Originally Posted by
Jenny Wilson
Hi Amie,
As others have noted, is your beloved transgendered or a crossdresser. TGs have been born into the wrong body and many want to set things right by undergoing SRS (sexual reassignment surgery). Crossdressers, often termed transvestites, simply feel the need to dress in women’s clothes, but have no desire to transition to becoming a woman.
As for, “is he gay,” the number of gay crossdressers is thought to mirror the percentage of gays in the general population, so a guess is 10% (one generally accepted statistic) of crossdressers are gay.
These are questions that you fiancé needs to answer, but he/she may not be totally certain at the moment. That he/she is involved with you to the degree you two are engaged indicates it is likely he/she is not gay, but bisexuality should not be ruled out. Some serious soul searching needs to be done.
The advice to read the posts here, and anything you can get your eyes onto, is excellent. There is no one answer that sums up CDing for all of us, as we are all individuals. Note though, that many of us have been married for a long time, many decades in a lot of cases, and have had solid marriages. Sometimes our spouses have known and have accepted our CDing, sometimes they’ve known and tolerate it, and sometimes they’ve known and hate it, to the point that separation and divorce has resulted. Obviously, keeping something this important from our spouses is disingenuous, but invariably our lack of candor is a result of fear of the consequences of “coming clean.” For your fiancé to have told you was a major leap of faith.
Other point to note are:
1) Gender refers to what plumbing you were born with.
2) Gender identity refers to what gender you think/feel you are, regardless of the plumbing.
3) Sexual preference refers to whom you’d like to get cuddly with, same sex, opposite sex (both based on what plumbing you have) or both sexes (heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual).
Another concept to consider is that there are spectrums for sexual identity. For example, some women are “girly girls” and others are fairly masculine in appearance and then there is the entire range spanning those extremes. The same can be said for men – there is a range from “he men” to effeminate acting men. Yet there are girly girls who are heterosexual and girly girls who are lesbians. There are masculine (usually termed “butch”) women who are heterosexual and there are others who are lesbians. There are he men who are heterosexual and he men who are gay. There are effeminate men who are heterosexual and there are effeminate men who are gay. And there is the whole spectrum in between the extremes who are either heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. The bottom line is that you can’t pigeon hole people.
Women expect their men to be “men,” manly, not sissies. To find out your man wants to dress up as a woman shatters your image of “your man.” You have the feeling you have lost your “rock to lean on,” your “protector” may not be able to shield you. It’s as if you woke up one day and now the sky, which has always been blue, as you have been taught to expect (unless you live somewhere where cloudy, gray days is the norm), is going to be bright green from here on out, or from now on the sun is going to rise in the west and set in the east. Your basic beliefs have been shattered.
On the other hand, how about the pressure you, as a woman, feel to live up to the expectations society places on you? How well do you live up to those expectations? How feminine do you feel all of the time? Doesn’t it vary? From what I’ve read, most women these days resent the pressure to look feminine all of the time. They want to have the freedom to not wear dresses or skirts, not wear high heels, not have their makeup and hair done perfectly all of the time. They realize they aren’t a “super woman” (an unrealistic myth perpetrated by women’s magazines in the late 70s or so) and never will be.
This has gotten to be a long response and yet it hasn’t even begun to fully explore some of these points. Plus, I’m certain that some of what I’ve said will garner some ire on the part of some, but it is a starting point for discussion.
Good luck in your research and my compliments to you in your curiosity and open mindedness. I hope that all works out for the two of you.
Jenny
My name is Carol.
