Mom finding out today is the worst thing that could've happened to me...

[SweetTransvestite]

21, and back home after taking a break from school...figures I couldn't hide all the cross-dressing stuff from Tampa for much too longer no? The wigs, the reason I keep getting my face shaved completely clean instead of keeping the beard, what that package from Ebay REALLY was?

Well, on my trip back to Tampa (where my plan to secretly buy some clothing for my other side completely bombed) a quip about Payless shoes made me "come out" a lot earlier than I wanted to.

My mom (whom actually is my grandma..but she raised me) hit me with the, "I already knew..." answer, and was anything but happy. What followed was the most awkward, angry conversation I've ever had with her in my life (this family doesn't talk much nor has ever been known for it..ever since 2011 is when we've been FINALLY having one on one conversation)

She went on to state her HATE for crossdressers, men who want to be women, and of course..the root of all evil (to her):homosexuality.

This is what the stem of it was, she HATES any man who'd dare be with another and thinks CD, TV, TG, etc. are all in the same. A very uncomfortable argument ensued in which I asked her what the root of her hate was, to which she mentioned the bible was "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Adam."

She hates gays to death and now thinks I'm one in the same (no matter how many times I've told her I'm straight, even though I still hid my attraction to SOME men I've had..but I still lean towards women anyway)..to her that's what all crossdressers are: people, and excuse my graphic quotes, "Who want to get a man's to make love to them."

She says I need to stop it all, I need to focus on, "Being a man, getting married, meeting a woman, having kids, and being rich." She told it's a phase and that my birth mother went through a period of liking women when she was younger (again I can't stress enough that she hates my CD because she thinks it makes me gay).

Pretty tough, all in all I'm happy with myself, and happy with my dressing, and know this place understands more than ever that this is a community of all affiliation, and I'm not the only straight guy who loves doing this.

But on the family side of things I'm the odd one out, whom has a whole family ready to beat the shit out of me and come at me like fire for even thinking of wearing my favorite heels.

It ended on the harsh note of her, "not wanting to hear anymore.." she then warned/dared me to let her husband find out because he'd "Straighten you out."

So there you have it, seems that night she picked me up in drag for New Years was a feint (I was able to hide that excuse behind being a costume). I feel incredibly awkward, hurt, regretful, and disappointed (all I wanted today was a black shoulder-less mini-dress)

This by means will stop my CDing..I'll still have my wig on tonight-it's just I had no idea it coming to surface would cause such a turmoil that has the potential of the whole family considering me an "outcast" (which, to be perfectly honest, doesn't seem half bad as I'm wondering at what age will I FINALLY be able to worry only about what makes me happy.) That and this was NOT the day I wanted to tell anyone close to me about it or the way I wanted it to happen. (At least I still have two friends who are comfortable with it)

Thoughts? Help? Assistance anyone?

[AllieSF]

Very good and honest description. Only advice is to respect their rules for the house, keep your personal life away from them, continue to enjoy who you are and be that dedicated person who gets back on their own two feet and does not have to depend on others. Remove the close day to day contact and live your life as you please trying not to upset your family. Good luck and thanks for sharing.

[linnea]

I'm sad for your distress and appalled but not surprised at your "mom's" reaction. A person very close to me, upon learning about my gender dysphoria and crossdressing promptly got up, went into the bathroom, and threw up. Then she proceeded to talk to me with comments that included her assumption that I am gay and that I am sick and that I need to get "the Cure," whatever that is. Well, I didn't want to lose this close person, but I could not imagine being unable to express my true self. So that struggle goes on, and I stay away from her as best I can. But it is very painful, a seeming lose/lose situation. I'm really sorry for you and hope that you come to an understanding with your family (a very bumpy road, I'm afraid). As Jennifer Boylan told me after I wrote to her about her book, "Be strong."
Not easy advice to follow.
Best wishes.

[Jill Devine]

Wish I had some wise words of advice but I don't. All I can say is that I feel your hurt and pain. Hopefully with time you will meet the right person and build a "new" family built on love and respect.

Take it slow, but start the process of finding your own place so you can build your own life.

[Eryn]

Sounds like it's time to end the break from school. From the sound of your post it seems unlikely that your "Mom" will ever change her attitude of "CD=gay" and it would be counterproductive to try. Parents aren't always happy with their children's choices, but you're of age and entitled to live the life you desire.

[Babette]

I agree with the others about respecting the house rules. For now, I strongly encourage you to stick with school and finish. Then seek employment that affords you an independent lifestyle. If your mom/grandma will not accept you, then don't flaunt your situation with her or other non-accepting family members. This will only damage your relationship with them and may ultimately cause everyone hurt feelings that may never heal. To borrow from an old adage, a wise person is one that chooses their battles carefully.

