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  1. #1
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    Is it a fetish? Can it be cured?

    Hey y'all. Me again. I just wanted to update everyone on what has been going on since I last posted about my wife finding out. I read every post several times. I appreciate the good advice. After hearing from you I decided it would be the best idea to go with my wife to marriage counseling and see where that would take us. I really had a hard time not just breaking out of the waiting room door.

    But it wasn't all bad. After hearing my wife unload on me about this for 20-30minutes the therapist asked me a few questions. I was truthful about how I feel which made my wife cry even more but I answered some way difficult questions. After all this I came away with a lot to think about. I saw a lot of things through my wife's eyes. I could see how poor of a husband I have been outside of the crossdressing issue. I'm lousy at communication. I'll admit I have a lot to work on. But that's not the reason for my post.

    The therapist was 100% convinced that I have a satin/pantyhose fetish. He descibed it as no more than a sexual addiction. He says it is curable. He descibed using a 12 step program a lot like AA that he thinks would cure me. But he definitely told me that it is a sexual deviance. So how am I supposed to react to this?

    I had a few thoughts after I left this guy. One, this started when I was 4 or 5 years old. I had no idea what sex even was then. How does that work? Next, other than just to keep my wife happy and save my marriage, I really don't want to be "cured". I realized I've been lying to my wife about this subject, but if this is part of who I am for the last 35+ years, won't denying this part of me be simply living a different lie?

    So my questions, Is it a fetish, and can it be cured?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Debglam's Avatar
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    Hi Samantha,

    Was this therapist trained in gender issues? You probably need to talk to someone who "gets" this stuff to figure out where you are and then talk to a marriage counselor. Maybe the same person, maybe not.

    Best of luck with this.
    Debby

  3. #3
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    Im sorry to tell you this..

    Some therapist believe they can cure this so called fetish...I have never personally met anyone who has been cured and if it works give me his number.. I would see a professinal one who deals with Gender Identity issues..A therapist does not need a degree and is just mostly someone to whom you pay to talk to..

    Go with the gut instinct but be fore warned it's best to deal with a pro.
    I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Stephanie Miller's Avatar
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    I agree with Deb. I would check to see how trained this counciler is in TG issues. I have done many Outreach programs with groups of councilers that had not been up to speed or had really no actuall training at all in this field. Find out the facts. Not saying this person isn't trained and that the advice given to you isn't correct - just check.

  5. #5
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    Cured? are you sick? I don't think so. Some things just don't need to be "cured".

  6. #6
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    I'm sure if you give him enough money then eventually you will be "cured". also knows as running out of money and not able to buy satin panties any more!! Lol.
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  7. #7
    Member Lainie's Avatar
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    time to get a new counsellor

    This one is not going to help you & your wife.

    Lainie

    You're only young once, but you can be immature forever!

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    I don't wish to slag off 'Therapists', but to assume you have a 'fetish' that can be 'cured' seems a bit presumptuous to me.

    In my opinion, crossdessing is a life-style choice not a disease that can be cured.

    I may annoy some people with this comment, but I think the only thing your therapist sees is dollar signs.

    Alice
    Last edited by aliceeliot; 02-04-2011 at 06:23 PM.

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    I think you should ask the therapist your questions. As a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who went through the AA and NA programs and has been sober for 16+ years, I will tell you I am not cured. I am still an alcoholic/addict, just a sober one. So your therapist is off base if he believes alcoholics/addicts get "cured". If I were cured I could drink responsibly. I do believe that if someone wants to bad enough they can stop crossdressing. I don't think that "cures" them of being a CD though. Only you can answer the question of whether you have a satin/pantyhose fetish.

  10. #10
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    I have to admit that this therapist seems to be confusing issues. I would suggest a separation of ideas:

    1) Communication and understanding within the marriage apart from any transgenderism. Those are real issues that need to be worked on in any marriage. This is a good direction.

    2) Transgenderism is not something to be solved or cured, unless you call understanding your feminine self a "solution". If he wants you to come to grips with your transgenderism, that's one thing, but if you started at age 4 or 5, how does the therapist possibly think this has anything to do with a fetish? I think that this is not the therapist for this area of your relationship issues.

    just my 2cents.

    tina

  11. #11
    Boy with a girlie streak kay2's Avatar
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    This sounds like a sadly simplistic analysis by a therapist with no training in such issues. I went to a therapist with an SO many years ago. We were working on some issues unrelated to the CDing. However, my SO brought up the CDing as an issue that concerned her. The therapist's response was to ask her why it concerned her so much.

