I never thought it would go away.

[DaphneGrey]

I often read on the forums "Like most of us I thought it would go away after I was married" I have been thinking about my own experiences and will admit I was not onehundred percent honest wit my SO, for which I am deeply and truly sorry. But I never thought it woul go away.

It diddn't go away when I was a child. It diddn't go away when I reached puberty. It diddn't go away after my first kiss or when I lost my virginity. Not after I fell in love or became engaged. So I was pritty sure it was still going to be there on the plane to mexico for my honeymoon.

I began to think of the first time my SO saww me in anything femm. it was on our honeymoon as a matter of fact. She thought it would be cute if I wore her panties. So I did and rember feeling embarresed and vulnerable. In my mind at the time I was feeling that my image as a strong male figure was damaged in her eyes. It wasn't and now I understand that that was foolish.

My point is this. I wasn't honest because I was conflicted I diddn't at the time want her to see me as a woman because I diddn't want to damage my image as a man.

I really don't believe any of us think that this willl go away after we get married. It sounds like a cop out. If what I read about folks posting that this has been a part of me since I was 5,6 or 7 then I don't buy those same people could believe that it would go away.

I am not posting this to be mean or to call anybody out. And if it doesn't apply please don't respond to it.

I just think honesty is the best policy. I also think women are pretty intuitive and can see through it. I think we need to be honest with ourselves and our SOs. I can say from experience that mine appreciated the honesty and when we had the talk I told her how I felt that time on our honeymooon. She understood and was able to understand why I wasn't truthful and that helped us both in figuring out this whole thing and how we should deal with it.

Recently I asked her what she would have thought if I had used the I thought it was going to go away line. SHe respond by saying "I wouldn't have believed you, and would have been hurt more because I would not have been able to trust you were telling the truth"

It is just my two cents But I dont buy it, and I don't think most SOs buy it either.

My advice is to look deep in your heart and figure out exactly why you diddn't tell her or him and just be as honest as you can.

[Kaz]

I know I should not respond as you have said that you don't want people who disagree with you to respond. But that is just seeking positive reinforcement of a view. You may live in the real world, but you should try and understand what the real world is like. It is not black and white; it is complex.

I accept that your criticism of many people here is that they "knew" and should have been open about it, but "knowing" is not a black and white thing. Have your views on something personal to you never been changed? If not... enter my world... but then maybe my world is not the real world?

[Areyan]

i dun like to come over to this section a lot and post because i usually find myself mind-boggled over what gets discussed here and quite often i get a little mad. i think it takes some guts to come right out and say how it was for you like that. honesty really does help sometimes and can go a long way into healing a rift or at least making something work again. i think it is sad for whatever reason a MTF CD decides it's safer/better not to disclose to someone they love but i believe you in some ways. for some, the knowledge that nothing else ever did take the urge to dress away can't be ignored and it must be hard to keep up that pretense with a person they have pledged their lives to. natal guys are fairly smart - note i did NOT say smarter than anyone else - but they are smart enough to know they're telling porkies when they're really trying to save their own hides or just plain don't understand what drives them to CD at all.

for me as a FTM, it's hard to explain how it feels but i have not had a cross-dressing urge all my life like most CDs... i've just been in flat-out denial and even thought TG/TS folk were just in need of growing up and getting with "the real world" like, our bodies you know? ugh.... yeah my denial was that bad because i did not want to face the fact that i wasn't getting with "the real world" as i thought i should. i honestly did not know about my own transness for so long due to denial that it really was not a conscious effort on my part to hide it from anyone unlike the MTF CD. i too can get a bit eh what? about MTFs who do not disclose, knowing they really are like this and even some of them knowing what they're doing is perceived as strange or at worst, perverted.

while this is sometimes deliberately intentional, i also believe it can be completely unintentional in the case of a TS person who has not yet reached the height of their dysphoria and is unaware that there will come a time when putting the clothes away is not an option any longer. i have more experience on the TS side of the fence in my interpersonal relationships, but i realize a lot of TS people can come from an earlier CD background so i have to agree that i dun really understand CDs trying to make themselves and others believe that any of this would "go away" like some bad bug. if you're transgendered and you're dressing up, um... yeah you kinda know and being trans in this way (whether TG or TS in particular or both) doesn't mean that you're cis or that you can pretend to be one, because cis folks dun do this. that's why they are cis and the TG are trans.

