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Thread: Is it a fetish? Can it be cured?

  1. #26
    One Perky Goth Gurl Pythos's Avatar
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    You see, the moment he mentioned "12 step", I would have been out the door.

    12 step is just transferring one "addiction" for another. And I am sorry, you liking silk panties and hosiery IS NOT AN ADDICTION. It is a preference.

    It sounds like your therapist needs to concentrate on your lack of communications in the relationship, as long as that communications only lacks in stuff outside of your CDing.
    "I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
    Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.

  2. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha X View Post
    I had a few thoughts after I left this guy. One, this started when I was 4 or 5 years old. I had no idea what sex even was then. How does that work? Next, other than just to keep my wife happy and save my marriage, I really don't want to be "cured". I realized I've been lying to my wife about this subject, but if this is part of who I am for the last 35+ years, won't denying this part of me be simply living a different lie?

    So my questions, Is it a fetish, and can it be cured?
    Just my POV as a GG

    You may not have known what sex was when you started finding what you liked in clothing as in touch and feel.. but as a young child you knew what felt good to you. Its not necessary the "sex" behind it all but what feels good to you at the time at that age.

    I do not think there is a cure for CDing but I do think that maybe for some it can be "tamed" or even stopped for periods of time (how long really depends on the person) but I do think that its not cured.. cause like others have said in the forum before no matter how long you stop even if its for a lifetime once a CDer always a CDer.. just like thoes who go through AA and stuff.. they arnt cured they just find other coping measures for their addictions.

    As far as this being part of you for the last 35yrs and denying it now.. I dont think you have to deny who you are but since you are in a marriage and you love you wife at some point you are going to have to have this conversation with her and maybe the both of you can work out some kind of agreement. You dont have to deny who you are but you do have to take into consideration your wife.. that might mean making some compromises on your part too.
    I love the fact that my husband can piss me off and make me laugh within seconds of each other!
    I can handle being alone, but doesn't want to be married and feeling alone.
    The only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because you don't have to mow that lawn.
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  3. #28
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha X View Post
    The therapist was 100% convinced that I have a satin/pantyhose fetish. He descibed it as no more than a sexual addiction. He says it is curable. He descibed using a 12 step program a lot like AA that he thinks would cure me. But he definitely told me that it is a sexual deviance. So how am I supposed to react to this?
    Your therapist is very narrow in his definitions. Can you find someone different who is familiar with trans issues?

    As to being a bad husband, it takes two people to communicate and I hate to say this, but we have a 50% divorce rate in this country for the very reason that many people do not have well-developed relationship skills. There are tons of books in the self-help sections of bookstores on building these skills and it might be good for you and your wife to go together and choose one that you both thinks makes sense.
    Reine

  4. #29
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    Crossdressing is not an illness. You do not need a therapist. What is needed is a lot of communication between you and your wife only, leading to self-acceptance on both sides.
    Save the money you are planning to spend on therapy and buy your wife some jewellery, then take off on a holiday somewhere.

  5. #30
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    You could very easily have a satin/pantyhose fetish! You certainly wouldn't be the first man to have that particular fetish, nor the last. And yes, if you really like them that well then it is a fetish, not just a preference!!

    As for stopping, or being "cured" as the Therapist said, it can happen. But probably not the way he indicated! He would get a lot of your money, but probably would not achieve very much. The only way YOU can stop crossdressing is if YOU want to!!! Crossdressing is in your mind, and only you can get it out. I don't think you want to do that, so the only alternative is to work with your wife! You need to show her, by your actions, that you are still her man no matter what you wear! If you cannot do that, you probably will lose her!! She married a man, not a female!! And she wants you to be her man! You can do that, and still crossdress, as long as she knows that you are always her man. I spent almost 50 years with my late wife, being fully supported as a crossdresser the entire time. I told he that i was a CD when I proposed to her, and she accepted me! She always knew that I was her man, even when I was wearing silk or satin things. I should add that I have never had any desire to be a woman, I just like to dress like one!! If you want to keep your wife, you have to get her to feel the way my wife did!! Best of luck to both of you!!
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  6. #31
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    Can it be "cured"---Meaning can you stop yourself from doing it? I suppose you can but you will be miserable---and unlike drug and alchohol addiction, which have negative consequences on your health and ability to function as a responsible adult--why would you want to be "cured" of wearing satin and silk? My thought is that this guy is a fraud---I've been a recovering alcoholic for 15 years and been around 12 step programs for a long time. I've never heard of a 12 step program for TG and/or CDs---doubt that one exists---how did you find this guy anyway, and what are his qualifications for counseling on gender related issues?
    [SIZE="4"][/SIZE]

