How do you all deal with the problem that when you hide a major part of your life, you can't really be open to your friends?
I mean, do you also feel a kind of distance because you couldn't easily have something like a pajama party with your regular friends or a movie night where you're just yourself.
I'm not really talking about partners and relationships now because that's been discussed a lot but please mention it too if you find it relevant.
Fluffy, this is a question that comes up frequently. It is very hard to hide a portion of your life that means so much to you. Yes your SO can agree but what about friends? That is very hard to handle.
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Tamara
Lucky I have a few friends. CD, gg and one gm who knows. It took a long time to come out.
A few years.
I did it like many here on Halloween I dressed.
I dressed well, a gg friend said I looked great and said I should try a different makeup. I said can you help me, she said sure. I dropped it and so did she until we went over the pics the next week.
Well she show me a few things....
It was lonely for me.
This site does help those days.
Originally i found this so hard the hiding a lying,the massive amount of stress that i was going through ,I started to become such and unhappy person.I just could not deal with it,I would go to friends places but not be happy as i was not really my true self,I would often worry about friends coming to visit as they might see me as i am at home.my sister intervened,I went to counciling,came out of the closet,and boy do i feel better,still small problems but nothing like they were.and you find out how are your true friends.
i havent told my friends yet,.. i dont think that i ever will sadly. i only have 1 friend that i actually hang out with. theres other people that i know and see on occasion when they hang out at the same friends house, other than that im pretty isolated in my own little world.
my friends once mentioned something about a guy they knew in school who now is a CD. they all had a great laugh at his expense. maybe i should of stood up for myself right there? i dont think i can though if the cost means being alone.
i know i dont make many friends because im afraid to be myself around people but i dont exactly live in a place where its easy to meet others like myself
I went to a CD club once and I didn't feel like I belonged there either. It seemed more like a gay bar with a CD night theme once a week.
i dont think there are any CD clubs around here. maybe i havent looked hard enough though cuz we have a pretty major city not far away.
Talking to friends
[SIZE="4"]I have only come out to one person and he was and still is very supportive.I can drop in and be myself most of the time. However, he recently became involved with someone and they don't understand and are not at all approving. The kick is that they are both male!!!
I know it is a rough position to be in (wanting to be yourself and people not understanding). You can only lead a horse to the water but you can't make her drink it.[/SIZE]
If the clothes make the man then the makeup makes the woman.
I can see how this will affect some of the younger and single one`s and it is or can be a very difficult choice to make ,be yourself or have friends , in some respects everyone needs friends yet one also needs to be themselves , i lost all my so called friends when they found out about me and it can be very difficult in life to cope with major things that happen when you have no one to turn to but (always that but)you learn to get past that unlike being TG you can never get past it .
The world is changing and it has become more acceptable and if i were you i would take a chance and share a bit of you with some friends as choosing one or the other will not work forever.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
No one is going to come to you if you hide your light under a bucket. When I decided to "come out" I basically lost my family and most of my friends. I made a bunch of new friends, including many in the LGBT communities. Most of them know me in both modes and have no problem being my friends one way or the other. People cannot be your friends if they don't know you are there.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
Reading through the replies I seem to find myself in a minority. I have told my family and close friends and anyone who asks and recieved very little adverse reactions.
My family have always known, I've cd'd all my life. My children know, I often shop with my daughter, my son is ok about it. My friends have been fine and I've lost none of them. I'm also always meeting new TG friends and acquaintances. I live a very full life.
I'm a happy go lucky type of person and when approached with direct questions eg: "Is it true your a crossdresser ?" I reply, "Yes, I have a great time too ! You should try it !". I find many women love it, it's seems to make them feel your more approachable somehow. If you make light of it and laugh at the banter, people, I find, generally don't care.
My friends and family know I CD but they seem to be very quiet about it, no signs of acknowledgment. Even though they know I feel distant still coz I cant seem to express my true self.
Im lucky my partner is very supportive, I get to share with her all my rants and raves.
I know the feeling.
I lost most of my friends recently due to their lives changing, it happens, people move, new job, etc. What I noticed is the fewer friends I had the more I could be ME. I guess I have used friends as an excuse not to be myself.
