Trying to become untwisted

[AmberLynn]

It's been a While since I visited the forum's Last. I had a long period Of thought and talks with my so about how things could transpire over the coming years "if dressing become 24/7,how to deal with family member's her's/mine,if friends found out basically everything everyone else here has or most likely will at some point go thru. After a few month's of talk's I started to have very vivid,very unsettling dreams about my dressing. I went about 3 weeks waking up with these dreams and became again all stured up again,became self conscious and nearly purged all my stuff. Then for the last week my family seems to have pulled a 180 about the spectrum of thing's. My sister has fallin in love with some show on mtv she said,about a bunch of gay guy's "her words not mine" dressed as women and how pretty they are IM like HELLO you have a crossdresser for a brother/sister that you have ripped on since 2001 when i went out dressed for Halloween,But since there gay it's ok. My Mother has started telling me how proud she is of her kid's and how much she love's us all. It's like in a nonchalant way,there trying to get me to come out to them. I have to admit the thought of not having to hide behind thick curtains and shallow emotions sounds wonderful. The biggest problem I have been having is past memories from my child hood that i have buried that are trying to surface,I can remember telling my 4th grade teacher "special ed teacher" about my wanting to be a girl and being told repeatably that i was a boy that's what I would be. For some reason the memory of someone in a powerful position over me as a child is over riding my ability to make a choice as an adult with out feeling shame about it. It's not an all the time feeling but it is strong when i feel it.

For some reason,coming here tonight just felt right. I feel a Suttle Peace flowing over me. I know there's answer's out there for those who look,maybe i have found mine tonight. Maybe I should let AmberLynn flow threw me both in time's dressed and in drab. Maybe if i let people get to know amber while im in drab they wont feel so out of sorts when im dressed. And maybe then i can work on the self conscious i feel when i think about that teacher. Sorry about the ramble but I do feel better thanks for letting me post and be on your forums everyone.

[Phoebe P.]

Never feel sorry. You are who you are. Love yourself and accept yourself. It's weird I'm just starting on this journey myself. Take it slow and don't worry so much. That's what my Dr. told me today. Had to be checked for high blood pressure... Doing well.

[Stephanie Miller]

This scenerio is very vivid in my mind too. Except you were on a couch and I was sitting in a chair with a pad and pencil saying "so how does that make you feel?" Then I followed it up with " That'll be $75 please and I'll see you next week.

All kidding aside.... Isn't that what we're all hear for, is friendship and a lending ear?

[Renee_E]

Just relax and take life one step at a time. I have been teased about my girly choices all my life. It used to bother me but I learned it was the other person who felt awkward because I didn't move, act, or choose the way they did. I hoped to get more masculine and fit in for a long time. It never worked. Now I am just me. An old song comes to mind "You can't please everybody so you might as well please yourself."

[Tina B.]

Many of have felt that shame that you speak of, I remember my father found me dressed once when I was 8 or 9, to this day I can see his face, as he told me "I don't ever want to see you dressed like that again". Those few seconds, and that one line, has stayed with me for life, and I think it had a lot to do with all the years it took me to accept myself for what I am, and even more to learn to like who I am. I'm always reminded to be careful of what and how you say things to kids, because somethings, stay for life, and I would hate to put that on anyone. But know this, the coach was wrong, you don't have to be a boy just because you where born that way, because inside, you are a bit of a woman already. If you ever get pass the guilt it gets to be a lot more fun!
Tina B.

[Lorileah]

it is really hard for most of us to realize but there is only really ...ok I'll say 2...people you need to make happy. You and your SO. In this day it is so hard to understand how water became thicker than blood but it has and if you try and be what everyone else wants you to be you won't be happy. It is no fun to live your life unhappy. So as the song goes "if it makes you happy it can't be that bad". Be happy

[jennifer easton]

Amberlynn the new GaGa song should be all are motto's I WAS BORNE THIS WAY!!! and then we all can stand up proud and say GET OVER IT!!!, remember this IS who we are! love ya Jenni

[danielleb]

It takes time to find that internal place of contentment. The years you've lived so far should be evidince enough that you can't find it hiding buried by guilt or shame imposed by others, and thus yourself. Certainly a majority of us have been, or are right there with you. Take the steps you need, and don't pander to how fast or slow it's going to take others to accept you.