[Joanne f]

I am not sure that there is always a conscious thought on that it will go away because a lot of the time the CDing starts in a small way and you do not attach any long term plans on doing it as at the time it just feels like it is something you like to do and is quite harmless to anyone else, i think there are very few who actually realise that it may escalate and get hold of you in the way that it seams to .
It is or becomes second nature to some a normal way of things and it is not until you realise how that what you are wearing may effect someone else do you start to think about it ever going away but by then it is to late , you do not want to stop because you cannot or will not find a reason why you really should stop after all you tell your self " what is wrong with it , why can`t i enjoy wearing the things i like " and then for some the eternal battle begins between you, your conscience and how you think it is effecting others .
I don`t think many will make that conscious decision that they will stop at a certain time as they assume it will just fade away , it is only in hindsight that some now know different to that .

[DaphneGrey]

I know I should not respond as you have said that you don't want people who disagree with you to respond. But that is just seeking positive reinforcement of a view. You may live in the real world, but you should try and understand what the real world is like. It is not black and white; it is complex.

I accept that your criticism of many people here is that they "knew" and should have been open about it, but "knowing" is not a black and white thing. Have your views on something personal to you never been changed? If not... enter my world... but then maybe my world is not the real world?

I am not seeking positive reinforcement at all. When I wrote if it doesn't apply I was not refering to people who might disagree. I was refering to those who might not have used those words or felt those feelings or had reason too. As I said I wasn't honest either in the beginning and used my personal beliefs and the outcome of my disclosure to my SO as an example. To hopefully offer some insight to people who may have not come out yet. I understand the fear of disclosing. My point is be honest with yourself and others about why they didn't in the first place. In my case I was afraid to destroy my male image in the eyes of my wife. Not because I thought it would go away. I cant be any more real or honest than that.

Don't put words in my mouth! This thread is about trying to help people disclose as I did after marriage. Not to critisices people who haven't. I think that is pretty clear in the OP. Frankly I dont know how anyone could read it and assume anything else. Or did you read my quote decide I was just being a snob and respond to what you wanted to believe about me without reading the OP.

I do live in the real world by the way. Every day with all of its wonderful pleasures and terrible pitfals for people like us. I am rather proud of that. Sorry if "I live in the real world!" is something you find offensive. I like posting questions and statements that are inspired by my life "in the real world" interacting with real people and real conversations etc..... Every day I face the world openly TG at work family social life I hide from no one. I am not saying that to be braggadocious. I have fought bigots at work, lost friendships, family members, and managed to keep my family together. As many others on this forum have. I think I have earned the right to make that statement. And maybe even be able to offer some insight to others who might benefit from some of the things I have learned "IN THE REAL WORLD" So do me a favor and don't talk to me like I am some sort of petulant child! Or lecture me on black and white or shades of gray.

[Tanya C]

It seems that when many crossdressers get married they put their cding on the back burner while courting takes precedence. Some will go into denial mode where they actully believe they will no longer need to dress and thereby justify not telling their SO about their cding because it'll just eventually go away.
Honesty is the best policy but it isn't always the most well received policy, and there is always the temptation to suppress the fem side in order to attract a woman.
But in doing so you present a false or incomplete image of yourself.

[Gerrijerry]

I would think that the largest number by far would not tell their SO before because of many reasons. Too many to state, you already know a lot of them. The ones that do tell all of course end up being happier because there is no guilt. Either way I believe that because only now are other people starting to accept others that are CD ts Gay lesbian etc. The older you are the more fear most have because they lived in a world that rejected strongly to people like us. It is only lately in the last few years that comming out is getting to be accepted. So just saying that telling before is best or even telling at all is better really depends on what the world around you is like right now.

[Kate Simmons]

While it never really "goes away" as you say Daph, it is possible to take ownership of yourself and your feelings and make it a choice rather than having it be a compulsion.

