I think I screwed up!

[jessbcuzz]

Well, I think I screwed up another possible relationship. I am wondering if I inform GG's to soon about Mileena. I used to always hide it or mention it in passing after being in a realationship for quite awhile. I had always felt ashamed, even though I am happy about Mileena. Anyhow, since I have been a member on here since the start of this summer, my confidence has grown to the point that Mileena is part of my everyday life. Not to be rude, but the confidence thing as gotten to the point that I now tell a GG that I am interested in within the first couple of conversations. If I feel that the GG isn't shallow and seems like an open person, I will let them know that I crossdress. I've been single for a year now, and I have found out that most GG's accept it, but don't want to see it. Blah, blah, blah. A few were "supportive". One GG stated the that it came as a shock, but she has always had a fetish for wanting to put makeup on a guy! If I would let her, she was ok with the crossdressing thing. I thought it was great, but after conversing some more, I came to the conclusion, that there wasn't a spark between us. Another GG that I had told, was supportive as well. She was the first one ever to come face to face with Mileena. After she did, it seemed like she was more into the crossdressing thing that I was. She'd make comments about we should go to Vegas so I can go out in public, if I wanted to go out, she'd go with me. She even started to pick out clothes for me. I informed her that I was offended by her picking clothes for me. Natural, things went down hill from there. After we split, I realized that the only reason she was interested in Mileena was so that I would "have to stay with her". Not to be rude, but I have learned that it is wrong to be with someone if they accept the crossdressing thing if there isn't a spark or flame between the two. I recently started talking to another GG. I tell you what girls, she was everything that I have ever looked for in someone. Throughout life, I was never sold on the "perfect someone" was out there. After talking to this GG, I belived I was proven wrong. She mentioned that she wanted to meet face to face one day. Naturally, I hadn't told her about Mileena yet, so the wheels started turning on when and if to say anything. To test the waters, I told her that I hope that I don't disapoint her because I'm not perfect (the thought of Mileena was in my head). She then replied that she knows that no one is perfect. If that special someone is perfect in her eyes, that's all that matters. My heart started racing, wondering if this was an open door to tell her about Mileena. Well, before I could make a decision on what to do, I looked at the clock and saw that I had to get ready for work. Even though we said our good-byes, the wheels in my head were still turning. When I was in the shower, I decided that now was the time. We've been talking and e-mailing for about a week, and she definelty didn't seem like the type that would not hold my crossdressing life against me. So, I e-mailed her quickly before I set off to work. Naturally, my mind and soul was aching to know what her responce would be. Those 8 hours could not have gone any slower. Well, now that I am home and after checking my e-mail. I had to confide in everyone here. It feels as if my heart has been crushed. "Everyone has their own interests and that is what makes us all different. However, I don't think I can understand or want to understand why you do it. I doubt you will be able to find what you are looking for, but good luck in your serach." I won't lie, I am so sick to my stomach. I wonder if I shouldn't have said anything or should have waited longer. I want to be honest about Mileena. However, after this screw up, I wonder if maybe I am to open about it? Just have to keep searching I guess and maybe reevalueate how and when to spring the news and how to define the spark that would would bring about the conversation. Anyhow, I am off to bed (work nights), and I am looking forward to what you girls have to say.

[Lisa Golightly]

I don't think it is something you can say in an email. In my everyday life people know what I am... those who gravitate to me are accepting because they know... there are a fair few 'Izzard curious' types... I met one on Saturday. Cute as a button, bubbly and accepting... she knew what I was, and was cool about it.

I guess different people need to be told at different times. I've probably failed to click with some lovely people because I was in heels and not trainers... end of the day though I'd rather not get into the lies, hiding, and fear scenario... Maybe I'm selfish?!? I want to be accepted for me...

I know what you mean about the dressers though. As a 24/7 girl I had it the other way... 'If I bought you some boy's clothes... would you wear them?' etc... NOOOOO!!!! (Door bangs on the way out..).

Love is out there. There are some truly wonderful women who are very accepting. Love conquers all they say... Keep searching... That special girl is out there.

Lisa x

[spaskinstyle]

Hello Sweetie:

My heart goes out to you. My husband is not a crossdresser but I wanted to give you a GG's perspective.

I think that it might have been wiser for you to tell her in person. I understand your readiness to tell her and your enthusiasm but when crossdressing is a foreign subject - the ability to clear up initial misconceptions right away may be in your best interest. I don't think however there is any "perfect time" to tell a new girl in your life.

This girl was not for you dear. When she said
[However, I don't think I can understand or want to understand why you do it.] She pretty much put her cards on the table.

But when she said,
[ I doubt you will be able to find what you are looking for, but good luck in your serach."] That was just mean spirited.

You deserve someone that accepts you as you are. Keep on keeping on sweetie. You'll find your soulmate someday.

