgirl]

Wow Michelle....I am not sure what to say except it looks as though there is some good in this for you both. I hope that things work out in many areas for you both.
I'm pulling for ya.
Your friend
Ashley

[Ruth]

No-one else has said it yet so I'll say it - she may well be tolerant and even accepting of things in an ex-husband that she simply cannot put up with in a husband. But you may find that post-divorce she remains a friend.

[AKAMichelle]

I am really touched by your story Michelle. This is good news! My thoughts.... You still love her. She is now ready to accept and perhaps now understands many issues about you in ways you have not even thought of. Most important, it sounds like she still loves you. So I'm wondering why the talk about ending the divorce proceedings has not come up...yet. I understands that thing about growing apart and wanting different things. Been there done that with my now ex-wife. Now that I think back, it was more me growing apart from her then her growing apart from me. No, it was not the crossdressing issue. That in of itself was never a problem for us.
Well that was 5 years ago. Today I am in love with someone new. I will not let the same mistakes I made hurt the love I now have. But with that said, I still wonder if I had done some things differently, if I focused more on her would we, could we have made it work. I did love her and know she loved me too. I feel fortunate in that we are now friends...even after I hurt hurt deeply when I made the decision to move out and seek a new life. So to be honest, I regret many things I did emotionally to a very goo woman. To late to change it today and of course I don't want to change it. It's to late. I'm happy in love with someone that has taught me to be a better person, a better man. Michelle, slow down! Don't let this be you writing this 5 years later. Open up to her. Ask her if she wants to make it work. Tell her you still love her. With love, anything is possible if you want it to be.
I look at how your thoughts have changed since your last post about your wife. I have a strong feeling that she wants to make it work. Sure you can bot move on and find someone new. But love once deep in the heart, never completely goes away. So spend more good times with her. My guess and bet is neither of you want to end your close bond that now seems to have gotten even closer...or at least more open and honest.
I sincerely wish you luck and love my friend.

The answer to the question is yes she would want to stay together but I am the one pulling away. There are multiple issues invovled and cd'ing was a small one but it did lead to conversations that made progress on a few of the other ones. I wonder why she is becoming so accepting and I am not sure as to the why.

I am undecided at the moment so I will gladly go into a holding pattern and wait to make any more decisions. I think we should just take the time to figure out everything and see where we go. I do suspect that it is just her being accepting as long as it isn't her husband. Time will tell what the right decision will be. I have time to wait and get this one right.

[Lucy_Bella]

Michelle,

I was in the same boat a few months back, my wife, and yes I am still married kept hinting that she wanted to get back together. I explained to her, that since we have been seperated for well over 2 years I have really accepted my dressing and it is a part of me. I made sure she knew that I was going to continue to dress , she asked if I was going to do it in front of her because she didn't want to see it. I told her no and that I just wanted her to know ,but I will need some me time to get the dressing out of my system from time to time.

She was, or seemed to be okay with that. So she started staying over my place a few nights we even took a trip out of town and stayed at a motel . I thought that things were going fairly well untill we had a dis agreement over one of the kids ( nothing to do with my dressing ) .It was something very small and we are bothe very stubborn, went a few days with out talking . I had prior to seeing her again signed into Zoosk, didn't like it never went back. Well Zoosk posted on my facebook page and she seen it, so still and yet no talking found out from my daughter shortly after the trip she started seeing someone else...

To me and in the past was different ,that was the last straw..I will never go back to her and I never felt that strong about before. We have been together since high school and leaving has always been hurtfull , now I am ready to move on and I will have those divorce papers ready for her to sign very soon..

I wrote this so maybe somewhere in between the lines you might see, exes always seem to hint around about coming back but in the end what tore you apart will soon happen again. It was time for me and my wife to call it off and we tried to work it out many different times believe me.. It just wasn't meant to be, I know my wife cares about me due to past history and we are not out to hurt each other. She was willing to talk about my dressing but still didn't want to deal with it, I can take that . I will no longer mis understand her being kind or nice to me and mix it up into her attempts to get back together but to take as her saying I do love you I care about you I just can't live with you anymore..

[GaleWarning]

Another thing to think about, Michelle, not sure if it applies ....

Apart from the money ... all divorces leave both parties less well-off ... there is the family to consider.

It took years for my kids to speak to me again ... even now, I am not on the guest list when it comes to important events such as marriages, funerals, 21sts etc ...

[Jenny Gurl]

The fact that you think of her well being first says you really love her a lot. It takes a special person to let someone go so they might find someone better, even though it hurts you. That said, the fact you are willing to make such a large sacrifice might mean you are a good person for her. Will the next person love her so much? Sounds like a lot to think about and talk over. You are already married, waiting a little longer to end it might be time you both need to be certain it is the best decision.

