I understand now why TS disappear after transitioning

[AKAMichelle]

As I go further and further in this process, I finally see a few things that surprise me. I always thought badly towards the TS girls after they transition and disappear from the community. Now I am beginning to understand since I am feeling that same feeling. While my feelings are those of just a cd'er, I see the simularities.

I have gotten to where I don't want to go to the TG friendly places as much. I want to go where mainstream america goes. The more comfortable I get the more I realize these feelings. The more I seem to be pulling away from the community.

Has anyone else felt these feelings and not transitioned?

[Amalia]

I sort of felt this way before hand, I never really saw the appeal of going to places frequented by the TG community I personally just do normal stuff when dressed, go see a movie, shop go to any old restaurant. I've never been to a one of those spots in my life but I've always sort of done my own thing...... (I'm not transitioning nor plan to)

So yes I see what you are saying I suppose, for me I just like blending in and not being seen as a CDer (though I'm quite sure it happens, but I sort of brush it off when it does)

[Pythos]

and yet, you are not here to offer support that many need. To offer your success stories, or pitfalls.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Michelle,

It's all part of changing and growing as a person. Our intrests wax and wane with whats going on in our lives. Wanting to be mainstream and fit in is natural. Every bird leaves the nest at some time, and you will allways be a part of the TG friends you have made.

Kelly

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I understand what you mean. I have only been to one TG/gay bar in my life. I'm not the club or bar type person. I instead like doing the main stream stuff. And as I move further on in the process of growing as a CD I feel I am starting to become the one others look to for encouragement like I did in the beginning. To that end, I see that you are becoming one of the leaders on this site showing others that it can be done.

[jenniferj]

Hi Michelle,

I think it's a natural progression as you become more comfortable with dressing - or anything else.

Do you remember when you were 16 and first started to drive? At that point of your life, you were intensely aware of the car and the road and you went anyplace -just to drive. Eventually, the novelty wore off. Now we just get in the car to get to where we need to be (although there still are some fun drives); I occasionally go to a car show, but I really don't get excited any more about mag wheels.

Similarly with dressing and presenting yourself as female; the first few times out you practically wet yourself with excitement. You choose safe places, and all you can think about is how pretty you feel. But then you get used to it and start doing the things that interest you for other reasons then that people will see you dressed. I absolutely love the feeling of sisterhood and acceptance I feel when I am waiting in line to use the ladies' room in a "normal" place. (BTW, nobody - absolutely nobody- would ever see girl-me in public and not know my "secret")

That said I agree very strongly with Pythos and Kim. We really do have a responsibility to encourage and support our little sisters until they become comfortable with themselves. I feel badly that I have been around the forum so little in the past months - being busy really isn't a good excuse.

-jj

[sissystephanie]

In my over 60 years as a CD, I believe that I have been to a TG/Gay bar or restaurant maybe 3 or 4 times! I am very much like Amalia! I go to the places where most of the public goes, whether it be restaurants, etc.. When my wife was still alive we often went out as 2 girls together. But we went out to normal public places, not those that catered to TG's! Now that she is gone and I have no one to do my wig or my makeup, I still dress enfemme and go out in public. To the same places that my wife and I used to go to!!

Michelle, please do stay with us on this forum. Your advice is always appreciated!!

[AllieSF]

Michelle, is it really a desire to disappear from the TG scene, or is it that you do not now need the security of the LGBT safe areas and activities? You did not mention your participation as leader of the support group that you formed. Are you considering dropping that too? Even if you did decide to relinquish your leadership role and maybe even your participation, that does not mean that you are giving up your support of this community. Just by going out as Michelle to mainstream and not so mainstream places you are a proud representative of all of us. One more person out there among the "other" people living and doing what everyone else does. Maybe you are just maturing into your new role, seeing things differently and realizing that you are seeing those things differently. I would notice it, note it and then move on. By all means do not worry about it, because it will do nothing positive for you. Enjoy what you are doing and most importantly just be yourself.

[Kate Simmons]

Once they are comfortable with who they are Michelle most folks just want to be regular people.

[Chickhe]

Its like being part of a club, you start out with a lot of questions and need to learn, then you become an expert and get bored with the same newbie questions and you have seen it all before. So then you just go about doing more important things in your life. I can understand how someone who transitions, goes a step beyond because once you live as a female, you want to minimize the complications and hold a certain mindset and just settle down to a calm existance. Its pretty tiring going back and forth.

