Here's my story and dilema

[SharonOfLB]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Sharon, I'm new here. I'm 27 years old and only have started crossdressing only for about 2-3 months. I find myself in such a weird position and hopefully someone can give me an idea of my situation. In explaining on how I came about to being a closet crossdresser, I hope I don't offend anyone in any way of how it came about. Somethings may seem inappropriate, but I'm trying to be thorough as possible to my current status. Bear with me, it might be long.

As a kid, I've always found something intriguing about nylon stocking. So I basically have a nylon fetish. But my story doesn't start until I was 17 living with my aunt in Las Vegas. As a teenager, sex is always on my mind. And with the internet (dail-up, since it was cheaper than dsl back then) existence, porn was unlimited. So browsing porn one day, I accidently click a link that slowly load a picture from top to bottom starting with a really pretty woman face. As the page load until it reached the waist area, I found out I was looking at a male the whole time. I was shocked. I didn't know how to react but stop browsing. The next few days, the picture was on my mind. I question my sexuality for a moment cause I was attracted to this male. Then I learn I'm only attracted to the female features. But as weeks turned into years, I was more curious about transvestites and became really attracted to them.

I thought many men weren't attracted to transvestites, but I learned later on I was dead wrong. Something about the combination of a female figure with a male penis turned me on. I couldn't explain it, but just felt it was taboo to be turned on by such. I then started turning to online classifieds to try and meet a transvestite in person. Then I learn of the crossdressing world. Just like my attraction to transvestite, I was willing to meet a male who crossdress privately. This was when I learned I was what they called an admirer. I had no luck in the beginning finding someone to meet. But for some strange reason, I decide to find a man instead to hook up feeling it could replace this CD I've been long for but couldn't get. (I'm not gay and only attracted to a female only and still do). I felt all confused with what's happening to me mentally. I did found luck with meeting another man, I didn't however went all the way like I thought I would in our exchange messages. When we first met, I was really nervous. He calm me down and gave me oral sex. Then I left cause I was more shock with what just happened. I end up meeting another male who gave me oral sex. Then I finally meet a CD for the first time. I was really excited, but our time was cut short cause he was too tired to do anything. Then one day I got lucky and met a tranvestite who live life as a full female. We met and we went all the way. When it happened, I felt satisfy from which I was long searching for. We kept in contact, but I moved. I later met with another CD, I only went first base with cause I was exhausted the night we met. This section might be the most disturbing, but I fell I have to mention it to understand my situation.

Now we fast forward to recent times and I met my current girlfriend. While watching a transvestite porn (Yes i'm ashame, I'm a natural man. I still do look at porn once in a while), I ask myself a question that would forever change my life. "How does it feel to have anal sex?". The porn was really getting to me. I decide to looked up anal sex and men. I realize even straight men do it. It's more of anal simulation pleasure. I then gave it a try and liked it. At this point, I'm just lost with my sexuality from past experiences. One day while putting stuff away, I found my girlfriend costume from a few halloween back. It had black stockings with a red bow. And for some weird reason, my fetish with stocking told me to try it. I did and loved it. And that was my first time crossdressing. I work night and she work day. So the next day when she was at work, after trying on her stocking, I decide to try her thong panties and loved the feeling of it wrapped deep in my crack. I even tried her corset and liked it. But I feel very submissive for some reason when i dress up. And along with my anal simulation, I find myself wanting to be fem for another male. And this is where I am feeling presently. I know, I'm pretty whacked out huh? Just hope someone can help with how I'm feeling now. I'm not even attracted to men, only female. I'm lost with my sexuality more than ever. I came from wanting a male who dress female to being that person. I hope I don't get banned for being so straight forward. But I have to vent of my situation. So if anyone can help, please do.

[Jill Devine]

Not really sure how we can "help" other than to say that you are still trying to find yourself. We all develop at a different pace but not everyone has found themselves properly at your age. Maybe you are not ready for a relationship with a genetic male or female. What you need is time to explore the world. Just stay safe and if the confusion builds then try a therapist to help you along the way.

I haven't experienced the kind of confusion you are going through but I'm also not going to judge you either.

[linda allen]

There are all kinds of people in this world and we sometimes change as we age or gain experience. Read the posts and replies on this forum and ask questions or post responses. You will eventually figure out what you want in life, although it may change as time goes on.