[BRANDYJ]

The answer to the question is yes she would want to stay together but I am the one pulling away. There are multiple issues invovled and cd'ing was a small one but it did lead to conversations that made progress on a few of the other ones. I wonder why she is becoming so accepting and I am not sure as to the why.

I am undecided at the moment so I will gladly go into a holding pattern and wait to make any more decisions. I think we should just take the time to figure out everything and see where we go. I do suspect that it is just her being accepting as long as it isn't her husband. Time will tell what the right decision will be. I have time to wait and get this one right.

Michelle, I do not agree with the notion that a wife...your wife, will accept her husband's CDing when it is no longer a part of their marriage...meaning when the separate and divorce. What for? Just to keep a husband as a friend? I don't think so. I would rather believe it is her, (any or most wives), last ditch effort to save the marriage by trying to deal with and cope with whatever feelings she had that made her not accept it earlier before the marriage was in serious trouble. I think it is an honest effort on her part to learn, understand and hopefully accept that you are the same person. That perhaps your having to hiding the CD issue from her is in fact the root cause of many of the other issues in the marriage. Let's face it, if you have to keep that part of your very being from her, then it surely means that you did not share in totally open and honest communication about those things that are important to both. Even for those wives that know, but never want to see it or hear anything about it, breeds a lack of that same open and honest communication. Your wife may be trying hard to understand you. She may even be trying to open up to you and more important, get you to open up to her. To me, open and honest communication is one of the foundations of truly loving someone. So by now talking about your dressing, her going to a party with you dressed is a way for her to begin communicating with you on a deeper level. A woman can remain friends with a CDing husband and never need to share they way your wife is trying. So it makes me wonder.............. What if.....What if she not only comes to accept your dressing, but tells you to dress at home any time you wish. What if she decides she will want to meet your TG friends and become part of your group. What if she shows you that her love for you is what drives her to not only accept you for you, but now even may begin to enjoy you as you are in any mode? It's possible, It could happen. It has happened for others. But the key is communication based on the mutual love and respect you have for each other. Are you willing to compromise and let her set the pace... perhaps begin a whole new and fully aware romance/ Forgive me for being the romantic, but I think it is so worth it. My opinion is she is reaching out to you to try to save the marriage. I hope I'm right and you begin to see the love she has for you and that you begin to appreciate it and show her, tell her and try to work things out in an unselfish way. I do wish you and your wife happiness. I look for good things to come from her bold, first steps to continue to love you...all of you.

[Jodygurl]

After all the years you all have had together I have to think that it's worth the effort to back off for now. Sit tight, keep the communication flowing and pray that she is more willing to be understanding than to walk off into loneliness. Think before you pull the trigger.
I'll say a little prayer than things come out for the best.

[Amanda22]

Michelle, you're losing nothing by holding off on the filing of papers. Another responder said that whatever the issues were that drove you to this point will only come back. I think that is true, because generally people don't change. However, you'll never, ever find a relationship that doesn't have some issue (and I'm not talking about crossdressing). I'm an optimist and I don't think there is any conflict that cannot be overcome when two people make the effort to be kind and considerate of each other. That comes through understanding the other person. I've always believed that "love" isn't enough. Each partner must truly respect the other. Out of respect, two people won't intentionally harm each other and will try very hard to see the other's point of view.

I have a strong feeling that your wife is trying to show you through action (not just talk) that she is accepting and supporting of crossdressing. I know the crossdressing is a small thing and not the reason for your drifting apart. But if you look at this from her perspective, it is an opportunity for her to show you love and respect. That's an amazing effort and I know you value it. I totally don't go for the idea that she's OK with crossdressing if you aren't her husband. The fact that she's toeing the line of being accepting means she'd be that way whether you're her husband or not.

It's just my feeling that of all the issues you have between you, she's chosen to be accepting of your crossdressing because it is a tangible offering on her part showing that she believes there is hope for the two of you and is willing to work on her deficiencies.

I think that by delaying the divorce filing, you're giving both of you the opportunity to re-invent your relationship. Who cares if it is unconventional? We're an unconventional group! I would not give up on this relationship. I think the best thing you can do for each other is to be totally honest. It sounds like the reality of divorce has given both of you some freedom to express yourselves and I think that rekindled closeness may be the basis of a recovery.

I hope my rambling helps...

[sissystephanie]

Michelle, the one thing that has to be the strongest in any marriage is LOVE!! Do you love your wife, and does she love you? If the answer to that question is YES, then why are you contemplating divorce? True love can overcome all kinds of obstacles, if you allow it to. Every marriage has its ups and downs. I was married for almost 50 years before my wife passed away, and we certainly did have some problems!! Not with my being a CD, since she knew about that before we married. But any two people living together are going to have problems. How you solve them without coming to a seperation or divorce is up to you, but it can be done. Maybe it will take time, but that is better then totally splitting up!! I hope the two of you can get back together again!!