Be patient.

Babette

[giuseppina]

Hello SweetTransvestite

There is no excuse for this nonsense.

Your family is not a positive influence. It's time to leave home, if you don't break contact. If they beat you up, call the police with the intent of laying charges. If charges are laid, you can ask the judge for a no-contact restraining order against your family and order any firearms seized. If you can convince the police that a hate crime has taken place, that is likely to work in your favour. If you can get your hands on an MP3 recorder for collecting verbal evidence and a computer to store the recordings on, that will document their behavior (and yours). Just be careful to put it somewhere on your body that it isn't visible.

Is your birth mother alive? Was she run out of the family?

If you have friends nearby, perhaps they could provide refuge when things get really rough. They don't need to know anything other than your folks are abusive. There is nothing illegal about crossdressing except in certain Islamic countries.

It sounds to me the break from school was not a good idea. If there is still a space for you and you're mentally up for it, go back to school, even if your academic performance suffers a bit. Most colleges and universities have counsellors to help deal with students' issues.

Good luck and get going.

[Kaz]

I really think you need to be focussed. What do you want and how are you going to achieve it?

The time will come to leave home... most of us on this site have done this... it is a painful experience sometimes but a liberating one. But DO NOT sacrifice your education and future options. You are young. It will all come right eventually.

My advise... don't push these boundaries, just get yourself geared up and ready for when you do break free.. plan ahead! Get your education under your belt... then you have left and are either in further education or work, you can put the plan into operation!

Use the situation you are in to your advantage.. think longer term!

[Karen Francis]

Did I read you are 21 years old? When are you going to live your own life and not live it according to the specifications of others. And this doesn't only mean in the TG world. She has mapped out your whole life according to what she thinks should happen. Suppose you don't want to be a father like she wants, suppose you don't want to concentrate on becoming rich?
Get out of there. If you have sufficient motivation you will achieve YOUR goals Not anyone elses.

[Angelofsomekind]

I found this on facebook a while ago, I love it. Anyone who wants to bring up the bible (you said she talked about Adam and Eve) to talk against homosexuality or crossdressing I would bring up these issues (My wife and I looked this stuff up in the bible, and along with these there are plenty of other things, so unless they follow all of this they have no right to talk against homosexuality or crossdressing) I will also add this as a separate thread at some point.:

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:


Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan, James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian )

[luludoll]

Kaz is absolutely right! You're in college & 21 plenty of time to map out your future.

If what your "Mom" said broke your resolve, its time you had a chat with yourself if 10yrs down road would cd-ing really make you happy & live life with no regrets wearing that lbd. Completing college, getting a good job & starting your own life, you're pretty much free to live "your life" the way "you want". Sacrifice a lil to get ahead.

xoxo
lulu~

[TerryTerri]

In my experience, "To Thine Own Self Be True" is not an option. In my first marriage, I tried,as best that I could to be the person my wife wanted me to be. But, the harder I tried, the more miserable I failed. End result, the marriage collapsed and in the aftermath I learned I could not be something I'm not to please another. Even if I wanted to. If I had been able to, I would have. So, being true to myself is not an option to me.
I've got no advice for you. I feel for your difficulty and it is not one I have had, so I have no experience to relate. I just hope you are able to survive through it and find the place you need to be.

Good Luck and many on this site will be here for you to accept and support you, regardless of those in your family who may not.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Life is just beginning for you, I understand how you feel, you sound as if your biggest concern is that you lost the love of your family. I don't imagine that that is the case. If you do your best in life to become the best person you can be. A caring, educated, productive member of society. You are young enough that they will eventually see past the crossdressing, yes it may take years, but you will survive and thrive.

You are 21, so you are esentially on your own, 1 or 2 years left in school and yiu will have your own place, have a job and the start of a life in a society, that is more tolerent the that of the society your mom grew up in. Forgive her and live your life not hers. if she has a problem with that, remember your family here on this site. you are not alone and your family is a lot larger then just a biological or adoptive.


Kelly

[KellyCD]

...has a whole family ready to beat the shit out of me and come at me like fire for even thinking of wearing my favorite heels....

....Being a man, getting married, meeting a woman, having kids, and being rich......

....warned/dared me to let her husband find out because he'd "Straighten you out."

What a wonderful christian. Seems perfectly fine you know to resort to violence to ones own family because they are different. Oh and I LOVED the "warned/dared me to let her husband find out because he'd "Straighten you out." threat, which I can only assume would involve more violence and possibly sexual assault. What a nice, loving christian.