I have known what a true friend is, it is nothing short of amazing, everyone needs a true friend. It just seems we surround ourselves with horible people and call them friends. Its like I have always found a way to justify my self dysphoria by keeping people in my life who would hate me if they knew. Luckily, circumstance caused me to lose alot of those people, I will NOT repeat this. Not going to do it.
I know my path is my own and others will see my choices and wish they could do it and I know some people will disagree with me, and that's ok. I just think (in my case) that I need to openly (as a guy) find better irl friends. This is way out of my comfort zone, but I know that I can't be "me" around the people I have known.
As I just found out, there are alot of people out there who feel the same as I do, they are just as scared as me, just as embarassed as me, and just as lost as me. It would be really neat if we (as a community) could have some small something to identify us to each other, but I know it won't work. Just a thought.
I am lonely too, Its my own fault though.
Great advice from previous posts! IMO, having gender problems is like being a secret spy. We continue to live double lives, try to keep emotions in check & attitude high, and are very cautious as to how much we tell others. Most of us have very few "good friends" who will understand, accept, listen, and we become afraid that those too will avoid us if we reveal our "secret". Be confident and comfortable in who you are, and always be the best you can be - no matter what packaging you are wearing! To have a friend, you must be a friend.
My wife knows I cd, but she doesn't participate so it's pretty much Don't Ask Don't Tell, and that works for us.
There are other aspects of my life (besides cd-ing) that I am not completely open about, like any medical issues I have or my finances. If other people don't need to know things, why should I tell them? I don't live as a hermit in a cave, but rather I enjoy my privacy and keep things to myself that other people don't need to know. As to the original question "how do you deal with it?", each of us has to find a way. I suffer no guilt by keeping certain things private.
Fluffy's question gave me a shock - the replies are very comforting though.
I have always had lots of acquaintances and friends but somehow I've always been "lonely". This paradox has never seriously worried me - it's just one of those things that I don't need to understand. Perhaps I enjoy "loneliness" in a sort of strange way. Indeed my normal outgoing personality seems to want this undeniably darker feeling when nobody else is around.
Crossdressing was more problematic for me as I had always been afraid of it.
After moving into a place of my own a couple of years ago I started coming to terms with my crossdressing. Not all at once, but more and more. I now think that crossdressing (= the right to choose?) was probably the main reason for leaving a married-context that was exemplary for most people.
I struggled on alone in my new home.
I then joined the forum, and learned to speak a little about it.
I told a few people. The reactions were a kaleidoscope between acceptance and confusion. The ice was broken though and my sense of relief still overwhelms me.
I won't live under one roof with anybody in the foreseeable future. My SO accepts that which is very important for me.
I often have guests who regularly stay overnight. That includes my daughters and also colleagues.
My crossdressing remains hidden from them.
But I'm changing. I'm no longer embarrassed by the fact that I'm a crossdresser - but I've become more self-concious.
It's an interesting development because I now keep crossdressing to myself mainly because I want to look well when I tell someone.
The pressure is gone. I'm learning and taking my time. Nice and easy - not nearly often enough - and having some great fun.
That's mostly alone!
My friends, even my best friends, don't need to know everything about me.
Take care
Gaby
Last edited by Gaby2; 01-05-2011 at 10:37 AM.
I've found over the past few years, a lot of my (so called) "best friends", ones I've had since as early as the third, have been getting on my nerves more and more. We've grown far too comfortable, and I'm apparently on the low end of the pole and get picked on quite a bit, especially when drinking. Although for the most part they are pretty nice people, interesting jobs, hobbies, lived with some of them for years even. However their noticeable intolerance of the gay community, and questionable tolerance of TG individuals and CD specifically, what I would once shrug off as "whatever, at least I don't think like that" is becoming somewhat unbearable to just keep shrugging off. Especially realizing I might fight into two categories they insult the most, gay/bi and CD. (If I say "I might", it probably means I am huh? Subject of another topic I suppose.)
That being the long, here's the short of it... yeah, I completely feel the distance you speak of fluffy. Being single, having "friends" like that, and just plain not knowing how anyone else will react is depressing and sometimes frightening. I debate every day I'm hanging around with them of just flat out telling them, and they can be damned if they don't like it and let me move on... but just sitting near them and thinking that terrifies me.
Only thing I can think of to do, and am about to begin over the next couple weekends, is at least get the courage up to mingle with the local TG community and with some luck make a few new friends.