[Melissa Jill]

When I was a teenager, I honestly thought I was into crossdressing because I didn't have a girlfriend. I assumed that when I got a girlfriend it would go away. Obviously I know different now from reading up on the internet and such. But for the older people here who didn't grow up with the internet, I can easily see why they assumed it would go away when they got married.

[Gillian Gigs]

My Mum used to say, "can a leopard change its spots"? This CDing seems to be a life long thing. No one can really change unless they really want to. The problem is, that most people don't change what they enjoy doing. I agree with the being honest part. I heard a movie quote once that said,"tell the truth, even if it brings you harm". In my case being honest brought benefits, so I guess I can afford to say that quote. The best thing that anyone can do is come to terms with who they are, and accept it. Self acceptance is the start to a better life. I wonder if women that have a hard time accepting this behavior don't have issues of there own that are unresolved.

[sissystephanie]

People can change if THEY want to. A CD'er can quit only if he/she really wants to! As Denise said, you have to take ownership of yourself and your feelings! I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her. She accepted me "as is" and we had almost 50 happy years together! At an early time in our marriage I did completely stop crossdressing because I thought it would be better for our family, which was at that time 4! After 5 years of no Stephanie, my dear wife totally astonished me by asking for Stephanie to be in our lives again! She apparently missed Stephanie very much, even more than I did. So I did start dressing again, and still do so. I have no desire to be a woman, only wish to dress like one! As others have said, honesty is always the best policy. That is why not telling your SO, or wife, that you are a CD is really living a lie!!

[docrobbysherry]

I agree with Kaz and Stephanie.

People can change if THEY want to. A CD'er can quit only if he/she really wants to! As Denise said, you have to take ownership of yourself and your feelings! I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her. She accepted me "as is" and we had almost 50 happy years together! At an early time in our marriage I did completely stop crossdressing because I thought it would be better for our family, which was at that time 4! After 5 years of no Stephanie, my dear wife totally astonished me by asking for Stephanie to be in our lives again! She apparently missed Stephanie very much, even more than I did. So I did start dressing again, and still do so. I have no desire to be a woman, only wish to dress like one! As others have said, honesty is always the best policy. That is why not telling your SO, or wife, that you are a CD is really living a lie!!

Of course, if u feel like a female inside, if u wish to dress everyday, if your compulsion to dress is overwhelming, u MUST tell your SO.
But, if u simply experiment trying on panties, nylons and an old bra with socks stuffed in it once and awhile, as I did when married, maybe u shouldn't!

Neither partner needs to tell the other EVERYTHING! I didn't. My ex didn't. And, we had 10 wonderful years because we didn't!

As far as worrying u weren't man enuff for her. Do u think she worries she's not woman enuff for u? That seems like over-thinking your relationship to me! If you're happy together, why think of things like THAT?

[NicoleScott]

I really don't believe any of us think that this willl go away after we get married. It sounds like a cop out. If what I read about folks posting that this has been a part of me since I was 5,6 or 7 then I don't buy those same people could believe that it would go away.

Daphne,
You are, of course, free to believe what you want and state your beliefs. By doing so, however, you open yourself to challenges. Your second post (#5) reveals that you don't handle opposing views very well. Grow a thicker skin.
Your belief that none of us thought that crossdressing desires would go away upon marriage is apparently based on your own experience. There have been many testimonies from crossdressers (including me) who believed that crossdressing desires would go away after marriage. Sure, we were wrong, but not dishonest with ourselves. You admitted your dishonesty, then admonished others (about whom you know nothing) about their presumed dishonesty.
There's been some talk here of having more civility in our posts. That's fine. But we still get to call it like it is: to think others were dishonest because you were, is ignorant. I'm not calling you stupid, just ignorant of the facts.

...trying to be civil, but sometimes it's hard...

[GingerLeigh]

I barely know what I want, do, did, will do... How can anyone else know? We are as varied as anyone else in the "normal" world. Where we were, where we are, and where it will take us is anyone's guess.