Screw that. I'm totally being sarcastic.

I'm so sorry for you hun, it's unfortunate that you have to deal with this. My family wasn't the nicest of people and I stopped talking to my mother close to 10 years ago and I swear to god I hope she died in a horribly painful way. She was the most wretched, vile, cold hearted person I've ever known. The red cross tried calling me in 2005 saying she was homeless, to which I told them "Do not, ever for any conceivable reason you could possibly fathom contact me again for ANYTHING involving her" and I hung up. So I do know what it's like to have family that isn't really "accepting".

I'm flying into Tampa tomorrow. PM me if you wanna get some coffee sometime and talk/vent if you need to.

[Pythos]

A) Get the hell out of that house, and dump your "family" they are evil.

B) get a place of your own, and learn about yourself.

C) Realize this is not your doing, but the doing of an entire generation of people that were hateful and fearful. YOur grandmother is a grand example of someone that needs to die out, same with her husband if he is indeed one of those "I'll straighten you out" kind of A-holes.

YOu are doing nothing wrong. You do not pass utter hatred amongst others, and your life is just starting. Get out of there and pronto. Just get some stuff and leave. Every moment you spend there is one more moment of uneeded misery.

If your grandma actually wanted to be open and learn, then I would not say this, but she seems dumber than a box of rocks.

[Nick2Nikki]

In your place, I would have just said, "Well mother, you keep on insisting I'm gay. Maybe I am. Deal with it."

Your mother sounds like a horrible person. I'm sure she can be nice when she isn't talking about how evil homosexuals and transgenders are, but then again I hear that Hermann Göring had a good sense of humor, but you won't hear many people referring to him in a positive manner. My only advice is to get of there as soon as possible. Continue communicating with your family, giving them a chance to accept you for who you are, but never compromise and pretend that you are someone that you are not. If after time it becomes apparent that they will not accept you as you, then they don't deserve the privilege of talking to you or having you in their lives. At that point, the fault is theirs, the blame is theirs, and the loss is theirs.

As Dumbledore said in the Harry Potter books (and I can't believe I'm referencing them), "the best measure of a person's goodness is not how they treat their equals, but how they treat their inferiors." And people like you mother feel that people that don't fit into their middle-class white-washed gospel-thumping view of the world are, by default, inferior. And look how they treat them.

[Laura_Stephens]

What you heard is NOT the worst thing you could ever hear. I am not trying to be insensitive. There are worse things.

When I was young, I used to get the holy snot beat out of me for wearing my mom's things -- this included broken bones. I was told all the usual stuff. I was the worst person in the world. I would burn in Hell. No one could ever love me. It was my fault that my mother drank herself into a stupor every night. It was my fault that my father beat everyone in the family. and so on and so on.

The worst thing I have ever heard and had to deal with was when my doctor sat me down and told me that I had cancer several years ago.

My point is that even though what you are dealing with is very difficult, life can be much worse. After surgery for Prostate Cancer, I had to wear incontinence garments for about 6 months. I felt like the lowest form of life on the planet even though it was not my "fault".


Tell your "mom" everything you have learned about being transgendered. Show her this site. Show her you are more "normal" than she could ever imagine. Precisely, what do you have to lose?

[SamanthaS]

I wish you well. Good luck.

[juno]

When you become an adult, it sometimes includes telling family that you are who you are, and that it is up to them to accept you or not. They can disown you if they want to, but it won't change who you are. Once they realize that they can't coerce you into being something you are not, they can take time to accept you. Or, they may never accept you. Either way, having it in the open means you can deal with it and not have this huge burden of secrecy.

As for CD being different than gay, I think it is valuable for people to understand the difference, but I don't think it is worth arguing that you are OK because you are not gay. If someone cannot accept homosexuals for being themselves, they are just too closed minded. In fact, many people find it easier to accept homosexuality than crossdressing.

[Chickhe]

Here's what I would do... keep your CDing activities to yourself and focus on becoming financially self supporting and then move out. And just because she doesn't want to talk about it doesn't mean she can't listen....so find all the actors etc that you know she likes and find out if they have ever dressed in drag for a part or are gay or know anyone who is and ask her if that makes them bad, why does she still like them?

[zoe m]

Good luck!

[joanna marie]

My advice is this:
Don't try to explain CDing to your Mother,I don't think you will change her opinion and will just aggrevate the situation.

Don't push the issue.If you come out any more openly it will upset her more and could be dangerous to you if you have to return home while still in school.

