I am wondering if anyone else has had the same experience.
As I have thought back on my life, I've realised that I had many memories of crossdressing from pretty early on, but have somehow ignored them for most of my life. Just in the last 4 years have I been expressing this aspect of my life, and I believe it's in response to a great deal of stress that I've been subject to in that period.
I'd really appreciate some replies; I have yet to see this topic on this forum.
Thanks in advance,
Donna
Last edited by donnalee; 10-27-2010 at 11:46 PM. Reason: Linguistic snobbery.
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
Memories are very unreliable. You should google false memories so you understand the dangers of believing these memories are real. Repressed memories are highly likely to be false memories but since we cannot distinguish between real and false ones you need to be very careful believing their authenticity.
The best way to get our brains to create false memories is to search for something that we need to believe in. Our brains automatically join together disassociated images to satisfy that need.
No doubt this is not the answer you were looking for but you need to educate yourself on the subject of memories before you lead yourself astray.
The stress of being a cross dresser or TG can be very real if you have problems in acceptance whether it is from your self or others and society , whatever causes you stress needs to be released some time .
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
I know that I have repressed some earlier memories of crossdressing. I think it was because I thought it was bad. I know better now. No more repressing!
Freddy
I've never ingnored them....
I have always been a bit of a skeptic about the "repressed" memory issue. I felt it was similar to "statistics"...where you can manipulate the data to support just about any point you want, lol.
Although it is not specific to CD...I became a believer in the concept last year while visiting my mom in the midwest. We were discussing the reasons my parents decided to ship me off to a military institute during my high school years. I realized that I could only recall a couple events from the entire time I attended the school! My roommate and the disciplinary time I spent marching around in a circle after school. The rest is entirely "blank". Really a weird feeling. I guess I can assume that I did not have much fun there, eh?
Maybe I was a crossdresser there, walking around in a little black dress and 5" pumps...with my M-1 rifle on my shoulder...and just blocked it all out...hehehehe
The mind is remarkable in its ability to engage "protection" actions when we need them to maintain our sanity...
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Interesting subject, one that I wrote about when I first started my blog (see Repression Is Wicked Strange, December 2008). I'm fond of saying that I was a late bloomer and didn't start dressing til late in life, after my divorce. And that is largely true, but in the ensuing years some relevant memories have come bubbling up to the surface that I had ... well, I started to say that I had forgotten them, but I actually think it's more accurate to say I had suppressed or repressed them so thoroughly for several decades of "normalcy" that, quite honestly their resurfacing has been a tiny bit startling, like a amnesiac gradually retrieving lost memories that seem to have occurred in someone else's life. It has been like following a treasure map, going from one clue to the next, tracing the origins and latent thread of my femininity.
Be skeptical if you wish, but I'm here to tell you repression is real, and strange. I really don't think I had been repressing anything traumatic or guilt-inducing. I think it simply failed to register with me (during those pre-Internet decades) that my flirtations were anything more than auto-erotic sexual dalliance -- kink, I guess you'd call it. Ingrained in me was the self-perception that I was a typically red-blooded, heterosexual male and that was how my life was going to play out, did play out. Only in hindsight do I recognize the signals that I missed the first go-round and what they mean.
DONNA
Yes! I am in the process of putting my memories of cross dressing on paper. It is difficult to say the least. It would be easy if I could remember things (repressed memories) in exact order but that isn't happening (at all).
SATRANA
I agree that repressed memories can be confusing and are often misconstrued, but to say they are unreliable is a REAL stretch, in fact "IN MY OPINION" totally off base. I believe, memories, repressed or not can be extrememly accurate if sorted out correctly. Yes we can put the repressed memories into whatever we want but I don't believe the mind "automatically" does it. The first time I put on high heels (over 50 years ago), I remember very clearly, a pair of moms white 3" heels, found in the attic, but ya know what, I do not remember taking them off.. I'm pretty sure I did, but I don't remember. is that a repressed memory, or one I simply choose not to remember? I don't know, I'll ask my therapist when I see her next week... I just realized I put my bra on this morning but I don't remember doing it. JEEEEEEZZ, I must be getting old.
No these are not womens clothes!! THEY ARE MINE, EVEN THE HEELS. (update 4/01/10) THEY ARE NOW ! ! !
I never repressed any memories. I have repressed my desire to crossdress and that has had very negative impacts on my life. One of my early memories was how cool little girls and womens clothes were compared to men's. Mary Janes vs keds, socks vs pantyhose or tights, bras vs undershirts. I rember kiking girls toys better and I remember wanting a sex change when I was 11 or 12 so I could be normal.
I dont think I have repressed memories, I look back at the peace and joy I had when I got the chance to be a girl, very fulfilling, much better than the phony attitude of trying to be a boy.
I have encountered this subject head on two years ago when I decided to transition. At that time reuniting classmates from all over the world became a web sensation at least in my country of origin and so I have ventured as well. One day when just beginning to find my elementary class and starting my hellos I've received a response to my posts calling me by female name. I didn't remember that name and was quite surprised. Then after several posts I have learned that for entire 8 years of elementary school I have been given a nickname of that particular girls name. It became clear that I have suppressed this memory for it clearly legitimized my femininity as seen by others around me. Go figure! I would have sworn no one has ever called me by that name or any other girly name.
