The fear of being found out you cross-dress why is it so bad

[AKAMichelle]

I couldn't agree more. 2.5 years ago I was suicidal and scared of my own shadow. I hadn't been that way but after 2 years of losing my business and a wife who is afraid of everything created a big scaredy cat. When I went out the door dressed for the first time, it was terrible. The word to use with my first outing was horrifying but I perserved. I beat my fear of cd'ing and in return beat the other fears. In 3 months I recovered half of my business and haven't looked back once.

When I started this journey, I never thought that I would be the face of anything related to cd'ing. Now I run a meetup group in Denver with 102 members after only 5.5 months. I am even planning on doing some outreach into the community next year. Fear no longer cripples my future.

[Cindi]

I must echo Amanda's words.

MJ means well and is only encouraging those who may be a litle trimid about facing the big, bad world. It really is not that bad and if you have no good reason for staying in the closet, then get out and enjoy life as you feel it.

[Pythos]

To the person that said you would have no respect for some that risked it all just for their own self gratification.

SHAME ON YOU!!!

That is such a horrible stance. Have you not seen the hell people went through when it came to the advancement of a cause, not the least being JESUS. That's right, Jesus. I will not take this on a religious direction, but people should learn a bit more of how his family at first rejected him.

Now, if I were to sacrifice everything it would be a) so I could look and dress how I wanted, but also b) pave the way for others that would also like that freedom. It would not simply be about me.

People get ostrasized from family for inumerable reasons. How about the gay people coming out to their families, and work? Many stayed in the closet to their dying day, for much the same reason I may. But I pray one day there will be an influx of Straight MtoF that just say "screw you society, your notions are backwards and sexist" and then I will join.

In the mean time, aside from those two factors mentioned, I am quite open with my wearing skirts, and other "feminine" garments.

[TGMarla]

The answer to this is obvious. People often look at you as a lesser person if they find out you're gender-bending. Their preconceived ideas about the transgendered, even those of your relatives and loved ones, often outweigh their attitudes towards you that they already have. And finding out that you're a crossdresser will change their conception of who you are, and generally not for the better. I think most of us would rather maintain the status quo than go through the pain and emotional turmoil of losing our standing with those who are closest to us in what may turn out to be a vain attempt to change the prevailing attitudes about the transgendered.

Sure, without such attempts, these attitudes will not change any time soon. But very few people have the fortitude to jump on that grenade.

[Marissa]

To the person that said you would have no respect for some that risked it all just for their own self gratification.

SHAME ON YOU!!!

Pythos, I did not even want to respond on the aspects of religion vs the topic. That's a can of worms left for another fight or thread (if you get past the mods).

So I will give my view of the statement, I will not sacrifice the livelihood of my children for the sake of my self-gratification. IF my children are old enough (emotionaly ready for the younger ones) to make their own decisions and are okay with it and the ramifications that may be endured..fine. Otherwise, I would limit my 'self-expressions'.

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For MJ and others who may desire to post this type of thread in the future:

Please take in consideration of what you are stating before you hit that Post Button. Not all are in a world where as stated so well earlier, that we can yell from the rooftop. We have alot to consider before we even take a step out of the closet, much less the front door..to enjoy a cup of coffee with friends as we are dressed. Some have to battle their inner feelings first.. to wage the outcome of the battle.

IF it was not for Amanda22 adding to clarify the original post, I saw this as another person's opinion that could be taken in by 'new members' without weighing the consequences. Yes, most would take what I just said and respond with "we are all adult here and make our own decisions".

How true...now do a search on those who were upset by accepting a post as it was written to 'tell your SO/wife, etc..you will feel better' Just to find out it did not go well..and the MEMBER blames the site. So much for being able to make our own decisions. That is why I try to put a line "this is just my opinion, you are responsible for your own actions".

Its great to see some providing support to other to further themselves into the glbt life, but please don't make it sound like its a simple journey for all to get to the cloud with silver lining.

Thanks for reading my 'rant'

Marissa

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm about to the point where I really don't care who knows I'm a crossdresser. However, my wife is at a point where she does. I am not about to complicate her life any more than I have over the years, so I'll be patient.

[suzy1]

Sorry but this sort of post irritates me a little. Why do some here assume all crossdressers want or need to ‘go out’?
I don’t but I respect the ones that do. Please remember that there are some of us that don’t go out because we don’t want or need to. Simple as that!

SUZY

[Sandra]

Well it seems that some of you have gone and gotten your knickers/panties in a twist

I don't see anywhere where Mj is saying you should be doing this, she is just trying to put her opinion across.

