Can't answer the "why" question

[Diana Rae]

I discussed this subject with my wife early in our relationship. She told me not to worry about "why". It is right for me and she is ok with it so go ahead and dress all I want. She is so good!!

[carhill2mn]

I don't know how long you have been reading the posts on this site or if you are on any other similar sites. I think you will learn that there is no real answer as to "WHY". There have been and are many theories over the years; some seem to be more likely than others but, they are all theories. IMHO the best that most of us can hope for is to learn how to accept yourself for who and what you are and then go about living your life in the best way that you can.

[Frédérique]

Why do I like to wear women's clothes? Why do I feel that urge? Why does that urge ebb and flow? Why can sometimes years go by without wanting to dress, then all of a sudden I *have* to do it? Why am I stuck in limbo with it? I don't want to do makeup and a wig, but I do want to dress completely otherwise. Why?

[SIZE="2"]Do what you feel is right, but I think YOU already have the answers…

You may want to try makeup and a wig at a later date – just don’t over-think what you’re doing, and please enjoy what you’re doing! Wearing women’s clothes was a decision borne of curiosity (in my case), so I just went with the flow and experimented with nearly everything I could think of. To this day I don’t know why I started down this path – it may be the most natural thing you could do, perhaps an expression of a more genuine self you need to embrace. Everyone is different, and you will encounter many insights and delights via your crossdressing, but please don’t let anyone tell you that it is wrong, shameful, or something you simply cannot, or must not do. Be an individual first and foremost, and be an intrepid explorer – journey into the interior and discover yourself…[/SIZE]

[Jorja]

Do you remember that dark night when you were driving across the desert? The bright light drawing you closer and closer? Then suddenly you woke up sitting in your car along a dark lonely desert highway? Yes my dear, it was real! The aliens have adjusted your mind to make you believe you are a female. Therefore, you must dress as a female. That is WHY.

[NyssaF]

That was brilliant!

[NyssaF]

you made me giggle!

[NyssaF]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! It is wonderful to read what everyone things about this. The common thread seems to be: "accept who you are and don't worry about 'why'."

And I can understand that. I can't explain "why" I find a red-headed woman gorgeous. I can't explain why I like big b00bs. Hell, I can't even explain why I like the sound of the wind. I just do, and that's enough.

But I have a bit of a problem no knowing the answer. I am a very literal, fact-oriented, problem-solving kind of person. EVERYTHING should have an answer, an explanation, a cause. Especially when it is something within myself. I can't just ignore the question. I mean, I've always ignored it in the past, and just enjoyed dressing, then bore the inevitable feelings of shame and self-deprecation and purging. Now, I want to understand this better. Understand myself better.

[sigh]

[NathalieX66]

Thanks Jorja.

As for the original OP's 5 questions, my simple answer is who cares?!
All I know is I've been at this since I was 8, and it is a side of me, and I've only come out to accept myself two years ago, and I feel much happier. Is it so wrong for me to like what I like because it's what I like?

[NyssaF]

I am a firm believer in therapy being theraputic. There's bad therapists, of course - there's good and bad in everything. But a good therapist becomes like a mirror, making you see yourself as you really are. Instead of the circus funhouse mirrors that distorts and warps our self-image.

[Billie Jean]

Simply put, if I have to explain then you just won't understand. Billie Jean

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Just, If and when you ever find the answer PLEASE PLESASE let us all know.

Orchid

[marissa_sissy]

It is what it is. The problem is that you are also bucking a societal norm. If a female celebrity goes to the Oscars dressed in a tux, she is considered a fashion visionary, and "trendy". (Dianne Keaton)

If a male celebrity the same age (say for an example Meatloaf) shows up in an evening gown, even if he looks great, he gets play as a weirdo and a pervert. Another prime example of this was when David Carradine dies a few years ago, and the only thing a lot of new agencies could talk about was that he had female lingerie and stockings in his closet. No mention that he was a great guy. No mention that he invented a martial art and a way of living. No mention of what he did as an actor. Only that he was obviously a pervert. I mean, he dressed privately in womens clothes. (gasp)

Do you feel me here? These things that you are asking yourself, are not exactly "wrong", per se. They are wrong because society is telling us that they are. I do not go out dressed, and likely will not, because I am scared of what happens in society, and the unknown of dealing with attitudes like this.

In my case, luckily, I have a very understanding wife who indulges me, and lets me experiment safely with her. It has not been easy, but thankfully, that bit of acceptance has sure been a big part of not worrying about it so much.

Ultimately, who are you harming by having a bit of fun in the privacy of your own home? Why be guilty about something that is hurting nobody.

I went to a therapist, btw, and she actually did not provide a lot of help. I will admit that it was nice to talk to someone, but in all honesty, it has had little if any impact, and it will not help you stop, unless you legitimately want to. (which I do not, and I would guess most here would not)

[tracijae]

You don't need a therapist....you need a new dress!

[Kathryn Philips]

I have always felt being a CD a life "gift" for which I will always be grateful and I have never questioned "why?" or "why me?". I hope what I feel inside never goes away. Just wish some of my dreams can be fulfilled one day...

...but I guess we CDs are all different, some of us need to know why, and some don't.

[darla_g]

I thought about it for a long time and tried to get real philosophical about it. After a while i kind of gave up and just decided i wanted to enjoy it and not worry about it. I had found my comfort zone in terms of how often i did it and what i would do and then that is that.