    The reality is, you can find a therapist to support any particular bias, and unfortunately you came upon one with a rather naive perspective on these issues. I would not go back to that therapist no matter what.

    One might just as well ask, what would one think of a woman with the same attitudes towards clothing that you have? Presumably there would be no stigma.

  12. #12
    Female Spirit Bernadina's Avatar
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    Seems to me that this therapist is about to release a paper on "Fetish really is a Disease" that needs to to be hammered with toxic drugs. Voilla, richer therapist.
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  13. #13
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha X View Post
    Is it a fetish
    For some, yes, for others, no.
    and can it be cured?
    No.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha X View Post
    I had a few thoughts after I left this guy. One, this started when I was 4 or 5 years old. I had no idea what sex even was then. How does that work? Next, other than just to keep my wife happy and save my marriage, I really don't want to be "cured". I realized I've been lying to my wife about this subject, but if this is part of who I am for the last 35+ years, won't denying this part of me be simply living a different lie?

    So my questions, Is it a fetish, and can it be cured?
    Just my POV as a GG

    You may not have known what sex was when you started finding what you liked in clothing as in touch and feel.. but as a young child you knew what felt good to you. Its not necessary the "sex" behind it all but what feels good to you at the time at that age.

    I do not think there is a cure for CDing but I do think that maybe for some it can be "tamed" or even stopped for periods of time (how long really depends on the person) but I do think that its not cured.. cause like others have said in the forum before no matter how long you stop even if its for a lifetime once a CDer always a CDer.. just like thoes who go through AA and stuff.. they arnt cured they just find other coping measures for their addictions.

    As far as this being part of you for the last 35yrs and denying it now.. I dont think you have to deny who you are but since you are in a marriage and you love you wife at some point you are going to have to have this conversation with her and maybe the both of you can work out some kind of agreement. You dont have to deny who you are but you do have to take into consideration your wife.. that might mean making some compromises on your part too.
    I love the fact that my husband can piss me off and make me laugh within seconds of each other!
    I can handle being alone, but doesn't want to be married and feeling alone.
    The only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because you don't have to mow that lawn.
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  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha X View Post
    The therapist was 100% convinced that I have a satin/pantyhose fetish. He descibed it as no more than a sexual addiction. He says it is curable. He descibed using a 12 step program a lot like AA that he thinks would cure me. But he definitely told me that it is a sexual deviance. So how am I supposed to react to this?
    Your therapist is very narrow in his definitions. Can you find someone different who is familiar with trans issues?

    As to being a bad husband, it takes two people to communicate and I hate to say this, but we have a 50% divorce rate in this country for the very reason that many people do not have well-developed relationship skills. There are tons of books in the self-help sections of bookstores on building these skills and it might be good for you and your wife to go together and choose one that you both thinks makes sense.
    Reine

  16. #16
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    Crossdressing is not an illness. You do not need a therapist. What is needed is a lot of communication between you and your wife only, leading to self-acceptance on both sides.
    Save the money you are planning to spend on therapy and buy your wife some jewellery, then take off on a holiday somewhere.

  17. #17
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    You could very easily have a satin/pantyhose fetish! You certainly wouldn't be the first man to have that particular fetish, nor the last. And yes, if you really like them that well then it is a fetish, not just a preference!!

    As for stopping, or being "cured" as the Therapist said, it can happen. But probably not the way he indicated! He would get a lot of your money, but probably would not achieve very much. The only way YOU can stop crossdressing is if YOU want to!!! Crossdressing is in your mind, and only you can get it out. I don't think you want to do that, so the only alternative is to work with your wife! You need to show her, by your actions, that you are still her man no matter what you wear! If you cannot do that, you probably will lose her!! She married a man, not a female!! And she wants you to be her man! You can do that, and still crossdress, as long as she knows that you are always her man. I spent almost 50 years with my late wife, being fully supported as a crossdresser the entire time. I told he that i was a CD when I proposed to her, and she accepted me! She always knew that I was her man, even when I was wearing silk or satin things. I should add that I have never had any desire to be a woman, I just like to dress like one!! If you want to keep your wife, you have to get her to feel the way my wife did!! Best of luck to both of you!!
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  18. #18
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    Can it be "cured"---Meaning can you stop yourself from doing it? I suppose you can but you will be miserable---and unlike drug and alchohol addiction, which have negative consequences on your health and ability to function as a responsible adult--why would you want to be "cured" of wearing satin and silk? My thought is that this guy is a fraud---I've been a recovering alcoholic for 15 years and been around 12 step programs for a long time. I've never heard of a 12 step program for TG and/or CDs---doubt that one exists---how did you find this guy anyway, and what are his qualifications for counseling on gender related issues?
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  19. #19
    Not sure where I am yet Jay Cee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsJanessa View Post
    Can it be "cured"---Meaning can you stop yourself from doing it? I suppose you can but you will be miserable---and unlike drug and alchohol addiction, which have negative consequences on your health and ability to function as a responsible adult--why would you want to be "cured" of wearing satin and silk?...
    Pretty much what I was going to say. CD'ing can be harmful, but not anywhere near the level of drugs and alcohol.