Love Theresa

[Marla GG]

So sorry to hear that, Mileena. I agree with the other posters that waiting until you had a few face-to-face meetings would have been better. At the beginning of an online realtionship, there is always a fear that the person you are talking to might be a fraud or some kind of weirdo, so there is a tendency to run away from anyone who seems "complicated."

It's very possible that this girl knew nothing about crossdressing and had a lot of vague preconceived notions about men who do it. The problem then was that she didn't know and trust you well enough to stick around and find out more. It's true that there is no ideal time to tell a girl, but personally I think it's safer to wait until you know each other well and there are signs that both of you are thinking about making a commitment.

[susandrea]

I think a big part of this is that you got yourself so worked up before YOU even met HER in person.

If it were me, I'd wait and see if there's a spark first (face to face) after a few dates, but before becoming intimate then confide in her your other side. To let both of you get entangled and then spring it on her would be wrong, in my opinion, but telling someone before you've even met them in person seems too rushed.

I agree that this girl probably knows very little about it and reacted. After all, even if you talk on line for months you're still strangers, and she probably figured it sounded all too complicated for her tastes.

Also, isn't there a middle ground? Can't you bring up the subject in a round-about way to see where she might be at rather then drop it as a bomb? If she recoils even at the thought of crossdressing in general, then she probably isn't going to go for it even if she likes you, and you save yourself some heartache. If, on the other hand, she says it didn't bother her or something like that, then you have a natural in and a chance for understanding.

[DonnaT]

It could be that you've spoken too soon, then again the result might have been the same regardless.

I applaud your honesty, however.

[Lisa Maren]

Hi Mileena

I've always figured that the best thing to do is to first see if things get to the point where you start meeting in person. Then, watch very carefully for the period of time when you both begin to share deeply personal secrets. That's the time to share. If you share about Mileena in an email a GG doesn't likely know what to think (meaning whether or not the person she's talking to is playing games or what have you). If you wait until after you've met in person and are reaching the point when you're opening up to each other, then the girl you're with knows you're for real and not playing games with her.

however even before that, I heartily endorse Susan's suggestion of mentioning something CD in a very matter-of-fact way first -- referring to someone else, mind you, otherwise you'll tip your hand way too early. Dropping the subtle test suggestion is something I'd do within the first few conversations. Only make sure it's something subtle, like maybe you saw someone on the street and thought he was wearing pantyhose and see what she says. If she says something totally close-minded or evil then you know to move on before either of you has anything invested.

I'm sorry to hear of your heartbreak. There was a time when I asked a girl out. We were really good friends and I decided to find out if she was interested in pursuing things further. When I brought up the subject of romance I then told her (since we had been friends a while first and she wasn't just starting to get to know me) about my CD side. To this day, I'm not sure if that was what discouraged her or not. She told me she wasn't ready to be in a romantic relationship, and I trust her, but... at the same time she also didn't want to see me for a while, again citing the romantic unreadiness and how such an advance made her nervous. Again, totally plausible and believable, but... I'll never know. We're still great friends, though, perhaps because I chose never to make that judgment on her.

Good luck with your search! I'm searching, too! I hope we're both successful!

Hugs,
Lisa

[Lauren_T]

Mileena, as those above have wisely noted, it really is about waiting until the relationship has started to jell - the 'sharing secrets' stage. Once a girl knows you well enough to feel she can trust you, and does so - that's (generally) about the time that you should be able to confide in her as well, without her thinking 'that's too much, too soon' and running away.

But if you let it go too long, that can cause another kind of trust issue - 'why did you hide this when I opened up to you?' and/or 'what other things have you kept from me?' And rupturing a developing relationship at that stage is more traumatic for everyone.

You have to figure out the point where it's neither too soon nor too late - not easy, I know, but it's fairly safe to say that, so far, you been springing the news prematurely. So it would seem wise to, next time the situation arises, wait until she feels safe opening the door to her secret world to you and only then - and don't wait too long - show her that you trust her as well...

Hope that helps; Luck!

[jessbcuzz]

I just want to be honest an upfront. Not that I want it to sound like as a "Ok, this is me, deal with it or leave". That's not the case, but I don't want to waste anyone's time if crossdressing is the soul "this will or will not work". I will admit, this whole mess has been on my mind. Not so much because of the GG that got me started on this, but I am pondering if there is a way to test the waters before throwing the line in to see if the bait will be taken. Most I have ever talked to, think I am great until Mileena is brought up. I wonder if it is fessible to somehow lure the converstion to explaining that I crossdress. Like ask the GG if she knows any, or what her opinion is of men that have a more fem side to them. I think I may have come up with a few different ways. If you were meeting or talking to someone, how would you test the waters to see if it would be the right time to be honest about crossdressing to them?

[RachelDenise]

I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment. I do believe that you should tell someone about your fem side, but there are a number of ways to do it. I'm not sure which is the best but I would think being there in person to explain what it is all about would be best. Terrifying, but best. Don't give up and good luck in the future!