  7. #32
    Living Dead Girl Schatten Lupus's Avatar
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    As someone who is going to school to be a therapist, my opinion is to get a second opinion. It is fairly normal for men to have sexual fetishes about wearing a pair of panties or whatever. And be honest with yourself. What about this needs to be cured? It is not harming your body, it is healthy to express your sexuality, and we don't tell people who get off on wearing leather to seek therapy to be cured. AA is a group therapy for people who have a mental dependency to a substance that extremely harmful when abused. Cross dressing has always existed, and some cultures even held trans gendered individuals in high regard. And cross gender behavior is not exclusive to humans.
    There are the social problems that can be damaging, and should be considered when making a decision if you want to express this side of yourself. Honestly if you don't get very nervous, anxious, and worried about the future of expressing this side of yourself, you aren't thinking into it enough.
    But ultimately it comes down to what you want. Your wife is her own individual, and she may grow to accept your crossdressing, or she may not. And if she doesn't, you have to decide if you want to suppress what really is a part of your identity in this relationship (I'm not trying to sway you by saying it's a part of you, I am just being up-front and honest about it), or if you want to express that part of yourself and move on.
    Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein

  8. #33
    fearless transowman juno's Avatar
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    Is it a fetish? Yes, if it gives you sexual gratification, but that doesn't make it wrong. Many people have fetishes. Most men like lingerie, which is a common and socially acceptable fetish.

    Can it be cured? Yes. You can learn to quit almost anything. That doesn't mean it is a choice that is beneficial to your physical or mental health.

    It is important to do things in life that you enjoy and make life worth living. If you are obsessed with it, then work on moderation. There is no reason to give it up completely.
    Juno Michelle Krahn

    Normal people are weird. Stealth is another word for "in the closet".

  9. #34
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Schatten Lupus View Post
    AA is a group therapy for people who have a mental dependency to a substance that extremely harmful when abused.
    I just want to say there are many other 12 Step groups. AA was the grand daddy of them all, but many groups now deal with compulsive behaviors too. Not just physical addictions.

    I also want to correct something that Pythos said, about replacing one dependency with another when joining a 12 Step group. If Pythos had attended a 12 Step group for any length of time, he wouldn't say this. Although 12 Step groups aren't for everyone (many people object to their spiritual -not religious- nature), they've been highly effective in helping millions of people with their addictions and compulsions. I attended one myself for a number of years, although I don't anymore, other than to see old friends.
    Reine

  10. #35
    Living Dead Girl Schatten Lupus's Avatar
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    I just want to say there are many other 12 Step groups. AA was the grand daddy of them all, but many groups now deal with compulsive behaviors too. Not just physical addictions.
    I am aware of this. However AA was mentioned in the OP.
    Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein

  11. #36
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Some people struggle to give up comforting thing for 40 days "for Lent". I have no problem giving up such comforting things for a year, for 20 years, for more than 30 years. I have never once been drunk; I have never once consumed even a full glass of wine. I went to a casino, set myself a $5 spending limit, played the nickle (5 cent) slots, and quit when I got ahead by $4.35 rather than risk losing my winnings.

    I am, in other words, pretty much the opposite of "poor impulse control" -- but denying my crossdressing literally makes me sick. Sick enough to be on partial disability at work.

    There is a difference between "erotic" and "fetish". Has cross-dressing ever been erotic for me? Yes. Have I ever needed it for sexual performance? No.

    There is an erotic stories site that I sometimes visit. I rarely read the crossdressing stories; the only ones of those types that I recall ever having enjoyed was a series of true stories about a couple co-discovering the husband's crossdressing. The crossdressing fantasy stories are generally quite boring to me. I would far rather read the romance stories -- and I usually skim the sex scenes. If crossdressing is a "fetish" for me, it sure has a funny way of making itself known.

  12. #37
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    The real issue is not whether it is a curable fetish or not....The real issue behind it all, is whether or not you two can co-exist with each other.

    That needs to be the topic in the forefront with you counselor.

    Love and Appreciate each other for who you are as individuals.

    -Donni-

  13. #38
    Forthright Member Tybalt's Avatar
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    Someone may have pointed this out and don't take it as a direct comparison,
    do you remember when being gay was an illness?
    Some people like only black clothes, I suppose that's a problem too then?
    Further more anyone using a 12 step program has to want to do it or it won't work.
    "if i find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."
    -C.S Lewis

  14. #39
    the happy camper
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    My questions for the therapist would be:

    A) What's wrong with having a fetish, as long as I'm not hurting anyone?

    B) Do you think that any sexual turn on is a fetish?

    C) Do you think that the fact that I get turned on by dressing means that there is no underlying gender identity issue that you can't solve with a 12-step program?