    I think it is more a perception thing. A wife finds out her husband is different than she originally thought. Her views on CD'ing are probably not favourable (thanks to society, family, and/or religion). She wants to maintain the status quo, and wants her hubby "cured".

    Crossdressing is NOT an illness.

    Time to find a therapist who knows what the hell he or she is talking about.

  20. #20
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    Therapist?

    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha X View Post
    The therapist was 100% convinced that I have a satin/pantyhose fetish. He descibed it as no more than a sexual addiction. He says it is curable. He descibed using a 12 step program a lot like AA that he thinks would cure me. But he definitely told me that it is a sexual deviance. So how am I supposed to react to this? Is it a fetish, and can it be cured?
    So this "the-rapist" is 100% convinced you have a problem? Just what is his take on normal? Pulling fish out of the water with a stick while drunk? Going fast enough on two wheels to guarantee certain death? What if your shirt buttons were on the wrong side? Pervert! Work things out with your wife and if CD is non-negotiable, then stop. Marriage is compromise and that's all there is to it. Or you could just continue to give a lot of money to a trained monkey. I've so been through this farce.

  21. #21
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Crossdressing, fetish based or not, was never a problem for Samantha nor did it interfere with family responsibilities (see other Sam posts). The wife is the one with the problem with it. Her intolerance with a crossdressing husband is the issue. Maybe the therapist can cure her of this disease. What? It's not a disease? It can't be cured? There's no 12-step program for this?

  22. #22
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    The wife is the one with the problem with it. Her intolerance with a crossdressing husband is the issue. Maybe the therapist can cure her of this disease. What? It's not a disease? It can't be cured? There's no 12-step program for this?
    Well, there are 12 Step programs for sexual compulsions, but I agree with you this is likely not Samantha's issue. She needs to find a therapist who is familiar with gender issues. As to the wife being intolerant ... we've gone through all of this in the other thread. Keep in mind we only do hear one side of the story here, plus, the wife is on a learning curve with this just as much as Samantha was earlier on when she asked herself the same questions that her wife is asking now:

    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha X View Post
    I shared my internal struggle to figure out who or what I was during those hard teenage years. How I’d heard repeatedly that only perverts and homos engaged in such a disgusting behavior. And how if I liked dressing in women’s clothes then I must be gay or want to become a woman.
    If Samantha was allowed to question herself and it took some time to reach a level of self-acceptance, surely her wife should be given the same consideration? They were both raised in the same society, with the same bias against the CDing. They are seeking help with a third party with this, which to me is an indication they are both interested in saving their marriage.

    Give the wife a break, already, and let's just focus on helping Samantha.
    Reine

  23. #23
    Fab Karen Fab Karen's Avatar
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    The couples counseling would be good for those non-CD related issues ( like communication ). As for "being cured" if it IS just a sexual fetish ( clothes or anything used for sexual arousal), potentially you could be cured of that. You can tell the therapist what you told us, that this started at age 5, but it sounds like he might just respond with some blather about "being in denial." The best thing you can do is share openly with your wife about it & take time to listen to her feelings/fears. Some people in such relationships work out a compromise, and some end up splitting. Depends on the two people & what they'll both put up with.
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  24. #24
    Member ziggie's Avatar
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    I'm not a therapist, but my SO is. I think Kittykitty makes a good point. Unless you disclosed a lot more to the therapist than you mentioned to us, that diagnosis was out of line.

  25. #25
    The Girl will Out! Kaz's Avatar
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    There seem to be a lot issues in this thread that also relate to a current thread questioning the role of therapists.
    Kaz xx

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