Do you have to tell everything in a relationship

[TV2010]

Ok, so here it goes: I have been with my girlfriend for 6,5 years, and just in the last couple of years started to accept myself as a transvestite.

The thing I wonder about, is if you can have secrets about your crossdressing in a relationship, or do I have to tell her about it all.

You see, she knows about it. I have told her a few times when I have dressed up, feeling guilty for doing something I shouldn't have done. When we first met 6 years ago, I told her that I used to dress up as a girl in my childhood, and early teens, but that I didn't that anymore. And it was a fact at the time, because i had surpressed my needs for so many years.

The problem is that when I met her, I have had big mental problems, and she helped me through a rather tough time in my life, escpecially helping me get rid of people with bad influence in my life, and helped me build up my self confidence. Because of her, I have gone from a guy that lived on welfare, and at my mothers house, to a university degree and soon to be father. I feel that I own her everything. You can say, that if I didn't had met her, I would never had accepted myself as a transvestite.

But, and here is the big issue: Since she don't like my crossdressing, she thinks it is a part of my earlier compulsive behavior. That I have to dress up because of that. Because she have showed so little acceptancy of this side of me, I don't want to involve her in my dressing up, even though she knows that I do it from time to time. I have promised many times to quit trannying, but I can't.

I really have no need to dress up in front of her either, so it is a topic we don't speak about other than when she discover things like make up on the pillow and things like that.

The big problem now, is that I have met other transvestites for friendship and dress up together. I told her once, about a year ago that i planned to meet another TV, and she got mad and told me she would have dumped me if I did something like that, because she considered that cheating, although I never would have cheated on her.

But in the last months I have met other TVs in my area, went out shopping and partying. I had the best time when we were out. People were so nice to us, treated us like girls, and I just can't wait for the next time it will happen. Because my girlfriend often work at the weekends, I have much time to be a girl. I don't have many friends as a guy either, so I feel really good about that people wanting to know the girly me. I haven't been so happy since I first fell in love with my girlfriend.

But since she have been so negative about me meeting other transvestites, I didn't dare to tell her about it, and had to come up with excuses if she asked what i did last weekend when she worked. Told her about a party at work, but I hate lying to her. But since things are like they are now, i see no other solution.

If I told her the truth, I'm afraid one of these two things would happen:

1. She tell me not to meet those other transvestites again, and I lose a friendship with people who understands me. The only people who I can talk to about this side of me, and accepting it.

2. Or worse, she leaves me because I have gone behind her back and met other TVs when she told me she would hate it.

So, do I have to tell her about this? I'm risking either way to lose people in my life who really means much to me. I think that telling her about it all will make things worse.

Need some seriously advices

[Sandra]

GGs response here

If you don't come clean and tell all and she finds out, can you imagine what would happen then?

[Kelly DeWinter]

Read though some of the other threads here, see how others have told their spouses, and the reactins the recieved. Part of the healing of SOME mental issues are a resul of accepting who you are and learning to live within some reasonable boundries within your family life. It takes time to adjust and it sound like you and your SO have overcome some major hurdles in life. Be open and honest, keep communicating. Ask her to read some of the wives and spouses posts here. or join the FAB section. Living is about relationships and how you can overcome what life throws at you. You will do well.

Kelly

[pernille d]

20+years in the closset. And just busted this year, 20 years of problems ,hiding, lieing and uptightness, I am not saying it's easy as it's not but save yourself the years and live those years so tell her now ,

I don't know your partner but if she has done to you what she says she sounds like someone that really cares about you so I think she will stick by you

[Holly]

Sandra is right., Besides, can you imagine the resentment that will build up inside you if you feel your GF is keeping you from seeing friends and others with whom you relate. Your best shot is to be honest with her. Acknowlefge the help she has been to you and that her continied help is appreciated. Hopefully that same insight she had when she was helping you through other issues in your life will be present as the twio of you, togethet, work out this latest turn in your lives. Best wishes.