If this kind of post irritates you then don't bother posting just move along.

[MJ]

Sorry but this sort of post irritates me a little. Why do some here assume all crossdressers want or need to ‘go out’?
I don’t but I respect the ones that do. Please remember that there are some of us that don’t go out because we don’t want or need to. Simple as that!

SUZY

guess i'm not making any new friends here. seemed interesting post to me. and we here all the time why can't we do this or that or can't dress for a party or whatever.
so to me if you had the chance to go dressed you would.
i meant no offence to anyone just asking thats all

[suzy1]

Sorry everyone. Sorry M.J. I’m just being a bit grumpy tonight. I’m out of order saying what I said.

SUZY

[MJ]

that's OK

[NicoleWest37]

These treads are interesting cause we all are at different stages and positions in life. Some are free to do what they desire and others have stiff penalties for coming out. It is not an equal world and circumstances do dictate what each of us can or must do. In a Utopian society it should make no difference how we dress or how we present to the public but we live in a real society with hatred, different religious views, and prejudice that control peoples views of acceptable behavior. So some of us have no choice but to hide in fear because the dangers and consequences are all to real.

[KayleeDahl]

I am working towards my future, one that will include going full time. That said, there are a number of risks, both financial and social that the "stigma" of crossdressing or transitioning cause. This is a given, because we live in a world that is occupied by a large percentage of small minded people.

Once I'm able to make sure that my income is fairly secure, I will be in a position to risk the social side. I think one of the reasons that we are all on this forum is for the support, and advice, and insight into who we are and where our paths lead ahead.

I hope everyone will be able to find happiness, in the way that they themselves measure it.

Hugs
Kaylee

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

MJ
I personally think it is a good topic because it promotes questioning oneself and hopefully results in understanding more about oneself. Personal circumstances really do dictate ones reasons for their own decisions and I salute those who have circumstances that allow them to be more open in coming out. I also salute others who for their own reasons remain private and yes, they may question and continue to question why and others who are content with their current attitude with their crossdressing behaviour. I thank the website for allowing me a place to come and be me and enjoy topics presented here for comment and learn. One thing that I really do like is the atmosphere of mutual respect and a low amount of so called dictatorship, heck I get a lot of that within my social circumstances. For me I respect my fear of pain and rejection because it allows me to tread with caution as if my actions offend the wrong person, my life may not be as I wished it to be.

[Annaliese2010]

Well considering my father went to prison for murder.....and when my mother found me wearing a bra she pistol whipped me...

Awww... how horrible Kelly!!! Well...you certainly have some kind of inner strength girl! To turn out so sweet & nice in spite of being exposed to such violence makes that much clear.

With...

Strength & Honor! / Sympathy & Understanding!

-Liese

[daphne g]

Hi all , I'm not sure about this but the guys that I've told have all said "it's all ok, no big deal
and a couple of girls ,not all though have said "yuck"
I think theyr fixed on the knight in shining armour thing
and that dosnt help us pretty balerinas or princesses one bit
I don't think we should all come out to everybody we know
but everyone should decide for themselves who they tell
we will allways be some perverted fringe group , that's not going to change I don't think
that's my five pence worth

[SusieB]

Daphne

My SO is one of those girls who would say yuck! In fact she would say a lot more and in clearer and more graphic tones.I would dearly love to share with her but I wont tell her because I know how much it would hurt her. The closet is one heck of a lonely place but in my case loneliness is a small price to pay to avoid the alternative. I dont feel sorry for myself and I dont feel any need to come out to anyone other than her. I do so envy those who can.

[serinalynn]

I'm not afraiid to go out wearing womens clothing. I even recieved a compliment today from a Sales Associate at a Catherines store that I went to to buy some new hosery. Along with the compliment I got 30% off my purchase and got one free pair of Pantihose. I dress as a casual woman everyday since I hae so much clothing .now. I very carefully pick places I go when I am dressed as a woman because I don't try to look feminine. I'm just a guy dressed in womens clcothing when I'm out nd almost always in day light hours. I;ve gotten a few stares from other people, but no one except for my wife has said anything to me about my dressing.

