I can't win against a war waged between my self split in two as each half fights the other with me stuck in the middle getting hurt.
He loves her so very much, yet she hates him with a passion.. so much so that she wishes to kill him.... even though he loves her so... so much that he wants to be with her all the time and is always thinking about her when she's not near.
This war inside my head brought with it much pain, because I'm in the middle of these two, for I am one and the same.
When I'm en homme, all I think about is being a girl... but when en femme, I never think about being a guy and wish I really wasn't.... this war in my head, two sides of a conflict within.
I once thought I knew my self, but clearly not, as I've recently discovered who I really am, lest the devil attempts in deceiving me with these illusions, cause surely though I look like a woman, and feel like a woman... is it real, or delusion...
This battle wages within me and it's painful... When I picked up that torch back in August and began down the road that brought me to where I am today, I had no idea the immense change that would occur nor within me, nor the overwhelming revelation and discovery of my self.
How could I have lived with my self all those years and not know who I am... HOW.
Every time I'm in male mode I'm depressed.. even agitated, angry and a slew of other unpleasant emotions.... All because I'm not happy.. not happy because I'm not her.....
On the other hand, when I'm en femme... I feel so much different and am the happiest I've ever been in a very long long time, all because of this bottle behind the walls, its cork removed and released from within, something from inside.....and I'M ALIVE...... and I feel so bad for hating him... because he's been with me for my whole life... yet, as happy as I am being in female form, it pains me a great deal that I'm destroying him, and that someday, he'll be gone forever..............
I often looked in the mirror in the past, not knowing whom I see before me, yet when en femme for the first time, she was not unfamiliar, although I never seen her face to face in the flesh.. I knew her for some reason, but never in a million years did I think there would be a war inside my head.....
and it is she that's winning.
------------ sorry if this is all confusing---- It confuses me too.