Confused! Does anyone else feel this way?

[Aprilrain]

Recently the nature of my dressing has changed. Before it would probably be most accurately described as a fetish. I had a lot of guilt and shame and would purge regularly. (what a waste?, more guilt for being wasteful) because of a recent separation with my wife (my idea, yes she knows abut the CDing) I have had a lot of time to dress and now I just want be out en femme as much as possible. I am resisting the urge to just tell everyone and be en femme until I get tired of it. If I get tired of it! My biggest concern is the kids and my biggest fear is my dad. Also unlike some other intrepid trailblazers on this site I have no interest in being a man in women's clothes I want to be as passable as possible so now I am obsessed with feminizing myself. Many people on this site seem to be happy just CDing on occasion. Has anyone else felt this way

[Ashleythenewgirl]

I know what you're saying about the guilt. I came out to myself and my wife as Ashley two months ago. I figured ok, I cannot hide this or suppress it anymore. There was an initial rush of feeling relieved and unburdened. Then I bought my first pairs of shoes. Then I went and shopped for wigs. Then I went and got a make up consultation/make over and those were some real highs. And finally clothes shopping. Now to the guilt, it popped in to my head and really started getting to me. There were two elements to it,the first being guilt about putting this burden and stress on my wife. The second element could be described as guilt for loving to shop for women's clothing, make up and wigs. I remember thinking, "What the hell am I doing wearing this stuff?" It hit me hard about three weeks ago. I thought I was going absolutely bonkers despite some really positive experiences shopping and meeting people on this forum. I told my wife one night I needed to talk and get some feelings out, that I felt like I was losing my mind. The guilt had become really unbearable. She just looked at me and basically tuned me out.....since tthat time we have had several good talks and I know her level of acceptance has gone up more.
But something happened as I went and did a "photo shoot" with a friend last week then went out en femme for the first time ever Saturday night. I am not sure exactly what it was but something made the guilt go away. Maybe actually being somewhere as Ashley, maybe seeing photos to put something tangible to it I don't know. But I don't have the guilt I did. It is such a relief. So April I hope you too can experience it. I still worry about my wife and her feelings, but it's not a negative sensation like a few weeks ago.

[Persephone]

Has anyone else felt this way

Only on days that end in "Y".

[Charla McBee]

I'd love to go all out and spend a week somewhere entirely femme but I think it's probably a good thing for my long term sanity that this is not a possibility for the near future. I find it can easily turn into an obsession if you dive in too deep all at once.

[Marce]

its great you have your crossdressing to fill the void in your life at least for now. I have always wondered myself how far I would go if I could. Am I crossdresser or is there more. I think as you go forward the answers will come. Its so difficult to pass and seems a lot of commitment and time. Going out more often is exciting and now no worry about the wife but still have a few others in your life who don't know and crossing over is something one has to think long and hard about. Good luck and enjoy the moment for what it is right now. Be careful and try something new.

[Gerrijerry]

The level of crossdressing is different for each person and there own self acceptance is very hard to reach. It is not something that will go away. THe more femininized you become the less you will be noticed in female mode but the more you might be noticed in male mode. I believe that when one of us truly passes as a female when dressed feminine you will be seem as feminine all the time. For many that is the goal for some it is not. I didn't believe that until people started saying may I help you ladies when I was with my wife and dressed in what I thought was male mode. As far as telling everyone about it. You simply do not need to tell anyone anything. So yes many of us here have felt the same way but each of us had to find the point where we could accept ourselves and be happy. Just try to find that point and be happy.

[Karinsamatha]

Yes I feel that way. I have been doing things to make myself appear to appear as feminine as possible. Now there is a sense of lose and dread when I have to go to work. I would like to go further in the future when able.
My needs have been evolving as time goes by, but as Gerrijerry said we all have a different point where we are comfortable.
Good luck in finding your self, and your comfort zone.

[Jorja]

Yes, I felt that way long ago. One day I accepted myself and soon after came out to everyone. From that point on I went 24/7 and never looked back.

[Jeanna]

Hell yes.

[Tima]

Also unlike some other intrepid trailblazers on this site I have no interest in being a man in women's clothes I want to be as passable as possible so now I am obsessed with feminizing myself. Many people on this site seem to be happy just CDing on occasion. Has anyone else felt this way?

[SIZE="2"]I can barely stand the idea of wearing men’s clothing. It doesn’t fit well. Ever. No, I’m not happy CD’ing on occasion. I need to do it, in some capacity, all the time. When I must wear pants, I’m underdressing. My hair is pulled back, and I can’t wait to set it free. The buttons on my shirt/blouse are on the “wrong” side. Will anyone notice me? It’s a constant battle against the norm, trying to slip under the radar and survive.[/SIZE]

[Sarah Michelle]

Jeanna said it right.....

[charlie]

Hello Aprilrain!
All of us here are somewhat transgendered and thus somewhat confused. I think that most of us could not really answer the basic question of why we even have to dress......but we do. Acceptance of self is the big thing. Getting away from the shame, guilt and hiding is most important. Accepting that we are neither fully male or female is the other. We are on some sliding scale of being transgendered.

