Really cool conversation with wife... BIG step, I think

[KristaE]

I'm really frustrated because I typed this all up already and went to post it and lost it. GRRRR! So, here is the second try, hopefully I don't forget anything.

In my intro thread, I mentioned a really cool conversation I had with my wife the other day and I promised to post about it, so here it is...

First, for some background...

I have been married to my wife for 10 years now and we have 4 kids (and one on the way... ) We have a really good relationship and I love her more than anything.

She is a very supportive woman, in general, supporting me in my career, other hobbies, etc... but about 3 years ago, I laid the big bombshell on her... "Sweety, I like to wear women's clothing." Being totally unaccustomed to that kind of behavior, she was shocked, but was taking it in her usual stride. Then I made the big mistake of getting too excited and pushing too much on her at once, trying to get her to go shopping with me, which she did, but things blew up later when I wanted to be en femme with her and we had a huge argument, ending with me in tears - an absolute mess. (I KNOW I KNOW! BIG rookie mistake to make! )

But we worked through it and at least it was out in the open. Things were a bit weird for a long time. She had told me she wanted me to be honest and she didn't want me hiding things from her. We have a very honest relationship, which I really pushed early in our marriage, except for this one thing. So she was understandably upset by my deceit.

But every time I told her I wanted to CD, she would try to "cure" me or she viewed my telling her as a desperate cry for help to stop. Between CD episodes, she really worked hard to make me feel "manly" all the time because she thought that I CD because I feel bad about my manliness. So, I stopped telling her until after I had done it... that wasn't good either because then she felt like I was hiding stuff again. So I stopped telling her altogether. Not good.

I was feeling bad for how I had been handling it and so a few months later, I purged and told her that I was "cured" and that I had "grown out of it". Things did go back to normal, but the bad kind of normal where after the purge wore off, I had to start sneaking around again to CD.

Then about 6 months ago, I came out again to her. Less of a shock, she was just confused because she thought I was "cured". Anyway, she's OK with it this time and I don't push too much. I only do it on rare occasions anyway, so it's not too hard to keep it under wraps. But she still has this disappointed/hurt/depressed look on her face when she knows I've been dressing.

Anyway, I'm skipping some of the little conversations we've had along the way that kind of show that she's starting to thaw a bit. So one day, I start bringing up the topic of shaving my legs and I challenge her that she would never notice if I shaved my legs. I have fine blonde hair, so it is hard to see and not easily felt either. Anyway, I do shave one day and she doesn't notice (also, before that I faked her out a couple times, I didn't shave, but told her I had and then rubbed my leg on her leg... she thought I had shaved! That's how unnoticeable my leg hair is to begin with.) Anyway, I start shaving occassionally and she gets "mad" (i.e. playful mad, making jokes, etc...) about it. So I only do it rarely.

So, that brings us to the other day...

In the last two weeks or so, I've been shaving my legs more frequently (I posted some of this story in the other shaving thread... this is a follow-up, because of what happened yesterday). Then a couple days ago we are getting... amorous... in bed and she runs her hand up and down my leg, then a second later she does it again (kind of the tactile version of a double-take), but she doesn't say anything about. Of course, I'm totally freaking out in my head thinking that the feel of my shaved legs will totally turn her off and she'll get mad at me. But we continue and have a really good love making session (not just according to me).

So, I keep replaying this scene in my head over and over. So yesterday, I asked her if she noticed and she says she did, but it didn't matter too much. This is kind of a big change in attitude for her. So anyway, this starts a big discussion on my CDing.

I tell her that I know it is not "normal" and I don't begrudge her how she feels about it, but that it is something that is just part of who I am. I tell her that I've kind of come to peace with my CDing and I don't feel guilty about it and that I never have felt guilty about the CDing (just guilty about some of the ancillary issues that have surrounded my CDing in the past).

So she tells me that she has learned to accept that this is part of who I am and that this isn't a disease to be cured. She thinks that maybe someday I won't need to do it, but she said that she accepts this is part of me.

Then she said, "When I married you, I married all of you, even the 'weird' stuff. I want you to be happy and I know this makes you happy, so I'm OK with you doing it."

I remember it word for word, it was so big. My eyes quickly filled up with happy tears, I was about to burst. She was so tender and sincere about it we were both crying a little.