[NicoleScott]

Forum history tells me that you're going to get a lot of posts telling you that you cannot have secrets from her. I'm all for honesty, when it serves the good of the relationship, and when the recipient of the disclosures handles it appropriately. You suggested 2 outcomes if you tell her. Neither sound very good, for you anyway. Do you think she has drawn a line in the sand, for you to not cross? Maybe there are more than 2 outcomes. Maybe there can be a negotiated middle ground. Here are some thoughts:
1) if you can't quit crossdressing, quit promising.
2) try to get her to understand that crossdressing is not related to past compulsive behavior.
3) dispel her fears about meeting other cd's. Most guys get together with other guys for common interests. Cars, sports, poker. You and your friends interest is crossdressing, and it's important to you to have a group of friends with mutual understanding that you cannot get from others. Re-assure her that these meetings are social events, and it's not cheating. Invite her to come along. Even if she delines, it shows her that you have nothing to hide.
So what if none of this helps? How important is meeting with other cd's? Can you come to some mutually accepted rules, like dressing alone? Can you live with that? Can she?
I am a believer that there are times when Don't Ask Don't Tell may be the best solution, when the SO is not being reasonable, unwilling to negotiate terms, and when it is a better solution than breaking up.
Finally, there are women who cannot tolerate her man's crossdressing. It's a pure deal-breaker. If she is one, you are doomed. If she isn't, there is hope for a solution. Find out by asking.

[Tracy X Cruz]

Let me try to give slightly different advice from what has already been stated.

Keeping secrets intentionally from your SO leads to bad situations... Letting her know what is going on and agreeing to not talk about it unless she asks is completely different.

I say this because you may in fact have the opportunity for middle ground when you do talk to her. When/if you let her know that the crossdressing isn't part of your problems from before and you also want to have time with your friends you may have the oppertunity to split that part of your life apart. You should make sure she feels welcome to talk to you about it or to go out with your friends if she wants but you would like to keep being able to see them even if she does not and that it would be ok to keep that part of your life separate from your life with her if she wants.

I am lucky I have a SO who is really understanding about me being trans... but I am also a freelance artist... and I am commissioned to do very "Adult" things very often, she wants to have NOTHING to do with that and that part of my life is an agreed upon secret. She knows I am doing something, but she doesn't ask and I don't tell. Relationships are about understanding and openness but don't necessarily mean you have to share every single thing you do. The main thing about a relationship "I think" is TRUST my GF trusts me, and I trust her.

[Vickie_CDTV]

One big question no one has asked... is this woman the mother of your unborn child? THAT would be a deal changer.

[MiamiMarie]

Another GG here....

I am glad this woman has been so helpful in your development, but both you and she need to come with the terms that you are still developing. You are trying to become the best version of yourself, and you happen to be a CDer. This will not go away as a compulsive habit and she needs to be educated on that fact. Now if you are suggesting that for the rest of your long life you hide your activities and friendships from her because she helped you out for 6.5 years, then I think the price is too high - not to mention impossible as I can't imagine she won't find out somehow sooner or later.

Don't make promises you can't keep, don't try to stop your CDing, cherish your great CDing friendships (they are hard to come by), and gently try to let your girl know the truth about CDing. If she cannot handle your life, your plutonic friendships, or who you really are, then you may have to consider if you two are really right for each other.

Do you know the comedian George Lopez? That guy's wife gave him her kidney and literally saved his life, and they announced their divorce last month. While George expressed his eternal gratitude, and she is still happy she did it, they both recognize they are not right for each other and would be happier apart as friends. What I am trying to say is, don't suppress who you are because you feel obligated over past support. I know the possiblity of a break up is devastating, but so too is trying to lead a double life and lying every day to the one you love the most.

Trying to do that nearly destroyed my husband before he finally came clean. I knew there was something causing him great stress in his life, I just never new the cause. Now that he's open and can share his life with me, everything is MUCH better. Honesty can be damaging, but so is hiding, even if your secret is miraculously kept forever.

