Out at a Gay Bar? Not me!

[Rhonda Jean]

I didn't want to hijack Fastchanger's thread, but this is along the same lines.

Going out to gay bars is a recurrent theme on here. It seems that many girls who won't go anywhere else are ok with going to a gay bar. Even many who are comfortable out at mainstream places seem to default to gay bars when in unfamiliar territory.

I, on the other hand, am more likely to be found at places your dowdy neighbor lady would go than anywhere else. Part of it is I've never been a bar person in the first place. I've been to more (straight) bars since I started dating my current gf than I have in my entire life previous. No way I would go (dressed) to a bar by myself! And a gay bar, double no way! I'll except hotel bars (where I'm staying), but that's a little different.

I've been to only one gay bar, and that was for a support group meeting. One of only two meetings I've ever been to. Actually, on that particular night, even aside from the meeting, it would have been ok. We were about the only ones there. There was gay porn on the big screen and a couple of young guys making out in a booth. Not something I'm used to, prude that I am, but not scary. Still, if I'd been alone sitting at the bar I think I would have looked like I wanted to be picked up. Same with a straight bar, for that matter. But gay bars have that added "zing" of being defined by sex (OK, sexual orientation, but you get the point).

I think for a woman to sit alone at a straight bar makes it appear likely that she's open to the possibility of being picked up. I think that for a male dressed as a female (that's already upped the sexual ante) to go into a gay bar alone is multiplying that appearance.

There's hardly a shopping center, hair salon, nail salon, or restaurant that I'd hesitate about going in to. Yet I see on here all the time, girls who are relutant to go to those places who are quite comfortable in a gay bar. I can see it being a really good place to go as a group, but alone, no way! Probably just my overall prudish nature (at least on the outside ), but it would scare the crap out of me! I'll be at Red Lobster, thank you!

[Emily Ann Brown]

Everyone to their opinion. I would guess that the girls going into a gay club don't think straight people will be watching.

It is a dangerous place to go. I have had several sexual advances...from lezzies.

Once I got my "landlegs" I prefer the malls and such.


Em

[JohnH]

I myself would not go to a "gay" bar under any circumstance. I also would not go to a straight bar dressed en femme unless if it was a Halloween party and I was going to do a Johnny Cash song with karaoke - imagine someone who passes as a woman singing "Rings of Fire" sounding like Johnny Cash!

I have been all over the place wearing skirts.

[Christy_M]

My (gay) neighbor mentioned on more than a few occasions that gay men are not typically attracted to CD/TS gurls. (I am not sure why this has come up so often and only now am I thinking I may have been caught.) They are into men just as straight women are into men. There is an element that would probably "chase" us (chubby chasers?) but that is not the norm in my opinion. I don't go alone and when I thought about going, I wish I had someone to go with me but there is a level of acceptance in those establishments that give me confidence that I can be somewhere and not be judged (too much) for the way I am dressed.

[StaceyJane]

I don't even go to gay bars. It's not really my kind of place.
As for safety going out. It's much more safe to go out in public during the daytime.

[AllieSF]

I have been to gay and lesbian bars and, except for one which is also a piano bar where I feel very comfortable, I have always been with a friend. As for being dangerous, I have not seen nor felt that problem in any of them. I also go out mainstream most of the time to restaurants, theaters for live plays, movies, museums, shopping and to bars. I understand not being a bar type person, and I was not either, except for certain ones where I have developed my own "Cheers" type of relationships with the bartenders and patrons. However, since dressing I have enjoyed the bar scene more and always have a lot of fun. For a lot of newbies, and it was similar for me when I started, the gay/lesbian bar scene does offer a place where at least in our newbie minds offers a safe ambiance for our outings, and from my experience that is a very true statement. Over time with more confidence going out and meeting the public our tastes change and so do the venues. I would not hesitate to recommend that someone who is just starting to go out try a gay/lesbian bar. Confidence building is important at that phase of coming out.

[Tammy V]

The first time I went to a bar dressed it was a gay bar, one that also has drag shows. The second time I went to a bar dressed was also the first time I went somewhere on my own dressed and it was to the same establishment. I have been back with friends a few times but quite frankly it gets a little boring. One thing, you are not likely to get hit on by men there, although sometimes "tranny chasers" come out for the drag show night.

