Why are we so afraid of being thought of as Gay?

**Lucy_Bella** · 01-21-2011, 12:26 PM

Originally Posted by clayfish

I'll give you a short answer to this question.

It's because too many members find it difficult to remember that although many of us use female names on this site, and some of us use gender-neutral names, not all of us like being referred to as "girls", as in "Hi girls."

Whenever this happens and my gender/sexuality is confused/abused in this way, I make a point of reminding the poster that I am a heterosexual male who happens to like wearing women's clothing.

Tamara has actually posted a "sticky", so big is the problem.

Clay,

Funny you mention that , I have always felt a little offended when called a girl even tho I can understand why most choose to refer to us that way. I am not a TS and I do not wish to become a female, I just have a dressing fetish .

While dressed I still act the same as in DRAB , I walk talk and move as a male (prolly cause I am one)..I do not feel I am denying anything while feeling this way to me it's natural just as many here feel it is natural to want to be a girl..

This is one of the biggest reasons I feel what I do is a curse, due to and not only because of emulating a girl in apperance but remaining as a male inside. If I was to be more opened about the emulating as many here are ,then I would think IMHO that in doing so is letting the world know I do wish to be a girl. I am not open because of that reason .

I know hard to understand , we are what we are I suppose and in saying that would be confessing to others by being open to the world " Hey look everyone I want to be a girl"!!

**Rianna Humble** · 01-21-2011, 12:51 PM

Originally Posted by NicoleScott

I understand up to a point, Rianna, but don't quite follow how stating MY sexuality offends YOU.

For those who missed it in all of my previous contributions, I am not offended by a statement of sexuality where it adds something to the discussion or helps to explain the poster's point of view on a particular subject.

As I have said on multiple occasions in this thread, what does offend me is people who have to ram their sexuality down others' throats when it has no bearing on the discussion.

Without seeking to judge Clay in any way, I feel stating his sexuality because he was wrongly addressed as a girl adds nothing positive to the correction.

To try to make my point even more plain, I will take two hypothetical examples:

1 In a thread about relationships, I feel a statement of sexuality would be totally appropriate and might even add to the discussion. If I were contributing and felt that it would explain my thinking, I might state my sexuality in such a context.

2 In a thread about how to apply eye-liner, I feel that a statement of sexuality is inappropriate and may be offensive if expressed by a negative.

**GaleWarning** · 01-21-2011, 01:35 PM

Originally Posted by Rianna Humble

I understand up to a point, Clay, but don't quite follow how addressing you wrongly as a girl challenges your sexuality.

Do you not think that "I am a male who happens to like wearing women's clothing" would be sufficient response to someone saying "Hi girls"?

It doesn't challenge my sexuality, Rianna. It annoys me that people who do this are thoughtless and disrespectful of the person I am. Is it asking too much to expect people to always bear in mind that there are many of us here who have not the slightest desire to be female? That, and the fact that Tamara's "sticky" is ignored time and time again will ALWAYS cause me to be blunt almost to the point of rudeness on this issue.

And in response to this quote from Lucy ...

This is one of the biggest reasons I feel what I do is a curse, due to and not only because of emulating a girl in apperance but remaining as a male inside. If I was to be more opened about the emulating as many here are ,then I would think IMHO that in doing so is letting the world know I do wish to be a girl. I am not open because of that reason .

There is no need for you to feel that you need to be open to emulating a girl in appearance. Your dressing fetish, like mine, focuses on the clothes (outward raiment), probably because you and I are extremely tactile and imaginative. I know that my mind is not confused or guilt-ridden about who I am. I suspect that you will eventually reach the same conclusion.

**minalost** · 01-21-2011, 04:01 PM

Wow, this thread has really opened my mind up to some things.

1) I have been one of those who tend to open my threads with, “Hi Girls/Ladies…” or some such, under the assumption that all the people on this site would feel as I do about being addressed in a fem mode. Bad Mina: I hereby promise to not do that any more!

