I feel so damn lonely tonight

[Genivieve]

I guess that's random but that's how it feels right now. It might be that I am always hiding a certain part of me and over time I've built defenses to keep people at bay.
So, I come here and look and comment. It's a good thing, I always return and we have a community but I also wish there was more acceptance in my immediate friendships (and girlfriend). I think the rift I have is quite related. Tonight it surely feels that way.

I do have all of you though and that is really easing my self acceptance. So lets take on the world now.

[Persephone]

Leo Buscaglia used to say, "It's your show. If you don't like the script, change it. If you don't like the stage, change it."

Personally, it took me a long time to reach a pretty good level of self acceptance, and it may take me the rest of my life to reach a level of great/awesome self acceptance, but I'm working on it. As to changing the world, thanks, but I haven't got time for that right now.

[Angiemead12]

my close friends and my family know about my CDing and yet I still feel like im in the closet. Im so happy that my partner is supportive and has gotten more supportive of me just because my friends and family dont really talk about it.

its kinda frustrating as they think its just a phase in my life. I love myself and wouldn't change a thing, i wish they were more open and accepting as well.

[Lucy_Bella]

Yes it is very lonley, my choice tho.. I could be with someone but I just can't allow it not without acceptance ..So I stay silent, tell them I am not ready for dating .. I know, I know thats no way to go through life being a hermit and locking yourself away from the world.
I can't think of any other way right now, well I take that back ..There are " crossdressing groups" ..But after trying one out I decided that wasn't for me either, it was too extreme tooTransexual like and more like a group who's preferance was to live life as a woman..(not that there is anything wrong with that) and no I didn't expect to sit around scratching myself watching a ball game.

I think in time we all find our way and lonleiness will dissappear it just takes time ..

[AnnaCalliope]

Finding a partner and future SO who is accepting, if not openly embracing of your feminine side is not nearly as hard as we like to think. After coming out of the closet to my best friend in high school, I refused to get into a relationship without letting him or her know up front that I liked to crossdress and that I might possibly transition to female. Out of about 15-20 odd relationships over a five year period, only 4 potential partners couldn't deal with it, and even then only 1 felt she couldn't be around me after finding out. In this day and age, people are a lot more open-minded that we give them credit for. I know a lot of the mistrust in people comes from a nightmarish fear of rejection and humiliation, but if you keep it all pent up inside, eventually it will all come bursting out.

[Tybalt]

I always feel sad when I see someone reaching out to the world.
Your post is so familiar to me, I coul have been the writer not so long ago. I am sorry that you have a lack of support.
There are many walls, some are nessary and some are defence from the world. It's hard to always feel like the people in your life know half the person you are, so there's always a secret life, secret you.
I haven't had a whole lot of people I could truely say knew me in and out.
So I could relate to the way you feel. I wish I could tell you it gets better and everything will be ok, but it does not allways work that way. "Taking on the world" meens taking on your world first. You are the observer, nothing changes unless you start the change. The world remans the same when vewed the same.
I would love to leave you with my favrate quote
"what is this but my reflection, who am I to judge or strike you down"
living as who you are is never easy some times lonely, but people come and go the world is never the same
but you are constant and allways there.

[cordgrass]

Sorry to veer this thread, but I noticed Tybalt's signature, and, well, I'm almost sure that C.S. Lewis was a crossdresser. Especially for a man of his time when crossdressing was often associated with wearing fur. I'm rereading the Chronicles of Narnia to my girls out loud, and now that I'm sensitive to it, I can't help noticing lots of tells in his writing.

To get back on topic I'm feeling lonely too, I must say. Of course it's not as hard as being a CD, but being a woman who's not naturally very femme is offputting to men.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Crikey, sounds like we have something in common by building defenses around us to keep some people at bay. Loneliness is terrible at times, one can still feel lonely in a room full of people. I accept it as a norm, well sometimes I can and sometimes I just cry. Yes Cry with actual tear too.

[DaphneGrey]

I know exactly how you feel! I cant think of much else to say. My suggestion would be to find a place to be you. I did some volunteering and even found a progressive church. I began making friends as Daphne and the lonliness of which you speak and I understand became much less. It still exists though, I have been feeling it the past couple of weeks.
I hope you feel better soon.

[Cynthia Anne]

I do have all of you though and that is really easing my self acceptance. So lets take on the world now.

I know the feeling only too well! I'm alone most of the time. If we take on the world, one of us would have to run for president! If you run, you have my vote!! Oh! I wonder what the president is wearing to night??

[NicoleScott]

I hope you don't think I am downplaying your loneliness, but those of us who started cd-ing long before the internet (and when there was much less tolerance for "different" folks) lived for years or decades in total isolation with our crossdressing issues. Hang in there.

[kimdl93]

Hiding is inherently lonely. I haven't any insights into the relationship between your gf and yourself, but it seems that would be the place to start. Maybe you can find some time to have a long, serious talk....a chance to lay all of each others thoughts, wishes, dreams, desires, hopes, concerns, fears, doubts on the table.

Certainly, this group is helpful in coping during those times of isolation, but I think the best thing we can give each other is hope and direction. There is hope, as many have shown, to live a happy, fullfilling life. And its possible to live in mutually supportive relationships. Neither is guaranteed - but nothing is in life.

[Karren H]

Definitely the need to crossdress can create a wall between you and everyone you know.... It started to happen to me.. Before my wife found out, during the height of my last pink fog event... My wife told me that our kids noticed that I was getting more distant... Less interested in them, her, family life... Everything except crossdressing. That right there snapped me out or started me on the path to snap out of it.. Luckily before I created any long lasting paramount damage. So if your in a place like that you really need to figure out how to reconnect with everyone and still crossdress... It all boils down to balance in your life. Obsessing over any single thing will tilt your life upside down...

Ps; yes I'm currently obsessing over my corset but its a small obsession! Lol.

[happy2cd]

There are a lot of caged birds who are afraid to venture out. Don't dwell on that.

Screw the world and be happy with you. (Easier said than done, but so is trying to conquer the world.)

[Genivieve]

Ahhhh! Thank you all! It's amazing how far I've come only to find bigger depths to face. All of your input kept me going today through so much work, stress, and conflict.

It does mean a lot to hear all of your feelings.