Battling Futility

[Christy_M]

Warning - downer post - sorry

I really enjoy myself when I am all girlied up. I feel complete. I feel like I am at peace with myself. I feel shame and guilt for what I am wearing but otherwise, I feel like I belong.

I love getting the chance to go out as Christy. I can't wait until I get my opportunities and I long for more and more time to express myself. While I limit myself to going to LGBT friendly places, I truly enjoy getting out in the public while dressed en femme. The more and more I get to express myself, the more and more I feel a need to be myself more often. I find myself wishing I could be Christy more and more often.

Lately, I have been feeling as though I am just kidding myself. As much as I enjoy being me, I know I can't go anywhere mainstream without drama and it makes me feel sad that Christy is stifled.I was with a bunch of friends tonight who do not know Christy and I wanted so badly to be myself but they are not "good" friends that would understand and could potentially cause harm to my job security depending on how they expressed their feelings about Christy. So here I sit feeling a little depressed and thinking that being me in mainstream society is futile. For as little acceptance I may garner the negativity I feel I would receive keeps me bottled up and closed off to the rest of the world.

How do I get out? How do I shed all this self loathing and stop worrying about what the rest of society thinks about me? How do I accept myself not for being a part time girl but for being me full time? Away from the stigmas, away from the over compensation, away from the pressures of being "normal," away from the sense of inadequacies for not being a "real man."

Sorry to go on like this. I seem to be in an unusually dark place right now. I know many of you will try to lift my spirits and for that I am grateful. What I really want is to just like me and be OK with who I am. I am certain that noone but me can give that to me. Maybe I just need to suck it up and stop being a whiny a$$ and move on. Who knows. Tomorrow is a new day. It has to be better than today.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Christy