A surprise

[brittany]

Well, another surprising day for me today.... I gave my girlfriend a ring for Christmas making her Fiancée. Anyways, as far as I know she knows nothing of my cding. Well today we were at Walmart messing around and I told her that I wanted to get some pantyhose or tights so that I could keep warm as I work outside with my job alot. I said it as a joke but she was surprisingly very open to the idea and even talked me into getting them. So I got a 2 pack of tights and she made me try them on when we got back home.
Also after a little while of watching tv she ask me if I would paint her toenails. So I gladly did, as I love doing such things. When I got done with hers I was asking her if it was hard to do her own feet. She said no and kept watching tv. I then started to paint mine "just to see how hard it was" She told me that I did a really good job on not only hers but mine as well. She was deff surprised that I could do so well. I guess little did she know that I have had alot of practice hehe.
On a side note I am not girly acting with her at all so this was prolly not expected from her at all, but she doesnt seem to have any problem with it. I love her and am so happy that today turned out the way it has.


By the way.....I still have my pink toe nail polish on!!!! she said she didnt care if I kept it!

[AnnaCalliope]

COME OUT ALREADY! If you are going to keep her around for a while, and you did just propose, this is something she needs to know. Don't wait 6 months - 10 years down the road to find out that she's not willing to embrace Brittany. There are hundreds of posts here about CDs stuck in relationships where the SO is totally anti-CD to barely tolerable of it, and the only person they have to blame is THEMSELVES.

Don't get stuck in an unhappy marriage because you weren't man enough to tell your woman you like to be girlie once a week (or however long you need). If she's not willing to love all of who you are, then she's not the one. But she can't consciously make that decision, unless you give her all the info up front. Anything you hold back is just going to be used against you if/when the relationship starts to fall apart.

So to recap -- COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ALREADY!

[sandra-leigh]

I wouldn't phrase things as boldly as Anna did, but I agree with the sentiment that it is better to let her know before marriage. We've seen many an SO say, "It would have been different if I'd been given a choice before we got married." Different in the sense that they would feel more free to be accepting of it, whereas when it gets revealed after marriage it is like being forced to accept it, and that gets resented.

[Persephone]

Congratulations on your engagement, Brittany!

I totally agree with Anna Marie. If you don't tell her while she can still make a choice you are dramatically increasing the chances of both of you getting hurt. She definitely has the right to all of the facts before you go any further.

If she can't accept all of who you are, then it is best that both of you know now. On the other hand, if she can go with the flow then you have a great chance of having a wonderful long term love affair.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Chickhe]

I don't agree with coming out unless you are talking about changing your lifestyle. If coming out just means telling her you like to dress up and she doesn't already know then you might shock her... I prefer to just show her what you like doing in small increments so she can learn about it. Just be who you are, I don't think you have to label it and just have fun with her like you are already doing, but have the courage and confidence to go all the way so she can see what you are up to.

[KristaE]

Fact: She encouraged you to buy... and then wear in front of her... tights.
Fact: She watched you paint your own toenails... pink.
Fact: She said she didn't mind if you kept it on.

My Conclusion: She either already knows and is trying to get you to come out of the closet, or she doesn't know, but is open to the idea. Either way, I think it is something you HAVE to explore. Quite frankly, if you're going to spend the rest of your life with this person, I'd bare all (so to speak) and just come out to her (tactfully, of course).

But if you're not comfortable with that, I can't blame you. I just think you've got a golden opportunity here. I'd definitely read up on coming out to your SO, but I think she is giving you some definite green lights. In fact, I would probably preface it by saying "You know, the way you responded the other day made it seem like it might be OK to discuss something with you..." and just let the conversation progress from there. I dunno.

[charlene#2]

i guess my question to you would be,did you wear panties over or under the pantyhose when you tried them on

[Rogina B]

You had best figure a way to get this all out in the open while she still has an easy out...because it isn't going away on it's own...I don't think half truths are the right way to go...either..

[Gaby2]

You're doing very well, Brittany.
For heaven's sakes you're only 22. I'm 44 (nice, huh?), still in the closet but not in the dark anymore.

At 23 I plucked up the courage to ask my Ex to marry me and never regretted it - great kids, great life, normal problems.
At 32 (nice, huh?) I got busted by her at the worst possible time, in the worst possible manner, in the worst possible place.
We never really recovered. Her trust in me was mortally wounded.

