How do You Handle Ignorant Family Members?

[ReineD]

I challenge the beliefs that underlie these statements. Do they believe that gender and sexual variance, or for that matter, race and religions that are different than their own are inferior? Sick? An aberration? A bad choice that people make?

Usually comments like this are made from ignorance and all it takes is some education, unless the values are based in religious beliefs. It is difficult to change faith based values.

But if reasoning fails, I simply say that I am offended by remarks that put down an entire group of people who had no say in the way they were born, or their upbringing if they were raised in a culture different than ours.

[kym]

dear, many people put down that which they are afraid of, its their way of rationalizing certain things. Its like a southern child using the N word(and no i will not use that word in reference to anyone), they have been taught all their lives to hate a certain type of person without even getting to know them, and then when one of their family members is that type of person they don't know how to deal with it, so they revert back to what they were taught when they were younger. Every once in a while, they will change their attitude, but not that often. My parents are a good example of both ends of the spectrum: when i came out to my mother and my father, my mother at first was in a state of denial then eventually came around to the thinking that I was her child no matter what and she embraced me being transgendered, my father however refuses to have anything to do with me because"there is no way in hades any son of his wants to be a girl" me and my wife have discussed this at length, we have decided that we will give him every chance possible to celebrate birthday's and holiday's with us but if he doesn't want to then so be it, his loss not ours.

[NathalieX66]

It helps to develop thick skin too!.....though, uh, that doesn't sound to feminine, does it.
Well, you know what I mean.

[sandra-leigh]

My mother is on in-home hospice care. When they were setting things up, the administrator told me that many elderly patients AND their families adamantly refuse to have nurses, aides, or other hospice workers in their homes that are black, hispanic, or male.

My mother in law lived in japan most of her life, including living through the Japan / Korea conflicts around world-war II. Before she came to live with us 3 years ago, she disliked even just going in to a Korean store, including when those stores stocked Japanese goods. She has mellowed in the 30 months since she has lived with us, and now enjoys going across the road to the Korean store, has no objection to going out for Korean food, willingly watches Korean soap operas... whatever it was that was keeping her hate going has faded away.

Her life also had little experience to black people; now her attendant 5 days a week is black (Zambian) and she gets along well with her, apparently calling her "the sister I never had". What she continues to have trouble with is the stocky loud English women: their size and seemingly abrupt movements scare her (she is not big)

75 years of prejudice and propaganda can be overcome if the person is willing to look at how they are treated by an individual rather than at what they've always been told that that class of individual is like. But you can't expect that (say) a gossip story about Ms Hilton having a black friend to suddenly change millions of minds in any meaningful way.

[Kate Lynn]

With a slap upside the head usually.

That wouldn't work with my socalled family,they'd slap you back,or all of them would gang up on you.

[MiamiMarie]

I've read and reread this post probably 30 times, something was bothering me, I finaly figured it out. I've market the spots in red. I've had a similar issue with a family member, here is the issue. THEY KNOW !

Honestly, I really doubt they have a clue. It just so happens we live in a very tran-rich neighborhood, we visited Key West (VERY drag/gay friendly), and the state they are from (Illinois) just made gay marriage legal. Honestly, most of this seemed to be honest responses to things that were legitimately going on.

The only thing out of the blue was his father's awful comment, except that my husband has quoted him as saying that before - though I thought he must have misheard his father. I mean, what kind of parent specifically thanks you for not being gay? My parents never did that. Nor did they thank me for not being anything else they thought might not be advantageous (a foot shorter perhaps?). I love my father-in-law dearly, but all I can think now is, what a dumb a**hole who is missing out on the joy of knowing his son in a much deeper way.

Your husband PLAYS ALONG with them? Wow. He should see a therapist.

He does now. And starting this year, he will be seeing a gender specialist and going to a tran-couple group pride club with me. I will make him love himself come rain or Spain!!!!

P.S. guess no-one told them Key West is a gay vacation spot.

LOL. I told them this, and that there were clothing optional bars, "**** and Pussy" tours, and world-famous biker bars, but they could not be swayed. Anything to get a good key lime pie I guess.

me and my wife have discussed this at length, we have decided that we will give him every chance possible to celebrate birthday's and holiday's with us but if he doesn't want to then so be it, his loss not ours.

Wow. That is both very sad and an impressive demonstration of your maturity and character. I hope, for your father's sake, that he wakes up to what he has been missing out on soon.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Family with that attitude, argh sounds like mine. My family is so constant with meal times, furniture positions, and attitude that anything that perturbs their mindset is seen as a threat and usually becomes the brunt of sarcasm. My mother is sometimes very gentle and understanding, so much I have almost told her about my crossdressing. Unfortunately she is very scatheing when it comes to any argument and she will hurl demeaning, shnide remarks which cut like shards of glass so I suppress any personal needs to openly discuss anything remotely different to the family unit's belief. My father always makes a comment about the attitude of a person gay, strange or what by " at least he does not wear a dress, they are the ones you need to watch out for". The only way I see to tackle the problem is to ignore the ignorant and keep the stability because any pertebation of a closed system may result in many years of uncertainty and equilibrium may never return.