[Briana90802]

I'm sure that in the course of your studies you've come across something called Maslow's theory. It would seem to apply here in your situation. Simply stated you needed to take care of those other problems in your life before taking care of self realization of the soul. Your basic needs must be met before personal needs can be met.

Look the theory up and I'm sure you'll understand what I'm taking about. In addition I believe that if you explain this to her she be(somewhat) rational about it.

[tricia_uktv]

I think you need to tell her all - but not all at once. Tell her slowly, the easiest bits first and give that time to be considered. It will take a while but taking your time will help you both,

I'm sure

[KlaireLarnia]

I belive you CAN have secrets in a relationship - it just depends on what and how well you handle it. I have things about my life my wife has NO IDEA about and to be blunt, she never will. They are things I need to take to my grave and only then will I hope to have peace from them. They are nothing serious or crime related, just things in my past (and I am going back 20 years here) I am not proud of or happy with but I know will serve no use to my wife other than to make her angry and upset at me.

She also does not know I have ventured out in female clothes, though she does know I take some away on business trips she thinks it is purely for wearing in my hotel room. Does she need to know this? No. Am I going to tell her? No. Why? Because it will serve to do nothing but agrovate her and lower her opinions of me which are not great at times already for other unrealated reasons.

My thought to you would be this:

If there is a CHANCE you could be caught out, do not hide or lie. IF you are staying relatively local, do not mislead her. All you need is someone she knows to reconise you or think they saw you and you are in deep do do.

If there is like a million to one chance of being seen by someone she knows - i.e you are doing this a far way from home. I would keep it quite for now, but if it becomes regular then reconsider. The occasional trip you can bluff. Each weekend you cannot.

Remember the risks for choosing the wrong option are to loose her. If you think the risks are worth gambling on, do so. If not, play safe and tell her what you WANT to do (and not that you have done it already) and ask if she would have a problem. If she says yes then do not do it or see if a compromise can be reached. This may lead to an amicable solution.

[minalost]

Fact: when (not if) you get caught you will be in more trouble for lying than the actual crossdressing.

Fact: SOME (for emphasis: but not all) SOs simply can not deal with CDing and if this is the case she WILL leave you. Is your SO one of these people? Find out before she finds out…

In a perfect world total honesty would be the best policy. BUT, this isn’t a perfect world and I believe that we all need to make decisions regarding the disclosure of CD activity based on our own individual situations. You just have to be ready to deal with the fallout if you decide wrong.

[KarenCDFL]

I would say yes, you need to tell her and be honest.

As we all know, the end result of doing this can be anything from "Great honey! Lets share all of our stuff" to "get the hell out of my life".

The big issue here is:

1) Can you live with a secret like this till the day you die and not go insane?
2) Can you deal if you lose what may be your wife and possibly kids.

There just does not seem to be any middle ground. If you try to compromise with your SO, you still feel that you are giving part of yourself up just to stay in the relationship and the end result is even more resentment.

There does not seem to be any answer to this other than the need to tell your SO all about it before you get married and have kids. After the fact usually ends up in loss.

I told my wife before we married and it all worked out over time. I personally knew that I could not hide the fact that when I would tell her that I loved her dress, I really loved her dress!

Boy that was a babble.

[vikki smith]

As a gg i have to say u have to be honest with her. Being open and honest with her is the main thing. She sounds like she loves you. If u keep lying to her then u risk losing her. To me if my SO hadnt been open with me then i would always wonder if she was being honest with and telling me everything. Me knowing has brought us closer together than I could ever imagine.