[AnnaCalliope]

This is one of the reasons heterosexual men find pre-op transsexuals so attractive. For years, we as males are taught that involving ourselves with another man is extremely taboo and thus there is this ingrained rebellious curiosity to find what we've been missing all this time. Experimenting with a pre-op or full-time M2F allows us to enjoy that experience while still convincing ourselves its not gay, because she is technically female. I've met a few admirers before, and every single one claims to be 100% straight and would never do anything sexual with another guy. They get around that because their TG partner only thinks of herself as female and thus its still, at least in their mind, a heterosexual relationship, regardless of the genitalia involved.

[Sarah Doepner]

It sounds like there is a lot going on in your life right now and they are very different things. You are exploring your sexuality and at the same time dealing with gender issues, two related but different things. It may be difficult to compartmentalize the two but it may help as you move along toward better understanding. There are plenty of crossdressers here who may be able to help with some of the questions you have about gender, and there are plenty of members here who are either gay or bi and may be able to help you understand your sexuality. It can be overwhelming to have it all jump on you at the same time. Try to be the one in control of your impulses and desires if at all possible. The pink fog and sexual desires can take you places you don't want to be.

I see two things to offer caution on. First is how you are relating to your girlfriend and what will happen in that relationships as you continue to experiment. She may be able to help you, but she also may end being hurt by some of your choices, so be considerate of her. The second is that old common suggestion to be careful and concerned for your health as you have your sexual relationships. Good luck and as others suggest, do some research here and reach out for some support.

[docrobbysherry]

I don't think we have the answers for u, Sharon.
But, I know someone who DOES! YOU!

You're lucky, in a way. As long as you're careful with the partners u pick and use condoms, you'll figure out what and who u r. And, who u want to be with! Just relax. Don't stress! Enjoy your journey!

I didn't start my, "OMG I'm a crossdresser! I must be gay!" phase until after I was 50!
By the time you're 50, you'll have it ALL WORKED OUT!

[Roberta Marie]

The only advice that I can offer is to follow your heart, but do so with caution. As Sarah suggested, you need to take nto consideration your girlfriend and her feelings, and you also need to be aware of your own health issues, i.e. until you are in a long term, monogomus relationship, use a condom, no matter what the other person may say about them limiting sensation.

Also, be aware that you may be vulnerable while you are trying to sort out your own sexuality, and there are people who would prey on people that are in such confusion. I don't mean to scare you but I'm only suggesting that you enter into any relationships, whether emotional or physical, with your eyes open.

And know that, despite what some might tell you, most people would tell you that there is nothing wrong with being heterosexual, gay, or bisexual. Just as there is nothing wrong with being transgendered, transexual, or a crossdresser.

So, listen to your heart, but be cautious. And don't be afraid to seek profesional help from a therapist that has experience with sexuality.

[JulieC]

I'm pretty whacked out huh?

Nope, not even the slightest bit.

Ok, you need to be sitting down for this. This is very hard to accept, and I don't mean any sarcasm in this. It's fundamental to moving forward, finding self acceptance, self respect, and confidence within yourself. Are you ready? When you read this, think about it. Don't just go "well of course" and move on. THINK about it.

Ready? Really ready? Here it is...

You are human.


You're not crazy, you're not strange, you're not broken, you're not damaged, you're not messed up, you're not demented, you're not perverted, you're not sick.


You are human.

Let that sink in.

[Alice Torn]

Sex addiction is something many struggle with. If the dresing and pink fog completely take over our lives, we are in big trouble, just as any addiction, or hobby can take over. Sarah is right. Fools rush in, where wise men dare to tread. I have let dressing overtake my life at times, but, now control it. But, at 56, my libido is almost nil. You are 27, and in high sexual energy. I feel for you. When i was 27, I did "solo" sex several times a week, but, never with another person. I did go to a few "Sex addicts anonymous meetings", and bought their book. Personally, anal sex is tabboo with me, and I detest thong undrwear "dental floss'. Maybe get counselling, and /or talk with your girlfriend. You are not alone. These are very confusing times!

