I'm really frustrated because I typed this all up already and went to post it and lost it. GRRRR! So, here is the second try, hopefully I don't forget anything.
In my intro thread, I mentioned a really cool conversation I had with my wife the other day and I promised to post about it, so here it is...
First, for some background...
I have been married to my wife for 10 years now and we have 4 kids (and one on the way... ) We have a really good relationship and I love her more than anything.
She is a very supportive woman, in general, supporting me in my career, other hobbies, etc... but about 3 years ago, I laid the big bombshell on her... "Sweety, I like to wear women's clothing." Being totally unaccustomed to that kind of behavior, she was shocked, but was taking it in her usual stride. Then I made the big mistake of getting too excited and pushing too much on her at once, trying to get her to go shopping with me, which she did, but things blew up later when I wanted to be en femme with her and we had a huge argument, ending with me in tears - an absolute mess. (I KNOW I KNOW! BIG rookie mistake to make! )
But we worked through it and at least it was out in the open. Things were a bit weird for a long time. She had told me she wanted me to be honest and she didn't want me hiding things from her. We have a very honest relationship, which I really pushed early in our marriage, except for this one thing. So she was understandably upset by my deceit.
But every time I told her I wanted to CD, she would try to "cure" me or she viewed my telling her as a desperate cry for help to stop. Between CD episodes, she really worked hard to make me feel "manly" all the time because she thought that I CD because I feel bad about my manliness. So, I stopped telling her until after I had done it... that wasn't good either because then she felt like I was hiding stuff again. So I stopped telling her altogether. Not good.
I was feeling bad for how I had been handling it and so a few months later, I purged and told her that I was "cured" and that I had "grown out of it". Things did go back to normal, but the bad kind of normal where after the purge wore off, I had to start sneaking around again to CD.
Then about 6 months ago, I came out again to her. Less of a shock, she was just confused because she thought I was "cured". Anyway, she's OK with it this time and I don't push too much. I only do it on rare occasions anyway, so it's not too hard to keep it under wraps. But she still has this disappointed/hurt/depressed look on her face when she knows I've been dressing.
Anyway, I'm skipping some of the little conversations we've had along the way that kind of show that she's starting to thaw a bit. So one day, I start bringing up the topic of shaving my legs and I challenge her that she would never notice if I shaved my legs. I have fine blonde hair, so it is hard to see and not easily felt either. Anyway, I do shave one day and she doesn't notice (also, before that I faked her out a couple times, I didn't shave, but told her I had and then rubbed my leg on her leg... she thought I had shaved! That's how unnoticeable my leg hair is to begin with.) Anyway, I start shaving occassionally and she gets "mad" (i.e. playful mad, making jokes, etc...) about it. So I only do it rarely.
So, that brings us to the other day...
In the last two weeks or so, I've been shaving my legs more frequently (I posted some of this story in the other shaving thread... this is a follow-up, because of what happened yesterday). Then a couple days ago we are getting... amorous... in bed and she runs her hand up and down my leg, then a second later she does it again (kind of the tactile version of a double-take), but she doesn't say anything about. Of course, I'm totally freaking out in my head thinking that the feel of my shaved legs will totally turn her off and she'll get mad at me. But we continue and have a really good love making session (not just according to me).
So, I keep replaying this scene in my head over and over. So yesterday, I asked her if she noticed and she says she did, but it didn't matter too much. This is kind of a big change in attitude for her. So anyway, this starts a big discussion on my CDing.
I tell her that I know it is not "normal" and I don't begrudge her how she feels about it, but that it is something that is just part of who I am. I tell her that I've kind of come to peace with my CDing and I don't feel guilty about it and that I never have felt guilty about the CDing (just guilty about some of the ancillary issues that have surrounded my CDing in the past).
So she tells me that she has learned to accept that this is part of who I am and that this isn't a disease to be cured. She thinks that maybe someday I won't need to do it, but she said that she accepts this is part of me.
Then she said, "When I married you, I married all of you, even the 'weird' stuff. I want you to be happy and I know this makes you happy, so I'm OK with you doing it."
I remember it word for word, it was so big. My eyes quickly filled up with happy tears, I was about to burst. She was so tender and sincere about it we were both crying a little.
I know that was a big thing for her to say, so I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't going to go overboard like I did last time. So, knowing that she doesn't want to see me en femme, I reiterated my reasons for "hiding" it from her in the first place. (Basically, I told her I was hiding it because I didn't want to push her, so it was me trying to respect her boundaries on this issue.) She acknowledged that I will continue to dress and I asked if she wanted me to "hide" it and she said "yes". I let her know that if she wants to know about what I'm doing, I'll tell her, but it will be totally at her pace.
I think over time she will continue to accept my CDing and someday I just might be able to be en femme with her. It would be so fun to go out with her someday -- she really is my best friend in the world.
To all of you still in the closet to your SO... COME OUT! I know it is hard and you'll have to do it gently (hopefully you won't make the same mistake I did the first time around), but the difficulties are far outweighed by the benefits. Please don't live your life in fear... to quote Dune, by Frank Herbert:
This is true for most everything, including CDing... Lying to yourself and others (especially your SO) will be a "little-death" that will bring "total obliteration". I don't mean to get preachy (considering that I've done my fair share of lying... both to myself and my wife), I just want to convey encouragement and confidence.I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.