I never thought my crossdressing desires would simply "go away", because in my entire life they never have. However, I thought that I could better suppress my desires. I found someone special that I love so dearly. What I did not anticipate was the overwhelming urge to crossdress, and my inability to suppress it. The more I tried to reign it in, the stronger the compulsion was. Getting married gave me a good reason to quit. I figured this would be enough to make me stop, and I was dead wrong. I was able to go for years without doing it, now it seems every week I need to do SOMETHING and it makes me crazy.

Ginger

Ginger

[Stephanie Anne]

So you removed any doubt from this and stopped any future pitfalls of being transgendered. Good for you. Honesty is in fact the best policy. Too many people don't want to come out for fear it will ruin the secretive nature of what excites them.

You are taking the right start with your relationship. Don't worry about being honest in a post, it really is the best policy here. Many people like to project their insecurities if they hint at the slightest aspect of intervention (I'm guilty of that myself).

[minalost]

Daphne - I love your posts: they are so thought provoking. That being said, I have to disagree with you on this one. While I am sure that some people go into relationships "knowing" that they will always be a crossdresser and lie about it; I am just as sure that others truly believe that that part of thier lives is over. Then months, or in my case YEARS, later they find out that they can't run from it. And how many 20-25 year olds are mature enough to really know and accept themselves? Some? Sure. Many? Maybe. Most? Unlikely. All? Not a chance. So, without that degree of self understanding and acceptance, how can we judge them to be liers 20 or more years later.

[LilSissyStevie]

I admit that I never gave it much thought but only because it DID go away. When I was dating my first wife I lost any desire to crossdress. I didn't think about it when we were living together. It was years into our marriage before I started to think about it again. Oh, there were a few times that I tried on one of her skirts or panties, but I immediately felt ridiculous and mentally slapped myself back into manhood. Instead of crossdressing, I developed a rich transgender fantasy life. I became a crossdreamer rather than a crossdresser.

I didn't tell my wife about my fantasies because, first, they weren't going to happen and, second, I learned early in that marriage that anything I said COULD and WOULD be used against me sooner or later. So, I withheld the truth from her but she was guilty too. She neglected to tell me that she was an insufferable bitch. I had to find that out after we were already married. I didn't even crossdress during the 5 years I was single after we divorced. I didn't start dressing again until well into my second marriage. That time it was my wife's idea after I shared some of my fantasies with her. The rest is history.

[ReineD]

My SO told me a few years ago that when she was younger, she thought it would all go away as she aged (I'm assuming she meant when she lost the youthful flush of beauty). But then she realized that she was aging and the desires did not diminish. I told her then that I could see her eventually becoming a CDing grandma. lol.

Just saying ... there must be several reasons why CDs don't tell other than denial: they think it will go away when they fall in love, or will have kids, or as they age, or if they are in college, as their careers take hold. Or as you say, they don't want their partners to think less of them as men. Or perhaps it is strictly a sexual pastime for them and they don't see any reason to tell. The reasons must have more to do with whatever point they're at along the gender continuum, the dressing frequency, and of course self-acceptance.

[DonnaT]

I didn't think it would go away when I got married.

Trouble was, CDing wasn't even on my mind when I got married, nor in the six months we dated before that.

Would I have told her if I had thought about it? Probably not. But if I knew then what I know now, then I would have.

[juno]

You have to keep in mind that men are often not in touch with their own feelings. A trans person might deal with feelings more like a man or woman. Some MTFs are particularly confused about why the have feminine interests. So, some MTF crossdressers are always struggling with feelings. For them, it is reasonable to think and hope it will go away with marriage. Being completely honest is not just about open communication, but trying to figure out what they are actually feeling. Other MTFs deal with feelings like women and see the other MTFs as dishonest.

I think most people here are not dishonest by nature, but dishonest through denial, thinking they can make it go away. So, lets try to be positive here.

[Jane G]

I think the internet and forums like this have massivly changed our understanding of who we are. When I got married, 27 years ago, I knew I liked to dress as a woman and I used to wish I'd been born a girl, but I had never heard of cross dressing and had know real idea that there was any one else out there like me. There was know way I was going to tell my fiancee or mother or any one else at the time. Hard to belive it now, but that's how it appeard to me back then. Glad to see things have changed, knowlege and education the corner stones of modern life.