[SharonOfLB]

Thanks everyone for the comment. I guess I came to the conclusion that I'm still trying to find my place in my own sexuality. Since I started crossdressing really late, I'm still opening new doors to what I really want. The mentality of wanting to experience is what got me this position to begin with. My girlfriend have no clue whatsoever about my past experiences. She only think of me is a man. I wanted a better understanding of myself before letting her know. My best option would be to search on this forum and ask questions like what linda suggested.

[James Kaon]

Sharon I think JulieC nailed it for me. You are not 'whacked out', at all! Although I could not pretend to have the same feelings you have, it does not mean that you are something that is good or bad. You are what you are, and there should be no bad feelings at all! You are unique I am sure, but thats just because not as many people feel as you do. So what? So you feel more? COOL! You are wicked! Learn yourself as many here suggest and try to be open when u feel the time is right with your gf. IMHO of course!

Jx

[christinac]

I'm not sure how far back threads are archived here, you would have to ask one of the administrators about that, but back out two maybe three years ago there was a whole thread about what makes a person gay or not. At least that is what the thread turned into if my memory is correct I believe the thread was a question about hormones and the name was something like "Does Hormones Make You Gay" or something to that effect.
Anyway, there was a lot of information in that thread that may answer your question if the thread hasn't been deleted due to old age.

[Barbara Dugan]

I think a lot of people can relate to your experience including myself...I always had a strange curiosity to transvestites even at early age but I couldn't figure why, maybe because I related to them on their struggles and sometimes the way the were hated and ridiculed either when I saw them on TV or at the street but never I was attracted to them on a sexual way. I always had a form of gender nonconformity and confusion about my sexual identity that the only way to suppress both struggles was being totally asexual. I too discover that kind of porn and asked myself if I was interested on them or being them ...once I started dressing the answer was obvious I wanted to keep and develop my female identity... the one I suppressed all my life

[DanyaKay]

tells me that I'm not gay. I CD because of sometimes it helps to relax after a tough day, sometimes because I just want to have the feel of the clothes, the feel of em femme, and there are other reasons. Speaking for myself, I'm 46 and still have a strong desire for sex. Recently, I have found that receiving oral sex from a dude doesn't matter to me. As long as I get it. I may give it one day just to try it. I have been in situations involving anal also given by a woman. I still view that as just sex and I'm cool with it. I guess to satisfy my needs a man would be just a fine; hadn't been there yet. Maybe I'm a sexual freak but I'm not worried. I'm gonna be just fine. I don't know if this will help or not but there are others out there who are having nearly identical experiences. Shoot pm's to girls who you think you connect with and listen to their advice and see if it applies. Best of luck.

[Cindygirl65]

That resembles my story. I started cding at 11. I loved watching Charlies Angels and seeing them in sexy costumes and I emulated them. A family member saw me in drag and played with me. I was the damsel in distress and he took advantage of me. I liked it and still do. There are not too many guys I go gaga over but I do like girls. Does your girlfriend know of your cding? If she does I woud suggest playing role reversal and see how you like it. I hope this will be of help to you. Good luck and welcome to our Great Big Sorority. There are big and little sisters here to support you. I support you and I know others here will also. Cindy.

[Vickie_CDTV]

A friend of mine, someone who has been in the TG community for decades, once said, "Sometimes a fantasy should just remain a fantasy, it can be like opening pandora's box you wish you never opened". I fear this is the kind of situation she was talking about. While you are not doing anything wrong, you have opened up a pandora's box of confusion. Like is easier being a cisgendered heterosexual male, and I would fear you have really made your life harder and more complicated than it might have otherwise been.

At the very least, I hope you are being 100% honest with your current girlfriend about what you are doing, including telling her about others you are sleeping with, and she understands, accepts and consents to the increased risk to her. You are (or have been) engaging in some risky behavior and she has every right to know about that.

[izzfan]

Don't worry, you'll work it all out eventually. I went through a whole bunch of stages of being confused about my gender and sexuality and eventually, I figured out what worked for me and felt true to me. It just takes time and research, but at the end of the day only you know what feels right for you.

As for your sexuality, don't get too hung up on labels (eg: gay, straight, bi etc...) because not everyone fits into these very narrow categories. As you seem to identify as predominantly male and are attracted to women (both transgender and biological) then you're probably mostly straight in my opinion. But, again, only you truly know and understand your sexuality.