During one of my bouts of therapy, the goal of which was to figure out my self-destructive behaviour, my therapist said I was unable to express any real emotions. Every expression was cued by my environment and from an inventory of learned responses. She said it was due to my blocking of memories that upset me. She was never able to unblock my emotions, but I'm assuming that the blocked memories if recalled would be repressed memories.
I'm a skeptic about repressed memories but then what do I know? I don't have any real emotions.
Sarah M..,
Women's clothes? I don't put them on, I just grew into them.
http://sarahjanus.wordpress.com
www.facebook.com/sarah.m.janus
Thank all of you for your replies; please keep them coming!
To those who warn of these memories as being false and/or induced. These came to me alone; there was no other party, such as a therapist, involved. At worst, they're wishful thinking and "mostly harmless".
Sherri, it sounds as if you had simlar experience. I never explored the gay side as you did; when approached as a young man, I fled. That may have been for any of a lot of different reasons, but I really can't answer that question yet.
Thanks to all,
Donna
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
My earliest girly memory was after a surgery at age 4. I got a Raggedy Andy doll, and later wondered why they didn't give me a choice for Raggedy Ann. My mother had some pretty girl doll clothes that fit Andy really nice, which I used with her permission. I have a lot of feminine memories, but none of them are bad. My parents never gave me the idea that girl stuff was inappropriate for a boy. I have forgotten many early girly memories, not because they are repressed, but because I didn't think it was significant enough to be worth remembering.
I recently experienced one repressed memory. Since I've been to therapy" not completely gender related", I think I unlocked one.
I remember being around 7 or 8 years old and overhead a conversation between my mom and dad, where they were talking about me they were concerned about my behavior and how I wasn't acting like a normal boy. Around that time my Mom had to be institutionalized for periods of time due to some mental illness. I remember being so scared that I have just vague memories of those times. I just realized that I tried to act like a normal kid and comply with my gender in part trying to avoid to lose my mom once more time.
Well if you say that then you don't know about memory research. Our memories are shockingly bad. If you invite a group of people to witness an event and then ask them to recount what happened a week later every person will give a different version. Not only are we useless at recording details but our minds will fabricate events that never happened to satisfy a need. We all carry false memories in our heads, and I do mean everyone, and we have no means to know which ones are correct, messed up or totally made up.Originally Posted by bobi jean
CDs searching their memories for events in their childhood are prime candidates for generating false memories. I am not saying a repressed memory is false but you need to be aware that there is a possibility it is. The only way to know for sure is to cross check it with others who were there, and that of course relies on their memories being good.
Satrana,
I'm not going to say that people can recall repressed memories. I do know for a fact that our minds can repress memories of events that are traumatic.
Danni
I forgot for many years about my cd'ing in kindergarten, but I remember it now. i don't know why I forgot but I did
Michelle
I agree about me not knowing much about memory research. BUT, PLEASE STOP ASSUMING EVERYONES MEMORY IS AS BAD AS YOURS, OR THAT OUR MEMORIES ARE BAD AT ALL. It cant be healthy for you to feel so much pain and anguish about all of your memories. Have you considered therapy to help sort your memories and dreams from each other? I do not mean to be mean. I just get a feeling that you don't like what you remember of your life and if (IF) that is true, I'm sorry but you may not be able to sort out the past if you try it without help. If I am off base, I apologize. It is just that I have a sense that you are uncomfortable with yourself and I know that isn't good..... For you or anyone around you..
No these are not womens clothes!! THEY ARE MINE, EVEN THE HEELS. (update 4/01/10) THEY ARE NOW ! ! !
[SIZE="2"]I have a lot of memories about crossdressing, or thinking about crossdressing before I actually did it, but they were never suppressed or repressed. I kept them alive, acting as a mental springboard for the next leap of imagination. Nowadays I think a lot about my childhood and missed opportunities. I can’t change the past, but its fun to think about where and when I could have created some more memories, if you know what I mean. I have many regrets about not starting sooner, but my own circumstances were not favorable for such an adventurous undertaking. Repressed memories may come back in the form of dreams, and unconscious connections create a new, parallel reality - I feel young as a result... [/SIZE]
I have always crossdressed since my early teens but only the last years I have really done it fully and with the deepest and relaxed happiness. The chnage has been dramatical.
I am not going to weigh in on the nuemonic debate going on in this thread because I am sure I would forget my point if I did.
I do have memories from childhood that have come back as I review this aspect of my life. Are they repressed? I would so no. They don't relate to a tramatic event or anything like that. At least I don't think I witnessed my Barbies driving one of my Tonka trucks of a bridge or something like that. They just were dusty memories from my youth filed deep in the recesses of my mind until I decided to to reflect on this aspect of my life more and call them forward. They are simple little memories of things like playing with my Mom's doll collection or carrying a Raggdy Ann doll until I was six. I know they are not false memories because of old black and white photos of me that prove it.
Hmmmm maybe I repressed the memories of me doctoring those photos in order to justify my repressed memories of my life. HMMMMMMMMMM
See yourself as a soul with a body not a body with a soul" Dr. Wayne Dyer
Suzanne, that seems to be the closest to it. I don't beieve that I repressed these memories because they painful or embarassing; I simply forgot.
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
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