[Tara1967]

well I guess your GF is really just an aquantance that you like somewhat. We all know what people like and what they don't like and I was with you for a moment, but then you imply that you are confused..................becasue of her objection to you dating other people somewhat like you, similar to you, etc. And now you imply that you are somewhat confused to her behavior. My next thought is I really do wish that there was just 2 or 3 lines under all members avatars,, #1 age, #2 either GG, Tg, TS, CD, Gm, etc. So I'd have an idea of who and what I'm dealing with. I mean if I were to write a parable here, I would ask all my sisters here to tell me what's wrong with my wife? She's only caught me with another person in a motel having sex just 24 times, what's wrong with her, I could ask.?? But this op implies that we should think something is wrong with her GF of 5 or 6 years, all for the very minute simple reason that the op has only had sex with just so many other TV's like him and his GF just doesn't understand. Now I will probaly get attacked for my response here, but I can't side with the op on this one, I mean Damn , and oh yeah, I'm wrong again, .....................Tara

[docrobbysherry]

Here's something for u to think about, TV:

If CDing is IMPORTANT to u and u give it up for her, u may begin to dislike yourself and resent her! And, if YOU'RE unhappy she will be, TOO!

If u find that CDing is PART of who u r, u will want to do it with or without her permission or knowledge!

Here's my question for u:

If CDing IS part of who u r, does this woman LOVE the real, complete u? If so, u two may be able to come up with a workable compromise! If not, your relationship will probably not last anyway!

[GirlyGirl66]

The best thing you can do is be honest. Need honesty to have a strong relationship. I held my dressing from my wife for over 5 years. When I finally came out to her she was very upset I did not tell her upfront. She took time to start accepting but always wondered what else I had held back from her. So best to let her know

[eluuzion]

..."Ground Control to TV2010...can ya' hear me Major Tom...?"


“I told her once, about a year ago that i planned to meet another TV, and she got mad and told me she would have dumped me if I did something like that, because she considered that cheating, although I never would have cheated on her.” (additional text was posted)

“But in the last months I have met other TVs in my area, went out shopping and partying.” (additional text was posted)

“But since she have been so negative about me meeting other transvestites, I didn't dare to tell her about it, and had to come up with excuses if she asked what i did last weekend when she worked. Told her about a party at work, but I hate lying to her. But since things are like they are now, i see no other solution.” (additional text was posted).

I have re-posted selective lines of your statements. Here is my brief personal interpretation of the sequence of recent events…

1) She specifically advised you that planning to meet with another TV is something she considers to cheating in your relationship, and the action is serious enough for her to end the relationship.

2) You made the decision to deceive your wife, proceeded with meeting other Tvs and then concealed it.

3) Then you lied to your wife about your activities outside of the relationship. You implied that this is the “solution” (lying to your wife) that you plan to use to resolve this “problem”.

4) It appears that you are planning to repeat the behavior, at the first opportunity that surfaces.

Just comments, no advice. One option might be to look in the mirror and realize that you have defined the character of the person looking back at you. You have the option of continuing to confirm it or change it, based on what you do next. The immediate decision is very simple. Do nothing or do something.

I can only judge myself, not others. I’ll still sleep in late tomorrow, put on my little black dress and 5” pumps, and have blueberry waffles before I hit the sundeck, as usual.

Good luck,

[Patty B.]

MiamiMarie has a good post for this issue and you also need to be honest in your relationship with yourself and your gf. I thought I could take this to my grave and never tell, but didnt turn out that way. Good luck and best wishes whichever road you choose. Set her free, if she returns it was meant to be and if not, it wasnt meant to be.

[RobynP]

...but I hate lying to her. But since things are like they are now, i see no other solution.

Can't see any other solution or don't want to see any other soulution??? You hate lying to her but it sounds like you hate being honest even worse...

If I told her the truth, I'm afraid one of these two things would happen:

1. She tell me not to meet those other transvestites again, and I lose a friendship with people who understands me. The only people who I can talk to about this side of me, and accepting it.

2. Or worse, she leaves me because I have gone behind her back and met other TVs when she told me she would hate it.

So, do I have to tell her about this? I'm risking either way to lose people in my life who really means much to me. I think that telling her about it all will make things worse.