I know that was a big thing for her to say, so I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't going to go overboard like I did last time. So, knowing that she doesn't want to see me en femme, I reiterated my reasons for "hiding" it from her in the first place. (Basically, I told her I was hiding it because I didn't want to push her, so it was me trying to respect her boundaries on this issue.) She acknowledged that I will continue to dress and I asked if she wanted me to "hide" it and she said "yes". I let her know that if she wants to know about what I'm doing, I'll tell her, but it will be totally at her pace.

I think over time she will continue to accept my CDing and someday I just might be able to be en femme with her. It would be so fun to go out with her someday -- she really is my best friend in the world.

To all of you still in the closet to your SO... COME OUT! I know it is hard and you'll have to do it gently (hopefully you won't make the same mistake I did the first time around), but the difficulties are far outweighed by the benefits. Please don't live your life in fear... to quote Dune, by Frank Herbert:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

This is true for most everything, including CDing... Lying to yourself and others (especially your SO) will be a "little-death" that will bring "total obliteration". I don't mean to get preachy (considering that I've done my fair share of lying... both to myself and my wife), I just want to convey encouragement and confidence.

[StaceyJane]

It's great that you have been able to come out to your wife. I came out a year ago and my life is so much better. No more hiding in my own home.

[MaryFran G]

Krista,

Great post. Glad things are working out for you. I am in a very similar situation.

Tammy

[Priscillia Smith]

Wow, what a story. I've been dealing with the same things you went through. I am constantly getting the "it's not normal", "why can't you just stop it already", "You need to be cured of this." It has been a little better lately because we just don't talk about it anymore.

[melissacd]

I agree that you need to be honest, you need to come out, you need to be courageous about who you are, you need to discuss it openly, you need to work through this together and find a pace that works and you need to accept that there could be serious consequences and a lot of emotional pain to go through, but in the end it is worth it.

[MsGreen]

Thank you so much for sharing. my best to you & your SO.

[Kassey]

Thank you for the story, it was heart warming. I feel for you both. I find CDing is a difficult mistress (excuse the pun) to tame, and so does my wife although she knows.

[JamieG]

That's great, Krista. Even though your wife has asked you to keep the dressing out of her sight, it might be good to understand if there are any boundaries she'd wish you maintain. That way you can avoid the future scenario: "Yes, I was okay with you dressing, but I didn't think you'd do THAT!" whatever "THAT" may be. For some wives, it may be panties, or it may be going out of the house, it may be posting pics online, etc.

BTW, I'm a sci-fi geek and appreciate the Dune quote. Can we expect to see you CDing as a Bene Gesserit some day? :-)

[Megan Thomas]

Just to say that shaving isn't the only way to have no leg hair. It can also be the result of medical conditions too. Leg hair doesn't make or break a relationship hopefully, especially as you can't always know you're going to always have it regardless.

[annabellejorden]

WOW, I am so happy for you.

I hope she does come fully around for you.

Good luck.

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

KristaE, thanks so much for your story. I need the optimism. It sounds REALLY familiar to me too. It took a number of years of marriage and a bottle of wine before I hinted to my wife about the "real me," which raised a flag with her, real quick. That was about 7 years ago, and I doubt she'll every really come around to acceptance. I call it loving tolerance. Hiding the desires, the purchases, and the time stolen away en femme has been very hard on us both, and 100% honesty doesn't seem to be any better because it salts the wound or brings out new things she doesn't want to hear.

After a few month purge and yet another commitment to quit (all against every recommendation found in this forum), I found myself slipping down that slippery slope.

I don't know when rock bottom will come in my life, but I hope it's soon. I'm getting worn out. (Loss of job, sucking down savings reserves, wrecked cars, storm damage to the house, and general all around depression.) Pestilence and fire are about the only things left, not counting if we lose our mortgage....

I've tried to make the decision of self acceptance. Okay, this is me. I'm a crossdresser. If someone finds out, too bad for them. Unfortunately, it's a burden on the family, so I don't dare come out publically.

It's within my own heart and head I've tried to make peace.

So with this revelation, I had a talk with my wife. To let her know I've started in again (which she knew), that I'll be honest with her about it, try to limit spending and over doing it.

I also commited to being a better spouse and parent. I'll come out of my shell, out of my cave, stop being a passive aggressive troll... all due to self defeat.

So far, so good. I've heard happiness is a choice. Well I choose to be happy and to be a crossdresser. I'm pretty sure they go hand in hand....

Pray for progress.
Kathleen Ann Trees.