[sherib]

Join the club. Many members including me have asked themselves the same question a thousand times without the answer. Sometimes when I haven't dressed for a while and I get shaky, nervousand become a pain to my wife. I look in the mirror and ask myself, WHY ME. And I can nerv er come up with an answer. So if you can if any one can answer this question, please post it for all to read.

[Cari]

I spent a long time trying to figure out why.
Doing some research and talking to others isn't a waste of time and I'm glad I did it.

These days I find it much more rewarding to wonder about when and how.

My answer to why remains "I don't know, its just the way I'm wired"
I stole it from an older wiser CD but it works for me.

[Lorileah]

“There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?” Robert F Kennedy.

Because we have been told this is not "normal", we question the "why". But there isn't an answer other than what Senator Kennedy said. Why not? Is there something there that is pathological? No. Is there something there that will make you a worse person? No. Is there something there that will lead to ruin? Yes, if you continue to fret and worry over it it will consume you. As long as you view this as problem it will be a problem. My advice is let it go, be who you are. You don't have to live up to others standards because they don't think you are right. These are clothes, they don't make you do anything different (if they do then you do need some help) than what you would do anyway. Society has set standards based on unproven and "expected" results. In the case of cross dressing these standards are totally subjective and the "expected" results are unlikely in everyday life. You have to take control of who you are and let the others worry about themselves. They are just clothes. They don't have magic powers. You don't slip into oblivion by donning a dress.

Why do you wear them? You wear them because you like wearing them for whatever reason you have. To be sexy, comfortable, to feel whole, to get attention, to feel power or to feel submissive. You wear them because you get some pleasure from them. Just like you eat chocolate or you get a new car or you sun on the beach in Acapulco. You like it, it harms no one, just do it. When the end is near you can be happy or you can be sad because you decided to follow the crowd and not your heart.

[kimberly ann487]

Hi Me,
As has been said already, no sense going to a therapist if you don't tell the whole story. I've been to three different therapists and got the same results from all three. You are who you are ! I am now comfortable being me. Don't worry they aren't going to tell you that you're crazy or immoral, they will just help you figure it out for yourself. I went for professional help at the request of my wife. She wanted me "cured". I didn't want to but I did it for her and I'm glad I did, even if she didn't get the results she wanted. She still isn't accepting at all but I'm working on it. Sad to say it doesn't look good but I'm happy being me.
Kim

[NicoleScott]

But I have a bit of a problem no knowing the answer. I am a very literal, fact-oriented, problem-solving kind of person. EVERYTHING should have an answer, an explanation, a cause. Especially when it is something within myself.

I'm sure everything has an answer, explanation, or cause. But sometimes we have to be content with not knowing. Perhaps the answers to our questions will come some day (week, year, decade.....). It's OK not to know all the answers. Most (if not all) of us want the same answers, even if not for personal satisfaction, for scientific curiosity. It really doesn't help by fretting over it. As others have said, it is what it is, just enjoy the experience.

[suit]

do you remember any smells that might have been a trigger?
or some one you thought of ? > or such ?

then theirs that national geographic servay on smell and such

http://www.pascack.k12.nj.us/7027192...ll_of_love.pdf · ??

[Taylor186]

"If you know the reason you are doing it, then you're not really a crossdresser." -- Becky (UK)


I spent a long time trying to resolve the why of it and on that journey ran across the quote above. It sums up my philosophy today.

[LeannL]

Hi Just Me,
Unlike most of the other replies, I will attempt to answer your question with, at least to this scientifically mind, a reasonable answer. I found it useful to at least have a story that could explain why I am the way I am.

The male and female brains are different and the differentiation appears to occur during gestation in your mother's womb. We know that this development is controlled by an intricate cascade of hormones released by the fetus but influenced by the mother. If the timing of these releases is not "perfect" the brain does not develop into a "perfect" brain. In our case, we have either underdeveloped male portions or overdeveloped female portions (or, if you are FTM, the other way around). I then find that these two conflicting parts of the brain have fights for dominance. Some times my male side wins and doesn't want to do anything feminine and at other times I want nothing more than high heels and lace. The hard part is when one side is trying to fight to the surface and in particular when my male side wants to be recognized.

Now, none of this construct could be reflect reality but it does help me "understand" how I work and this, most importantly, has help me accept who I am because it was beyond my control and not a "choice" that I made.

BTW, if you are going to see a councilor, I would recommend one that has extensive experience with gender issues. Most that don't aren't going to be of much help based upon comments I have seen here. I can also say, from personal experience, that a bad one is possibly dangerous. Also, if you can find a gender therapist, you won't have any issue telling him/her why you are there.

Leann

[NyssaF]

Thanks, Leann! That does make a lot of sense. dunno if it is actually mine, but it definitely makes me think.

[TGMarla]

My wife asked me why. I admitted that I couldn't easily say why. I can say that I feel compelled to do this, and it's obvious that this is a common theme among us. People mention things like peace of mind, and being attracted to the softness and feel of the clothing. I think it's way more than that, though. We tend to flood our minds with these feelings of femininity, which is something that is frowned upon in Western Society. But we do it anyway, and physically manifest our appearance to match and enhance these feelings. And we like it. It keeps us coming back. It's powerful, and most all CDers tend to believe that it's something that will never leave them their whole lives. Sounds a little like opium addiction, doesn't it? But the female experience is at least half of the human experience, and to deny the feminine experience is to shut yourself out from half of what life has to offer. We may never be true genetic women, but we can strive to live it and experience it as best we can, if even for short periods of time.