Huh?! If your cd friends can't understand that you have a pregnant SO and you need to spend as much time as possible with her. THEN YOU NEED NEW FRIEMDS!
She and that child are priority number 1. No question.
Huh?! If your cd friends can't understand that you have a pregnant SO and you need to spend as much time as possible with her. THEN YOU NEED NEW FRIEMDS!
She and that child are priority number 1. No question.
You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because your all the same
Of course they understand. That is not the issue here. I am meeting my CD friends only when my girlfriend are at work or something like that. But as I said. I'm afraid that my girlfriend will forbid me from seeing my TV friends if I tell her about them
You can't help who you are, and by not telling her you are only delaying the inevitable. She will find out eventually and the longer you wait, the harder it will be for everyone. But until this is resolved, until your gf knows the truth about your desires, you need to stop going out and partying behind her back.
Reine
I agree. Whats so important about having to delude the lady just because of a party...?
I gotta ask , in view of this is there MORE than just a party atmosphere going on here ??
I mean - sorry to be blunt , but to risk it all over just going out doesn't weigh up to me .
If it is innocent , then perhaps she toowould have the same questions in mind - " just what is he getting up to with his friends ?"
Lifes gonna change for you right now , you are now in a position of responsibility and that surely must come first . However if you wish to continue , then the only advice I think is correct is to sit down and calmly inform her of the crossdressing . Remember , in time to come she'll need you to be her tower of strength and I think only in a relasionship ( even if there has been a conflict of interests and arguments ) where an infant is concerned then that surely must be paramount . Partnership . It did after all take two to tango didn't it ??
Last edited by Shelly67; 10-20-2010 at 01:35 PM.
OK, I understand what you are saying, but it has nothing to do with the partying. It is about the possibillity to express this side of me along with others who is like me
OK , then surely you have answeared yourself ?Originally Posted by TV2010
The gravity of the issue is that once the infant is born I'll bet the last thing you'll wanna do is party or expressing in any manner . The change in reality becoming a parent is like a tidal wave - it sweeps all aside .
BUT - it seems after some thought perhaps youre partner is fearful of the situation that could develope , scared of losing you ?? Its totally understandable . Maybe greater more gentle constructive heart to heart is needed to strengthen commitment ??
There is no easy answear .......
Good luck
Last edited by Shelly67; 10-20-2010 at 03:26 PM.
I understand how difficult this is for you and I do empathize. But if not expressing yourself is hard now, how will it be after the baby is born? What about in 5 or 10 years from now? I really do think it's best to be honest now and deal with the outcome, before your lives together become even more enmeshed with parenting and finantial matters. It can only get worse if you do delay it.
Besides .. you said your gf thinks this part of you is a throwback to your older, wilder days. What if she educated herself about gender issues, and realized that it is as much a part of you as the color of your eyes? Might she not be able to realize that you can't deny yourself the expression of who you are?
If it's just the parties or nightlife she objects to, you can join TG support groups where wives & gfs are welcome. I mean, you can CD by doing regular everyday things and meeting people this way, rather than limit it to nightclubs and such.
Reine
Considering that your SO is about to have a child it does raise the question as to how you expect to carry on your furtive activity of attending parties and nightclubs when she will soon be stuck at home giving 24 hour care and support to the child because for the first few months the baby will be very demanding and your SO will need all the support that you can give her and even though you may find it a tough call your family should come first.
I also am pondering the question as to what sort of advice it is that you are seeking from asking this question? and after reading the various replies will any of them have an influence upon what you choose to do or have you already made that choice?
Undoubtedly you feel that you have a difficult and trying time ahead of you, and you most probably do, but life is seldom easy. Given time and effort on your part by talking to your SO you might be able to quell the fears that she has regarding your crossdressing but don't expect it to happen over night, just find out what her comfort level is and build from there
i would simply tell her that you dont want to hang out wwith other people and that you would rather spend all your time with her. tell her that you still dress and take baby steps. she will probably be pissed at first and this is normal. if she really loves you there might be a time when you can go out dressed with her. it is so much better when your SO is ok with it. just remember baby steps. halloween is right around the corner good icebreaker.