2) Some of us here are way too quick to take offence at things that are not meant to be offensive! The whole chip on the shoulder “I’m going to pick apart everything I read and hunt up every possible offence and slam the poster…” attitude is truly ridiculous. I know that I’ve read at least two threads this week alone where the OP has had his/her thread totally hi-jacked by someone ranting about how offended they were by the way the poster said something.

3) Some of us here (and I may have been part of this group… hopefully no more) are way too insensitive to the feelings of others. We need to all be aware of the diversity of this group and to clarify, as much as is reasonable, points and generalizations that we make so as to avoid offending people. Let me stress “as much as is reasonable.” It is not reasonable to amend and footnote EVERY comment just avoid offending every possible person you could offend, but we should all try to avoid the most obvious pit traps.

We need to find a middle ground. Let’s all be a little more forgiving of out fellows here – I don’t think we have too many professional writers, so some of our post may not stand up to those standards, so let’s all give each other a break!

And as far as declaring you sexual orientation? I agree with Rianna: it should only be brought up when it’s truly relevant to the conversation. But to be offended when it’s not relevant? Just ignore it and move on! If it’s really bad, send the poster a PM and let them know, as politely as possible, what you think.

**TracyBoy** · 01-21-2011, 05:51 PM

Originally Posted by BARBARA_MELENDEZ

I really like this thread, even when it takes other direction. I am a closeted gay crossdresser and sometimes I feel an urge to come out but I always back up because of fear of the consequences also in part of because I can't really accept myself being either gay or crossdresser. I know self acceptance is the most important thing but I feel I am struggling with acceptance at the moment.

Barbara, is it possible that you are having a hard time accepting yourself as gay because you are afraid of what others will think of you? For me, I find that more and more that when I see a pretty girl I'm thinking of what they are wearing and how they made themselves look pretty, and when I see a pretty guy I'm thinking of how sexy their body is in that clothing. I'm leaning towards more gay then straight- but my point is that I don't have to come out to other people. I'm coming out to myself, and that's all that really matters. Gay, straight, bi, whatever- I am who I am and as long as I like who I am, then I'm fine with it. I've seen your photos as a guy, and as a girl- and I think that the "real" Barbara is a very BEAUTIFUL personality inside of your body! Don't worry about how you are labeled.

**Anneliese** · 01-22-2011, 09:30 AM

I am a male CDer who has never had a gay experience...up to this point. I have never claimed to be straight, nor have I ever said I wasn't gay, here or elsewhere. I love dressing in women's clothes. I am turned on by (some...increasingly less) women and by (close to) passing CDs, TSs, etc. I have never really been turned on by a man, so far at least, and I can't see ever being turned on by a "manly man". However, I am turned on by the idea of someday experiencing different plumbing, no matter the form or orientation. This means I don't rule out anything, although staying celebate the rest of my life is the most likely option. The men I would be attracted to would be more like me...gender-bending sorts.

I too have been offended, at times, by posters who regularly throw in the "I'm not gay", or bring up their spouse as (I believe) a defense mechanism. To each their own, but it seems bizarre to me that a Cder wouldn't admit to being bi-curious. After all, their dressing indicates they are, in my opinion.

I can say many of the people in my life have suspected I might be gay, including my ex-wife, former girlfriends, women who have shown an interest in me and been spurned, some members of my family etc. I have always openly defended gay marriage, admitted to what I'd do if faced with a "Crying Game" moment, as well as stating my favorite movie of the last twenty years is probably "Hedwig and the Angry Inch".

To quote Tranny Tee from above, I have always said, "I y'am what I y'am..."

I agree with those who say sexual orientation should really only come up when it's pertinent, especially here. However I also believe in free speech, so I don't think anyone should have posts edited or deleted for mentioning it.

**Janice Lester** · 01-22-2011, 12:06 PM

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now and thinking about when the "I'm not" bothers me. There is the very long thread about would you consider dating a guy and I think that is the place it really got to me. People would pop in to say yes or no to the question but then others would phrase it so that to me it came out more along the lines of "of course not, that is wrong" No one actually wrote, it was more the impression I was left with.