[minalost]

We all go through changes in our crossdressing. The “need/desire” waxes and wanes with no apparent rhyme or reason (although it is really seasonal for me…). The “why?” also tends to evolve as we get older. I would also have described my self as a “fetish” crossdresser ten years ago; now, not so much. It’s less about sex and more about gender identity. So, to add to the confusion, the reason we CD also changes.

So, yah, we all tend to get confused sometime. I take things day to day when it comes to CDing. Otherwise I’d go nut. Err… more nuts ?

[munshine nightwood]

Gilr I'll tell you something that makes me fill good about what we do. First let me say that i know what you aregoing through, I judt got a devorce after 9 years and I have started to dressmore and more. You just need to sit down and look at yourself, and say that this is the way thing are going to be.Not a day goes by that I dont think of the life that I had, but I look at the life that i'm going to have now!!!!!!!!!!! So with that said you go get dressed and go out to your fave bar, or place to eat and have a good time!!!!!!

[lanell]

I can appreciate you feelings or should I say desires best wishes to you and I hope it works out.
by the way if I were in the same situation I would do the same thing, follow your heart but be mindful about it

[Lynn Marie]

[SIZE="3"]Has anyone else felt this way?

No, you're the only one![/SIZE]

[Inna]

I just had a major breakdown couple days ago and felt things weren't moving forward fast enough. I am coming to think that any and every form of transgenderism is a "slow moving transition from ideal in our head to physical expression". As a child I wanted to be a girl but peer pressure stopped this idea dead in its tracks. Then I crossdressed in hiding, throughout my whole life the need to express femininity was slowly growing in strength and my guilt rose along such. Only recently I realized who I was and only then shame and confusion subsided. I came out to my closest family and started on HRT, and then when sexual tendencies diminished due to hormones, dressing became much less important but the need to express femininity within grew immensely. I think every one of us weather CD or TG or TS are a bit of a woman, some little some all the way. Every one eventually needs to meet the woman within the illusive one who has all the power to make us feel wholesome. I argue that everyone of us has dual personality that of a woman and that of a man, which one is dominant is up to our perception. Daily rituals and environment dictate what is the agenda. We look man so we act man, but look beyond skin and bone and you see a girl within hiding in the corner. Since ever, I associate my feminine endeavors with happy moments, probably the same for all of us, so the need to bring the girl out into the open is to bring the happiness out. Once we experience happiness the more we need, just like a child in the candy store, one candy is not an option:-) Pleasure associated with experience reinforces the need. What is this pleasure? Is it finally embracing who we are? Is it the freedom to venture to the other side? I don't know nor does science, yet. All I know it is a natural and genuine feeling of truth surfacing out in the open and I feel good embracing it.
I hope this can clear up some of the confusion April, but believe me, confusion is our middle name!

[kimberly ann487]

Confused, yes. Guilty, never ! I done a few things in my past that I felt guilty about but crossdressing is not one of them.

[carhill2mn]

Oh, I think that more than a few here have experienced what you are experiencing now! You probably will have to concentrate on slowing down and carefully consider whom you should tell about your CDing. I, too, try to always look my best. Since I now live alone I am able to be en femme more than I am drab. I love it!

[NathalieX66]

Also unlike some other intrepid trailblazers on this site I have no interest in being a man in women's clothes I want to be as passable as possible so now I am obsessed with feminizing myself. Many people on this site seem to be happy just CDing on occasion. Has anyone else felt this way

Every form of transgenderism confuses me .....there'a never ONE simple reason. One person is this, the other is that, so on & so forth. AllI can say is get to know other crossdressers and transsexuals in person, make friends, and hear their life's stories. Nathalie is just a part of me, not the whole or sum of me....and certainly not none of me either. I could never do hormones, but I can't stand stayin' home either.

[AKAMichelle]

Mine started somewhat similarily. Now I dress for me and I enjoy it.

[LitaKelley]

I'm always confused.

Sometimes I'm so confused that I don't even know who I am or how I got here.

[Traci Elizabeth]

The ONLY CD'ing I have done was wearing "Man-clothes" in my now past. How disgusting and degrading that was!

[MichelleOhioCD]

I feel the same way. I have moved from the "fetish" stage to just wanting to be as feminine as possible. This really hit home when I was going through all my things - to sort out - throw out and realized I only have about 5 outfits I can wear out. Everything else was clothing I collected over the years to wear when alone and deep in my closet. Now that my kids are grown and my wife working on her advanced degree I have time to shop and I can put some things together that a 50ish year old woman would wear. Yesterday I bought two wigs - tried them on in the store with the help of two older salesladies and I felt wonderful. Now I need to get some good pictures and get out and meet some new friends!

[Sandy Banks]

Hey, Michelle, kind of in the same boat, I'm usually in NE Ohio and would like to meet up too.