I have to say that Reine is right on this one. She makes a good argument about the open and honest portion of crossdressing and at the same time, if her only real objection is to the parties and night clubs...I'm going to be blunt, but she's pregnant and you have a kid on the way. It's not really going to be a reality to go to these functions in the future without leaving her alone with the baby so you can go party dressed as a chick. This will only make her angry and resentful towards any of your crossdressing. Just like if you drank 3 beers a night while playing video games, she would probably relate the beer and the video games to the moment in which she lost her husband for all intents and purposes even though three beers wouldn't faze you and there was probably a big enough a problem in the first place between you and her. It's avoidance behavior except that this is avoiding someone while in the same room. The beer and video games (in that case) is just what's going to get the blame...same here. If you're leaving her all the time alone with the baby or you're too tired to watch the baby when you are home because you've been out all day partying, she's going to relate it to the cross dressing and you're going to drive a major wedge between you two. Definitely come clean and make sure she's cool with you going to party with your friends. BUT...once in a while, tell them no and take her out to dinner or do something with her so she doesn't grow tired of always being left alone. I hope this doesn't sound rude or obnoxious, but think of how it would feel from her stand point. Hope this helps!
Michelle
This post sums it up well. So well, I don't have anything to add, other than..."Ground Control to TV2010...can ya' hear me Major Tom...?"
“I told her once, about a year ago that i planned to meet another TV, and she got mad and told me she would have dumped me if I did something like that, because she considered that cheating, although I never would have cheated on her.” (additional text was posted)
“But in the last months I have met other TVs in my area, went out shopping and partying.” (additional text was posted)
“But since she have been so negative about me meeting other transvestites, I didn't dare to tell her about it, and had to come up with excuses if she asked what i did last weekend when she worked. Told her about a party at work, but I hate lying to her. But since things are like they are now, i see no other solution.” (additional text was posted).
I have re-posted selective lines of your statements. Here is my brief personal interpretation of the sequence of recent events…
1) She specifically advised you that planning to meet with another TV is something she considers to cheating in your relationship, and the action is serious enough for her to end the relationship.
2) You made the decision to deceive your wife, proceeded with meeting other Tvs and then concealed it.
3) Then you lied to your wife about your activities outside of the relationship. You implied that this is the “solution” (lying to your wife) that you plan to use to resolve this “problem”.
4) It appears that you are planning to repeat the behavior, at the first opportunity that surfaces.
Just comments, no advice. One option might be to look in the mirror and realize that you have defined the character of the person looking back at you. You have the option of continuing to confirm it or change it, based on what you do next. The immediate decision is very simple. Do nothing or do something.
I can only judge myself, not others. I’ll still sleep in late tomorrow, put on my little black dress and 5” pumps, and have blueberry waffles before I hit the sundeck, as usual.
Good luck,
+1.
Ignore it at your peril. You're heading for disaster if you continue your present course of activity, which of course includes looking for other people to suggest what you're doing is the right thing, when it is clearly not.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Ok, I have to go to work, but here's a quick reply.
It seems that people don't understand that me meeting other TVs just as friends, has nothing to do with the partying and stuff like thet. We have done other things too, like watching a movie or going out shopping. It's NOT about the clubbing. I just want friends who share my intertest for crossdressing. Is it so hard to understand?
And of course, I totally understand that when the child is born, I get less time going out with CD friends. But me being a CD, doesen't delude me from being a good father and spouse. As I told before. I ONLY dress up when she my girlfriend is at work. When she's having the baby, the child and her will have all my attention, and I am kind of hurt that people here think otherwise
TV, it sounds like you have made up your mind already, and are looking for people to agree with you. It doesn't work that way, most of us have been there in one way or another, and the stories about what happens when she learns of the deception goes to divorce, and battles over visitation of the kids, to wifes that are Angy for years, and the marriage becomes a real ordeal for all involved. Some get away with it for years and don't get caught. But the risk is always there. It sounds like you don't feel you have a good way out of all of this, so it really boils down to just what you can live with. Guilt about lying, fear of being caught in a lie, or suppress who you are for as long as you can, none of those sound all that good to me, but in the end it is your choice, not ours. Me I knew I could not live with out dressing, and I chose to tell all, and except the risk of what it would cause, I got luck and found I had a very understanding spouse, but I know not everyone is so lucky, but it is so much easier when you don't have to lie, and sneak, and hid who you are from someone you live with.
