Need Advice

[charlie]

Hello Amie!
At least you are coming here, asking questions and trying to see if you can get your head around this. There is a part of this forum...the FAB female at birth part that is wives and girlfriends of crossdressers that can answer your direct questions best. My wife has not left me either. I am a crossdresser, but only view my dressing as some strange part of my dichotomy. I'm not gay, love my wife and family and do not want to be a woman. I think I'm like most of the posters here on the forum. Sign up to the FAB and get the opinions from other women who have had your same thoughts and worries.

[Nisha]

Amie.. get the book "My Husband Betty" by Helen Byod. It gives a good insight into cross-dressing and relationships.

<http://www.amazon.com/My-Husband-Betty-Love-Crossdresser/dp/1560255153>

My suggestion is to try being with him when he dresses. Go out a few times, get a feel of it. May be help him with make up, dress or even shop. You will get to know a different person as your partner.

Keep an open mind. Understand and take a decision. It will affect both your lives. Just don't try or even hope to change him. It won't happen.

-Nisha.

[Rianna Humble]

I realise that you want to hear mainly from those who are in a relationship -which I am not - but I would just like to add one thing to those who have already encouraged you to have a deeper discussion with your boyfriend. Whilst you need to find out what (s)he feels and how (s)he sees him/herself, you also should not be afraid to express your own feelings and anxieties during that discussion.

Your boyfriend has already shown that he respects you by telling you about his cross-dressing. I believe that shows that he wants to be honest with you and share the whole of himself with you.

For the record (since Reine is quite right that you cannot tell just by reading our responses to you), I am a transwoman, so please feel free to take that into account when weighing up what I have written.

[PretzelGirl]

Amie, there is one thing I always preach about reading this site to learn. While this site is a great knowledge resource and just as effective a therapy outlet, it is also a firehose of information. Just as you can say that there are all these differences between cultures and you belong to one, there are many aspects of all the people that are here and your partner is just one, a subset of all that we do. So soak it in, but please keep your mind open because until your partner says "I do this" and "I like this", then you don't know what is rolling around in that mind. We are all different but it all gets talked about here.

Thank you for coming and exploring. I think that you having an open mind is a great indicator of the strength of the relationship of your two. Have patience as we are used to being closed about this and you may have to talk often and for a while before all the comfort zones open up. The best of luck to you!

[Presh GG]

Thank you darla g,
Perhaps I should have left it at change, not so much escalate... depending entirely on where s/he is at now and eventually most comfortable.

Good night,
Presh GG

[Joanne f]

Well i am inclined to agree with you on that escalation is a good word to use in a lot of case`s as i have often used the expression of letting the horse out of the stable door , it is often a new found freedom that some will take full advantage of until there is some tightening of the reins by their wife/SO as it needs to be a two way thing not freedom for one while the other just sits and puts up with it .

[amie2889]

Thank you all for your advice and welcoming thoughts.
Each of you have helped me in some way.

I'm going to take upon the offer to join the other chat group.

Thanks again
...... =)

[Jenniferathome]

Amie, I came out to my wife about two weeks ago. It was the best thing I ever did for our relationship. She doesn't understand my need to dress any more than I. Sadly, cross dressing is not easy to explain but it is a deep rooted thing. My wife's view is that male and female is a continuum, not two discrete points. She has been fantastic but I asked her to set the ground rules so she is comfortable. For example, she said hanging my dresses in our closet was ok so I did. She also said she is not ready to see me in a wig and makeup, so she will not. Cross dressing is only a small part of one's life. You should set the ground rules so you are comfortable. Here's and upside for you: he'll never have a secret again. You can have a long relationship with total honesty. My wife and I are happier now than ever. Honesty did that.

[MrKunk]

Amie also remember some of us can be really discreet. I for one did not come out to my family or friends for 15 years. I am 28 now. I am heterosexual and am still interested in women, however I feel like a girl over half the time, so some people I run into have asked whither or not that would be more lesbian like mentally wise. To that I say they are asking the proper questions, but for that there really are not proper answers.

[AmyGG]

Hi Amie

Im the wife of a CDer and went through what you are going through about 8 months ago. Its a shocker isn't it???!!! My hubby couldn't come across as more manly if he tried and to have this bombshell was quite a shock. We are working through it but it hasn't been easy. Its up to you how you want it to work. I found that compromise is good. Make sure he knows of your views and what you are comfortable with and work on that. Honesty is always the best policy. My hubby and I have been married for nearly 10 years and have children. This is something I do not expect the children to be exposed to but do allow fem clothes that can be unisex. The up side of this that I have found is that clothes shopping is much easier - he is more willing to give his honest opinion rather than the shrug of shoulders I quite often got before. We also have girly nights when we sip wine and do each others nail varnish. He also has more perfume than me which i tend to use sometimes. We also have quite similar tastes over some things so anything he buys that doesn't quite fit usually comes my way!!

All I can really say is that if you really love this person there are good points to this but again your feelings and needs also need to be met. Even a normal relationship is all about compromise.

Im new here and haven't got my 10 posts yet to enable people to chat to me but if you would like to chat in the future please feel free to look me up on here.

Take care. Take one step at a time and be positive.

AmyGG

[kimdl93]

. The up side of this that I have found is that clothes shopping is much easier - he is more willing to give his honest opinion rather than the shrug of shoulders I quite often got before. We also have girly nights when we sip wine and do each others nail varnish. He also has more perfume than me which i tend to use sometimes. We also have quite similar tastes over some things so anything he buys that doesn't quite fit usually comes my way!!

AmyGG

I really appreciated Amy's perspective, and particularly that she acknowledged the "up side". The benefits are there, and they can be substantial, if one is able to see and experience. I'm a better spouse, I am certain, because I can be who I am, can express my femme side, and can enjoy girly things that I might have otherwise denied myself.

[june58]

I can imagine your shock when he told you. My wife and I were married for about 8 years or so before I told her and she was probably as shocked as you were. Based on our experience I would say is take it slowly and respect each others feelings and opinions when you talk about it. I took us several years and a lot of talking before we worked it out. We are still together happily married and she realizes it is just a part of me. She understands and tolerates it and we do a lot of shopping together. I have no desire to try to pass or go out while dressed, but it is nice to be able to dress and be myself at home. We also read a couple of books about crossdressing.

If you love each other you can work it out and come to an understanding. I wish you the very best.