I do sure wish that there were (a LOT) more people like everyone here around. It would be much less depressing than it is right now. Even just a supportive SO feels like just a fantasy right now.
With love,
- Celes
Hi, great thread.
Loneliness can be an issue for me. Thankfully I do have several friends who are supportive of me, although there are none that I dress around. A couple of hours away there is the "Stonewall club" in Columbus, Ohio which has resources for LGBT people. I think location may often mean the difference between coming out in a supportive environment or not.
Loneliness can indeed be an issue, and I wish I could be more helpful to those of us who experience this emotion.
Just another man in a dress
i can totally relate to tbe loneliness. I spent most if my life there. i have 1 true freind who I know would take a bullet for me and would be OK with Christy, too. I will never tell him because I don´t want him takibg a bulket for me.
I have met great people here and have gone out with them and felt safe and relaxed and accepted. i am truly blessed to know them. Time is the only measure of true friendsbip.. With mutual effort, I know it will blossom.
More alone since I began serious dressing. But, NEVER LONELY!
Between BEING ONLINE HERE, sewing, putting outfits together, taking and editing pics, and SHOPPING, when does a girl ever have time to be lonely?
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
DISCLAIMER: The following, highly condensed opinion does not apply to everyone or reflect everyone's experiences, but it does reflect a common experience.
After a decade of feminine expression, my recommendation is that unless you are prepared to come out of the closet fully and build a whole new life as a TG (which comes with its own set of problems), you better have things other than CDing in your life or you are going to experience a great deal of isolation and loneliness. If you become consumed with CDing to the exclusion of other interests and relationships, you are going to get lonely, perhaps to a degree that is unhealthy. There are two principle reasons: 1) our society just isn't ready for us yet, which limits us in all kinds of ways and makes it difficult to forge deep, meaningful relationships; and 2) we tend to invest time, resources and energy on CDing that would normally be spent on other activities, interests and people.
I might also add that venues like this forum are great, but as a rule, no amount of digital interaction can or should take the place of r/t interaction. In other words, we can forge online friendships that are real and beneficial, but they're not enough; we all need someone with some skin on, so to speak. We all need to love, and we need to be loved, and that is best done in person. To neglect love is to jeopardize our own well-being, and can damage other lives as well. It is vitally important to maintain some perspective.
Last edited by sherri; 01-05-2011 at 11:17 AM.
lonely is a life style for some of us. maybe it could change, but i am not ready maybe never will be. to be "out" as loni full time, so non of my friends know, never at my job (i would be out of work with in the week). not company fired that is not legal, just problems with the other workers.
i am in a group in sac, but not in a "friend circle", so just go ever month or so.
i have lived all of my life alone, not many friends, live so far out of the way nobody knocks on my door. my job has me working weird long hrs so no body even knows when i am at home...not even my mom. i can go 30 hrs and only talk to some 10-12 people and this is at work. ( this past two days 40 hrs only talked to one person, waved at one other and i am at home) most of the time 80% i am alone. glad the ipod was invented.
Loni
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Loni
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For better or worse, loneliness is part of the human condition. Depending upon your personality (which is not yours to choose), it may be unavoidable. Don't blame it entirely upon crossdressing. Plenty of non-TG's live very lonely lives. Males, in particular, tend towards loneliness far moreso than females.
In the media, TV and movies, nobody is ever lonely. Life is always exciting and interesting. But Hollywood is not reality.
If you're young, the normal "solution" to loneliness is to marry and have kids. And for the most part it works. Also, just keeping busy helps.
I suspect being more open about being TG may not appreciably change your loneliness, but it can make you a happier person, a more self-confident person. And that may in turn make you easier to like, which could ultimately decrease your loneliness.
Cindi
Only my wife knows. In all honesty, I don't have time to be lonely. I barely have enough time for life
Anyway, no lonliness here so I'll just keep carrying on carrying on
tina
Loneliness is a way of life for me. I have no male friends; just acquaintances. I can't have any girl friends because that is considered inappropriate for a married man. My wife is my one and only friend but she hates that I am transgendered. I feel trapped and don't know how to get out. If I lived my life as woman then I would loose my only friend because she would divorce me. I am respected in our small town but that would end as well. Thank goodness for this forum. It's my lifeline. Leanne
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