[AKAMichelle]

I don't like going to gay bars for much the same reason. Now I will go to alternative clubs but they aren't the same, plus I wouldn't go alone to any bar. I just don't drink enough to have any interest in the bar scene. Most of the places that I go out dressed to are mainstream establishments. I find them to be much more my cup of tea.

[ronny0]

Have to agree with Rhonda, yet I can see that many might feel more accepted at a gay bay than a Hooters. Yes any bar alone is sort of an open invitation to people trying to pick you up. I don't think I am confident enough to go most anyplace alone yet... Maybe some day?

[DonnaT]

I've been to both gay and lesbian bars. The gay bar had a special night on the first Friday of each month for us.

I knew some others that went, so went to check it out. Never had a problem with any of the guys. Got to make new friends who weren't virtual (online) friends. A good time was usually had.

Not going every weekend or every month helped alleviate being bored, IMHO. Which could be said for any bar. However, many are bar flies and can enjoy going to a bar more often. It's not for everybody, that's for sure.

The gay bar was a place to go late at night into the wee hours of the morning, well after the malls, etc. are closed. So if your out, and feel like being out even longer than most establishments are open, a bar is a likely choice, is it not?

[t-girlxsophie]

I have to say one of the types of places i have felt the safest when out dressed has been gay bars.I dont know what ppl are expecting to see in such places.roman orgies or the like.Gay men just arent interested in us,and Tranny fanciers well they are nothing to worry about they are mildly amusing and pitiful characters

[Rhonda Jean]

The gay bar was a place to go late at night into the wee hours of the morning, well after the malls, etc. are closed. So if your out, and feel like being out even longer than most establishments are open, a bar is a likely choice, is it not?

Up until the past several months (with my gf), I've been flying solo. I'm pretty comfortable anywhere and everywhere in the daytime, but the later it gets, the more apprehensive I get. After the mall closes, I'll stop at Applebee's or some other restraunt/bar combo that's probably open 'till 11:00 or so. I'm more comfortable somewhere that drinking alcohol isn't the only thing to do. Certainly by 11:00, I'm done.

[sherri]

I was never a bar person either, and only started when I began dressing. At the time, I had no conscious interest in men, but I chose gay/lesbian bars and still do. Why? Because I am confident I won't be unwelcome or hassled there. That has proven to be true -- I've never had an unpleasant encounter in a gay bar. The fears expressed in this and other threads are largely baseless, and I'll tell you why:

• The majority of gays and lesbians are not interested in you as a prospective sexual partner -- or even as a close friend -- given your gender preference and expression.
• That said, no one is going to be hostile toward you, and some will be friendly, even reaching out to get acquainted.
• In the event you do get hit on, so what? Take it as a compliment, flattery even, and communicate that when you inform your admirer, tactfully, that you're not interested. If he persists, restating your disinterest, a little more firmly this time, will end the matter. Handled right, it's no big deal. I've even gone on to become friends with thwarted suitors.
• Here's a tip: Don't assume you won't like dancing, even if you're not a dancer. You'll probably love it if you'll just relax and go with it.

I think it would be fun to go to a straight club sometime, but I'm too chicken to go by myself. Why? Because, right or wrong, I'm not sure people there would be as benign.

Having said all that, bars do get boring after awhile, especially if you don't make some new friends, and even if you do. I luv to go so I can dance with my friends, but sometimes we go hang out at their home, have parties, etc., so that's fun, and it would have never happened had I been afraid to go to a gay bar.

[abigailf]

For me, dressing is not about where I go, but about being feminine. I like to look, feel and be girl. Going out dressed is just a bonus. I prefer going out with people that can hang with me when I am dressed. Where we go is not all that relevant, it is more about the people I am with.

When alone, I tend to do things like shop, go to the salon and do other chores that need to get done.

If I go to bars (gay or otherwise), it is usually with somebody, whether I am enfemme or not.