I regret very much not beginning coming to terms with my crossdressing sooner - accepting me myself.
There were many reasons, not the least a mixed-up sense of responsibility, but no excuses.

You have plenty of time - you're freshly engaged and self-confident, especially as regards cding - and not too bothered, as it seems.
In this and your previous thread you have had many contrasting but always encouraging replies.

Enjoy your sense of surprise - and believe in yourself.

Rootin' for ya, Gaby

[DAVIDA]

Hi Brittany!
First, congratulations!
Next, the time is now!
Back when I proposed to Jean, I had never even spoke about being a cross dresser!
Nobody had a clue.
It was the hardest thing that I had ever done, but I didn't think that I had the right to ask someone to share my life and not give her the option to make her own choice.
That was over twenty years ago!
Jean was the one who helped me to understand that it is something that I just am. It isn't something that I asked to be and there isn't anything wrong with it nor is it something to be ashamed of.

I can't tell anyone, nor would I try, what to do. That is something that each one of us has to decide on our own.
I hope that you have a happy and healthy marriage!
Good luck!

[kitchenette]

As an SO of a CDer I would concur with the great advice here: come out now. What you think are hints about your Cding or tests as to whether or not she would accept it are, in fact, not. She's clueless. She has no idea until you tell her. And even after you tell her, she will have no clue what it means. Trust me. It takes a long time for the SO (just as with the CDer him/herself) to understand what it really means. It's different for everyone. Tell her now and she will be grateful. Tell her later and she will be really angry and much less able to digest and accept.

[KimberlyR]

I agree with several others who have suggested that you come out. That said, don’t do it in a dramatic way. When you have an opening in the conversation, just mention that you were glad she was okay with your painted toes, that you enjoy crossdressing, let her in on some of your favorite things, and let her know you are happy she is willing to explore it with you.

Meeting her at work en femme would probably be a bad move.

[Marissa]

Hi Brittany, I normally review someone's introduction and some of their past threads to get a view of the whole picture since one may have their thoughts and questions, but have not provided the full story.

Even though I am somewhat one of those who started off innocently introducing me wearing naughty bedwear to spice up the bedroom in a form of kinkiness, I also came to realize that I wanted to play the 'woman' in bed. But due to other issues, it was not the forefront of our breakup. Then again, her non-acceptance and my desires still were a view of what our future would have been like.

So yes, please heed the words of those who waited too long..and some who still have not shared this side of themselves to the one who is willing to commit to a long term serious relationship.

Okay.. on a previous thread, you mention something about putting on her hose to prove to her that you would. Then there was some talk of a dress..and possibility of going out dressed.. hun, read the writing on the wall

First off, you are very lucky that she is willing to be adventurous enough to 'test' the waters in how you look in certain fem actions or attire. So maybe when the next slight hint of you doing anything fem, revisit that opportunity to have her 'dress' you up.. and see the reaction.

Then after analyzing the reaction to the best of your ability..have that talk when it is the time, even if the reaction was negative. Better in the near future...then plenty of regrets later, if you can't put this all back in the closet (pun inteneded).

In any manner, IMHO, I think you have the foundations of an accepting SO.. lucky you..

[linda allen]

I'll be brief. Come out now. If she's OK with it, that's great and you won't have to sneak around and worry about getiing caught. If she's not, end it and move on. A broken off engagement is not a life changing event. A broken marriage can very well be.

[Jilmac]

I think it would be in yours and her best interest if you were to tell her the whole truth about your dressing now rather than letting her find out from some other source. It may turn out to be another surprize for you in that she could very well accept and even support your dressing. From what you've already said, she seems to be on the right track to total acceptance.

[Kerigirl2009]

Don't assume she knows about your CDing, she may seem ok with you painting your toenails or even wearing tights but she may nonchalantly just think it is cute and you are still her man. I waited to tell my wife until our 14th year together and I assumed she would be ok with it. (I was wrong) Even though I on occassion wore some of her silk clothing in intimate times as she knew I liked the feeling of the materials. (she seemed ok with this)
Now that she knows ablut my femme side she is grossed out by this and it has changed how she sees me. (this really hurts as I miss her) we are still together but alot has changed and I long for our relationship to be the way it was before I revealed my secret.
This secret either needs to remain a secret or tell her before you get married and start your life together otherwise you might feel like your taking happiness from the woman you love. good luck.