Need some seriously advices

Okay, so what exactly is the TRUTH? Honestly, is she your #1 prioirity in your life? Or is she your #4 priority in your life? (up from #9 last week...) Or is meeting others who "accept you for who you are" your #1 priority? You may be lying to your GF but whatever you do, do NOT lie to yourself. If you cannot be honest with yourself, you will never be honest with anyone else.

So you think telling her will make things worse? Worse for who? You? Her? Your "relationship? Your TV friends? If she and your relationship with her are your #1 priority, this means that you may have to sacrifice #2 to #99 priorities. This means that you WANT to sacrifice #2 to #99 priorities for your #1. If you both are #1 in each other's life, then you two will find a mutually acceptable way to deal with this. It may take some time to get there and it may be quite difficult at times... but both of you have to be VERY clear where you are and where you want to be in each other's life now and in the future.

(I found out that as I continued to lie to my wife, I found lying to her becoming easier and easier over time. I slowly realized that my lying somehow started to spread to other areas of my life as I was deceiving other people in my life over both big and little things... Often, I wasn't lying because I had to but because it became a part of my nature... Truth and honesty in relationships became meaningless to me. Has it been worth it???)

Robyn

[Michelle1056]

I'm a very firm believer in coming clean. That said, though, I'm not in a serious relationship (or any relationship at the moment) and when I do get in one, I usually will bring it up when we play 20 questions. 20 questions alawys starts off being nice and calm. "What kinds of movies do you like?" "What kind of music do you listen to?" "Do you put the ketchup in your bun before the hotdog or after?" "Have you ever gotten to the top of the escalator and then fallen down the stairs for like...a half hour straight?" (HATE when that happens!) Then as time goes on (often in the same conversation) things start heating up and I find a way to weave the crossdressing in there. I feel that it's better that they know what they're getting into before they get too deep. Often then same old questions arise (Are you gay?, Do you want to become a woman? Do you prefer McDoubles or McChickens?), but if she isn't going to accept me as a crossdresser, then there's little chance we'll havea relationship that really works. After all, I'm a crossdresser. I enjoy it. It's not a light switch I can just turn on or off at will or permanently. I go months sometimes between crossdressing, but I still come back to it. It's just what I do. I'm also an artist and I enjoy the artfom known as crossdressing where I'm a canvas and the makeup, lipstick, nail polish, shaving, wig, clothes, etc. is my medium. So, if they're going to ever be able to fully accept me, they need to also be able to accept my crossdressing. If I hide that, I possibly deny them the privledge of really getting to truly know the real me. So, I try really hard to be very real when I get into a new relationship. it's awkward, but you never know...she might like it! One of my exes was turned on by it and we used to go clothes shopping toether! This is a joy I would have never experienced if Id just waited until she wasn't around or until we'd broken up to dress again. I hope this helps!

Michelle

[BRANDYJ]

I could not and would not live in a relationship with a woman I could not be 100% open and honest with. I just don't like secrets between myself and the lady I love. I honestly don't know how some of us can do it...and for years of hiding and deception. I understand many of the reasons and am not judging anyone. I just know I could not do it.

[AKAMichelle]

No if you like having a cloud over your relationship. But if you want a great relationship then secrets are a no-no.

[TV2010]

Ok, I guess I have to be open with her, but right now she is pregnant, and I don't want to upset her to much. I am afraid she is going to lose the child in a spontanious abortion or somthing if I tell her now. I'm going to tell her, but maybe after the birth of the child...

As I said, she knows about the crossdressing. But can't I tell her that I'm going out partying with some buddies? Do I have to tell that we are doing it as girls?

And someone asked if she was my biggest priority. Yes she is, but my crossdressing friends is also important to me. And I don't want to lose either. As I am afraid that i will do if I tell her about them...

I have tried to talk about my crossdressing earlier, but I can't explain why I have this need. And because of that, the topic is being dropped...