[Raven586]

I always go to my local gay club for Saturday night party's, but this year on haloween I am gioing to a straight bar.
I would say wish me luck, but i don't know if I need it : ))

[Fab Karen]

I think for a woman to sit alone at a straight bar makes it appear likely that she's open to the possibility of being picked up. I think that for a male dressed as a female (that's already upped the sexual ante) to go into a gay bar alone is multiplying that appearance.

First, I'll mention most gay bars don't show porn. Second, people go to bars to drink and/or socialize. Being alone is not an INVITATION to get hit on, whether you're female ( GG ), T-girl, male or T-guy. Third, gay guys aren't interested in us. We're not going to be hit on by gay guys looking femme.

[Rhonda Jean]

My whole deal is I'm deathly afraid of being hit on, or even flirted with. It's a rarity in my little world. The scariest happend in broad daylight in rather busy downtown plaza, so I know it's not entirely avoidable, regardless of how careful you are. It's just not going to happen much in the women's section of Dillard's. Gay, straight, I'm not sure it matters. It all scares me. I feel vulnerable to being preyed upon. I know that's just part of being out in the world.

If I was ever actually at great risk of becoming a victim, it may have been at an El Chico, of all places. It was one of those "after the malls close" deals. I ordered a meal and a drink. Before the meal even got there I was feeling sick. Very drunk (not even through one drink) and very sick. I went to the restroom, having to take off my heels after only a few steps because I felt like I couldn't keep my balance. Made it to the restroom and got really sick. I felt a little better after 10 or 15 minutes. I still felt very drunk. I returned to my seat and asked for my check, paid immediately, and hoped to get out of there before I got sick again. A few people expressed concern, male and female. A couple of them offered me a ride to my hotel. I ended up getting a cab, but I don't remember if it was at my insistence.

At the time I figured it was food poisoning, even though I'd only had salsa. Years later I described this to someone who thought it might have been a date rape drug. I don't think anybody was trying to carry me out of there, so I doubt that rape was the motive. I do think it's possible that someone slipped something in my drink just out of meanness.

Bad enough I was sick, but it was also embarrassing, and the cab ride to my hotel and back the next morning wasn't cheap. If it was intentional, it could have been worse. I still think I just got sick, whether it was food poisoning or a virus, but it makes you think. The dangers of being a loner.

[sherri]

My whole deal is I'm deathly afraid of being hit on, or even flirted with. It's a rarity in my little world. The scariest happend in broad daylight in rather busy downtown plaza, so I know it's not entirely avoidable, regardless of how careful you are. It's just not going to happen much in the women's section of Dillard's. Gay, straight, I'm not sure it matters. It all scares me. I feel vulnerable to being preyed upon. I know that's just part of being out in the world.

If I was ever actually at great risk of becoming a victim, it may have been at an El Chico, of all places. It was one of those "after the malls close" deals. I ordered a meal and a drink. Before the meal even got there I was feeling sick. Very drunk (not even through one drink) and very sick. I went to the restroom, having to take off my heels after only a few steps because I felt like I couldn't keep my balance. Made it to the restroom and got really sick. I felt a little better after 10 or 15 minutes. I still felt very drunk. I returned to my seat and asked for my check, paid immediately, and hoped to get out of there before I got sick again. A few people expressed concern, male and female. A couple of them offered me a ride to my hotel. I ended up getting a cab, but I don't remember if it was at my insistence.

At the time I figured it was food poisoning, even though I'd only had salsa. Years later I described this to someone who thought it might have been a date rape drug. I don't think anybody was trying to carry me out of there, so I doubt that rape was the motive. I do think it's possible that someone slipped something in my drink just out of meanness.

Bad enough I was sick, but it was also embarrassing, and the cab ride to my hotel and back the next morning wasn't cheap. If it was intentional, it could have been worse. I still think I just got sick, whether it was food poisoning or a virus, but it makes you think. The dangers of being a loner.

What a terrible experience! Honestly, it does sound more like a drug than food poisoning to me too.