**DaphneGrey** · 01-22-2011, 10:38 PM

Originally Posted by Janice Lester

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now and thinking about when the "I'm not" bothers me. There is the very long thread about would you consider dating a guy and I think that is the place it really got to me. People would pop in to say yes or no to the question but then others would phrase it so that to me it came out more along the lines of "of course not, that is wrong" No one actually wrote, it was more the impression I was left with.

Yes I know what mean.

**DaphneGrey** · 02-01-2011, 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by Stephanie Anne

No clue. I like manwiches so I have no idea aside from crossdressing does not instantly mean you are not some homophobic bigot?

Perhaps you are correct Stephanie and Crossdressing does not instantly mean you are not some homophobic bigot. Much the same way being transexual certainly doesn't make you a lady!

I get that you like stop into these threads so you can tell and everybody you are a transexual, work in that you are straight and manage to voice your disdain for us transgender folk who are searching for balance in our lives without transitioning.

If you really need go through all that to make yourself feel good you could at least try and offer something constructive to the conversation.

**Stephanie47** · 02-01-2011, 01:39 PM

As a completely heterosexual male, who happens to be a cross-dresser, I can understand why we say we are not gay. It's because the uninformed and misinformed think we are gay. When I was young I had been propositioned by gay men, even in the presence of my wife! Go figure how brazen some people can be. Of course, my wife would have gotten her claws out if that person was a woman too. If as a cross-dresser you are out in an establishment or event that has gay men, then I believe it is wise to declare your sexual preferences. Why waste time and drinks on someone that is unattainable. I would hope a lesbian would declare to a male that she is not available in the same manner. There are many heterosexuals who limit dating to their own select group- ethnic, religion, etc. I am a stay at home cross-dresser. I don't have to field that question other than to have reassure my wife.

As to bi-curious? As a male in male attire- nope, never. En femme- it's a fantasy that will remain a fantasy just as wanting to make love to an unattainable beautiful woman remains a fantasy. Sometimes it is better to keep a fantasy a fantasy. Sometimes realizing a fantasy does not meet the person's expectation.

**Rianna Humble** · 02-01-2011, 07:46 PM

In the context that you quote, Stephanie, it is completely proportionate to declare your preference.

Where some of us find it inappropriate is on threads in these forums which have no bearing on sexuality or availability for any kind of relationship.

**Melinda Lou** · 02-01-2011, 07:52 PM

I think this has a lot to do with not wanting to be labeled, and not have our thoughts and feelings defined for us according to a stereotype that someone else has in mind without knowing our whole stories. My wife and I have a good friend who's gay, who doesn't know I CD. As far as I know, he doesn't CD himself--he's a "bear" who's into other "bears", generally (so he's a hairy burly dude who likes hairy burly dudes). He wouldn't want to be labeled a drag queen because he's gay anymore than I'd want to be labeled as gay because I crossdress.

**Fab Karen** · 02-01-2011, 08:01 PM

First, "what you mean we, kimmosabe?"
Otherwise, you're making a good point. Those who CONSTANTLY spout off where it isn't necessary just sound like Larry Craig holding that press conference.

**BRANDYJ** · 02-01-2011, 08:24 PM

What was the question? Oh yeah, Why are we so afraid of being thought of being gay.

The short and simple answer is; I am a male to female crossdresser, I am also a male that is submissive to his woman, I also smoke cigarettes. So that males me a submissive crossdressing smoker. Gee, so now if anyone labels me with one more minority thing, it would be just to much! lol One more label and no one would think of me as just what I am. That is a normal red blooded American male that happens to like women.

**juno** · 02-01-2011, 09:10 PM

I think most crossdressers worry far less about being considered gay than the average male. What makes people upset is that so many people think there are just two classes of gender variations, straight and gay. They think you are not a normal male and must therefore be gay, oblivious to the diversity of crossdressers, transsexuals, intersex, bisexual, etc.

Personally, I don't mind if people incorrectly think I might be gay, because I don't think there is anything wrong with homosexuality. Well, except for my wife. She knows the real me, and nobody else really needs to know.