[gianna25]

MJ...i get what you are asking....and to me i am not upset with you...its an honest question...and some of my TS friends i have met ask the same thing....who cares if your friends/family know...

well here is my two and a half cents on it lol

for me i love being a guy i work out a lot and play sports just love all aspects of it...i dont wish to become a woman just cause i enjoy dressing like one at times...my problem like so many others is that we dont want to take the abuse from others....some people can deal with the persecution for being "different" others cant...the funny thing i think is that the people who would probabaly persecute us are the same ones trying to pick us up when we are out LOL...anyway the bottom line for me is fear of being thought of differently by others...and i know that i shouldnt care what others think but i do....so i admire those of you that can live 100% out of the closet and do what you want in life but for me i am glad my house has big closets that i can hide in LOL...would love to meet a girl that would be into dating a CD but again i dont think i could ever come out to one of my gf's cause of that same fear that you get into a fight and they would "out me"

anyway thats my reason for living the way i do...hope that gives you a better undertanding

[MJ]

A we dont want to take the abuse from others

B would love to meet a girl that would be into dating a CD but again i dont think i could ever come out to one of my gf's cause of that same fear that you get into a fight and they would "out me"

A, you work out like i'm going to pick on you..... not

B, i'm Free

[Proteus]

It's the career with me too. I don't know if it gets better in more senior positions, though. But right now I certainly can't afford to have my application end up in the trash because I want both male and female uniform.

Unfortunately the gender binary seems to be set in stone in this society. It's one thing with transsexuals who are exclusively male or female, but I'm having a hard time figuring out all the in-betweens myself, I can't imagine what it would be like for the completely uninitiated.

[mklinden2010]

Fear is a true color.

[Janice Lester]

MJ,

Terrific thread, I'm surprised by how many people see it as an indictment for not being out of the closet. Since I'm basically not out in my daily life I really do see it as a challenge to "be all the man you can be" lol. But I certainly don't see it as a put down for how I live my life.

When I started thinking about the negative responses (please no one take this as a judgment about you) I think the powerful emotions come from the fear, shame etc.

I love the thread because it is so thought provoking, I like having my positions on thoughts, emotions, wardrobe choices challenged.

So thank you for starting it.

[Marissa]

Well it seems that some of you have gone and gotten your knickers/panties in a twist

Seems that it was only Suzy who has gotten her knickers in a twist, but then knowing her, she might not be wearing any

I don't see anywhere where Mj is saying you should be doing this, she is just trying to put her opinion across.

If this kind of post irritates you then don't bother posting just move along.

Now..now Sandra, you as a mod are doing a great job protecting one who is just giving her "opinion"..should not that same support to protect be given to another who is giving their own opinion, even if irritated? As long as they are being respectful in BOTH cases...

With the exception of this: "my heart goes out to you i wish you could see the world as i do no fear but i'm out and i wish you all were too." MJ was coming across as if life is full of tranquilaty and we should just 'come out' to the world without fear.

I will say it one more time, if it wasn't for Amanda22 adding to it and provided some clarity, which MJ later agreed, the opinions would have continued to be more irritatable (panties bunched). Just my opinion

This has now become a thread to show the different reasons as to why we can come out to the world while others have to stay at the present level of within. Ain't life grand????

Please don't strike me with mod lightening..again!!

Marissa

[Polly R]

Pauline said:>
>Very simple for me. There is still a huge stigma attached to crossdressing. As I said to a gay friend (who was once married and had a child) who knows about Pauline you got zero flack or even any problems when you came out as gay,do you think the same could be said for me? He agreed that these days it would be easier to come out as as gay rather than a hetro crossdresser.

And Tania said:
> Two words "PAIN" and "REJECTION". The pain from possible physical and mental ridicule by others. Rejection from family,friends and society for being someone different from the so-called norm. Maybe "SHAME" if loosely used within a society with a fixed sense of their normality. Embarrassment for not being the "MAN" that you were physically born as and maybe not emotionally. Acceptance or the fear of rejection for causing embarrassment to parents who may have believed you to be the man. Fear for being someone you are not and rejected because you maybe someone else. "LIE" because you are no longer true to yourself and others, you become false as a person.

And Nikki said:>
How about job and career and the responsibility of supporting my family. Once the kids are on their own maybe Then I can trully be who I want to be whenever I want to be. In the meanwhile I will go out and interact with people when I choose to and where I choose.

So I say that between all of these lies where I think / feel. Probably what Tania and Nikki said are the strongest reasons for keeping it all under wraps. I do have a SO who, after years of having to put up with me CDing, appears to be reasonably accepting these days and has helped me no end these last couple of years. I'm very grateful to her for this and I try not to push the boundaries. I still don't go out - apart from several visits to the local CDers group but she seems to want me to try going out now but I'm still a little nervous and Pauline has hit the nail on the head with her comment. And, for the record, I'm strictly a hetero CDer who just likes to put on a nice frock, some slap, heels and a wig to slake my feminine side...

xx Polly R