[Patty B.]

Lorileah hit it pretty good, couldn't have said it any better. Like you post, the less contact the better, for other reasons have been there myself, just had to walk away.

[eluuzion]

If it is a parent, I just remind them I am going to be the one making the decisions about their nursing home when they get older, so they better be nice to me...

If you want to get a quick pulse on a person's moral and ethical perspectives, ask them to share what their life was like when they were ten years old. That's a great little tip, especially if you happen to be in sales, calling on purchashing agents and decision makers...try it...

Oh, and it is not worth your time to try and shift a person's foundation and bias. Particularly people that are 10 or more years your senior. It rarely produces a desirable outcome. You might as well tell them you are going to take em' out to the woodshed and set em' straight...

Some battles are not worth fighting. Stubborn parents have a tough time letting their children change their beliefs. It makes them feel as though they failed as a parent in some way. Like admitting they are guilty...

I just moved over 1000 miles away from my father, kept visits to 2days max, and rarely answered the phone. I did not even attend his funeral. Sad, but true... "It is what it is"...

[Starla]

Some battles are not worth fighting. Stubborn parents have a tough time letting their children change their beliefs. It makes them feel as though they failed as a parent in some way. Like admitting they are guilty.

Sad, but true -- not just with family members, but anyone whose misguided beliefs and notions are so strongly ingrained. People tend to cling to those beliefs tenaciously, and often when you try to counter those beliefs, even if done gently and respectfully, it works against you. It just sets up that cognitive dissonance in which the more you try to argue from facts and evidence, the deeper they dig their defensive trench.

Some people's attitudes can be changed. But when you encounter someone who obviously has no desire to listen, you might as well be speaking two different languages. That's when it's best to just walk away and save your breath and not allow it to get to you. It can be hard when it's someone you care about, but it's often the best way to handle things.

[joyce483]

Did you say your father-in-laws name was Archie Bunker?

[Jason+]

My favorite quote of all time is "The cure for ignorance is education; the cure for stupidity is death." The only test I've successfully used to determine which I was dealing with is to ask a question that the established dogma hasn't really covered and actually requires them to think on their own. My experience with resistance has been mostly male but the questions would work equally well being asked of a female. Ask of a group of men have you ever tried on a a pair of your wife or girlfriends panties? Some will admit to it, some will not. If you can get one to admit it ask them if they suddenly develop an interest in men when they put them on? The usual answer is an emphatic denial of any male interest. The follow on question is then how many articles of womens clothing can you put on before you become gay. (Mind you I know it has nothing to do with it one way or the other.)

As an alternate you can use the classic woman who sleeps in his boxers and t-shirt or puts said items on after sex. Does she instantly upon wearing these items fancy women instead of the man she borrowed them from? Does she like girls when wearing pants and boy when wearing skirts or dresses?

The goal is to get a thought provoking question into the brain before they see the challenge to their beliefs and raise the dogma shield to full power.

[AllieSF]

I love your approach Jason. Now, if I can just remember that the next time I need it!

[Starla]

Ask of a group of men have you ever tried on a a pair of your wife or girlfriends panties? Some will admit to it, some will not.

From my observations of "goofing around" photos on Flickr, Facebook,etc., I think the typical guy is far more likely to put on his girl's bra than her panties. It's always about the hooters....

The goal is to get a thought provoking question into the brain before they see the challenge to their beliefs and raise the dogma shield to full power.

The "dogma shield" -- great term! I'm gonna steal that and use it...

[SheriM]

First, I would never, never suggest to someone that "coming out" is a good way to deal with the situation. I think that every case is different and only you can know if coming out is a good thing to do.
Some of my relatives (Dad) are very much against gays and transgendered, etc and would say that they are goof balls or nuts, that they should get their life together, that all gays are going to hell. I would try to argue that few people would choose to be gay, that it can be a very tough life with so many people ready to ridicule them and thus we should offer support and compasion to those that are really haaving difficulty coping. I would say we should be tolerant and realize that our way is not the only way. I would say that with your attitude, it is really fortunate that you were not born gay.
None of it did any good.

[Kaz]

My favorite quote of all time is "The cure for ignorance is education; the cure for stupidity is death."

I was thinking along these lines too... the answer to ignorance is education. Those who do not want or value education fall in the stupidity category. The only thing that makes someone stupid is the refusal to learn.

Death may seem a little extreme for stupidity, but...as the German philosopher Schiller once wrote... "Against stupidity, the gods themselves labour in vain"...

[Jason+]

Death may seem a little extreme for stupidity, but...as the German philosopher Schiller once wrote... "Against stupidity, the gods themselves labour in vain"...

It could be a matter of interpretation as well. I always felt it meant that death was the only thing that would cure rampant, willful and belligerant stupidity more so than that those who exhibited it should be hunted down and put to death for it.

[Avana]

terminally ignorant.

hehe! this is a lovely turn of phrase

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

If the cure for ignorance is education, hell I would hate to be the educator in this instance, especially with some students and their attitudes but I agree, educate the ignorant and hopefully they comprehend and understand.