    D) Do you think that there is no important spiritual value that I might be trying to gain from sometimes experiencing sex (or life in general) as a woman?

    E) How would you like to take a long walk on a short pier?

    The problem you are going to have now, though, is that your wife has an authority on her side who says that you can be cured. If you can't convince her that he is wrong and you don't go along with the program, then she will always believe that you rejected the cure that was offered to you. You're now between a rock and a hard place, and I don't envy you one bit. Unless you want to go along with this guy, you are going to have to tell them both very firmly that you are happy as you are and you do not wish to be cured--that you will do anything else to improve you marriage except that. Good luck!

  15. #40
    Member danielletorresani's Avatar
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    I have to say that crossdressing is not the same for everyone. For many on this board, it is a gender identity issue, an outward expression of your inner desire to feel or be female. For me, however, it's purely sexual. Dressing up to me was synonomous with pleasuring myself. I had a HUGE case of pink fog over my brain for about a year and a half, but I was doing it so much that I came to a point that it just seemed like too much work, and so I purged and haven't had the desire to dress up again for almost a year now. I have been on and off with this my whole life, so I realize that this may not be a permanent thing for me, but I can say that it's never felt as permanent in my head as it does now. I feel like I experienced just about everything I could while dressed up, or at least everything I wanted to and now for me the thrill is gone. Sometimes I feel like I have an urge to do it...truthfully I came very close to doing it again a few weeks ago, but then I realized it was like I was just going through the motions....crossdressing, at least at this point, is a phantom limb for me. Whenever I do think about doing it, it's like I'm wanting to scratch an imaginary itch.

    All that being said, I have to disagree with some on here saying it's incurable. For those that crossdress out of a gender identity issue, you're probably right, but it's not a gender identity issue for some. I started crossdressing when I was young because I was absolutely crazy for women in lingerie, and over time I was just as turned on my lingerie as I was by the women wearing them. I have a lingerie and stockings fetish and that's why I crossdressed, NOT because I feel like I was meant to be born a woman or anything like that.

    For those of us that crossdress purely out of fetish....Yes. It can be cured.

    Oh, and one more thing, many say that this isn't something that should NEED to be cured. To that I must also disagree. Anything....ANYTHING can be harmful if one is obsessed by or addicted to it. It was harmful to me at one point because it was all I thought about...to the point that my work performance was suffering as well as my marriage. An addiction is almost always unhealthy, no matter how harmless the subject of that addiction may be in and of itself.
    Last edited by ReineD; 02-05-2011 at 03:26 PM. Reason: Merging consecutive posts. Please use the EDIT button for added thoughts, if no one has posted after your last post.

  16. #41
    Member Olivia2's Avatar
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    I agree with Donni and to some degree with Danielle. As long as it can be worked out between you and your wife and your marriage can be mutually fulfilling and nurturing, then what does it matter.

    If the "fetish", if that is what it is, is so consuming that it prevents you from making the relationship a priority, than maybe it should be looked at. In any case, if you decide it is a fetish, it probably can be controlled and abstained from, but for the therapist to say it is curable seems a bit presumptuous and uninformed IMO. I would be curious to know how much experience the therapist has with sexual issues in addition to TG issues, which are two separate matters entirely.

  17. #42
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    Cured?

    Modern medical science is allegedly looking -- still! -- for a cure for the easiest problems in the world, like cancer, diabetes, and such. Homeopaths, of course, have been curing these illnesses for a hundred years, but modern medicine still holds wonderfully profitable fundraisers.

    That word really makes me itch.

    "Cured" of liking soft fabrics. Wow. What does this douchebag propose? Electroshock therapy? Lobotomy?

    Fire this waste of oxygen, yesterday.

  18. #43
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    If the therapist talks about coming to an understanding, coping with conflicting desires, dealing with each others sexual needs, managing your needs to express feminine qualities then that's fine.

    If he says he can cure you then he's a fraud. If he can change people's core traits that easily he would have solved decades of psychological science and would be world famous scientist.

    Of course saying he can cure you will go down well with your wife and his bank manager but it will ultimately give both of you a false hope. Both of you need to deal with the reality that this is a core part of you. You can give it up for years but its still a intimate part of your identity. I'd love the therapist to come and talk to us here.
    -=CherryZips=-

  19. #44
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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  20. #45
    Aspiring Member Jenny Gurl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sophie86 View Post

    The problem you are going to have now, though, is that your wife has an authority on her side who says that you can be cured. If you can't convince her that he is wrong and you don't go along with the program, then she will always believe that you rejected the cure that was offered to you. You're now between a rock and a hard place, and I don't envy you one bit. Unless you want to go along with this guy, you are going to have to tell them both very firmly that you are happy as you are and you do not wish to be cured--that you will do anything else to improve you marriage except that. Good luck!


