I appologize in advance for this being kind of a rambling vent. My apologies also that some of it may seem derogutory toward women and to those of us (myself included) who aspire/prefer to be feminine. It's just the way it is for me right now and this post is completely self serving to just help me sort things out.
To start with, my current girlfriend is 100% on board with my whole cd thing, or whatever it is. Supportive doesn't begin to describe it. She simply prefers for me to be a "woman". We only see each other on weekends, but it's to the point that I spend almost zero time with her that I'm not crossdressed. Sounds perfect, I know. It is not. When I was married, the only problem we had was my cding. With her, cding isn't even an issue (unless I'm not doing it). It's everything else. We make fantastic girlfriends. When we're in girlfriend mode it's perfect. There are absolutely no restrictions on what I wear or where I wear it. As long as we confine our lives to shopping and eating out and we don't stray from the subjects of hair and makeup and nails and clothes, we're great. The days we can spend trying on clothes and trying the new lipsticks at Sephora are fantastic. We can complain about how our heels hurt our feet and aganozize about bad haircolor jobs with the best of them.
The problems arrise when we have to deal with real life. We disagree on so much. Money, family, places to live. Just everything. We argue. That's where I have a problem. I have no idea how to argue, how to make a point, how to firmly express an opion... as a girl. That's where the emasculated part comes in.
Even as much time as I've spent out in the world appearing, to the best of my ability, to be a woman, the hardest and most real I ever had to be was to smile and look pretty (again, to the best of my ability). That's not real life, and was, in fact, part of the allure of it. Now it's very different. It seems like every weekend we have some issue that degenerates into an argument. I know this is going to sound horribly derogutory, but bear with me. This is just how I feel.
Whenever that moment comes that a discussion turns into a disagreement I become very aware of my feminine appearance, and I feel very weakened. I don't know how to deal with it. I've dealt with some of this just from being a small guy. At 5'9 140 pounds I've never been an imposing figure. But, I was a guy. I dealt with controversy as a guy. I know that women can debate and express themselves forcefully. She certainly can. It's not so much that I sit there feeling like a woman unable to forcefully make a point. I sit there as a self-emasculated male, too weakened and too confused about where I'm even supposed to be coming from to make a point.
The contrast is mind-blowing. I can go from cloud nine having spent the day completely as girlfriends, going through the whole dressing regimine together in a pink fog of skirts and heels and makeup and earrings and nailpolish and hairspray and loving life, to sitting on her couch in those same clothes literally nauseated at the thought of having a disagreement whithout a shred of masculinity to fall back on.
This weekend I decided I wasn't going to put myself in that predicament. We didn't have any girly stuff planned. We were going to clean and wax our cars on Saturday and take a hike to see the fall colors on Sunday. I had my nails done last week, but I took the polish off my fingernails specifically trying to "man up" a bit. My plan was somewhat thwarted on Saturday because I wasn't planning on it being so hot, and I didn't bring any shorts or short sleeves, so I had to borrow some from her. Not too bad, though, except I wore her flipflops and my polished toes were visible, and of course the shaved legs. The disagreemet from a previous week was beginning to rear it's head again, though, as I suspected it would. I felt a little better able to handle it. Sunday I once again set myself up to feel weakened. I didn't even pack my makeup and earrings for the trip to her house, hoping at the time to eliminate the likelyhood of putting myself in that emasculated position, but I once again fell victim to my own weakness.
We were going on a hike, for God's sake. Not to the mall. There was simply no reason for me to "fem up" for this, but, as she was getting ready I followed her lead. I had to borrow shorts and a top again, but that was no big deal. Then as she's getting ready she clips her hair up with a hair claw, so I flat iron mine and clip it up as well. Then she puts on her makeup and asks me if I'm not going to wear any makeup. I told her I didn't bring any because we were just going on a hike. She says, "But you like wearing makeup. You can just use mine." I just can't resist that, and I gave in. When we were leaving she says, "Are you not going to wear earrings?" I said I didn't pack them. She gives me some of hers. I've done it again, and I know it, and I know that before the day is over the old problems will be revisited, and once again I'll be in that familiar yet unfamiliar position. The hike went well and we stopped for dinner, which also was without incident. Once we were home, though, we were back to our old form, and I'm once again not happy with myself.
I could go on and on about how this same type of thing has effected me at work, etc.. The long colored and highlighted hair and the shaped eyebrows that I so stubbornly hold on to and cherish as constant reminders of my fem side make me feel emasculated in certain work situations. The point of all this is that these situations just show so clearly how ill equiped I am to handle anything that resembles real life as a woman. It's never been necessary for me to before, and I LOVED that part of it. In many ways I want the sheltered and secluded part of my feminine life back. I like the fact that it's not real life. I'm not at all equipped to handle it 24/7, and I don't want to learn. I want the escape, and to let all of the problems of real life to be relegated to the facsimily of a male life that I have left.
Feels a little better to get that off my chest.
Rhonda
Originally Posted by Ruth