[AKAMichelle]

I guess I should explained better. As AllieSF said I run a meetup group here in Denver. As of today we have 184 members after 10 months. I will still be the leader of the group next year. <LOL>

I have no intention of completely leaving the community, but I don't see the need to be at TG friendly places. I do understand how you progress through this process and eventually end up leaving after you have reached a certain point in your life. TS do it more than Cd'er because it is key to their being accepted in the new gender. I do feel like I fit less into that part of the community that will only go to TG friendly places. My trip to Chicago changed me and I am having a little trouble putting perspective on everything.

[ReineD]

My SO expanded her outings as well. At first she only went to trans-friendly places, because, well it was safe. Other than TG support groups where frienships are formed, the other places tend to be in bars/clubs unfortunately, and the scene is rather limiting.

It makes sense to branch out and eventually go out in the mainstream. We still will catch a drag show once in awhile, and go to the TG support group, but these activities are no longer the only things she does when dressed.

[kellycan27]

Wouldn't it be wonderful that as a cross dresser one would be free to dress up, be accepted by society, friends,family, employeers and just life in general? Unfortunately this isn't the case. Why? Because people have different ideas and opinions on how one should live thier lives. What is the difference between society''s belief that the disire and act of crossdressing is wrong, and the opinions of some of you ( cd'ers and TS alike) that for transsexuals we shouldn't have the freedom to live our lives as we please? By suggesting that we have some kind of obligation to stick around and "give back" to the TG community. Just like society is throwing up roadblocks, so are you. Just as society wants you to conform to their idea of how one should act, you believe that we should conform to your idea of how we should act.
It always astounds me how people can give advice based on their personal opinion, or what they learn on forums such as this, or from articles that they read in books, or on the internet.... without the benefit of actually living the life 24/7 365 in the real life. Leave the advice to the professionals! If someone needs a pat on the head in comfort ...by all means pat them on the head. There will always be those head patters in the TG community. There will always be the advocates and flag wavers and advice givers. But until you have walked a mile in my shoes, please don't tell me that I am obligated to hang around and help you. I have paid my dues, and now I have the opportunity to live my life as I see fit, and to live the dream that "I", "me", "myself" have worked so hard to achieve. That same dream that you yourselves lust after... wether it be living as a woman, or living with the freedom to crossdress without some a-hole telling you what you should and should not do or how you should or shouldn't act. Some people graduate college and stay on to teach, some move on to their chosen life.. it's a choice and not an "obligation" and any suggestion that people are somehow remiss for not sticking around is IMHO bullshit!
Kelly

[Kaz]

and yet, you are not here to offer support that many need. To offer your success stories, or pitfalls.

Pythos made quite a significant comment.

I totally understand the trend to move away from the CD community once you are in transition, but this an area of experience that would greatly help others who may be grappling with that dilemma. Think of it as being a teacher... pass on your knowledge?

[Stephanie Miller]

Nope.... never did the 24/7 thing.
Nope... probably wouldn't be able to go out for a day with a "senior transitioning specialist" without at least drawing attention at least once.
Nope.... can't ridicule them for not sticking around.

But just because I'm not up to thier advanced "female" status, actions and looks - I don't understand why they ignore us in private or on forums. Do friendships automaticly stop when one reaches a certain level?

However, with that said I do know one thing....There's a bunch of them that I miss.


(Kind of like two little girls that are best friends, until one becomes a teenageer first. Then it's so long sister - you embarress me )

[kellycan27]

It's not about you, or your experience or lack there of, or any kind of (as you put it) "advanced female status" on my part. it's not about "YOU" in any way shape or form. People grow and people move on. Are you still friends with everyone you went to school with? Was there any mention of dumping old friends? Your " two little girls" comment is a great example.. little girls DO grow up and their priorities change. it's called life. At some point in time the road that cders and transsexuals travel together come to a fork. In my everyday trappings I don't run into crossdressers or transsexuals, so I can hardly be blamed for "ignoring" them in private. As far as the forums go.. I seem to find that we simply have different agendas at times, and what may be of interest to you may not or no longer be of interest to me.. neither agendas being better or worse than the other.. just different. I was hoping that we could have this discussion without it turning into an "us against them" arguement. I have no problems or ill feelings about crossdressers. I will freely admit that I really don't understand why a man would want to wear women's clothing, but I totally support their right to do so witout any kind of judement on my part. Live and let live, anything else would be hypocritical on my part.

kel

[Marissa]

To Kelly: You are very right in the fact that no one should make you feel or expect you to be obligated to continue providing continuous support (or any support for that matter) to this site or any community of the glbt scope at any time. Even a simple cd (man who likes to wear women's clothes) such as me should not be held to any expectations of support.