    Very well said. The problem now is that your wife does not understand crossdressing at all, and some quack has told her that you are choosing this and he can cure it for a price. The real trick at this point will be getting away from this therapist and onto one who is qualified without your wife thinking you are "doctor shopping" for a therapist that will take your side. My recommendation is that since this "therapist" has called it a fetish, then you should find a qualified therapist who specializes in gender issues to help you overcome this fetish. After all, when your general physician diagnoses you with a heart problem he doesn't perform the surgery, there are specialists in that specific area that does that. You mechanic tells you your transmission is bad you take it to someone who specializes in transmissions. Of course we all know the truth is it is not curable, but your appearance to find a specialist to help you may get your wife on board with changing therapists. Normally I am not a person who would suggest lieing to a SO, but in this case you are actually trying to show her the truth.
    Once you have a good therapist who can help you determine what your real needs are, your wife can then understand that it is what it is, and make an informed decision at that time if she wants to try and work it out. Until she understands it is simply something your were born with and will die with, she will believe you are choosing it over her, and this is not true. That alone may change the way she feels about you, and her willingness to work through this. Just make sure you preshop for a good therapist with gender issue experience. I mentioned earlier about checking if there is a local Tri-Ess group you can find. They may be able to recommend a good therapist some members have used who will help you. If you get a second quack, it may be impossible to fix this. Here is a link to Tri-ess, under the chapters tab you can look for a local group. Even if you can't find a Tri-ess support goup close to you, you can call them and they may be able to network a little and recommend a good therapist in your area. I wish you all the best. http://www.tri-ess.org/
    Last edited by Jenny Gurl; 02-05-2011 at 07:17 AM.

  21. #46
    mini kilted chick t-girlxsophie's Avatar
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    I think you are seeing the wrong professional,I would imagine that crossdressing issues wouldnt be in the top twenty relationship problems a marriage councillor would come across,I think you should see someone with more knowledge of TG issues,It concerns me enough that this councillor believes alcoholism can be "cured" never mind crossdressing,My Uncle drank himself almost into oblivion he stopped drinking 20yrs ago but as he has told us he is not cured,he is a recovering alcoholic one drink away from falling back off the wagon.So if that is an example of this therapists "professional" opinion then I have to agree with other posters that you and your wife should go elsewhere
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  22. #47
    Not sure where I am yet Jay Cee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsJanessa View Post
    Can it be "cured"---Meaning can you stop yourself from doing it? I suppose you can but you will be miserable---and unlike drug and alchohol addiction, which have negative consequences on your health and ability to function as a responsible adult--why would you want to be "cured" of wearing satin and silk?...
    Pretty much what I was going to say. CD'ing can be harmful, but not anywhere near the level of drugs and alcohol.

    I think it is more a perception thing. A wife finds out her husband is different than she originally thought. Her views on CD'ing are probably not favourable (thanks to society, family, and/or religion). She wants to maintain the status quo, and wants her hubby "cured".

    Crossdressing is NOT an illness.

    Time to find a therapist who knows what the hell he or she is talking about.

  23. #48
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    O.K. Short and sweet and repeated on this forum a million times:
    Crossdressing and cured will never be used in the same sentence .... ever.No philosphies,no deep thinking, no rockest science.
    NEVER!

  24. #49
    One Perky Goth Gurl Pythos's Avatar
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    Is it a fetish? Does it matter? Can it be cured? Does it need to be?

    Here is another area that I get perturbed by. First off, I am not a fan of the word fetish. Our culture has perverted it in such a manner it has become a "bad" thing. In ancient times "fetishes" were a part of the culture and were not hidden away like they are in this one.

    As with most things for me the question should be "does this fetish physically harm myself, or anyone I know?" That is the question that needs more concern. Not whether if it is merely a fetish.
    "I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
    Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.

  25. #50
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Bad news. The therapist just bought a new BMW. Now, to be cured you must complete the 18-step program.

    Seriously, Samantha, can't you determine what it is that drives your crossdressing? Shouldn't you know if you have a fetish? I do, and I've known it, even before I knew what a fetish was. I've always known that I was a male who just liked to occasionally dress up, and certain things were the focus of those dressup sessions.

    Do gender identity expert therapists cure their clients of their gender dysphoria? Or do they help them accept, and get through issues that negatively affect normal life? Why would a gender identity expert think that gender identity crossdressing is not an affliction that can/should/must be cured, but fetish based crossdressing is? I'm skeptical. The therapist either: knows more than actual crossdressers, doesn't know beans, or has an agenda (her side-all your fault-get cured-I can help-going to take $everal $tep$).

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