As someone who is mostly attracted to men in a romantic sense, I've never really liked anal sex though and it is something of a turn-off for me. At the end of the day, your sexuality depends on who you are attracted to and not what you do with them.

From all I've read on this forum and others, you're not the first person to have a thing about nylon stockings. So, don't beat yourself up about it. The "submissive" thing seems to be a reasonably common feeling/fantasy too (and one which, if I am honest, I have occasionally - though less often than I used to).

Though, I would suggest that you should probably buy your own stockings and underwear rather than use your girlfriend's. Though if you have not yet come out about this to your girlfriend, then you should probably find a good hiding place for them. As for the whole "coming out" thing, I'm probably not the best person to advise you about this and there are a lot of threads etc.. about this topic on the forum.

I hope that this was useful

[Samantha B L]

I wouldn't give it a second thought. Most people do this for fun and pleasure be it sexual or otherwise. I've had sex with guys 5 times and with women once. And with rare exceptions I'm attracted mainly to female looks and female clothing. And I consider myself to be more of a transvestite than a crossdresser but I'm willing to use the term crossdresser because it is less severe and more diplomatic. It's good to have you with us,Sharon.

[Samantha43]

One thing I have learned in life....everyone is "whacked out".

I hope you find yourself. Be careful and don't do anything you will later regret.

[Natalie Wood]

Sharon,

I empathize with your story in the way that you are desperately searching for who you are. In my journey I have come to the realization that in order for me and my wife to be happy with my cding, we have to realize that we cannot have expectations of what is to come and how far this will go. I too have had mixed feelings but in the end I know what I want and that is just to cd and have my wonderful family too. But how far will I take it? Going out in public? Make-up? etc. Well that is what I try not to dwell on. This is my journey and I am excited knowing that it is not over and there is much more discovery to be done. So maybe try not to dwell on "what" you are or trying to label yourself. Go with your true feelings and be happy.

[Lucy_Bella]

It sounds like things are getting some what out of control..Even tho you're an adult I might suggest the next place you go searching for help is Therapy.. Nothing you are doing is Illegal but what concerns me most is useing protection and your head.. You shouldn't seek out people and have sexual encounters the very same night you meet..

No offence and I am talking to you from my cuff, comming here and explaining such a story is somewhat a slap in the face for us ONLY if you feel we all act in this manner..My sexuality and bedroom activity is no different than any other average guy. Just because I have a dressing fetish doesn't mean I am a total sexual freak.. So please , take my advise and seek professinal help..

[SharonOfLB]

I can't in any way feel offended from anyone telling me here of my situation. I explain my story and seek for opinions. And that's what I've got from everyone and I'm thankful for them putting in their 2 cent. I truly believe I don't need therapy because of what I experienced. After hearing everybody out. I'm just on a journey to seeking what I really want for myself. I know I should let my girlfriend know soon. But I don't feel the time is right yet. I'm devoted to her and don't go seeking other partners since I've been with her. I plan on staying away from any temptation and seeing what this forum can offer me in answers I seek.

[Lucy_Bella]

Fair enough Sharon ...welcome to the forum btw...

[Kristina]

When i am conflicted with any issue i simply ask "WHY" to everything. why do i want to crossdress why do i feel like this why. and to each answer ask why again and again. until eventually you have the root, the core of the dilemma. you have an answer. then you make a decision off of that core idea and stick with it for as long as it lasts

[Lucy_Bella]

I am like this...Every night I go to sleep, I wish, pray for it to just go away..To be normaland to never have thisin my life again.. Yeah,sure, some of you will say "Lucy then why bother why even dress?" I would hope that some day maybe those who ask will understand it's not a matter of choice..

It's always taunting, lurking and finding it's way back no matter how hard I push it away.. Finally I find this place in hopes for answers, nope , none found except there are plenty more where I come from.. Then its a matter of self acceptance... Great accept no one has any exception ( acception ) outside of this world..I find myself climbing a wall of false hope only to land in a field of daggers..

Hey finally the road leads to a fork, a path I must choose , my future set out for a change instead of day by day confussion ,,,.. Yes it's a piece of mind for once in my life I blaze my own trail .. So now after a few years of hearing stories and compareing them to how it was when I first came here..All I can say is sit back open a few beers and light a good cigar...You are infor one hell of a ride!!