Tina B.
I know how difficult it is to share everything. But you have been with your GF for this long and I think you owe here the truth. It's better for you to bring it up and discuss it rather than her discovering something you have been hiding.
If this was just a casual friendship you know the sort of thing where you maybe go to a movie now and then or grab a bite to eat than I wouldn't see a need to share unless you wanted to. However, this sounds like it's a more serious relationship where honesty is needed and expected from both you and her.
Good luck - maggie
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Maggie
Let Yourself Be Free[SIZE="2"][/SIZE]
I am not the one to ask about tell or not to tell...I lost a 37 year partner by being honest with caught. But I can say I am very happy I told my current squeeze on the first date. No lies, no worry! And no guilt.
Em
Living with a heel in each world.
Honestly, I'm on the fence as to what you are obligated to tell a girlfriend, even a long term one. There is no question in my mind though that a woman deserves to be told before she agrees to marry you though.
Well, my $.02 is that at the very least, you do need to share your cross-dressing desires with her. She may not be accepting enough to want to spend time with you while you are en femme, but at the very least, you can reach an understanding of her boundaries.
My wife knows about Helen since before we married....almost 30 years now. She saw me dressed once (well, twice if you include a Halloween party) and made it clear she does not want to see me en femme again. But, she's okay with me dressing while she is away in a 'dont ask, dont tell' arrangement. She knows I dress and go out, but I never mention it and she never asks. It's an arrangement that has worked for us for long, long time and while maybe not the perfect one for either of us, it's a mutually acceptable one.
TV,
Whew! That's a bit of a situation. I happen to think that she needs to know that you are dressing, and that she needs to know it's healthy. You don't have to tell every little detail, but at the very least you should not be lying to her.
I think it's important to look at it from what may be your girlfriend's point of view. She helped you through some tough times, and she loves you. You're the father of her baby and it sounds like you're living together - so she depends on you emotionally, physically and probably to some extent financially as well (and will even more so once the baby is born). If I were in that situation I would be pretty worried about signs that my partner were slipping back into that old lifestyle and becoming undependable. You told her in the past that you have felt guilty about it, and you promise to stop. She finds out by looking at your pillow and seeing makeup on it that you've broken that promise.
First off, get a better makeup remover as there's no need to wreck pillows.
Second off, she will find out about all of it eventually. She doesn't sound stupid or blind and eventually she'll figure it out. Would you rather it was now, or twenty years from now with that much more of your life spent sneaking around, lying, and feeling resentful about having to hide who and what you are?
Third, if this isn't sliding back to the behaviour you had before and which she is so afraid of, you need to show that to her. You know her better than any of us do, so you should know what sort of thing she might listen to and understand. Probably the most important thing is your own behaviour, and how you act about this. If you continue to lie to her and sneak out behind her back to do things she's asked you not to do, it's THAT which will cause trouble in your relationship - not your clothing choices. On the other hand, if you prepare yourself I think you should be able to convince her that this isn't that same sort of behaviour which she is afraid of.
To do that, she needs to know that it's normal for you, and that you can cross dress without slipping into nasty habits like lying. I know it's important to have people to support you, but it's also important to not deceive someone who loves you so much. Is there any way that you and your TV friends can be there for each other without you dressing up to meet them? If the answer is yes, then I think you can build support for yourself that will really help with talking to your girlfriend and working out with her something that you both can live with in regards to the dressing. If the answer is no, are they truly your friends or simply people who happen to share a same favourite pastime? Is it worth wrecking the most important relationship in your life for that?
Nobody on this forum can give you an honest 100% answer. The person you need to ask is your girlfriend IMO. (I'm aware that may be counterintuitive because it involves telling her) But if you hope to have a successful future with her, you should be up front and honest with her. Talk, and communicate! At the very least the two of you can come up with a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.