Finish school,get a job,and move out.
As soon as you become independent, you can live the way you want.
Then if you want, you can try to explain it to them.
As long as you take assistance from your family in any form they will feel they have a right to control you.

This is becoming a much more accepting society have.I two sons (25&29) and I can't believe how opened minded they and their friends are compared to the dark ages I grew up in. Make some good friends that accept you for who you are and enjoy your life.

a quip about Payless shoes made me "come out" a lot earlier than I wanted to.

I'm curious, what do you say?

[SweetTransvestite]

AMAZING advice, from each and every single reply I've gotten, can't thank everyone enough. :-)

This is actually my first time being back home with mom since I was 18 so it's definitely been hard readjusting. I lived in off-campus student housing after highschool. Moving into independently supported housing is indeed the name of the game-it just feels like I'm not making much progress in doing so (the job I had at Radioshack back in Tampa only gave me so much). But I'll keep my head up, these dark times have ended up sunny before. My break from school...is a complex tale in it's own right..another post perhaps if it helps to explain? I don't know, it's non-CD related.

Hehe..the Payless Shoes thing, we drove past one of them and as an oft-out loud thinking comment I said, "Probably some nice shoes in there." which seemed to remind her of the night she picked me up in heels from a Masquerade Party and she snapped, "You want more?!" Immediately after she said, "Tell me why you crossdress..that's one thing I don't like.." I had no response and the rest is what inspired this topic. :-( I was quite literally still fuming with regret and pain as I made this topic-I literally came from the car to the laptop.

It killed me because I tried my best to keep it secret. I only dress here (like I am right now actually ) behind locked doors AND when both her and her husband have left for work or are dead asleep. I hide everything back in my boxes when I'm ready for bed, and head to the bathroom to wash the lipstick off. I never specifically told her yesterday, but when she said, "I already knew." it felt like all my defenses were down.

Actually, I can't believe I forgot to mention it:
This past New Year's Eve I attended a RHPS Masquerade Party at a theater called the "Tampa Pitcher Show" dressed in this costume:
http://www.rockymusic.org/showimage/...f6873bc041.php


When my "friend" had completely failed in the giving me a ride back home department, I found myself stranded outside of the theater after the show. It was well past 1 AM too (thank the maker it was empty and quiet out and I was in a nicer part of town). My mom picked me up and had a laugh riot at the costume-which delightfully relieved my nervous antici.....pation, she especially loved the fishnets and heels, and took pictures, I've attached a picture SHE took that night. Just then she loved it as a " Rocky Horror costume." Overall I was given the misconception that she was comfortable with it all, and I showed her one of my alternate wigs on my first night back here. She loved that too and wanted to wear it for herself. Yesterday is what snapped it all in half.

That's why I was just so surprised she was ready to completely destroy me just with the catching onto my crossdressing (as in, finding out it goes beyond that costume) A complete contrast to the lady who drove from Spring Hill to Tampa to make sure I made it back to my apartment that night when friends failed me.

In the meantime, it's all just been awkward, awkward, awkward. She's acting like nothing was ever discussed related to CDing and back to her "nice self". A little annoying because it's as if she's ignoring the pain it caused, even though I'm still uncomfortable. It's left me in a weird place and with a bad feeling. I tried my best to sum things up, it's like bringing the CDing unleashed a nasty side of her that I was disgusted and shocked to see. I don't know, I just don't. :-(

But I do indeed want to live life the way I want.

Thanks everyone! My birth mom is still around even though we've yet to talk at length, I do wonder what she would think..but with reactions like my grandma's..phew..I'm in no rush (even though they're far from alike, as she's strongly conflicted with her in the past). I can imagine she wouldn't quite freak out though.

Talk to everyone later, we'll see how life progresses.

[Scarlett90]

this is incredibly harsh. Hope for the best and that everything turns out okay, which it will. As for your mother I don't know necessarily if things will get better or if she'll ever open her eyes to all of this.

[DonniDarkness]

She may have just reacted badly and now realizes that she had been too harsh. No matte her reaction she no-doubt still loves you, even if what you wear pisses her off! Thats just the nature of parental learning....Moms and dads dont come equipped with TG or CD guidance....its learned, Just be glad she makes positive steps in a direction of understanding you. Like she said "she already knew"...the night she blew up was most likely her way of getting it all out at once....i guarantee you she as a parent has restrained herself from confronting you long before the "blow-up", that could be perceived as a good thing tho....it means she has the respect for who you are and what you do...again...even if it pisses her off...

Love and respect her back, and most importantly keep up the communication

-Donni-