[Roberta Marie]

Brittany,

May I add my congratulations upon your engagement.

I have to add, also, that I agree with much of what has been said here. I can't tell you how or when to have that talk with her, or even if you should have that talk with her. But I do want to add my opinion.

Something that I'm surprised has not been mentioned, is that I don't think it's fair to you fiance to not allow her to know all of you. If she is falling in love with you, she has the right to know the total person that she is falling in love with. To keep that from her is not fair to her.

You could easily decide to keep it a secret from her for the rest of your life. But if you read the posts here, you will see how difficult that is. I can testify about the personal stress that this has caused me, I kept it from my wife for almost 30 years after we were married. There are also far too many posts here about the pain that is caused by getting caught, pain for both involved.

As difficult as it was to come out to my wife, I think it would have been much easier on both of us if I had done it 30 years earlier. And I would have had a much easier life without this big secret hanging over our heads, always wondering if she would walk in early, or if I forgot to put something away.

That's just my opinion. You are the only one that can make the decision for the two of you.

Grace,
Bobbi

[JulieC]

Lump me in with all the others that advise telling her.

For God's sake tell her before you get married. SOOOO many stories of people here replete with shoulda-woulda-coulda's, and how upset their wives were when they found out AFTER getting married. I realize at your age it is very, very, very hard to accept this and have the courage to do the right thing. We equivocate, excuse, plead with ourselves to quit, hide, believe we'll be 'cured' by marriage, purge, etc. It doesn't work. If you don't tell her you stand a very, very real chance of being stuck in a marriage with an unaccepting wife. Further, you risk discovery by her and her feeling of betrayal. Sooo many women report that the worst part isn't the crossdressing, but that their husbands actively lied to them.

Forgive the stereotype, but; men often view not telling about something as something other than a lie. Women don't view it that way. If there's something important they should know, and they are not told, they WILL see that as lying. Once you break that trust, rebuilding it is insanely difficult. Some people here have spent years trying to rebuild it, and still fail. Wives have every right to feel and think "Well, he lied to me about that what else is he hiding from me?"

You can take this from a completely selfish viewpoint: Not telling her is really, really bad for you. You might get stuck in a marriage with an unaccepting woman, leaving you unable to dress very often, if at all. You also might have to spend years hiding everything, trying to cover it up, lying about it, trying to ward off divorce and threats of being outed, etc. Geez what a hassle! YEARS of it!

You can take this from her perspective: She has a RIGHT to know. You're committing your life to her and she to you. If she were lesbian and didn't tell you, and you found out after you got married to her, and she married you only because of social/family pressure and convenience, and isn't really sexually attracted to you though she does care a great deal for you...you would feel absolutely betrayed, lied to, cheated out of what you thought you were getting into. I have two friends who are now divorced because their wives eventually informed them they are lesbian, and went off to live with their girlfriends. The hurt is very, very real. I don't mean to equate crossdressing to being lesbian, but the kind of hurt you can and will inflict on her is incredibly unfair to her.

There are many other perspectives to take this from too. All of them work out poorly for a person deciding not to tell their would-be wives BEFORE getting married.

It's tough, damn tough, the toughest decision you will make in your life up to this point. But you MUST do it.

[Heathersgams]

Beginning to see a trend here? Tell her now, if the two of you can find a way to handle it you will be far better off. Letting her realise after the fact is really going to blow up in your face. Of course she's still in the ether because you just proposed so she's not thinking clearly. Don't wait long but tell her soon. I hope it works out for you, today the odds are much better than 20, 30 or 40 years ago.

[Heathersgams]

Just read JulieC reply again, true words of wisdom. If I'd known about this side of me before meeting and falling in love with my wife I would have told her. I know that now, matters little at this stage because we were married almost ten years before I even knew. JulieC is right, she will look on it as you were lying all along. We're all pulling for you

[giuseppina]

Hello Brittany

First, congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

It's time for both of you to disclose your kinks, financial information, sexuality, skeletons in the closet etc. to the other so both of you know what you're signing up for. It's about unconditional trust that is part of all healthy marriages. This kind of stuff can be a big wedge between between partners if it isn't discussed beforehand, and even then, it still causes problems from time to time.

Best wishes for the future.