First of all. The people who are juding me because I am afraid of the consecuenses of telling my GF about it all, don't have to write anything. I came here for advice, not to be told what a bad person I am.
As I wrote in the first post. I HAVE told her, and she don't seems willing to accept the fact that I'm dressing. We can talk about it for a couple of hours, she gets mad at me, and I am telling her I am sorry for doing this, but that I can't control it. She knows about it, but don't want to discuss it. So, there is a mutual understanding between us. She probably knows I am dressing, but we don't talk about it. The only thing she don't know about is me meeting other CDs for friends. I am going to tell her this, but I don't know when, how or what I should tell her...
It is my belief that if you are in a relationship then nothing is kept secret. How can you truley say you know and love someone if you really don't?
But sadly it seems like people my age(and ESPECIALLY people younger than me) don't think the same way. Apparently it's normal to not tell the other about important things like sleeping with other people, etc. But I guess I'm just old fashioned.
Kelly, the OP made it clear he's not sleeping around. He finds himself in the difficult position of wanting to CD with a non-accepting gf.
TV2010, the people in this forum are only trying to point out to you that not telling your gf the truth will result in having issues down the road. You just can't keep something like this under wraps. Even if you are great at leaving no evidence, she will feel the disconnect just in reading your body language. And the more you hide, the more she will become convinced that there IS something to hide. This will be much worse than if you are strong from the onset, and simply tell her that you are a crossdresser and it is not going away.
At first I thought her issue might have been more with the partying or meeting other CDs, since this is what you indicated in your first posts. But, if you've already tried to talk to her and she's still not willing to listen, you might consider joint counseling. Many CDs in the forum have gone to therapists with their SOs, and even if the SOs don't walk away fully embracing the concept, at least they can be brought to understand that it is a real need and not a perversion, or whatever they might think it might be.
Read the OP's journey in this thread:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ing-Counseling
Also, you might like to read these resources. The first is about how to talk to partners, and the second describes why a partner might be hot & cold about the CDing.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...l-your-partner
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...It-Now-I-Don-t
The impression I get from your posts is that you gf feels threatened by your interactions with other CDs/TSs. Is this correct? Would she be more OK with the CDing if she new that you CD at home only?
If she doesn't like the idea of you meeting others, maybe she feels insecure about certain aspects of your intimacy together. Sorry to be so blunt, but is everything OK in the bedroom between you two? Or does your gf have past cause to be jealous about anything? I'm not judging you here, just trying to figure out why she feels insecure. Or is she naturally a jealous person?
I want to say that it's not uncommon for GGs at first to feel there is a sexual component with the CDing ... google it, and you'll see many hook-up CD sites. Also, look at the pics that are posted. A GG will look at pics of CDs posing in lingerie or sexy clothing, for example, and think they do this to attract other men.
Back to the topic of meeting others: I think your first step would be to try to get your gf to believe that you simply need to express yourself, alone or with her. Then if she at least begins to acknowledge your needs, you can join a TG support group where wives & gfs are also welcomed and ask your gf to join you. She'll be able to see that it's not all about hooking up with other CDs.
But all of this will take time. I hope you have the patience for it. All the other CDs here will tell you that rushing things doesn't produce good results.
Reine
Follow Reine's advice, its the best as always.
I know, I did not mean to make it seem like he was. My point is so many people nowadays don't feel like it's important to tell really anything in a "relationship"(which some people my age and younger have NO CLUE what that word means). After talking with many of my "friends", things like making out with someone else, giving oral sex and to most sleeping with someone else is "no big deal" and they dont have to tell their SO about it. And these were all GG's that were telling me this....
My so to be Ex-wife explained it(when she told me about some of the guys she slept with during our marriage) as "it didn't involve you, so I didn't have to tell you"......words can not express how pissed off I am at everyone I see around me nowadays. To put it simply, I HATE everyone and EVERYTHING now.
My advice would be that you find a good support TV group in your area where wives/SO can come and mingle. This would help your GF understanding the CD issue a little bit better. It's difficult but not impossible to find these groups, especially in California and New York/Boston areas.
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