But setting that aside for a moment, what is it about being flirted with that scares you so much? I'm not trying to say your fear is right or wrong, that's irrelevant, but I don't understand the nature of your fear. Sure, we all have to be careful out there, just like all women, but are you afraid of men in general? There's nothing to be afraid of in a man buying you a drink and telling you how pretty you are. It's not like he's gonna try to rape you right there in the bar, even if he was so inclined. In a decade's worth of clubbing, I've never met a guy I couldn't handle with a few kind but firm words.

Whether or not you wish to visit a club, don't let fear be the reason. It's the same ol' world you go out into every day.

Hmmm ...

On second thought, run back inside, lock the door and hide under your bed!

[AllieSF]

What you have described is a serious situation if it was done purposely, and I understand your fear. But it does seem unlikely that someone at Chico's was trying to drug you if the drink came directly to you from the server. Since you do enjoy going out, maybe finding a local friend, GG, guy or TG to go with you would help you overcome your fears and build your confidence. I think what happened to you was a very rare occurrence and hopefully you can get over it. Being hit on in male or female mode does not have to be a big thing as others have stated. Is your fear based on needing to respond in a male voice, not knowing how to respond, or something else? I wish you the best.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm gonna figure I just got sick. Doesn't seem like a likely drugged drink thing. Just makes you a little leary when out alone.

Why am I afraid? I'm not sure if it's the "OMG, he thinks I'm a woman" or the "OMG, he knows I'm not a woman!"

Either way, it's just easier to stay away from places where I feel like I'm asking for it.

[NathalieX66]

The thing about gay bars is that guys think that you're there for them. I've been to a couple of places en femme, and had my share of offered drinks and compliments......and everything else. Sometimes I feel like it's like walking into a wolf's den when you're the prey. But I also look at it this way: women also get the same exact treatment from guys , so in a way I find the experience not much different. That's a very feminine feeling, and in my head I'm thinking "yeah!! I did it". However, this girl here is a bit of a lipstick lesbian. All I want is to do is just show up in a place, and just be me....particularly amongst friends to laugh with.

[skirt_guy]

OK, great. Gay bars are in for some and not for others. So where are the safest places to go during day and night???? It's obvious from reading above that there are distinct opinions about both day and night so spill your thoughts ......

[Shananigans]

I love the local gay bars, but they can definitely be a place for sketchballs to congregate. One bar is waaaay more sketchy than the other. I think you hit it on the head that a MTF CD at the gay bar seems like they Want to be picked up.

This mentality annoys me, being a GG. Sometimes I just want to go to the bar and have a drink and be left alone. Just because I am alone doesn't mean I want to be hit on.

I guess CDs get the same sketchiness at the gay bar.

Ryan and I have discussed him going to the gay bar dressed and it's just not feasible if he wants to remain in the closet as a CD in his city.

Some of the gay men we know have big ol' blabber mouths and like to start some drama...so, I can see it getting back on campus pretty fast and being hard on him since he is very private about his CDing.

Would I recommend him going to the gay bar alone? Heck no. There are weird people sketching around there. If he was with me or a group of other CDs...I wouldn't worry as much.

But, being alone and people being the way that they are in his city...I would worry myself to death if he went alone.

[dilane]

I started out going to gay and Lesbian bars. I prefer Lesbian to gay bars, because I enjoy chatting with women.

But now I frequent a few straight bars, and know the folks there, and have a good time. People eventually know the score, and I don't lead men on. Nevertheless, I do get bought drinks One friend, the long time BF of a bartender often greets me with "Hi Diane, you sexy little b***h!"

I like the idea of being out of the ghetto. In LA, gay and lesbian folks go everywhere, why shouldn't I?

Most (but not all) of the straight places I go to I first went with friends, and then I became a regular, so it's comfortable. I get to know the management and the staff (I'm chatty). Going to a new straight club or bar alone is always a bit scary for me, and something I don't do that often.

There are Tran-fans everywhere, in my experience. And women who are definitely curious, too.

During the week (I'm out 1-2 days during the week if not too busy), I leave before 9pm. Friday/Saturday, it's another story

[Loni]

no bars for this girl, i am way to cheep to pay the prices they want at a bar. pluse i tend to not drink very much.
i would rather get laughed at on the street during the day...and i do not being laughed at. but i do leave some smiling.