[AKAMichelle]

Michelle, the one thing that has to be the strongest in any marriage is LOVE!! Do you love your wife, and does she love you? If the answer to that question is YES, then why are you contemplating divorce? True love can overcome all kinds of obstacles, if you allow it to. Every marriage has its ups and downs. I was married for almost 50 years before my wife passed away, and we certainly did have some problems!! Not with my being a CD, since she knew about that before we married. But any two people living together are going to have problems. How you solve them without coming to a seperation or divorce is up to you, but it can be done. Maybe it will take time, but that is better then totally splitting up!! I hope the two of you can get back together again!!

The reason is simple. Together we both are miserable but apart we share a lot of good times. I guess too much togetherness is one of our problems.

["Mary"]

I don't have any advice. Wishing the best and praying for you.

[BRANDYJ]

I'm thinking that with this new awareness of her either accepting, or trying to accept your crossdressing, the now open and honest sharing... that you might be able to but that being miserable together in past tense. Now it's possible she will share in even more good times...together. But OK, I admit, we can have to much together time. All of us need our alone time. Even your wife. It makes the getting home or back together so much sweeter.

[t-girlxsophie]

This kind of thing happened at the end of my first marriage,my ex came round to my house and we had a long discussion,plenty questions were asked,actually the sort of questions maybe should have been asked when we were married,we actually had one occasion when she saw me dressed,and we had good conversation together ,but Alas this wasn't to last for as soon as my Son accidentally,found out that I cross dressed,Her understanding disappeared and today,things between us are a little strained,but civil.Maybe once the Intimacy and desires of a relationship have gone,Some folk can stay on good terms with their exes

I think if there's so much as a spark still between you both there is always a chance,with a lot of heart to heart discussion that you can still have a future together.I sincerely hope that is the case.i wish you the very best of luck

Sophie xx

[AKAMichelle]

This kind of thing happened at the end of my first marriage,my ex came round to my house and we had a long discussion,plenty questions were asked,actually the sort of questions maybe should have been asked when we were married,we actually had one occasion when she saw me dressed,and we had good conversation together ,but Alas this wasn't to last for as soon as my Son accidentally,found out that I cross dressed,Her understanding disappeared and today,things between us are a little strained,but civil.Maybe once the Intimacy and desires of a relationship have gone,Some folk can stay on good terms with their exes

I think if there's so much as a spark still between you both there is always a chance,with a lot of heart to heart discussion that you can still have a future together.I sincerely hope that is the case.i wish you the very best of luck

Sophie xx

My situation is odd because I had hidden the fact that our youngest son knows about my cd'ing from her. He had never told her until 2 weeks ago. Now she is aware that all of my kids know and realize that I am the same either way. Now none of my kids want to see me dressed but that is ok because they know about me. All of this acceptance happened after she found out that all of my kids know.

I have had a lot of time this weekend to reflect on what happened and I am beginning to believe that everything will lead only to a very strong friendship. I have been separated 8 times from her over the 27 year marriage and I realize that some of the issues why we split up never got fixed. They just got buried deeper only to return many months or years later. I don't think that I can ever turn off the love that I have for her but together we have been pretty miserable for parts of our marriage. The last couple of years have gotten a lot worse. I think that maybe working on the friendship is the best way to deal with this. I have to say that I feel very fortunate that we will end up being so close after our divorce. So many couples end up fighting and never being able to talk peacefully at their children's marriages, holidays and grandkids births and functions with them.

[GaleWarning]

I have to say that I feel very fortunate that we will end up being so close after our divorce. So many couples end up fighting and never being able to talk peacefully at their children's marriages, holidays and grandkids births and functions with them.

So true!!!
Some never even get invited.

[Babeba]

I have to say that I feel very fortunate that we will end up being so close after our divorce. So many couples end up fighting and never being able to talk peacefully at their children's marriages, holidays and grandkids births and functions with them.

You know, I've heard of divorced couples who leave nearby each other and are good chums with the extra little distance from each other. I think it would be difficult to be completely out of each other's lives... at this point, I would say to do whatever will make you both the happiest whether you stay married or not. Michelle, it might be worth writing her a little note and telling HER (not just us) how good a day you felt it was, and thanking her. I bet she'd really appreciate it!

[AKAMichelle]

You know, I've heard of divorced couples who leave nearby each other and are good chums with the extra little distance from each other. I think it would be difficult to be completely out of each other's lives... at this point, I would say to do whatever will make you both the happiest whether you stay married or not. Michelle, it might be worth writing her a little note and telling HER (not just us) how good a day you felt it was, and thanking her. I bet she'd really appreciate it!

That is exactly what I did. Actually I sent her this post in an email to let her know. Yesterday I went over to her house to mow the yard, take my son for his driving lessons and cook supper over there. I took her a dozen roses as a thank you for her kindness. So I didn't forget how to be a gentleman.