[Lauren_T]

I just want to be honest an upfront. Not that I want it to sound like as a "Ok, this is me, deal with it or leave". That's not the case, but I don't want to waste anyone's time if crossdressing is the soul "this will or will not work". I will admit, this whole mess has been on my mind. Not so much because of the GG that got me started on this, but I am pondering if there is a way to test the waters before throwing the line in to see if the bait will be taken. Most I have ever talked to, think I am great until Mileena is brought up. I wonder if it is feasible to somehow lure the conversation to explaining that I crossdress. Like ask the GG if she knows any, or what her opinion is of men that have a more fem side to them. I think I may have come up with a few different ways. If you were meeting or talking to someone, how would you test the waters to see if it would be the right time to be honest about crossdressing to them?

Wanting to be honest & upfront, when stated like that, would seem a perfectly reasonable thing to do, but unfortunately, it is gender-centric, like many male viewpoints that don't take into account the differing way that women view the world;
Women are usually scared off by 'instant intimacy,' take it from me, the Voice Of Experience in this area... Many girls who might otherwise accept your being a CD would run off just because you shared something they see as very personal, too soon. Don't get me wrong; I don't suggest that you wait until she's shopping for wedding dresses before telling her, but surely you can let it hang 'til say, the 5th date or so...

I sincerely tell you, more girls will accept you being a CD - once they've gotten to know you a bit, that is - than will accept your breaking the 'rules' about when personal details should be divulged! Silly, I know, nonetheless it's something they do and therefore, must be respected. It's one of those gender diffs in the mind, something I pontificated on a few days ago in another thread about GGs feelings about lingerie pics and why they think differently than men about these things. The thread is gone so lemme recap here to illustrate:
Men's tendency is to see things in terms of 'what something is' where women tend to see 'what something does.'
Female.....Male
Yin...........Yang
Earth........Heaven
Form........Content
Style........Substance
State........Process

In short, their universal tendency is to run if you don't obey the form, rather than concerns about what the specific content may be. Women can, and do, accept an incredible variety of sometimes even antisocial, outrageous male behaviours, traits, & cetera - but only if they are presented with it at the right time. y'see.

In point of actual fact, it is this very dichotomy in outlook that underlies much if not most of the misunderstanding with GGs regarding why we crossdress! For us, it's a state; to them, it's a process.
For the great majority of us, it's something we are, and therefore cannot change - while women (the ones who have never learned any facts about it) assume it to be something we do, which therefore is subject to change.

But if you insist in 'forging ahead' (Don't blame me if they keep running off, tho ), I suggest you watch together the Tim Burton film Ed Wood. I feel it's the best thing with which to break the ice regarding CDing, and for many reasons; it's a great movie, CDing or not; everybody loves Johnny Depp these days (& this is one of his great rôles!), also Bill Murray, Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia Arquette, all very well-known and -liked people; it affectionately portrays a CD as a guy who doesn't have a drop of talent, but who is a genuinely nice guy, weird maybe, but utterly harmless, no 'dark side' to him; maybe most importantly, it features a number of scenes where he comes out to different people, and their reactions, good and bad. These are very effective in dispelling many of the myths of CDing.
So, watching this film with a girl shouldn't arouse any suspicions, since it's mainly about the guy who made the worst movies ever, not about a CD; It's a great movie on it's own and highly enjoyable, it dispels vague fears about CDs with subtle humour, and; it gives you a ton of talking points and hence, a good choice of ways to steer the aprés-film conversation around to your CDing...

Anywho, go fer whatcha know!

[mhairi]

Great posts and advice, particularly Lauren's comment, - "more girls will accept you being a CD - once they've gotten to know you a bit"

As a GG, I don't know how helpful steering the converation to finding out any new friend's opinion of crossdressers would be. I knew very little about crossdressers before my boyfriend told me about himself and was more than a little taken aback at first. My first thought was to run! Fortunately I didn't, but I did seek out further information on my own and continued with the relationship. Had he just asked me my opinion on the first few dates, I don't really know what I would have said. I doubt if I would have had much of an opinion and would perhaps have said the wrong thing. I like to think I'm an openminded person so I know that I wouldn't have been negative but neither would I have sounded particularly welcoming of this in a relationship. Once I'd gotten to know him, I was much more open to learning about and accepting this side of him.

Perhaps you should think of yourself in this too. Do you really want to open yourself up very early in the relationship? You may go off them quite quickly. I appreciate though that investing time and emotion to be rejected further down the line must be terrible, therefore the temptation is there to tell all quickly but in my opinion, your chances of acceptance lessen by doing so.

I hope there's someone out there who's right for you and wish you luck.

Mhairi

[Khriss]

and "Truth" rules again! go figure?
I know ...but readin' all of this..is good for "K" !? hehe