Only you can decide if you choose to do that in whatever manner, if at all. So yes, you can be the student who graduates and goes on to live a life away from the education sector. But with so much knowledge and experience, any support would be appreciated to those of us who are just delving into this or those who have spent years wondering "what is this about?"

And no, lets not make this a 'us against them' as you said. The OP, you and others are doing what you feel is 'normal' or desire to do by venturing into the mainstream.. Living life as you want or need to and that is great.

With that said, Michelle, its a natural progression as someone explained..and it doesn't come just because of transitioning. Even some cd's want to get away from that two blocks that most cities only allow for so called 'freedom'.. So enjoy being you..and if you decide to share or support or even visit those areas, that is totally up to you.

Hugs,
Marissa

[ReineD]

Michelle, you aren't talking about distancing yourself from the support aspect of the community, or your friends, are you? You're just talking about moving on from hanging out in GLBT bars/clubs?

[t-girlxsophie]

I will never turn my back on TG Venues,without them I wouldnt have progressed to where I am today and I have friends that only outlet is in these places,but I do agree that the desire to be seen in the mainstream does take over I think its just a natural progression when your comfortable with being out and about

[Jeannie]

Like what ever happened to Suzie Harrison. She transitioned and now she's gone. I miss her stories and her wealth of knowledge. I think maybe they move on to the total female sites and eventually forget about us here, which is somewhat understandable but saddening just the same. Although I am not now or ever transitioning, it is helpful to hear how the GG and the male side feels about us from that unique view that only a transitioning person can provide. We love you Suzie. Write4 us and let us know how you are doing down under now that you are a sheila.

Jeannie

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I would like to say that it is hard for some of us who are trying to understand why and are slowly adjusting to accepting ourselves to see those who know now why and move on. I do not wish to be selfish, but people like you who know, comprise part of the wealth of knowledge that resides here. If all of those who have transitioned move on, some of us will be like a dog chasing its tail never getting answers that help to make our own decision.
Sigh, to accept yourself finally must be so fantastic, congratulations to you and all who have transitioned and moved on with your lives. Do come back though and offer some advice because it helps a lot even if we write nothing.

[AKAMichelle]

Michelle, you aren't talking about distancing yourself from the support aspect of the community, or your friends, are you? You're just talking about moving on from hanging out in GLBT bars/clubs?

Right - I feel like I have a perspective on TG life that needs to be told so I will.

Like what ever happened to Suzie Harrison. She transitioned and now she's gone. I miss her stories and her wealth of knowledge. I think maybe they move on to the total female sites and eventually forget about us here, which is somewhat understandable but saddening just the same. Although I am not now or ever transitioning, it is helpful to hear how the GG and the male side feels about us from that unique view that only a transitioning person can provide. We love you Suzie. Write4 us and let us know how you are doing down under now that you are a sheila.

Jeannie

Suzie moved to a different forum. She is very active there, but for whatever reason she left this one.

[dilane]

Yes, many TS's don't want to be associated with the T-world, and go stealth. You're less likely to be read out in the straight world when you're not in a pack of T-friends. I understand the desire to just be "normal" (unread). One former good friend even cut off all contacts with her T-girlfriends.

Not all TS's are this way, though. I know three very passable ones who don't mind being seen with me

I go only to straight venues now, including clubs, bars, shopping. I've even been on two juries en femme.

I used to feel safer in the T and Gay world. But once you get out into the real world, it's addicting.

-- Diane

[busker]

As I go further and further in this process, I finally see a few things that surprise me. I always thought badly towards the TS girls after they transition and disappear from the community. Now I am beginning to understand since I am feeling that same feeling. While my feelings are those of just a cd'er, I see the simularities.

I have gotten to where I don't want to go to the TG friendly places as much. I want to go where mainstream america goes. The more comfortable I get the more I realize these feelings. The more I seem to be pulling away from the community.

Has anyone else felt these feelings and not transitioned?

Michelle, while it does, as several have said, help those who remain behind to receive advice from those who have "made it", the problem with staying on is that one's own development begins to lag and that may be the feeling as well for people who disappear. And , we are all different and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. It is hard to say to your friends that they are becoming anchors so to speak. How many months and years can one talk about lipstick and panty colors? At some point we all need to cut the cord and "grow up". Being an eternal apprentice is not rewarding in the least. Being satisfied to remain in one niche is to be stunted and you want to grow and be a real person. More power to you, and good luck in whatever you decide to do. It is in there, just let it come out.

[vaga505]

What does "real person" mean? what are its significants? how is it apply to a CD?
If you may, thank you